When the fire alarm goes off or there is an evacuation, everyone is supposed to leave through the nearest exit that doesn’t involve passing through a fire door. Pretty simple, no? There are maps and printed instructions in every room; we have to sit through training about this every year. Every teacher has to review the procedure with each class; every substitute teacher, aide, custodian, cafeteria worker, office staffer, and any other adult in the building has to be trained. Every year. Contractors who will work without an escort have to be trained. Ridiculous? Unfortunately, no.

A few years ago, I had to start giving the following instructions to each class, because some of my co-workers preferred to cut through the building to use a preferred exit, and the kids would follow: “When you go down the stairs, exit the door from the stairwell. DO NOT go the other way back into the building. It doesn’t matter if other people are; you go out. If another teacher or adult tells you to go back into the building, and there isn’t a clear reason, like a car outside the door on fire, ignore them. GO out the door and get to the muster area. If there is a problem, say, “Mr. [My Name] told me to go out the door for evacuation no matter what anyone else is doing’ and I will deal with it.”

Last year, it happened.

We had a new-ish admin in the building who was going to play a game to “really prepare us for a real emergency”. Policy and the law be d***ed, she was going to stand at the door and yell at everyone to use a different exit. My kids ignored her and went out. She tried to block them, but there are four double doors per exit, so that wasn’t a success.

We were the only class in the appropriate muster area. The assistant principal who was doing the count for the section visibly gave birth to several litters of kittens when no one else was there.

Several of my students were issued discipline tickets for “disrespect and failure to follow direction,” and did what I told them to. When I was called in to the administrator to answer and be yelled at, I arrived a few steps before my union rep, and she laid into me before she saw the rep. The principal was called in, and in the end, my kids were given an apology, and I was given a stern talking to about instructing the students to disobey and disrespect staff members.

Why am I retiring?

I work at/for a non-traditional call center. I have been working from home for years for a company that has social media outreach. 99% of the time, I am working through a chat-like interface with customers who message us through social media.

We sell products and services that occasionally require an appointment from a repair professional. We send them out when all troubleshooting efforts fail, and if it turns out the issue is not within our control, we charge a nice chunk of change for the visit.

My department has an internal rule that if a customer messages us and asks for a call, we can try to deflect the call one time, but if a request is made a second time, we have to make a call. A lot of customers have figured this out and message us as a way to avoid waiting on hold with our existing support line.

I made the call to a guy who sounded feisty. It is important to note that as a work-from-home employee, calls are made via a softphone, not an actual phone, and as such, features of the softphone are very, very limited for security purposes. Outbound calls also are not recorded, so I can be a little snippy with people who get difficult, and it isn’t on the record.

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name], with [Company], how are you?”

Caller: “I’m doing well, thank you.”

We go through the standard account security protocols.

Me: “Thanks! What can I look into with you?”

Caller: “Actually, I am not doing well! My home phone has been in and out all day this week! I need you to send someone out!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear of the trouble. I know that can be annoying. Is it okay if we try some troubleshooting to see if we can clear some things up?”

Caller: “NO! I will NOT troubleshoot!”

Me: “Okay, well, I can have someone out if you’d rather just get to it. Let me see what we have available…”

Caller: “Someone MUST be out TODAY!”

Here I must note it was 1:00 pm EST. That’s a really bad time to request a same-day service call, as people have usually booked everything by then.

Me: “I can have a tech out tomorrow at 1:00 pm—”

Caller: “—NO! Didn’t you hear me? Let me repeat: Today, not tomorrow! I am having a family emergency and need my phone to work TODAY!”

Me: “I heard you fine, but I cannot give you an appointment for today as there is not one available. What I can do is schedule the available one and then make a request to see if we can get someone out sooner.”

At this point, we just go back and forth on this point. And he makes some stupid comments like:

Caller: “I don’t appreciate being lied to! I KNOW you can give me the appointment I want TODAY. All you have to do is schedule it! It isn’t that hard! Is your job too hard for you to do?”

As it turns out, no, I can’t just willy-nilly schedule appointments. So, he then demands that I contact the supervisor of the service team near him and make it work out. Mind you, I am several states away, and we just don’t get that contact information. There is no procedure for anyone in my department to contact the supervisors of other departments. It just isn’t how it works. I explain to him calmly.

Caller: “I will sit here ON HOLD with you until you get me an appointment TODAY!”

Me: “That’s fine, sir, but it might be a while. I can contact my supervisor by chat, but I can’t guarantee when he’ll reply.”

Caller: “I have all day!”

Me: “Okay, I’ve messaged him.”

At this point, I sit there in silence for nearly twenty minutes while I type back and forth with my supervisor, who is reviewing the messages he sent us before the call while also being in a meeting himself. The customer hears me typing in the background.

Caller: “You know, I can hear you typing to other people! I know you’re probably making fun of me! It’s a joke to you, isn’t it?”

Me: “I do have to type to communicate with my supervisor, and the microphone is quite sensitive.”

Caller: “What are you telling him?”

Me: “I’m just explaining to him what’s going on in case he wants to know why I’ve been on the phone for nearly half an hour with you.”

