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I’m going through the drive-through of a fast-food joint.
Employee: “Thank you for choosing [Restaurant]. Will you be using our mobile app today?”
Me: “Yes.”
Employee: “What’s your code?”
Me: “It’s [code].”
Employee: “Sounds like a Star Wars droid. Go ahead and pull around to the first window.”
I pull around, and he hands me my receipt.
Me: “Is this the droid I’m looking for?”
Employee: “Ha ha! Get outta here, ya Nerf herder!”
I worked at one of the various species of dollar stores. I had this old lady come up to my lane. She had to be in her seventies or early eighties, was hunched over, and had a black walking cart she would put her stuff in.
Just as I was about to ring her out, the system went down completely. Now I had had her before as a customer, and knew she was a pain in the a**, so I decided I would pre bag the duplicate items (she had six boxes of tissues, two packs of toilet paper, and two rolls of paper towels).
We are waiting, and waiting, and waiting. About eight minutes go by, and my register won’t start. I have a line approaching twenty people long at this point, and my manager manages to open another two registers, but mine won’t start. So, they open the other lanes, and people immediately shift over.
Customer: “What about me? I’ve been in line the whole time! I was next!”
Me: “We will get you in line, we’re just intending to get you close to the front—”
Customer: “—forget this!”
And with that, she just… walks out of the store, items still in her cart! I chase after her because both managers are ringing people out, and tell her:
Me: “Ma’am! You still have to pay for the items!”
Customer: “You won’t ring me out, so I’m just leaving.”
Me: “Ma’am, I was trying to ring you out, but the system went down.”
We dance around the whole “you have to pay” and “you won’t ring me out” lines for a few minutes, with her yelling getting louder and louder.
Customer: “I’ll come pay for it tomorrow! I have to walk home and can’t stand in line all day!”
Finally, a manager has noticed and comes out. She asks what is going on, and I explain the situation to her. I turn around to talk to the lady… and she has run halfway down the plaza with her goods! She’s actually broken into a run!
Manager: “Let her go. If she can move like that at her age, I’m scared of her.”
Me: “It’s like that scene in Star Wars when Yoda stopped using his walking stick and start popping some moves.”
Manager: “If she doesn’t come back tomorrow, I’m branding her a Sith lord.”
She did not come back, but I do sometimes see her in the mall and plaza complex, and we all now refer to her as a dark Sith lord.
I’m working the merch booth for a well-known sci-fi franchise at a convention. A customer walks up to the table and picks up a replica lightsaber from ‘Star Wars’.
Customer: “Excuse me, how come this one doesn’t actually light up or anything?”
Me: “It’s just a replica, meant for cosplay or display.”
Customer: “Well, that’s disappointing. For $40, I expected some power. Maybe lights or sound.”
Me: “We do have a version with lights and sounds at the end of the table, though it’s $85.”
Customer: “$40 and it doesn’t even work?”
Me: “It’s decorative.”
Customer: “Wow. That’s it? That’s all it does? You’d think how prominent it was in the sequels, you’d have put a bit more effort into it.”
Me: “Well, technically, disappointment was a feature in the sequels too.”
Customer: *Squints, then sighs.* “Yeah… it sucked hard.” *Walks away.*
I worked as a phone tech support for a well-known and expensive computer company named after a kind of fruit.
One day, a lady called in and stated her new computer “wasn’t doing anything.”
Me: “Is the unit powering up?”
Caller: “Oh, it is, but it’s not doing anything.”
Me: “Is the screen lit or dark?
Caller: “I can see the screen alright, but it’s not doing anything.”
So, I started on a number of things: mouse moves the cursor, sounds play, applications open, keyboard works… each time I’m met with:
Caller: “Oh, that works, but it’s not doing anything.”
Finally, I asked:
Me: “What exactly are you attempting to have the computer do?”
Caller: “I’m not trying to make the computer do anything, but the man at the store said it’d surf the web for me, do my taxes for me, type a letter for me, that kind of thing.”
She seriously expected to turn the unit on and watch it just do things for her without any input on her part.
Me: *Gently explaining.* “Ma’am, the computer is a tool and needs to be told what you want it to do with the keyboard and mouse.”
I talked about clicking on things, what programs are, and so on. She listened for a minute or two, paused, then said:
Caller: “So… what should I do with it?”
I have never been so tempted with so many ways I could respond and get fired. I finally suggested she take some classes or write down the things she wants to do with the computer, and then take it to a store so they can direct her to what software to buy.
I work in a small corner shop in a rural village (nearest big city is Glasgow). Our stock is usually just for the essentials. A guy who has moved to the village in the last few months (and complained every time) comes in and asks:
Customer: “I want ten [Lottery scratchcard games].”
Me: “Sorry, but we don’t have any of that particular game. We haven’t received any deliveries from the lottery guys in a while.”
Customer: “That’s f****** typical! This shop never has anything I need!”
Me: “We’re just a small rural shop, sir, so our stock doesn’t really match the bigger stores in town. We do have [other scratchcards], just not that particular one.”
Customer: “No, I’m fed up with this. Get your manager from the back. I know she’s back there! I’ve had issues like this for weeks, and I’m done with it!”
My manager was indeed in the back, but she was already walking out to the front after hearing this guy’s familiar shouting.
Customer: “You! Why do you even manage this useless shop! It never has—”
Manager: “—then drive twenty miles into town and shop there! We’re not f****** Costco, and we don’t pretend to be. Next time, come in with reasonable expectations, you f****** white crayon!”
Customer: *Confused.* “White… crayon?”
An older lady customer, who had been standing to the side of the shop looking at the small selection of birthday cards, chimes in:
Other Customer: “She’s callin’ you useless, you f****** tube.”
Customer: “This… f******… place!”
He slams his fists on the counter and storms out. The other customer calmly selects her birthday card, and my manager checks her out, having a chat.
Other Customer: “I’d have called him a third nostril myself.”
Manager: “A waterproof teabag.”
Other Customer: “A paper umbrella.”
They got progressively cruder and more savage as they went (too crude to repeat), but whatever they did worked, as maybe he did start going to the Costco in Glasgow, as he’s never darkened our doors since.
Related:
Never Pick A Fight With An Old Scottish Woman, Part 10
Never Pick A Fight With An Old Scottish Woman, Part 9
Never Pick A Fight With An Old Scottish Woman, Part 8
Never Pick A Fight With An Old Scottish Woman, Part 7
Never Pick A Fight With An Old Scottish Woman, Part 6
