Why didn't you "just adopt"?

RickGrimesBeard23 · 2017-12-20T15:23:36+00:00

I'm not opposed to adoption but right now the idea of having to open up my life to inspection and judgement to be deemed "worthy" of adopting a child is just too overwhelming. It's not fair that people who wouldn't make it past step one can just decide to have their own kid whenever they want without scrutiny but now I have to prove that I'm a super competent parenting extraordinaire and market myself like a show pony to attract a birth mom and go through hours and hours of interviews, visits, education, etc.

It just feels defeating because than I can do all that, walk around naked for everyone to see and than still have nothing to show for it at the end. Right now it's easier and less complicated to pursue ART.

CatyDuck · 2017-12-20T15:39:33+00:00

Family law attorney here. There is no such thing as “just adopt” or we probably would have done it already. This isn’t Oliver Twist. Just adopt people seem to think that there are “so many unwanted babies.” There are literally no unwanted babies available. There are long waiting lists for infant adoption. Birth moms often change their minds. Foreign adoption (at least into the US) is becoming extremely restricted. The goal of foster care is to reunite kids with bio relatives, so adopting through foster care can be a very difficult process. Most of the children available for adoption are 9+ years old or have significant special needs. Most people who say to adopt, when you really ask them about it, believe the world is full of orphanages of unwanted small children. And it’s not. All other bonding and emotional issues aside, there just aren’t as many available children as people think.

earlgrey__hot · 2017-12-20T14:58:12+00:00

We are not adopting yet because we are still grieving infertility. It would be incredibly selfish of us to adopt a baby now with so much baggage and sadness about not being able to conceive. You can spend about 5 seconds on /r/adoption and realize that parents who are not over their infertility can cause a lot of harm to their adopted kid.

Plus we are private, nonsocial people and have an alternative lifestyle (he stays at home, I work all the time, and we are both atheists) that would make being attractive through private adoption more difficult. I also recognize that involving birth parents can be a big part of the process and I don’t feel emotionally ready for that right now.

I also feel like infant adoption is something that is in high demand and low supply. The kids who actually need adoption are older kids and teenagers and my husband and I aren’t ready for that... yet. Maybe one day, years down the line it will be something we will think about. Until then, it’s not for us.

PlaidStego · 2017-12-20T17:41:15+00:00

Oh boy. I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible.

Honestly, we would if we could. In fact, that was our original "plan B" once we found out children would not come easily. We have never been personally tied to our own genes, nor are we so narcissistic as to believe that the world needs more people with our own sequences.

My husband and I fell down whole infertility rabbit hole (Plan C... or D?) only after we found out that we were at best poor candidates. Take a moment to process this: Two highly (maybe even excessively) STEM educated individuals, employed by some of the most prestigious organizations in the world, with no criminal background whatsoever are 'poor candidates' when completing with thousands of other more qualified (and more wealthy) couples. Yes, I have some health conditions that are not great, but they won't kill me. Yes, we have less means than others, but our children will have the best of education and will be able to travel the world.

daybeforetheday · 2017-12-20T18:12:55+00:00

It is almost impossible to adopt in Australia, either locally or internationally. Add in the fact I'm single, I'm old (38), I'm not rich, and I have a history of mental illness, and I have a greater chance of becoming Prime Minister than adopting.

Just to give you a better idea, Hugh Jackman and his wife went the adoption route and found it took years, lots of money, and was incredibly heartbreaking. Hugh Jackman If he had troubles, what hope do the rest of us?

JackManifesto · 2017-12-20T15:17:14+00:00

Honestly, for us it's all about money. We have insurance coverage for fertility treatments for now, but when that runs out and/or our embryos are used and we haven't had a baby yet...we're 100% going for adoption instead. In the end, another round or two of IVF vs. the cost of adoption is more or less the same, and if I still haven't gotten pregnant after 3+ transfers our chances of becoming parents via adoption is honestly more likely.

Through this process, I have realized that my desire for biological children is just not stronger than my desire to become a parent. Yes I want to become pregnant for the experience of it, and yes I want a brand new baby to bring home because I love them so much, but long term those are such small things when the goal is to expand the family. I'll be so disappointed and will likely eat my way through my feelings and cry a lot, but in the end I just want a child. Regardless of how we bring home our first, unless we have a miracle free sex baby any second child will definitely be via adoption because I will never go through this hell again.

As a side note, the other day a coworker was like "oh well, you know what happens to people who do fertility treatments? They end up getting pregnant as soon as they stop, adopt, or their first is under a year old!!" and I (and the 3 other coworkers who have done fertility treatment who I was talking to) were all like "Um...yes, that would be an ideal situation. Free sex babies? Bring it. Give me naturally conceived triplets. Fill my house with babies I didn't have to pay for. Speak it louder so G-d can hear you better!".

People are stupid and frequently have foot in mouth disease. The above and "why don't you just adopt" are shockingly common, and it's mystifying to be as to why.

qualmick · 2017-12-20T16:24:06+00:00

I haven't done any treatment yet, so that definitely colours my perspective. We have good treatment coverage through my husband's work, and it seems like (potentially) the cheapest in terms of time, money, and emotional energy. Also, the experience, the genetic connection, etc, not negligible.

Also, for anybody who says... "But, kids take money, time, and emotional energy! That's no reason!"... the questions around adoption get really hard really fast. Are you okay with an older child? What about behavioural issues? What about medical ones? If you have preferences for a particular thing, does that mean that your love is conditional and you should never be a parent? Because then anybody who hopes for a 'healthy baby' is a terrible person like me, and essentially nobody should ever be a parent.

QueenOfTheHarpies35 · 2017-12-20T15:58:48+00:00

My husband and I know that adoption isn't for us for several reasons.

Personally, I'm over the moon nuts about him, and I don't just want a baby. I want our baby. His baby. My baby. Ours. I want that with an intensity that takes my breath away.
King of the Harpies is a police officer and has seen dozens and dozens of heartbreaking, horrible, upsetting situations involving an adopted/fostered child. He sees all the ways it can go wrong, and isn't interested (which I'm fine with).
I really want to experience pregnancy and childbirth. This is something I've always known I wanted to do. I want to feel my child inside me. I want that bonding experience. (And I don't feel selfish saying this because most women get this if they want without a second thought).
There are no guarantees, and our years of infertility have already taken a toll, emotionally and financially. If IVF doens't work for us, I don't imagine we'd have the reserves to then throw ourselves into the adoption journey at that point (and that's assuming we changed our minds and decided adoption was for us).
Where we live, there are no closed domestic adoptions, which can lead to a lot of complicated situations. You also have to be willing to subject yourself to intense scrutiny, and check a box saying you're willing to take a special needs child to even start the process (which we're not--maybe that makes us assholes, but hey, at least we know we're not the right people for that).

I'm not slamming anyone else's choices, but this path is just not for us. If IVF doesn't work for us, we'll transition into a childfree life.

ivegotbabyrabies · 2017-12-20T14:58:06+00:00

We are both only children (and my husband is an only child of an only child) and really would rather try everything we can to pass on our genes. I want to see what a combined version of us looks like and acts like.

I'm sure I would love an adopted child, and will, if it gets to that point, but for right now we need to try this first.

TaVeryMuchly · 2017-12-20T16:18:46+00:00

Babies R Us was closed.

MollyElla511 · 2017-12-20T14:58:38+00:00

The wait list in my province is 3-5 years. Adoption is practically free here if you don't count the hours spent taking the training courses. If I wanted a child sooner, I would have to be willing to accept high needs and an older child (at least school age).

I want to experience pregnancy. If treatments don't work out, we might look at fostering but that is incredibly difficult. You aren't allowed to leave the child with a babysitter who hasn't taken the training courses, so fostering becomes your whole life.

