notadiamond

So, this is in response to Abbey's Letter to the DAYDians. Yeah, like the subject heading says. I'm tired, leave me alone. I wrote the body first, now the intro. So, I don't know where to start, and my LJ knowledge is ancient. So I'm going to put Abbey's words in italics (Or description of picture) then respond in regular type.


On the Irrational Voices of Reason

This is pretty chilling to look back on. And yes, we were planning to expand. We had one couple in mind, people who remained friends after Tentmoot. We discussed it and came to the conclusion (ok, Jordan, came to the conclusion) that although the husband would believe, the wife was too  Christian. I’m glad, for their sakes. They’re good people and were already hurt in the mess. There was another girl, too. Maybe 23. Met her at a wiccan shop (so much for the part about not encouraging any belief system or the whole Sindarin pagan thing). Thankfully, she talked to her dad and backed away.

So I guess this is where I talk about something I hinted at in a response to the whole thread following one of Abbey’s blog entries. After the shit hit the fan, Jorday def. wanted to expand. First, it was my co-worker who asked me out to a movie. Fail. Then, it was his buddy from the psych ward. Seriously. He met this guy while he was in the mental hospital after he faked that suicide attempt pre-Tentmoot. Now, he had a son who was like…8? (I did actually meet the kid, so it’s the one thing I know to be true – that and the psych ward part, I met him there on a visit to Jordan) Here’s what I was led to believe, but cannot vouch for any of it, and, considering the sources, severely doubt:

• He was divorcing his physically abusive wife.
•  He was in the psych ward b/c his therapist asked if he ever felt like killing himself and he jokingly said something to the effect of “doesn’t everybody?” (Trust me – it takes more than that to be committed, especially when you’re already getting help)
• He was an ex-Seal with a bad back from combat (claimed to have served in Desert Storm, yes he was about the right age for it)
• He used to be a Microsoft tech (the computer wasn’t working – Abbey & Jordan said Bob fucked with it; I don’t know if that’s true or not. Maybe they were destroying stuff? We took it to his house to have him fix it – he couldn’t.)

Yeah, THIS is the guy Jordan was pushing me to start a relationship with. Someone who could either BE abusive, or be abused. I said no thanks (not that I recognized the abuse at the time, it just didn’t seem right to me to get with a guy getting divorced and battling for a son who was WAY too old to be mine)

I was being pushed to “deal with” my sexuality, or lack thereof. I was starting to hate my virginity. I was made very very conscious of how I dressed, sat, presented myself. I was told that since my parents gave me NO sex ed (seriously, “the talk” was “don’t have sex, it’s bad”) and my sexuality was completely squashed, that I was basically being raped. Because rape is taking away a person’s power over their own body (Jordan’s logic, not mine).  I longed, out of shame, to have a carnal relationship. I was encouraged to start exploring. Both by myself and with Raz’s (Pippin’s) help and guidance. God. I hate writing this, but I want people to know the truth. As shameful as it is. If this helps just ONE person, my discomfort in reveiling this will be worth it.

Then we moved to Hollywood. I did a short stint as Jane (from Tarzan). Lots of looks, but no income. Switched to Poison Ivy (I have to say my costume was pretty fucking cool). I met PW the Irishman and yet another J – a rock’n’roller. But I still wasn’t getting pics, so I got a “real” job. Went out with the rocker for a little while, but then he moved to Finland to join a band (his had recently broken up). Yeah, that made me feel great. I honestly thought it was just his way of breaking up with me. I honestly felt completely undesirable. Like there had to be something really wrong with me. And it wasn’t my weight. I’d been anorexic for quite some time. I was down around like 100lbs. (“Pan” the elven doctor said 95, so it had to have been more than that). But I did look like a skeleton. Abbey and Jordan had been after me to eat since we were in San Dimas. But I really WAS NOT hungry. For me, it wasn’t about my weight.. I didn’t believe them. It wasn’t until I caught a glimpse of myself, unexpectedly, in the window at Borders, that I saw it for myself. My face scared me. Looking back through my life, I now recognize that I don’t eat when I’m stressed. So if anyone heard that I was strung out on coke or something, this might be where the story comes from. I DID look like I was on something.

OK, so the pressure was still on from Jordan. Then Andy (Orlando Bloom) started coming through the mindhole. Then something happened. I fucked up. I guess. Neither Abbey nor I have any idea what happened, but I said or did something to make Elijah/Jordan go away. He said he was going to be like Amy (dead). So Andy came to fill the space to keep the body alive. You know why Andy was able to come through? Drugs. Lots and lots and lots of them. I think the real Mr. Bloom might have something to say about that. I was in anguish. I was made to believe that I was killing my friend. And my other friend’s fiancé. I know Abbey felt the anguish, too, which made me sink deeper and deeper into the lies. And the guilt. Oh, the guilt. After that, I really felt like I HAD to be good, do what I was told, don’t cause any more trouble. ‘Cause ‘Lij wasn’t gone yet. So I might be able to get him to come back. And I had to write to him every day, in a journal, and beg for his forgiveness and plead with him to come back. Like Abbey, I was told I had a control addiction that I had to get rid of. We were both being taken through a 12-step program. Yeah, just like AA. Which is why I love the South Park episode so fucking much. So we (Abbey and I) had to take responsibility for EVERYTHING. Enumerate exactly what we did wrong. Beg forgiveness. You know, I don’t think any one occupying that body had to any of that. That’s BS!

Andy was much more suave, adult, fun-loving (in a grown up way) than Jordan or Elijah. (Somehow Elijah and Jordan’s destinies were tied into each other????). He totally played Abbey and I off each other. And yeah, she had some good reasons to be jealous. But the pressure to be sexually active just grew. It was excruciating. After one particularly bad/weird night, I decided to go for a walk. OK, it was the wee hours of the morning, when even most of Hollywood is sleeping. I purposefully went past the park and then sat in a wooded area, in hopes of being “raped.” I know, fucked up, right? And my sincerest apologies to anyone who really has been raped. I know it’s a really fucked up thing to think and say. And no, it would not have been rape by the man who was doing it. If anything, Jordan, by his own definition, had raped me. I no longer cared about the who, what, when etc about losing my virginity. I just wanted it GONE.

No, I did not lose my virginity that night, nor for many nights to come. But I was looking to. And when I finally did, I never told him I was a virgin. I was too ashamed. It was 2 months before my 22^nd birthday. You just don’t find 22 year old virgins in Hollywood. But you know what? He was a smart guy, I think he figured it out. And yeah, I still have aftermath I'm dealing with. For 20 years, I wasn't allowed to even have a gender. Then I joined a cult where the leader was trying to whore me out. Then I gave away my virginity because i was ashamed. I'm not happy or proud of it. But maybe someone will learn from my mistakes. That's all I can do with them now.

OK, so I’m typing this in Word so I don’t loose it again, and it’s over three pages. It’s also after 1 am. And I’m now emotionally exhausted. I think I’ll have to continue this later.