Caller: “Good! I’m glad I’m holding you up so you can’t help other people!”

Me: “I’m glad, sir, I’m getting paid the same either way, so this is actually less work for me to just sit here on the phone.”

Caller: “Can your supervisor contact their supervisor or not?”

Me: “In theory, I suppose he can. I don’t know everything my supervisor may or may not be able to do.”

Caller: “Well then, YOU contact YOUR supervisor and have him contact their supervisor and give me an appointment TODAY.”

Me: “Sure thing, I can do that. I will need to end this call so I can send this request over to him.”

Caller: “NO! I want your supervisor on a conference call with you and me, and we will discuss this together!”

Me: “That’s not possible, we don’t do conference calls that way. I can either stay on the phone with you and work on scheduling the available appointment, or we can end the call, and I can then let my supervisor know of your request for an earlier appointment.”

Caller: “So, let me get this straight. It is [current date]. In the United States of America. You work for [Company], a tech giant. And you don’t know how to set up a conference call? Is that right?”

Me: “No, that is not right. Regardless of today’s date, the option for me to have my supervisor get in on this call is not an option that is open to me. I can call you, and we can talk; my supervisor, however, cannot just join the conversation.”

Caller: “Well, that’s odd! I have a cell phone right here in my hand! It’s nothing special, but I can call anyone in Romania, England, Guatemala, and so on, all over the world, and we can even conference call with dozens of people! Are you telling me your phone can’t do that? I find that hard to believe!”

Me: “I’m glad you have this feature on your phone, but no, I am not using a phone, but a program on a computer that does not include conferencing.”

Caller: “So you’re telling me that’s the only phone you have? You don’t have a cell phone?”

Me: “Yes, I do have a cell phone which [Company] does not pay the bill for, and which [Company] has not authorized me to use for work-related purposes.”

Caller: “Well, use that to call your supervisor and put me in on a conference call!”

Me: “No. I’m not doing that. My personal cell phone is not provided by [Company], and I am not using it for work-related purposes.”

Caller: “Well, I’m sure your supervisor has a personal phone, does he not?”

Me: “I don’t know what my supervisor does or does not own; I do not live with him.”

Caller: “Well, I demand to speak with him! Have him call me directly!”

At this point, he had officially requested a supervisor, and official department guidelines say I have to now move the situation up the chain, which requires me to end the call and inform my supervisor that he has been requested. I gleefully gave the script:

Me: “I’ll have a supervisor reach out to you as soon as possible. Thank you for taking my call!”

He was shouting and protesting on the other end, realizing his mistake and that I would be ending the call.

I sent the request to my supervisor, who messaged him back saying he had been given the available appointment option and to take it or leave it.

I am at the drug store paying for my things. I notice the cashier’s name is Ferris. From the movie ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.’

Me: “You were named after the movie character, weren’t you?”

Ferris: “My parents deny this, but my brother’s name is Cameron. The proof is in the pudding.”

I work for a carpet and flooring company.

Caller: “I’ve had this carpet down for a month, and there’s dirt and hair all over it. It’s supposed to be stain-proof!”

Me: “There is no such thing as stain-proof carpet, unfortunately, but the carpet you chose is polypropylene, so it is bleach-cleanable. Lots of things should come out of it.”

Caller: “Well, it shouldn’t be dirty already; it’s not been down long.”

Me: “Do you take your shoes off before you come in the house?”

Caller: “Nobody has time for that. This carpet is bleach cleanable; dirt shouldn’t hurt it.”

Me: “Have you tried cleaning it?”

Caller: “I shouldn’t need to clean it, it’s bleach cleanable.”

Me: “Well, you bring in dirt from outside when you walk in, it might be an idea to clean it.”

Caller: “But the carpets have been down for a month! It shouldn’t be dirty.”

Me: “How often do you vacuum it?”

Caller: “We haven’t vacuumed it yet.”

Me: “After a month?”

Caller: “Nobody has time for that!”

A few years back, I had a customer come up and ask for something in Italian. I worked in a predominantly Italian area, but I don’t speak Italian. About 85% of the staff don’t. I politely tell the elderly man:

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t speak Italian.:

Customer: *Enraged in broken English.* “Where da h*** do you think you work to not speak Italian!?”

Me: “A grocery store in Toronto, sir.”

That was not the end, though.

He then tore through the store to find someone with whom he could converse. About ten minutes later, he came back with the bakery manager.

Bakery Manager: “He wants [very specific type of pasta sauce].”

I go hunting, and sure enough, I can’t find it. I go back.

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t have that pasta sauce.”

He looks to the bakery manager, who is now our translator. What he told her was that I didn’t really look for it. The aisle I went into was right in front of my cash register. They watched me the entire time. I apologize to him for not having it and advised him to talk to the grocery manager to see if he can get it in for him.

His response to this? 

A few choice words and then saying:

Customer: “Where da h*** do you think you are to not have… [super specific Italian pasta sauce]!?”

Me: “A grocery store in Toronto, sir.”

He stormed out after that.