Whereissweetpea · 2017-12-20T18:28:04+00:00

At this point I’m kinda thinking I want a family. It doesn’t have to be my biological kid, if you handed me a baby I would take it and raise it as my own. However. I want a baby. I know those are usually sold out at the family store. Also, my husband and I are both teachers. We live within our means and comfortably. However we are not wealthy by any means, probably lower middle class or even poor at this point from all these ivf expenses. I doubt we would meet whatever requirements there are to adopt. And working as a teacher and working with students who are in group homes and foster care. I’ve seen some good kids and some with issues. And call me selfish but I would not willingly take on one of those worse cases knowingly.

justanotherhunk · 2017-12-21T02:08:32+00:00

My reasons are exactly the same as anyone else. But I do check out my state's Dept of children and families page where they post children released for adoption (no cost, in state/foster care) and any kids under 10 seriously get snapped up like that. I do feel so sad about special needs kids and the teenagers who just need some steering into adulthood - but I'm just turning 30, I don't feel like I can provide what they would need.

If people are so concerned about overpopulation they should place their energy into advocating for birth control and women's education, not kicking down sad infertile people for daring to fulfill a biological wish. Then again, that requires more than a careless online comment, so.

bathtub_psychologist · 2017-12-20T15:50:05+00:00

Potential TW: sad adoption story of a family member

We're still early in our treatment, but I'm afraid of adoption for a few reasons. My dad was an international adoption and I've watched him struggle with his identity my whole life. I'm scared my child(ren) would feel the same way.

Furthermore, my grandma (my dad's mom) has dementia and has started saying the things you just don't say. For context, she had a hysterectomy as a teen back in the 1940s so she always knew she wouldn't conceive. This year on Mothers' Day she said to my dad that people keep wishing her a Happy Mothers' Day and she didn't feel right about it because she never really got to be a mother (I won't repeat the whole exchange but she was definitely aware that my dad is her child -- she was referring to the fact that she never gave birth). She's never said anything like this before, but her condition is causing her to say things that have obviously been on her heart for most of her life. Not to mention how hurtful this clearly was for my dad to hear.

Although I 100% believe on an intellectual level that adoptive parenting is EQUAL in every way to parenting a biological child, I am afraid I will never get over the grief and will always feel like I wasn't a "real mom" as my grandma clearly does. I can't imagine living with the guilt of feeling like my adopted child isn't enough for me. All this being said, we haven't ruled it out and I sincerely hope that we could get to a place where we embrace it with our whole hearts if it comes to it, but I just can't go there mentally yet. My dad's pain breaks my heart enough as it is.

lanabananaaas · 2017-12-20T19:51:35+00:00

We want an infant. Maybe that makes me an entitled asshole, but I don't think I'm ready to take on raising a kid who probably has some issues, and possibly big ones. My sister is special needs, and I know how incredibly challenging that is even when you have all the economic and social resources available. I'm not suited for it at all. That's also why we're undergoing genetic testing and PGS and all that. Obviously a child can still have problems with all the testing, so if it still happens, we will still love the child, and get all the help necessary to make sure the child has at least better chances in this world and is happy. But I have to be honest with myself as well.

A smaller, and I recognize petty, reason is that I would like a child who at least remotely looks like us. I'm really concerned about people treating my kid like crap if he's very different looking from us. Adults are usually at least more reserved about their rudeness, but school aged kids are often cruel and will purposely pick out the most hurtful thing to say to emotionally torture other kids. My spouse is Russian and I'm a white-passing Puerto Rican, so the most obvious choice here is to adopt from Eastern Europe or Russia. Russia doesn't allow adoptions from Americans anymore, most other Eastern European countries only let you adopt older kids, and even Ukraine is getting stricter with its requirements. Not to mention the whole thing about it being really expensive and even exploitative in some cases.

On another note, why the fuck is it the job of people with varying degrees of infertility to adopt? Why do those people who want us to adopt not adopt themselves? Why is it okay that, when someone has some life-altering medical condition, they can get treatment for it and not get shit from others, but we're supposed to just accept our fate when medical technology has given us so many options? Lastly, why is it, that in our "mind your own business" culture, people will happily comment on our own personal decisions?

foreverblessed17 · 2017-12-20T15:58:59+00:00

I began to mourn the loss of fertility and start focusing efforts on adoption. I believe (as someone else mentioned) you HAVE to do that before you can truly move on. It's incredibly challenging to have one foot in the door of treatments/hoping for a bio kid AND adoption at the same time. They are both huge commitments and energy/emotional needs.

For us, this "grieving" period was met with something very personal to us. We had a spontaneous pregnancy after stopping treatments that ended up being ectopic. This bittersweet turning point for us meant we had a diagnosis of more than "weak ovulation" which was something I was not willing to move on to IVF without understanding WHY we needed it as the only option left. We WANT to adopt and were choosing that over this "IVF is your only choice for a mostly unexplained IF situation" - For us the cost and emotions of IVF could not be justified without more details -- I know not everyone feels that way. So once we had a diagnosis, situations and feelings changed in a way that IVF was now on the table in a real tangible way. And we chose to proceed with IVF and put adoption research/planning on hold. I know that sounds like it was easy, but it came with alot of thought and prayer (there's a strong religious component involved in our decision for IVF for me personally)

I also agree with much of what others say here about the time, $, emotional aspects that come into play with adoption and how they can be huge hurdles to overcome.

Edit to add- I posted this thread on r/ifadoption last year when we were moving forward with switching from treatments to adoption: https://www.reddit.com/r/IFadoption/comments/5qbytf/lossesconsequences_of_infertility/?st=jbfbcswi&sh=abaddda6

flora_pompeii · 2017-12-21T04:00:41+00:00

My father was adopted. When he found his birth mother he learned that she was coerced into giving him up against her will. Just one instance of a larger system of exploitation that existed for decades here.

I don't trust that any path to adoption, even today, is really meant to benefit the children. It just feels like exploitation to me and I know the toll it takes. I could never do it.

sothisisfun · 2017-12-20T18:05:07+00:00

After the prolonged psychological hell that is infertility even before treatments, there is no way we would ever sign up for the even more prolonged psychological hell that is wondering if you'll ever get a kid, and then if you are matched with someone, if the birth mom will change their minds. It baffles me how much people do not get this, but I guess people are pretty terrible at empathy until they've actually gone through a year of hell on their own.

We also didn't Just Foster because fostering's goal is to reunite with the birth family. How does that solve our problem of wanting to be permanent parents without further psychological hell? I actually do know someone who foster-adopted a newborn, but it was after two other placements where they could not keep the child, and again, after infertility, we were not signing up for that either.

Also, I'm pretty sure we're too old and too atheist to be approved for adoption or picked by a birth mom, so.

Peppertacular · 2017-12-20T15:21:04+00:00

We have a couple of reasons... the major one being Mr. Pepper doesn't want to. For him, it's biology. So, donor eggs or embryo adoption is out too. I, on the other hand, would be open to adoption, donor eggs, or embryo adoption... but none of these avenues is cheap and just not in our financial future.
Fostering is out, mostly for similar reasons, but we had friends who had a tragic experience and it left a bad taste in our mouth's. So, biology and money.

If I'm really honest with myself, I want to be pregnant. I want to have that experience and that connection.

PersonalGoose · 2017-12-20T14:49:46+00:00

My mom dropped this on us after our first failed IVF. When the topic of donor eggs came up, she said "And if that doesn't work you can always look at adoption" I just said "No, that's not for us. Don't bring it up again." and left it at that. For me, personally, I want to experience pregnancy. I want to feel that connection, and I know thats a selfish reason and just a personal preference but that's just how I am. For Mr. Goose and I we want some type of biological connection to the child as well, even if it's only through one of us. We made donor eggs our last stop (since we learned it will never happen with my own) because that way I'd get my wish of pregnancy and we'd get our wish of having Mr. Goose's biology passed down.

