r/polyamory

Context: Partner and I are both in our early 40's and have been seriously dating for a little over a year. She lives with a nesting partner, but spends 2-3 nights a week at my place, so it's pretty serious. I've been needing more connections lately during the 4 days a week she isn't around so I have recently been talking about dating someone else regularly for the first time since we started dating ( I've mainly been open to casual for the last year). To be clear it's always been the case that of course I can date other people as much as I want, it was just a choice on my part not to date others seriously over the last year. We generally have great communication and our only real existing rules are around sexual safety.

Issue: So the other day I mentioned I had been on a dating app and it led to a whole conversation in which my partner revealed she would have a problem with me dating people she knew and had had bad associations with in the past. For clarity, she also said most of the people she knows she would be fine with me dating, she just didn't want me dating people she's had previous negative experiences with. She also mentioned she didn't want me to date any "mean girls", which I understood to mean she doesn't want to have a meta that treats her shitty. I feel like I wouldn't date anyone who treats other people shitty anyway so idk.

The end of this conversation resulted in her proposing a rule that I would promise to bring her up by name to the person I was on a date with by the second date (she has a very unique name) to make sure they didn't know my partner. We also talked about alternately/instead me showing pictures to my partner of prospective dates to see if she knew them before I started dating them.

Personally this doesn't sit right with me. It just feels super hierarchical to make a rule around this and I'm generally not into rules unless absolutely necessary. It also doesn't feel right in a way that's hard for me to describe, but I guess I look at it like my partner should trust me not to make decisions that would seriously negatively impact her or our relationship (like dating a super toxic person for example). My argument is that she should trust me to do that vetting instead of having a rule where she gets to oversee any vetting process, which doesn't feel right to me. My partner also said that she does trust me, that some of this was more about her stuff that was based on past bad experiences, and that doing this would support her by being sensitive to that. We're still in the discussion phase around this so I thought I'd reach out for more opinions/advice.

Questions:

Thoughts on this proposed "rule"? How do other people navigate potentially dating someone your partner might know or had bad experiences with? Have any of you had issues with this? Any other suggestions on how to navigate this issue? Is having veto power over who your partner dates reasonable in this specific case (vetoing people she knows and has had bad experiences with)? All thoughts/opinions are welcome.

My personal favorite rule (and it is a rule) I have in new relationships is I have to leave by 9pm/you have to leave by 10pm. Not because of any relationship agreements or curfews but because I’m autistic and if I don’t sleep in my own bed with my nighttime routine I become Evil.

But I usually have to explain that it’s completely self imposed and people only believe me half the time and think I’m just covering for some super jealous and controlling NP who is anxiously waiting up for me 🙄

What are some of your self imposed rules?

I (F) met up with a new potential (M) last night for first one on one hang. We’ve previously hung out in a group setting and have chatted via text for a few weeks. We went to a lounge and were there for a few hours chatting, making out, having a good time. About halfway through our hang his FWB showed up. He had mentioned to her where he’d be out at and she is a regular there too. He and I weren’t on a date, we just wanted to check out the same place, while also getting to know each other more.

I didn’t hold back on my affection towards him still because I didn’t really see the need to I guess. It wasn’t in front of her (until she started making out with another guy so that felt fair).

The part that left me feeling weird is as we were all leaving she starts inviting him to come back to her place. He can’t for whatever excuses he gives. I ended up slowly exiting the situation and walking to my car alone because it felt incredibly awkward.

It felt disrespectful on her part to invite the guy I’ve been sucking face with all night to leave with her, but I also know that they have that bond so maybe I should think more about it?

I welcome your two cents.

Obligatory “my steak too juicy my lobster too buttery”

I am a middle aged woman. I am not supposed to have this intense NRE. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year. We see each other 1-2 times a week. I cannot keep my hands off him. I feel crazy. This has made me feel crazy. I do not think it’s affected my marriage but I am discovering I really never had to deal with ORE vs NRE in the 10+ years of being poly. I’d always had good partners who I liked very much. Even loved. But it never felt like this.

No advice needed except if you can commiserate/share your joy! It’s not bad it’s just confusing. I’m in perimenopause!!!

Hey all! Please help me make the correct decision. I’m having a bit of an argument with my husband/nesting partner. The issue: he tells me that he’s trying to coordinate time with a fairly new connection. He basically tells me to pick a day, Friday night or Saturday. I call Friday night. He has been complaining that he doesn’t get an overnight or a full day. Due to this, I say have the full day to yourself. Side note: this is no fault of mine. I have a partner that I see regularly within the boundaries that my NP & I set. My NP doesn’t have a regular partner or anyone that he sees consistently. I still tell him to get a hotel in the city & take that time to meet others, spend the day with friends, etc. He thinks that’s lame if he’s doing it by himself or with platonic friends. Hence, he hasn’t taken the time allowed to him. I think of it as guaranteed childfree regardless if he’s solo.

