I worked as a phone tech support for a well-known and expensive computer company named after a kind of fruit.

One day, a lady called in and stated her new computer “wasn’t doing anything.”

Me: “Is the unit powering up?”

Caller: “Oh, it is, but it’s not doing anything.”

Me: “Is the screen lit or dark?

Caller: “I can see the screen alright, but it’s not doing anything.”

So, I started on a number of things: mouse moves the cursor, sounds play, applications open, keyboard works… each time I’m met with:

Caller: “Oh, that works, but it’s not doing anything.”

Finally, I asked:

Me: “What exactly are you attempting to have the computer do?”

Caller: “I’m not trying to make the computer do anything, but the man at the store said it’d surf the web for me, do my taxes for me, type a letter for me, that kind of thing.”

She seriously expected to turn the unit on and watch it just do things for her without any input on her part.

Me: *Gently explaining.* “Ma’am, the computer is a tool and needs to be told what you want it to do with the keyboard and mouse.”

I talked about clicking on things, what programs are, and so on. She listened for a minute or two, paused, then said:

Caller: “So… what should I do with it?”

I have never been so tempted with so many ways I could respond and get fired. I finally suggested she take some classes or write down the things she wants to do with the computer, and then take it to a store so they can direct her to what software to buy.

I work in a small corner shop in a rural village (nearest big city is Glasgow). Our stock is usually just for the essentials. A guy who has moved to the village in the last few months (and complained every time) comes in and asks:

Customer: “I want ten [Lottery scratchcard games].”

Me: “Sorry, but we don’t have any of that particular game. We haven’t received any deliveries from the lottery guys in a while.”

Customer: “That’s f****** typical! This shop never has anything I need!”

Me: “We’re just a small rural shop, sir, so our stock doesn’t really match the bigger stores in town. We do have [other scratchcards], just not that particular one.”

Customer: “No, I’m fed up with this. Get your manager from the back. I know she’s back there! I’ve had issues like this for weeks, and I’m done with it!”

My manager was indeed in the back, but she was already walking out to the front after hearing this guy’s familiar shouting.

Customer: “You! Why do you even manage this useless shop! It never has—”

Manager: “—then drive twenty miles into town and shop there! We’re not f****** Costco, and we don’t pretend to be. Next time, come in with reasonable expectations, you f****** white crayon!”

Customer: *Confused.* “White… crayon?”

An older lady customer, who had been standing to the side of the shop looking at the small selection of birthday cards, chimes in:

Other Customer: “She’s callin’ you useless, you f****** tube.”

Customer: “This… f******… place!” 

He slams his fists on the counter and storms out. The other customer calmly selects her birthday card, and my manager checks her out, having a chat.

Other Customer: “I’d have called him a third nostril myself.”

Manager: “A waterproof teabag.”

Other Customer: “A paper umbrella.”

They got progressively cruder and more savage as they went (too crude to repeat), but whatever they did worked, as maybe he did start going to the Costco in Glasgow, as he’s never darkened our doors since.

Related:
Never Pick A Fight With An Old Scottish Woman, Part 10
Never Pick A Fight With An Old Scottish Woman, Part 9
Never Pick A Fight With An Old Scottish Woman, Part 8
Never Pick A Fight With An Old Scottish Woman, Part 7
Never Pick A Fight With An Old Scottish Woman, Part 6

The work day has begun, and I’m in my office answering emails. Unfortunately, I’ve left my door open, and one of the HR people happens to walk by in conversation with our office’s maintenance guy. Please note that the HR person does not understand the concept of “inside voice”, and the maintenance guy is mostly deaf.

Maintenance Guy: “I’M TELLING YOU I TALKED TO [PRESIDENT OF COMPANY] AND HE SAID THAT—”

HR Guy: “—OH NO HE WOULD NEVER SAY THAT IN AN EMAIL, HE’D NEVER ASK FOR THAT IN AN EMAIL. ARE YOU SURE IT WASN’T A PHISHING SCAM?”

Maintenance Guy: “THAT’S NOT WHAT I’M SAYING. WHAT I’M SAYING IS I TALKED TO HIM—”

HR Guy: “—NO BUT HE WOULD NEVER ASK FOR THAT IN AN EMAIL.”

Maintenance Guy: “I UNDERSTAND THAT, BUT WHAT I’M SAYING IS I TALKED TO HIM *IN PERSON* AND HE ASKED FOR—”

HR Guy: “—WHAT I’M SAYING IS HE WOULD NEVER ASK FOR THAT IN AN EMAIL.”

Maintenance Guy: “AND WHAT I’M SAYING IS I TALKED TO HIM IN PERSON, AND HE ASKED FOR…”

They then walked far enough away that I couldn’t understand what they were saying, but I could still hear them…

I work at a call center. Someone has called to make changes to a service they purchased in one of our stores. This change can only be made online, and in order to add the service to an online account, there has to be an email recorded on the service. This was not done at the time of purchase.

Me: “Unfortunately, you’ll have to go back to the store and ask them to add the email.”

Customer: “But they just told me to call you! You can’t just change it for me?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, I can’t change it, but I can walk you through doing it online.”

Customer: “But I’m eighty-six years old!”

I am used to people randomly yelling their age as a way to say, “I can’t be expected to use the internet.”

Me: “Sorry, this change can only be made online.”

Customer: “Okay. What do I need to do? I’m writing this down.”

I very patiently take her through all the steps. I am used to walking people through this process, and I know where people tend to get confused, so I break down all the steps. She keeps writing things in her own words that sound dramatic and incorrect, and reading them back to me.

Me: “So, once you’re logged into your account, you want to click [button] in the top right.”

Customer: “So look for [button], that I’ll never find, because who knows where it is, but then what?”

Me: “It will be in the top right.”

Customer: “On the right, okay. I still won’t find it. But then what?”

This goes on for about twenty minutes, and I make sure she has our phone number because I have no idea what she’s written down by the end.

Me: “We’re here 24/7, so you can call back if you need any more help.”

Customer: “THANKS FOR NOTHING!” *Hangs up.*

My first job was at a sub-themed fast-food restaurant. One afternoon, we were slow, and a customer wandered into the store while I was sweeping. Only one other customer is inside the store, already eating their food. 

I greeted her and asked:

Me: “Do you need any suggestions?”

Customer: “No, thanks.”

She then proceeded to examine the menu so intensely that it was weird. I continue sweeping. Five minutes later, I notice she’s still looking, so I ask:

Me: “Have you made any decisions yet?”

Customer: “Uh, yeah, I saw that commercial for the $5… pizza deal? But I don’t see no pizza here.”

Me: *Mentally facepalming.* “The Dominos is two stores down to the left.”

Customer: “Oh, thanks.” *Leaves.*

Other Customer: *Who had been sitting there eating his sub.* “She was standing there for literally five minutes.”

Me: “I know. We don’t have the same color scheme as Domino’s. I hope she didn’t get lost going two stores down the street…”