I admire people that can adopt. We have an exchange student now that was kind of a test run for us if can we handle it, and we learned first hand that it IS possible to care for a child that isn't related to either of us. Still, it's not a choice we would make. We would rather keep that money and spend it on enjoying each other's company rather than fight that long drawn out battle and have to deal with birth parents at some point.

penshername · 2017-12-20T22:21:29+00:00

My friend said it best; it is not the responsibility of the infertile to solve the worlds social problems.

Throwaway_but_TFAB · 2017-12-20T14:48:54+00:00

I'm not yet ready to give up on the dream of having a child who is a tiny version of my husband. If I cannot have a child by my husband I will adopt. At a foster to adopt training they talked about how you must first grieve the loss of a biological child. I have not gotten there yet.

ladylara19 · 2017-12-20T16:57:33+00:00

When people have casually said this when I've opened up about infertility I lose my goddamn mind and shoot fire out of my eyes. It's incredibly painful to come to terms with one's inability to have biological children, and no one should force that reckoning until science says it's time to consider it. Personally, it took me four months to mourn and grieve the loss of the bio children I will never have before I was okay moving onto donor eggs. I am feeling hopeful, but if we run into problems, our next step would be embryo adoption. Personally I think that is the future of adoption (since there is no cabbage patch of babies as others have mentioned) and I'm surprised it doesn't get more attention. It's much less expensive and has a high success rate.

Redskittles37 · 2017-12-20T17:17:55+00:00

Anyone who says "just adopt," has no idea what the adoption process entails. Its usually even more expensive and difficult than going through IVF. Even if you are willing to take an older child, theyll probably never see you as their real parent. My friend spent years and a ton of money in order to adopt a 10 year old boy through foster care and has admitted to regretting adopting him.

PoliteWhirlwind · 2017-12-20T17:51:11+00:00

I am not emotionally equipped to deal with a group of people deciding if I get to keep a baby or not. After five miscarriages, I'm not interested in having to give back a foster child or waiting for a birth mother to change her mind. I've given back enough babies because biology has forced me to but I'm not willing to put myself in a position where other people would force me.

mshake5405 · 2017-12-20T18:16:46+00:00

I hate this. Someone else said to me the other day “maybe you’re just meant to have someone else’s baby.”

Shut up. You have no clue.

closedblueyes · 2017-12-20T18:29:58+00:00

Because I didn't have 40k lying around to toss at another process that might not work?

bobbi_joy · 2017-12-20T21:14:34+00:00

I want to raise a baby from infancy and from my research, it seems that there are more parents waiting to adopt than there are available babies (especially available healthy babies). I'm also fairly certain that my husband and I wouldn't be chosen quickly (or at all?) if we were going to apply for domestic infant adoption. We're not religious. We're vegan. We live a modest life. We don't have amazing hobbies. We have jobs/careers that are sometimes hard to describe and surely aren't glamorous. International adoption seems to be getting more and more restrictive. Also, I'm kind of pissed that adoption means needing to open up our life to scrutiny so that someone else can decide whether we are worthy of becoming parents. We've always wanted to be parents. We're kind and caring and responsible people. So even though it makes sense for adoption agencies to require classes and home studies, I still feel pretty pissed that so many people get to be parents with little or no thought. If it comes down to it, maybe we'll try. But maybe we won't.

By the way, if you want to see some of the worst and most ignorant comments saying "just adopt", read almost any post about pregnancy on the vegan subreddit. Others who are vegan or vegetarian on here may have noticed this. Seeing the ignorant comments telling people how easy it is to adopt really grinds my gears. I never make any comments back because if people there found out that I want my own children AND I'm going through infertility treatments, I'm sure they'd come after me with torches and pitchforks.

Reminds me of Charlie's rant from It's Always Sunny about jobs. "Oh, get a job? Just get a job? Why don't I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into job land, where jobs grow on jobbies?!”

Oh yes, just adopt! Why didn't I think of that?! Let me go to the baby store and pick one up on the way home tonight!!! /s

Okay. Rant over. :)

EDIT: Strangely enough, there's a pregnancy-related post in that subreddit today and comments are largely supportive. People saying "just adopt!" are being downvoted. Is this an alternate universe? Whatever. I'll take it!

passtheguacamole · 2017-12-20T17:46:02+00:00

Honestly - because we've spent the last four years as de facto parents for a young adult in our extended family. He's a great kid (guy now) and we love him, and the experience is partly what convinced me that I could handle being a mother, which is why I'm now doing ART. But there have been a lot of challenges, even beyond what I expected. At this point if the ART stuff doesn't work, we're looking at being childfree.

sisypheanboulders · 2017-12-20T21:00:54+00:00

I always thought I would have a couple of bio kids and adopt a couple of kids--I never knew how difficult both things would be! For me/us, besides the financial issues, time pressure, reluctance to adopt an older child with developmental/behavioral issues (at least as our first), etc., we are also a "mixed race" couple. Where we live, very few babies and kids are adopted each year, and of those that are, they seek an "ethnic match" to make the child feel more at home. As a mixed race couple, we are difficult to match. Also, because of our jobs and income requirements, one of us would likely be required to become a stay-at-home parent, which neither of us wants to do, nor can we afford to. Finally, we are both expats and, while we are legally in our country of residence, we are not citizens so would again be far down on the waiting list, so basically impossible to adopt here.

And about overseas adoption--again, there are ethical dilemmas and increasing legal regulations--but the cost is extremely high. I do know someone who adopted a newborn overseas after many years of failed IVF treatments. Their fees were over $100K just for adoption alone, which is not something that we can afford. It is shocking to me that people think it's easy to just pick up a newborn from the doorstep.

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2017-12-21T01:38:27+00:00

I would truly love to adopt, and dreamed of it for many years. In our situation the chances of having a baby are better with IVF than adoption- our fertility therapist gave us a 10% chance at adoption, and even at my advanced age our RE gives us much better odds with a PGS normal embryo than that. We both have health issues, including my spouse had cancer multiple times. We're atheists. We're better off financially than most but nowhere near wealthy enough to afford attempting the international adoption process (probably repeatedly) or buying a house in our high-cost of living area and me giving up my career etc. to perhaps offset what birth parents might see as our "flaws" and make us more attractive candidates. I can't imagine when spoiled for choice most birth parents would give us a second look.

Mostly, I'm terrified that failing at adoption would be so much more painful and difficult than all the already painful and difficult things we've experienced. My amazing husband has already suffered far too much. I want to protect him from pain when I can, and give him a happy life. That is even more important to me than being a parent.

pineapple_gal1 · 2017-12-21T02:16:22+00:00

My husband and I both have tender hearts for hurting kids, but honestly, adopting is scary. I have a sibling who was adopted at birth, a few years before I was born. That sibling struggled with identity, mood swings, and rejection issues, and to this day is still very emotionally insecure. They've met their biological family and are quick to say that their life would have been a wreck if they hadn't been adopted - but they still have a lot of issues that I'm not sure I want to deal with again in a child/parent relationship.

Dr_Julian_Helisent · 2017-12-21T02:18:48+00:00

We're actually going through the process of getting our foster care license and boy do I have thoughts about this.

First, the goal of foster care is reunification. Someone who wants to raise a child as their own to adulthood has no business fostering. Fostering means being a co-parent and supporting the bio parents while they get their shit together.

Second, the kids who are available for adoption through the foster system are older and/or have medical needs. Parenting a traumatized teen takes special skills and resources. We'll probably adopt an older kid in a few years but it's not for everyone.

Although we're happy to adopt one of our kids when they're older, we'd also like to have the experience of raising a baby. This means we'll have to either adopt a baby or do fertility treatments. We can't adopt internationally because I have bipolar disorder and that's a bar. It also makes us bad candidates for domestic infant adoption. That leaves fertility treatments (which will probably pursue next fall after foster kid is settled).