With him not taking the time, he holds it over my head. I’m basically kicking him out this Saturday regardless. Anywho! Long story short, his date is unavailable Saturday. She is available Friday though. He came to me and asked me for a favor. He wants me to cancel my date on Friday and now take Saturday instead. I saw my partner yesterday & we set something up for Friday night. I did ask my partner if he’s free Saturday. He is, but he has already gotten tickets to the Friday night date. I tell my husband that I can’t cancel due to this.

He gets pissy & says that he wants a flexible partner who can do him a favor. He says he should have priority since I just saw my partner yesterday. I remind him that I hadn’t seen him 2 weeks prior to yesterday. His rebuttal is that he hasn’t seen his new connection longer than that, so he should have priority. I feel like it isn’t fair to ask me to cancel a date to accommodate his date. My plans are already paid for & set. I take pride in not canceling on dates. I’m married with kids & I don’t want to be like the other horror stories I read about married couples. I feel like it’s not fair to ask me to cancel for the first time ever for this. For an actual emergency, sure. I feel like this isn’t one. What say my fellow poly people?

P.S. Yes, my husband does get childfree time. He just doesn’t have anyone to do overnights with, so he feels like it’s unfair sometimes. We’re allowed 1 to 2 overnights a month. I’ve routinely done once a month since April. Aforementioned, I’ve told him frequently to get a hotel & enjoy himself. That’s lame.😒 I know that might be a question, so I wanted to reiterate.

Oof! This morning my partner who I am very in love with accidentally butt dialed me from bed with someone else.

For context, my partner has been working out of state for the summer so I have not been physically with them for almost two months and their job is very consuming so even when I do get digital time with them they're not always as tuned in or resourced as I would like them to be. This person they were with is their summer fling, fully above board and encouraged by me, who they were spending the night with last night. I have had some feelings come up around them, mainly because they see each other pretty consistently once a week or so and it's just tough that it's impossible for me to get that as well but we have always worked through it and my partner has been very receptive and caring to my feelings. I also have no other partners so it kinda feels like I'm just waiting around for connection.

I was so excited when I saw an early morning call from them and said "Baby!..... honey?" to which I started to hear odd noises that I realized was smooching. And then she said something like, "Sorry about my [inaudible]" and my partner gave a sweet cozy familiar giggle. KILL ME. I almost would have preferred to hear them getting it on. Morning after pillow talk and sweet kisses are what I have been desperately missing. Plus, I can only imagine this was an on ramp to intimate and sweet morning sex... UGH

Anyways, I hung up right away and texted them to give them a heads up so they could not do it again but I definitely killed their vibe. Which I feel bad about and I wish I had the strength right now to jump to compersion but also fuck that sucked.

TLDR: Gimme fun suggestions for a combo sex, sleep, and hangout room for my cohabitating partner and our other partners - right now, those partners are separate so definitely not an emphasis on threesomes/larger sex groups.

Much Longer Version with Details

My cohabitating partner (and husband, but that part isn't important) and I are going to swap our house's master suite with a normal sized bedroom so that we can turn the master suite into a Partner Suite for being able to privately sleep, have sex with, and hang out with our partners. We will likely be having most of our sex between the two of us in that room too.

We bought a nice hybrid mattress rather than the Purple mattress we sleep on so that it'll have more bounce and be more sex-friendly. I also bought a nice mattress protector and bamboo bedding.

I'll be getting a very large memory foam rug to put down to help with sound proofing and may also get soundproofing for the door.

We intend to put a seating area with a TV in the room and I'll probably try to display my romance books (I own at least a largeish bookshelf worth).

We currently have a convertible sex bench that will be in the room and I'd like to install several hardpoints on walls and the ceiling so we can have a swing and bondage spots. Several partners are interested in elements of kink, but not all.

With it being intended to be a master suite, there is also a large bathroom with a soaking tub, shower, and double sink.

Alright, I think that's it. Hit me with any ideas I haven't thought about!

So this is something I've been struggling a little with.

Ive (44m) been poly for the last 3.5 years. I have a nesting partner I have a child with. About a year and a half ago I started seeing someone, my first ever poly relationship. At first, I approached it more or less like my monogamous relationships in the past, which was a mistake. NRE combined with heteromononormative training my whole life drove my clingyness and insecurity into overdrive. It certainly didn't help that the partner I chose started rapidly acquiring new partners very soon after we became official. Over the course of the past year, I have gained three metamours and lost two, all from one partner. I've been with this woman for a year and I feel like I've been "dragged through the ringer" as far as polyamory goes. I think part of me was angry that my NRE was barely underway and I saw her acquiring partners so quickly as an insult. Like I could only keep her interested in me for a few months.

