I work at an optometrist’s office. A customer, whom I sold a pair of glasses to yesterday, comes back in looking really miffed.

Customer: “I was wearing the glasses all of yesterday and all last night! But when I take them off, my eyesight goes all blurry again!”

Me: “Uh… I’m sorry to be frank, but that’s how glasses work. You have to wear them to have your vision corrected.”

Customer: “Yeah, but how long do I have to wear them before my eyesight is fixed?”

Me: “You mean… like, being able to see clearly without wearing the glasses?”

Customer: “Yeah!”

Me: “Never? The glasses are required every time you want to see clearly, unless you get corrective eye surgery.”

Customer: “What?! You never told me that!”

Me: “Sir, I’ve never had to tell anybody that. Wearing glasses will not fix your eyesight over time. They’re not braces.”

He called our entire industry a scam and stormed out.

I remember back when I used to work in a movie rental place (they do still exist in some rural towns!), a customer came in, looking confused.

Customer: “This DVD didn’t make any sense!”

He hands over a copy of the Swedish vampire film ‘Let The Right One In’, which was a new release at the time.

Me: “What about the movie didn’t make any sense?”

Customer: “All of it! They were speaking, but none of what they said sounded like words!”

Me: “You know this movie is Swedish, right?”

Customer: “What’s Swedish?”

Me: “It’s a language.”

Customer: *Blank look.*

Me: “The actors in the movie are speaking Swedish, which is another language. They’re not speaking English.”

Customer: “Wait, when you say another language, you mean like Spanish?”

Me: “Spanish is another language, yes, but in this instance they’re speaking the language Swedish.”

Customer: “But they can’t be speaking another language! They’re White!”

That was when, as well as explaining how to turn on the DVD dubbing soundtrack to the customer, I also had to explain to them the concept of Europe.

I had a colleague who finished at 4 PM. The office manager was always pissed off because she was always leaving “early”. No, she got there before her 8 AM start; he just didn’t see her working until he casually strolled in some time after 9.

One day, when the big boss (whom she worked directly for) was away, with the office manager in charge:

Office Manager: *To the colleague.* “You can’t leave before 5 PM.”

Colleague: “Okay, let me go and talk to our CFO and see about overtime rates. I work from 8 AM until 4 PM. I manage my time well and get all my work done.”

Office Manager: “What?! We’re all salaried! There are no overtime rates!”

With perfect timing, the big boss called from overseas. I gleefully transfer the call to my colleague. The best thing about a fairly open plan office is that you can hear everything from the reception desk (to be fair, also one of the worst things, too).

Colleague: *To the big boss over the phone.* “Hello, [Big Boss]. [Office Manager] is insisting that I stay until 5 PM, with no overtime pay or reason mentioned. Have you got a particular task requiring me to stay?”

Pause.

Colleague: *To the office manager.* “He wants to talk to you.”

The office manager had a very long chat with the big boss (mostly one-sided), which ended with the office manager leaving early in a sulk. He later tried to chastise me for transferring the call from the big boss when I did, and I replied:

Me: “Look, you do NOT f*** around with a good admin assistant, especially a good admin assistant that works directly to the big boss! How is it I know that and you don’t?!”

My colleague was not f***ed with again.

A guy called in because he was having issues with creating an account on our website. I’m guiding him through the process.

Me: “Now you need to enter your phone number. It’ll send you a six-digit confirmation code that you need to type in on the next screen.”

Caller: “This is where I had issues last time! I don’t want to give you my number! I just put in some random numbers, and it wouldn’t do anything!”

Me: “Well, yes, sir, you would need to put in your actual number, or you won’t receive the six-digit code.”

Caller: “It’s a bad idea to rely on people having a cellphone! Not everyone has a cellphone!”

Me: “You can also sign up using an email if—”

Caller: “—not everyone has one of those, either! You need to rethink this whole signing-up thing!”

Me: “I will pass that note up the chain, sir.”

Caller: “What about old people! What about eighteen-year-olds! They don’t all have phones! What are they going to do?”

I hear someone in the background of the caller’s call say:

Caller’s Friend: “Seriously? There are maybe three eighteen-year-olds in this country who don’t have a cellphone, and that’s because they’re Amish.”

Me: *Stifling a laugh, pretending I didn’t hear.* “I will pass on your note that you’re concerned about the old people and older teens in this country who do not own a phone. Now, shall we continue your sign-up?”

He kept looking for more reasons why using a phone number or email address was a bad idea before he finally relented and gave me something that he could receive the six-digit security code from… after about twenty minutes. Either way, I’m still getting paid.

I’ve just sold a medium-sized tree at the garden centre where I work. I’m ringing the woman up, and she tells me:

Customer: “And I will also be needing some dirt to fill the hole this thing’s going into.”

Me: “Certainly, madam. We have a large bag of topsoil for £2.99.”

Customer: “I don’t want topsoil, I want dirt!”

Me: “Topsoil is essentially dirt, madam.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want branded expensive dirt. I want the cheap stuff! Dirt dirt!”

She thought ‘topsoil’ was a brand.