Mrs_Marshmellow · 2017-12-20T18:20:41+00:00

There are a number of reasons (and I'm wordy):

I agree with u/RickGrimesBeard23 that the idea of opening my life up to inspection and judgement to be deemed worthy is too overwhelming at the moment.

I live in a province where the wait to adopt has increased as there are less adoptable children available due to things like better social services and support allowing women to parent as well as an increase in abortions (the abortion rate has risen in my province, unlike the rest of the country). Yes, there are older children that are available for adoption, but this usually goes along with challenges such as health, behavioral, developmental or emotional issues and I want to ensure that both my husband and I are ready and able to tackle these issues before we commit to adopting a child because if we aren't both ready, we would only end up doing more harm to that child.

I am aware that international adoption could potentially be an option, but it also comes with it's own set of issues.

I worry that adopting a child from another country would mean cutting that child off from their culture and worry that this could cause issues for the child in finding their own identity as they age. While I could always do my best to try to teach the child about their culture and where they came from, the fact is that teaching them from books is not the same as them actually experiencing it and growing in it and I worry that they would come to resent me in time because of this.
I, again, worry about potential health, behavioral, developmental or emotional issues. You don't always know the full story of the child's past - were they abused, did they suffer from neglect, are there attachment issues due to abandonment/ spending time in an orphanage?
Concerns surrounding how the child became available for adoption - I have heard several stories people going through what they thought were reputable agencies and later finding out that the birth parent's were lied to and papers forged in order to take children and place them with a family in another country.
Cost, to put it bluntly. Different sources quote different amounts, but generally for an international adoption in Canada, you could potentially be paying $50,000. This is somewhat prohibitive in my opinion.

FreyaFiend · 2017-12-20T18:50:57+00:00

My partner and I live in New Zealand, but we're both ex-pats (I'm from the US, hes from the UK). There's less than 100 children adopted in NZ every year, with a HUGE push to place children within birth families. If an adoption DOES happen, the birth parents usually pick out the adoptive parents, and since we're not actually kiwis, it's unlikely we'd ever be chosen. International adoption is only available from three countries, with severe restrictions on two of them.

lettertoelise9 · 2017-12-21T02:06:14+00:00

For us it boiled down to: bio kids or bust. My husband was completely not on board with raising a kid that is not biologically his. I was a little more open to adoption, but I for me personally I would feel some resentment if he has a bio kid and I didn't. So for me it was either a kid of both of DNAs or a kid of neither of ours. We have unexplained infertility so I felt like we had options available to at least try for bio first.

I knew a work colleague who adopted and it wasn't an easy process. She and her husband tried everything. They were with an agency which contacted them about a baby they got matched with two weeks before the baby was due. So they flew to another state and had to wait there for a preliminary period of time (like a week) during which the bio mom can decide to keep the baby. In the end I'm happy they are happy, but the process seems so stressful.

MOMofHulk · 2017-12-21T02:44:34+00:00

My Husband's job precludes us from adopting, as does being unemployed... So we are kind of screwed either way.

lilimu · 2017-12-21T03:44:20+00:00

I can't bring myself to do it. What if the birth parents change their mind, and I have to give our baby back? What if we are fostering in the process of adoption, and they send our baby back to some terrible circumstances because "the birth parents deserve another chance". My personal experiences with the system thus far haven't been great, I have absolutely no faith left in it. It's also far too intrusive - I understand why and it makes sense, but I resent being put under a microscope in all aspects of my life just because we couldn't conceive naturally.

penshername · 2017-12-21T17:41:18+00:00

This thread made me think what I would do if I tried IVF and failed.

Here are my thoughts:

I would adopt and foster all the fur babies. My current one needs a companion.
Volunteer to tutor ESL kids
Get fur baby trained a therapy dog
Enjoy things I wouldn’t be able to do otherwise. Travel. Lots of Yoga. Retire in a warm tropical place writing books.
Get good at yoga/meditation so I can help kids calm the down.
Get good at allergen free baking so I can help kids with eating disorders
Write books

Now, some of these things I can do now. Some I would be doing now if my sister-in-law wouldn’t have interfered in our marriage.

What this list, my fertility treatments, time and money, all say that is is my personal business. How to use my emotional currency is my personal business.

The “just adopt” statement is a little too prying. I am almost tempted to say “why don’t you get started on planning your funeral.” Why don’t YOU adopt?

loopymath · 2017-12-20T17:27:17+00:00

My husband and I have agreed that we do want to adopt eventually, but we would really like for our first child to be biologically ours. For me it's the desire to have an infant. My understanding is that infant adoptions are very hard to come by, and while I do want to adopt older kids someday, I want to have the "whole" experience, so to speak. In a weird way, I don't feel ready to be a parent to an older toddler/child without having raised them from infancy.

If fertility treatements don't work (I'm in the TWW of our first IUI cycle, and we've decided that IVF is off the table), then we will still bursue adoption.

PCOScrewThis · 2017-12-20T21:53:31+00:00

THANK YOU for posting this. SO many of all your answers are reasons my husband and I feel the same way about this topic. I think adoption is fantastic - I just don’t feel like it is right for us now, and maybe not ever.

CountingSheeep · 2017-12-20T23:52:38+00:00

Cost 2. Husband is adamant we try everything first to have our own biological kid first. 3. My fear of bio-mom coming back to snatch my child. That would kill me.

Adopting is extremely expensive, even within the US. My husbands company provides adoption assistant $6k-$7k which is something, but not much. We were gearing up last year to adopt the 3 year old son of my husbands 23 year old niece who hit rock bottom with her drug habits (she refuses help and is involved in witchcraft).My BIL put an end to it knowing his daughter is the type to come back later on and take the kid away which would be absolutely devastating for us.

I hear way too many stories of drug addicted, shitty bio-moms coming back to take their kids. If we ever adopt (we would still consider this down the road) we are going overseas where it’s more of a “done deal”.

thebeeknee · 2017-12-21T13:08:58+00:00

We started down the foster/adopt path a few months ago.

We then realized we only had enough emotional currency to do either IVF or foster/adopt. We are pursuing IVF now.

Private adoption is not financially possible for us. We found out that in our state to adopt a child under 3 means the child will most likely have some sort of diagnosis. We were told foster to adopt would be our most successful chance at adopting a baby. We also found out that bio reunification is valued above all else. I don’t know if’s have the strength to foster a baby knowing the goal isn’t for me to become that baby’s mom.

WittyandWhimsy · 2017-12-21T20:43:20+00:00

This is why I wish those “just adopt!!!!11” people would actually go to an adoption agency website and see for themselves what the costs and time entail. Some people are actually pretty clueless that it costs money. I mean it costs $1200 or somewhere around there just to attend a mandatory meeting that’s usually only held every 3 months. Spots fill up fast but you have to pay that money up front. I think Mr. Witty and I live comfortably but we just don’t have extra thousands of $$$ floating around. By the time you save up, usually the spots are taken.

Then you get the folks who mention that foster care / public adoption is basically free. Well essentially yes, but a lot of them suffer from FASD and other behavioural issues that we are not equipped to deal with and that’s OK to say. They are not a replacement because I can’t have a biological child and I won’t view them as such. They just don’t seem to get all the emotional and mentally exhausting aspects of it. I’d rather my life not be scrutinized on whether I’d make a good parent. IF has already done enough damage to my self esteem.

Usually the people making these comments have had free sex babies or I mention that’s what they would do in our situation. I don’t care if I sound selfish, I want to have a BABY of my own. I want to experience pregnancy, set up a nursery, buy cute little baby things, I want all of it.

If that makes me selfish then I guess all the fertiles are too.

RickGrimesBeard23 · 2017-12-20T15:42:43+00:00

I'm not opposed to adoption but right now the idea of having to open up my life to inspection and judgement to be deemed "worthy" of adopting a child is just too overwhelming. It's not fair that people who wouldn't make it past step one can just decide to have their own kid whenever they want without scrutiny but now I have to prove that I'm a super competent parenting extraordinaire and market myself like a show pony to attract a birth mom and go through hours and hours of interviews, visits, education, etc.

It just feels defeating because than I can do all that, walk around naked for everyone to see and than still have nothing to show for it at the end. Right now it's easier and less complicated to pursue ART.

CatyDuck · 2017-12-20T15:39:33+00:00

Family law attorney here. There is no such thing as “just adopt” or we probably would have done it already. This isn’t Oliver Twist. Just adopt people seem to think that there are “so many unwanted babies.” There are literally no unwanted babies available. There are long waiting lists for infant adoption. Birth moms often change their minds. Foreign adoption (at least into the US) is becoming extremely restricted. The goal of foster care is to reunite kids with bio relatives, so adopting through foster care can be a very difficult process. Most of the children available for adoption are 9+ years old or have significant special needs. Most people who say to adopt, when you really ask them about it, believe the world is full of orphanages of unwanted small children. And it’s not. All other bonding and emotional issues aside, there just aren’t as many available children as people think.

earlgrey__hot · 2017-12-20T14:58:12+00:00

We are not adopting yet because we are still grieving infertility. It would be incredibly selfish of us to adopt a baby now with so much baggage and sadness about not being able to conceive. You can spend about 5 seconds on /r/adoption and realize that parents who are not over their infertility can cause a lot of harm to their adopted kid.

Plus we are private, nonsocial people and have an alternative lifestyle (he stays at home, I work all the time, and we are both atheists) that would make being attractive through private adoption more difficult. I also recognize that involving birth parents can be a big part of the process and I don’t feel emotionally ready for that right now.

I also feel like infant adoption is something that is in high demand and low supply. The kids who actually need adoption are older kids and teenagers and my husband and I aren’t ready for that... yet. Maybe one day, years down the line it will be something we will think about. Until then, it’s not for us.

PlaidStego · 2017-12-20T17:41:15+00:00

Oh boy. I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible.

Honestly, we would if we could. In fact, that was our original "plan B" once we found out children would not come easily. We have never been personally tied to our own genes, nor are we so narcissistic as to believe that the world needs more people with our own sequences.

My husband and I fell down whole infertility rabbit hole (Plan C... or D?) only after we found out that we were at best poor candidates. Take a moment to process this: Two highly (maybe even excessively) STEM educated individuals, employed by some of the most prestigious organizations in the world, with no criminal background whatsoever are 'poor candidates' when completing with thousands of other more qualified (and more wealthy) couples. Yes, I have some health conditions that are not great, but they won't kill me. Yes, we have less means than others, but our children will have the best of education and will be able to travel the world.

daybeforetheday · 2017-12-20T18:12:55+00:00

It is almost impossible to adopt in Australia, either locally or internationally. Add in the fact I'm single, I'm old (38), I'm not rich, and I have a history of mental illness, and I have a greater chance of becoming Prime Minister than adopting.

Just to give you a better idea, Hugh Jackman and his wife went the adoption route and found it took years, lots of money, and was incredibly heartbreaking. Hugh Jackman If he had troubles, what hope do the rest of us?

JackManifesto · 2017-12-20T15:17:14+00:00

Honestly, for us it's all about money. We have insurance coverage for fertility treatments for now, but when that runs out and/or our embryos are used and we haven't had a baby yet...we're 100% going for adoption instead. In the end, another round or two of IVF vs. the cost of adoption is more or less the same, and if I still haven't gotten pregnant after 3+ transfers our chances of becoming parents via adoption is honestly more likely.

Through this process, I have realized that my desire for biological children is just not stronger than my desire to become a parent. Yes I want to become pregnant for the experience of it, and yes I want a brand new baby to bring home because I love them so much, but long term those are such small things when the goal is to expand the family. I'll be so disappointed and will likely eat my way through my feelings and cry a lot, but in the end I just want a child. Regardless of how we bring home our first, unless we have a miracle free sex baby any second child will definitely be via adoption because I will never go through this hell again.

As a side note, the other day a coworker was like "oh well, you know what happens to people who do fertility treatments? They end up getting pregnant as soon as they stop, adopt, or their first is under a year old!!" and I (and the 3 other coworkers who have done fertility treatment who I was talking to) were all like "Um...yes, that would be an ideal situation. Free sex babies? Bring it. Give me naturally conceived triplets. Fill my house with babies I didn't have to pay for. Speak it louder so G-d can hear you better!".

People are stupid and frequently have foot in mouth disease. The above and "why don't you just adopt" are shockingly common, and it's mystifying to be as to why.

qualmick · 2017-12-20T16:24:06+00:00

I haven't done any treatment yet, so that definitely colours my perspective. We have good treatment coverage through my husband's work, and it seems like (potentially) the cheapest in terms of time, money, and emotional energy. Also, the experience, the genetic connection, etc, not negligible.

Also, for anybody who says... "But, kids take money, time, and emotional energy! That's no reason!"... the questions around adoption get really hard really fast. Are you okay with an older child? What about behavioural issues? What about medical ones? If you have preferences for a particular thing, does that mean that your love is conditional and you should never be a parent? Because then anybody who hopes for a 'healthy baby' is a terrible person like me, and essentially nobody should ever be a parent.

QueenOfTheHarpies35 · 2017-12-20T15:58:48+00:00

My husband and I know that adoption isn't for us for several reasons.

Personally, I'm over the moon nuts about him, and I don't just want a baby. I want our baby. His baby. My baby. Ours. I want that with an intensity that takes my breath away.
King of the Harpies is a police officer and has seen dozens and dozens of heartbreaking, horrible, upsetting situations involving an adopted/fostered child. He sees all the ways it can go wrong, and isn't interested (which I'm fine with).
I really want to experience pregnancy and childbirth. This is something I've always known I wanted to do. I want to feel my child inside me. I want that bonding experience. (And I don't feel selfish saying this because most women get this if they want without a second thought).
There are no guarantees, and our years of infertility have already taken a toll, emotionally and financially. If IVF doens't work for us, I don't imagine we'd have the reserves to then throw ourselves into the adoption journey at that point (and that's assuming we changed our minds and decided adoption was for us).
Where we live, there are no closed domestic adoptions, which can lead to a lot of complicated situations. You also have to be willing to subject yourself to intense scrutiny, and check a box saying you're willing to take a special needs child to even start the process (which we're not--maybe that makes us assholes, but hey, at least we know we're not the right people for that).

I'm not slamming anyone else's choices, but this path is just not for us. If IVF doesn't work for us, we'll transition into a childfree life.

ivegotbabyrabies · 2017-12-20T14:58:06+00:00

We are both only children (and my husband is an only child of an only child) and really would rather try everything we can to pass on our genes. I want to see what a combined version of us looks like and acts like.

I'm sure I would love an adopted child, and will, if it gets to that point, but for right now we need to try this first.

TaVeryMuchly · 2017-12-20T16:18:46+00:00

Babies R Us was closed.

MollyElla511 · 2017-12-20T14:58:38+00:00

The wait list in my province is 3-5 years. Adoption is practically free here if you don't count the hours spent taking the training courses. If I wanted a child sooner, I would have to be willing to accept high needs and an older child (at least school age).

I want to experience pregnancy. If treatments don't work out, we might look at fostering but that is incredibly difficult. You aren't allowed to leave the child with a babysitter who hasn't taken the training courses, so fostering becomes your whole life.

Whereissweetpea · 2017-12-20T18:28:04+00:00

At this point I’m kinda thinking I want a family. It doesn’t have to be my biological kid, if you handed me a baby I would take it and raise it as my own. However. I want a baby. I know those are usually sold out at the family store. Also, my husband and I are both teachers. We live within our means and comfortably. However we are not wealthy by any means, probably lower middle class or even poor at this point from all these ivf expenses. I doubt we would meet whatever requirements there are to adopt. And working as a teacher and working with students who are in group homes and foster care. I’ve seen some good kids and some with issues. And call me selfish but I would not willingly take on one of those worse cases knowingly.

justanotherhunk · 2017-12-21T02:08:32+00:00

My reasons are exactly the same as anyone else. But I do check out my state's Dept of children and families page where they post children released for adoption (no cost, in state/foster care) and any kids under 10 seriously get snapped up like that. I do feel so sad about special needs kids and the teenagers who just need some steering into adulthood - but I'm just turning 30, I don't feel like I can provide what they would need.

If people are so concerned about overpopulation they should place their energy into advocating for birth control and women's education, not kicking down sad infertile people for daring to fulfill a biological wish. Then again, that requires more than a careless online comment, so.

bathtub_psychologist · 2017-12-20T15:50:05+00:00

Potential TW: sad adoption story of a family member

We're still early in our treatment, but I'm afraid of adoption for a few reasons. My dad was an international adoption and I've watched him struggle with his identity my whole life. I'm scared my child(ren) would feel the same way.

Furthermore, my grandma (my dad's mom) has dementia and has started saying the things you just don't say. For context, she had a hysterectomy as a teen back in the 1940s so she always knew she wouldn't conceive. This year on Mothers' Day she said to my dad that people keep wishing her a Happy Mothers' Day and she didn't feel right about it because she never really got to be a mother (I won't repeat the whole exchange but she was definitely aware that my dad is her child -- she was referring to the fact that she never gave birth). She's never said anything like this before, but her condition is causing her to say things that have obviously been on her heart for most of her life. Not to mention how hurtful this clearly was for my dad to hear.

Although I 100% believe on an intellectual level that adoptive parenting is EQUAL in every way to parenting a biological child, I am afraid I will never get over the grief and will always feel like I wasn't a "real mom" as my grandma clearly does. I can't imagine living with the guilt of feeling like my adopted child isn't enough for me. All this being said, we haven't ruled it out and I sincerely hope that we could get to a place where we embrace it with our whole hearts if it comes to it, but I just can't go there mentally yet. My dad's pain breaks my heart enough as it is.

lanabananaaas · 2017-12-20T19:51:35+00:00

We want an infant. Maybe that makes me an entitled asshole, but I don't think I'm ready to take on raising a kid who probably has some issues, and possibly big ones. My sister is special needs, and I know how incredibly challenging that is even when you have all the economic and social resources available. I'm not suited for it at all. That's also why we're undergoing genetic testing and PGS and all that. Obviously a child can still have problems with all the testing, so if it still happens, we will still love the child, and get all the help necessary to make sure the child has at least better chances in this world and is happy. But I have to be honest with myself as well.

A smaller, and I recognize petty, reason is that I would like a child who at least remotely looks like us. I'm really concerned about people treating my kid like crap if he's very different looking from us. Adults are usually at least more reserved about their rudeness, but school aged kids are often cruel and will purposely pick out the most hurtful thing to say to emotionally torture other kids. My spouse is Russian and I'm a white-passing Puerto Rican, so the most obvious choice here is to adopt from Eastern Europe or Russia. Russia doesn't allow adoptions from Americans anymore, most other Eastern European countries only let you adopt older kids, and even Ukraine is getting stricter with its requirements. Not to mention the whole thing about it being really expensive and even exploitative in some cases.

On another note, why the fuck is it the job of people with varying degrees of infertility to adopt? Why do those people who want us to adopt not adopt themselves? Why is it okay that, when someone has some life-altering medical condition, they can get treatment for it and not get shit from others, but we're supposed to just accept our fate when medical technology has given us so many options? Lastly, why is it, that in our "mind your own business" culture, people will happily comment on our own personal decisions?

foreverblessed17 · 2017-12-20T15:58:59+00:00

I began to mourn the loss of fertility and start focusing efforts on adoption. I believe (as someone else mentioned) you HAVE to do that before you can truly move on. It's incredibly challenging to have one foot in the door of treatments/hoping for a bio kid AND adoption at the same time. They are both huge commitments and energy/emotional needs.

For us, this "grieving" period was met with something very personal to us. We had a spontaneous pregnancy after stopping treatments that ended up being ectopic. This bittersweet turning point for us meant we had a diagnosis of more than "weak ovulation" which was something I was not willing to move on to IVF without understanding WHY we needed it as the only option left. We WANT to adopt and were choosing that over this "IVF is your only choice for a mostly unexplained IF situation" - For us the cost and emotions of IVF could not be justified without more details -- I know not everyone feels that way. So once we had a diagnosis, situations and feelings changed in a way that IVF was now on the table in a real tangible way. And we chose to proceed with IVF and put adoption research/planning on hold. I know that sounds like it was easy, but it came with alot of thought and prayer (there's a strong religious component involved in our decision for IVF for me personally)

I also agree with much of what others say here about the time, $, emotional aspects that come into play with adoption and how they can be huge hurdles to overcome.

Edit to add- I posted this thread on r/ifadoption last year when we were moving forward with switching from treatments to adoption: https://www.reddit.com/r/IFadoption/comments/5qbytf/lossesconsequences_of_infertility/?st=jbfbcswi&sh=abaddda6

flora_pompeii · 2017-12-21T04:00:41+00:00

My father was adopted. When he found his birth mother he learned that she was coerced into giving him up against her will. Just one instance of a larger system of exploitation that existed for decades here.

I don't trust that any path to adoption, even today, is really meant to benefit the children. It just feels like exploitation to me and I know the toll it takes. I could never do it.

sothisisfun · 2017-12-20T18:05:07+00:00

After the prolonged psychological hell that is infertility even before treatments, there is no way we would ever sign up for the even more prolonged psychological hell that is wondering if you'll ever get a kid, and then if you are matched with someone, if the birth mom will change their minds. It baffles me how much people do not get this, but I guess people are pretty terrible at empathy until they've actually gone through a year of hell on their own.

We also didn't Just Foster because fostering's goal is to reunite with the birth family. How does that solve our problem of wanting to be permanent parents without further psychological hell? I actually do know someone who foster-adopted a newborn, but it was after two other placements where they could not keep the child, and again, after infertility, we were not signing up for that either.

Also, I'm pretty sure we're too old and too atheist to be approved for adoption or picked by a birth mom, so.

Peppertacular · 2017-12-20T15:21:04+00:00

We have a couple of reasons... the major one being Mr. Pepper doesn't want to. For him, it's biology. So, donor eggs or embryo adoption is out too. I, on the other hand, would be open to adoption, donor eggs, or embryo adoption... but none of these avenues is cheap and just not in our financial future.
Fostering is out, mostly for similar reasons, but we had friends who had a tragic experience and it left a bad taste in our mouth's. So, biology and money.

If I'm really honest with myself, I want to be pregnant. I want to have that experience and that connection.

PersonalGoose · 2017-12-20T14:49:46+00:00

My mom dropped this on us after our first failed IVF. When the topic of donor eggs came up, she said "And if that doesn't work you can always look at adoption" I just said "No, that's not for us. Don't bring it up again." and left it at that. For me, personally, I want to experience pregnancy. I want to feel that connection, and I know thats a selfish reason and just a personal preference but that's just how I am. For Mr. Goose and I we want some type of biological connection to the child as well, even if it's only through one of us. We made donor eggs our last stop (since we learned it will never happen with my own) because that way I'd get my wish of pregnancy and we'd get our wish of having Mr. Goose's biology passed down.

I admire people that can adopt. We have an exchange student now that was kind of a test run for us if can we handle it, and we learned first hand that it IS possible to care for a child that isn't related to either of us. Still, it's not a choice we would make. We would rather keep that money and spend it on enjoying each other's company rather than fight that long drawn out battle and have to deal with birth parents at some point.

penshername · 2017-12-20T22:21:29+00:00

My friend said it best; it is not the responsibility of the infertile to solve the worlds social problems.

Throwaway_but_TFAB · 2017-12-20T14:48:54+00:00

I'm not yet ready to give up on the dream of having a child who is a tiny version of my husband. If I cannot have a child by my husband I will adopt. At a foster to adopt training they talked about how you must first grieve the loss of a biological child. I have not gotten there yet.

ladylara19 · 2017-12-20T16:57:33+00:00

When people have casually said this when I've opened up about infertility I lose my goddamn mind and shoot fire out of my eyes. It's incredibly painful to come to terms with one's inability to have biological children, and no one should force that reckoning until science says it's time to consider it. Personally, it took me four months to mourn and grieve the loss of the bio children I will never have before I was okay moving onto donor eggs. I am feeling hopeful, but if we run into problems, our next step would be embryo adoption. Personally I think that is the future of adoption (since there is no cabbage patch of babies as others have mentioned) and I'm surprised it doesn't get more attention. It's much less expensive and has a high success rate.

Redskittles37 · 2017-12-20T17:17:55+00:00

Anyone who says "just adopt," has no idea what the adoption process entails. Its usually even more expensive and difficult than going through IVF. Even if you are willing to take an older child, theyll probably never see you as their real parent. My friend spent years and a ton of money in order to adopt a 10 year old boy through foster care and has admitted to regretting adopting him.

PoliteWhirlwind · 2017-12-20T17:51:11+00:00

I am not emotionally equipped to deal with a group of people deciding if I get to keep a baby or not. After five miscarriages, I'm not interested in having to give back a foster child or waiting for a birth mother to change her mind. I've given back enough babies because biology has forced me to but I'm not willing to put myself in a position where other people would force me.

mshake5405 · 2017-12-20T18:16:46+00:00

I hate this. Someone else said to me the other day “maybe you’re just meant to have someone else’s baby.”

Shut up. You have no clue.

closedblueyes · 2017-12-20T18:29:58+00:00

Because I didn't have 40k lying around to toss at another process that might not work?

bobbi_joy · 2017-12-20T21:14:34+00:00

I want to raise a baby from infancy and from my research, it seems that there are more parents waiting to adopt than there are available babies (especially available healthy babies). I'm also fairly certain that my husband and I wouldn't be chosen quickly (or at all?) if we were going to apply for domestic infant adoption. We're not religious. We're vegan. We live a modest life. We don't have amazing hobbies. We have jobs/careers that are sometimes hard to describe and surely aren't glamorous. International adoption seems to be getting more and more restrictive. Also, I'm kind of pissed that adoption means needing to open up our life to scrutiny so that someone else can decide whether we are worthy of becoming parents. We've always wanted to be parents. We're kind and caring and responsible people. So even though it makes sense for adoption agencies to require classes and home studies, I still feel pretty pissed that so many people get to be parents with little or no thought. If it comes down to it, maybe we'll try. But maybe we won't.

By the way, if you want to see some of the worst and most ignorant comments saying "just adopt", read almost any post about pregnancy on the vegan subreddit. Others who are vegan or vegetarian on here may have noticed this. Seeing the ignorant comments telling people how easy it is to adopt really grinds my gears. I never make any comments back because if people there found out that I want my own children AND I'm going through infertility treatments, I'm sure they'd come after me with torches and pitchforks.

Reminds me of Charlie's rant from It's Always Sunny about jobs. "Oh, get a job? Just get a job? Why don't I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into job land, where jobs grow on jobbies?!”

Oh yes, just adopt! Why didn't I think of that?! Let me go to the baby store and pick one up on the way home tonight!!! /s

Okay. Rant over. :)

EDIT: Strangely enough, there's a pregnancy-related post in that subreddit today and comments are largely supportive. People saying "just adopt!" are being downvoted. Is this an alternate universe? Whatever. I'll take it!

passtheguacamole · 2017-12-20T17:46:02+00:00

Honestly - because we've spent the last four years as de facto parents for a young adult in our extended family. He's a great kid (guy now) and we love him, and the experience is partly what convinced me that I could handle being a mother, which is why I'm now doing ART. But there have been a lot of challenges, even beyond what I expected. At this point if the ART stuff doesn't work, we're looking at being childfree.

sisypheanboulders · 2017-12-20T21:00:54+00:00

I always thought I would have a couple of bio kids and adopt a couple of kids--I never knew how difficult both things would be! For me/us, besides the financial issues, time pressure, reluctance to adopt an older child with developmental/behavioral issues (at least as our first), etc., we are also a "mixed race" couple. Where we live, very few babies and kids are adopted each year, and of those that are, they seek an "ethnic match" to make the child feel more at home. As a mixed race couple, we are difficult to match. Also, because of our jobs and income requirements, one of us would likely be required to become a stay-at-home parent, which neither of us wants to do, nor can we afford to. Finally, we are both expats and, while we are legally in our country of residence, we are not citizens so would again be far down on the waiting list, so basically impossible to adopt here.

And about overseas adoption--again, there are ethical dilemmas and increasing legal regulations--but the cost is extremely high. I do know someone who adopted a newborn overseas after many years of failed IVF treatments. Their fees were over $100K just for adoption alone, which is not something that we can afford. It is shocking to me that people think it's easy to just pick up a newborn from the doorstep.

GrumpyPenguin808 · 2017-12-21T01:38:27+00:00

I would truly love to adopt, and dreamed of it for many years. In our situation the chances of having a baby are better with IVF than adoption- our fertility therapist gave us a 10% chance at adoption, and even at my advanced age our RE gives us much better odds with a PGS normal embryo than that. We both have health issues, including my spouse had cancer multiple times. We're atheists. We're better off financially than most but nowhere near wealthy enough to afford attempting the international adoption process (probably repeatedly) or buying a house in our high-cost of living area and me giving up my career etc. to perhaps offset what birth parents might see as our "flaws" and make us more attractive candidates. I can't imagine when spoiled for choice most birth parents would give us a second look.

Mostly, I'm terrified that failing at adoption would be so much more painful and difficult than all the already painful and difficult things we've experienced. My amazing husband has already suffered far too much. I want to protect him from pain when I can, and give him a happy life. That is even more important to me than being a parent.

pineapple_gal1 · 2017-12-21T02:16:22+00:00

My husband and I both have tender hearts for hurting kids, but honestly, adopting is scary. I have a sibling who was adopted at birth, a few years before I was born. That sibling struggled with identity, mood swings, and rejection issues, and to this day is still very emotionally insecure. They've met their biological family and are quick to say that their life would have been a wreck if they hadn't been adopted - but they still have a lot of issues that I'm not sure I want to deal with again in a child/parent relationship.

Dr_Julian_Helisent · 2017-12-21T02:18:48+00:00

We're actually going through the process of getting our foster care license and boy do I have thoughts about this.

First, the goal of foster care is reunification. Someone who wants to raise a child as their own to adulthood has no business fostering. Fostering means being a co-parent and supporting the bio parents while they get their shit together.

Second, the kids who are available for adoption through the foster system are older and/or have medical needs. Parenting a traumatized teen takes special skills and resources. We'll probably adopt an older kid in a few years but it's not for everyone.

Although we're happy to adopt one of our kids when they're older, we'd also like to have the experience of raising a baby. This means we'll have to either adopt a baby or do fertility treatments. We can't adopt internationally because I have bipolar disorder and that's a bar. It also makes us bad candidates for domestic infant adoption. That leaves fertility treatments (which will probably pursue next fall after foster kid is settled).

Mrs_Marshmellow · 2017-12-20T18:20:41+00:00

There are a number of reasons (and I'm wordy):

I agree with u/RickGrimesBeard23 that the idea of opening my life up to inspection and judgement to be deemed worthy is too overwhelming at the moment.

I live in a province where the wait to adopt has increased as there are less adoptable children available due to things like better social services and support allowing women to parent as well as an increase in abortions (the abortion rate has risen in my province, unlike the rest of the country). Yes, there are older children that are available for adoption, but this usually goes along with challenges such as health, behavioral, developmental or emotional issues and I want to ensure that both my husband and I are ready and able to tackle these issues before we commit to adopting a child because if we aren't both ready, we would only end up doing more harm to that child.

I am aware that international adoption could potentially be an option, but it also comes with it's own set of issues.

I worry that adopting a child from another country would mean cutting that child off from their culture and worry that this could cause issues for the child in finding their own identity as they age. While I could always do my best to try to teach the child about their culture and where they came from, the fact is that teaching them from books is not the same as them actually experiencing it and growing in it and I worry that they would come to resent me in time because of this.
I, again, worry about potential health, behavioral, developmental or emotional issues. You don't always know the full story of the child's past - were they abused, did they suffer from neglect, are there attachment issues due to abandonment/ spending time in an orphanage?
Concerns surrounding how the child became available for adoption - I have heard several stories people going through what they thought were reputable agencies and later finding out that the birth parent's were lied to and papers forged in order to take children and place them with a family in another country.
Cost, to put it bluntly. Different sources quote different amounts, but generally for an international adoption in Canada, you could potentially be paying $50,000. This is somewhat prohibitive in my opinion.

FreyaFiend · 2017-12-20T18:50:57+00:00

My partner and I live in New Zealand, but we're both ex-pats (I'm from the US, hes from the UK). There's less than 100 children adopted in NZ every year, with a HUGE push to place children within birth families. If an adoption DOES happen, the birth parents usually pick out the adoptive parents, and since we're not actually kiwis, it's unlikely we'd ever be chosen. International adoption is only available from three countries, with severe restrictions on two of them.

lettertoelise9 · 2017-12-21T02:06:14+00:00

For us it boiled down to: bio kids or bust. My husband was completely not on board with raising a kid that is not biologically his. I was a little more open to adoption, but I for me personally I would feel some resentment if he has a bio kid and I didn't. So for me it was either a kid of both of DNAs or a kid of neither of ours. We have unexplained infertility so I felt like we had options available to at least try for bio first.

I knew a work colleague who adopted and it wasn't an easy process. She and her husband tried everything. They were with an agency which contacted them about a baby they got matched with two weeks before the baby was due. So they flew to another state and had to wait there for a preliminary period of time (like a week) during which the bio mom can decide to keep the baby. In the end I'm happy they are happy, but the process seems so stressful.

MOMofHulk · 2017-12-21T02:44:34+00:00

My Husband's job precludes us from adopting, as does being unemployed... So we are kind of screwed either way.

lilimu · 2017-12-21T03:44:20+00:00

I can't bring myself to do it. What if the birth parents change their mind, and I have to give our baby back? What if we are fostering in the process of adoption, and they send our baby back to some terrible circumstances because "the birth parents deserve another chance". My personal experiences with the system thus far haven't been great, I have absolutely no faith left in it. It's also far too intrusive - I understand why and it makes sense, but I resent being put under a microscope in all aspects of my life just because we couldn't conceive naturally.

penshername · 2017-12-21T17:41:18+00:00

This thread made me think what I would do if I tried IVF and failed.

Here are my thoughts:

I would adopt and foster all the fur babies. My current one needs a companion.
Volunteer to tutor ESL kids
Get fur baby trained a therapy dog
Enjoy things I wouldn’t be able to do otherwise. Travel. Lots of Yoga. Retire in a warm tropical place writing books.
Get good at yoga/meditation so I can help kids calm the down.
Get good at allergen free baking so I can help kids with eating disorders
Write books

Now, some of these things I can do now. Some I would be doing now if my sister-in-law wouldn’t have interfered in our marriage.

What this list, my fertility treatments, time and money, all say that is is my personal business. How to use my emotional currency is my personal business.

The “just adopt” statement is a little too prying. I am almost tempted to say “why don’t you get started on planning your funeral.” Why don’t YOU adopt?

loopymath · 2017-12-20T17:27:17+00:00

My husband and I have agreed that we do want to adopt eventually, but we would really like for our first child to be biologically ours. For me it's the desire to have an infant. My understanding is that infant adoptions are very hard to come by, and while I do want to adopt older kids someday, I want to have the "whole" experience, so to speak. In a weird way, I don't feel ready to be a parent to an older toddler/child without having raised them from infancy.

If fertility treatements don't work (I'm in the TWW of our first IUI cycle, and we've decided that IVF is off the table), then we will still bursue adoption.

PCOScrewThis · 2017-12-20T21:53:31+00:00

THANK YOU for posting this. SO many of all your answers are reasons my husband and I feel the same way about this topic. I think adoption is fantastic - I just don’t feel like it is right for us now, and maybe not ever.

CountingSheeep · 2017-12-20T23:52:38+00:00

Cost 2. Husband is adamant we try everything first to have our own biological kid first. 3. My fear of bio-mom coming back to snatch my child. That would kill me.

Adopting is extremely expensive, even within the US. My husbands company provides adoption assistant $6k-$7k which is something, but not much. We were gearing up last year to adopt the 3 year old son of my husbands 23 year old niece who hit rock bottom with her drug habits (she refuses help and is involved in witchcraft).My BIL put an end to it knowing his daughter is the type to come back later on and take the kid away which would be absolutely devastating for us.

I hear way too many stories of drug addicted, shitty bio-moms coming back to take their kids. If we ever adopt (we would still consider this down the road) we are going overseas where it’s more of a “done deal”.

thebeeknee · 2017-12-21T13:08:58+00:00

We started down the foster/adopt path a few months ago.

We then realized we only had enough emotional currency to do either IVF or foster/adopt. We are pursuing IVF now.

Private adoption is not financially possible for us. We found out that in our state to adopt a child under 3 means the child will most likely have some sort of diagnosis. We were told foster to adopt would be our most successful chance at adopting a baby. We also found out that bio reunification is valued above all else. I don’t know if’s have the strength to foster a baby knowing the goal isn’t for me to become that baby’s mom.

WittyandWhimsy · 2017-12-21T20:43:20+00:00

This is why I wish those “just adopt!!!!11” people would actually go to an adoption agency website and see for themselves what the costs and time entail. Some people are actually pretty clueless that it costs money. I mean it costs $1200 or somewhere around there just to attend a mandatory meeting that’s usually only held every 3 months. Spots fill up fast but you have to pay that money up front. I think Mr. Witty and I live comfortably but we just don’t have extra thousands of $$$ floating around. By the time you save up, usually the spots are taken.

Then you get the folks who mention that foster care / public adoption is basically free. Well essentially yes, but a lot of them suffer from FASD and other behavioural issues that we are not equipped to deal with and that’s OK to say. They are not a replacement because I can’t have a biological child and I won’t view them as such. They just don’t seem to get all the emotional and mentally exhausting aspects of it. I’d rather my life not be scrutinized on whether I’d make a good parent. IF has already done enough damage to my self esteem.

Usually the people making these comments have had free sex babies or I mention that’s what they would do in our situation. I don’t care if I sound selfish, I want to have a BABY of my own. I want to experience pregnancy, set up a nursery, buy cute little baby things, I want all of it.

If that makes me selfish then I guess all the fertiles are too.

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