I came close to ending things with her numerous times, mostly whenever new metas came into the picture. The first new meta was also someone who was very domineering and had a personality that presumes being in charge, so it felt like this weird attempt for him to become the leader of the whole polycule or something, and I did not respond well. But I love her and instead, I chose to read the books and get the therapy. I was determined that if I did end things I wanted to make sure it wasn't due to lack of work on myself. I didn't quietly sit by and stew in those feelings. I told her everything. We had a few arguments, more than I have ever had in a relationship before, but we were always able to resolve them. I felt like the experience, although difficult, was helping me be more the kind of person I wanted to be.

She is very intensely into me and focused on me while we had our time together, but when shed be in a situation where other partners were present, I had to confront the fact that other people get that kind of intense attention and that I can't always have that from her.

In mono relationships, that level of intensity is very very available and exclusive to you in the beginning. So seeing someone else get that same intensity can be very gut-wrenching. Over time, I got used to it, and I learned to self-soothe better. For one, I realized that it's okay if I feel uncomfortable seeing my partner with another partner, and that for the most part, I don't have to put myself in that situation if I don't want to. There are a few exceptions , like her birthday when all the partners are there. She even told me she was paying more attention to her other partners because I was the one spending the night, and I understood that and was okay with it.

Bottom line, my main tactic in learning to cope with all this is has been to detach, to emotionally withdraw from the relationship. Not totally, but I feel like I was too attached and in the codependency realm with it. I love her, but if I start letting myself get in that headspace where I need her attention to feel good, that's not healthy for me, her, or my other partner.

It makes sense, but it's still bothering me. I feel like I've become cold, selfish, distant, etc. It feels like my relationship with her means less. I'm meeting new people who have interest there too, but the idea of more relationships just doesn't appeal to me, and I feel like I'm just wrong somehow. Like I recognize that I have a codependent personality and how toxic monogamy can be, but part of me wants that anyway. Like I get that monogamy substitutes structure for security, and it's not true security, but after a year an a half of trying to rebuild myself and become better and providing my own security, I still miss relying on the structure. I feel awful because I want something I know is also not healthy. Like my body is telling me i need to be a toxic person to be happy

I recently had my first STD (turns out you can be fully protected but still catching oral gonno from kissing? 😅)

Both my partners got tested and one of them was also positive.

We both got treatment last week and were careful with one another just in case reinfection could happen.

Last night, that partner saw their other person. They’d told this person and the person had said they were going to get tested, but it turns out they hadn’t gotten around to it before last night. My partner went ahead and interacted with them anyway, so potentially has exposed themselves again. Tonight I’m staying over and I’ve just found this out. I guess I’m not kissing or fooling around with them tonight!

But I’m feeling pissed that they knowingly created a risk, knowing it would mean I might have to accept the risk too or avoid sex. Is it fair that I feel upset?

I'd love some commentary on others experiences, thoughts and feelings here.

I'm dating a person, as well as their partner. One partner involved has made it clear that they do not want a group relationship dynamic, and want to remain three individual dyads, however I struggle to see how that can be the case when they are usually the ones hosting me and the three of us are often in the same spaces (and enjoy being that way).

Obviously staying away from sexual group dynamics is completely fine to manage, but as someone who has no interest in leaving space for Jesus in between all three of us while we hang out together... I'm just not sure its completely unavoidable? Maybe I'm missing something here but I like the idea of all of us spending time together as friends and as partners, and the other 2 people agree with that, too - does the label we put on that time as a group actually make any difference? Are boundaries here more important than the label?

I have so many questions and it feels like there's so many balls in the air that I'm juggling - as you can tell I've never done this before, so I'm reaching out because it's all kind of a lot to work through.

- Do you think it's possible in this situation to have no group dynamics at all?

- Have you ever been in this situation, or been in a place where you've managed a similar thing? How was your experience? Any advice?

Edit: We are having a group discussion this week, and I mostly just wanted to be better prepared for it with some of the points I could bring up.

I haven’t really seen many post about how much TIME really is required for polyamory. Lately, I have been thinking A LOT of where my shortcomings come from and its lack of time. Instead of trying to fit into everything to make poly work, I’ve taken a step back from pursuing or even looking because working 12hr/5days a week is really taxing on top of maintaining a concrete 6yr relationship plus trying to add another into the mix.

It certainly is disheartening that life and opportunity passes me by but I can’t really jump at it because of time. I’ve been poly for about 3-4years with a few dates but no real success. So what do I do? Just focus HEAVY on my current relationship. Build better foundation, show up even harder for them, and continuously improve my communication.

Not entirely sure the purpose of this post other than to sort my thoughts but hopefully, I won’t have such a taxing schedule where I could actually explore connections. As for now, I’ll keep my head down, not rush or push for anything and bide my time.

Cheers to those in the sidelines.

I posted about this once before, my partner aspen and I met birch at a social function. I was really attracted to birch and said so repeatedly. We later both saw birch on Grindr. My partner ribbed me about it asking if I would ever make a move and commenting on how we’re both bottoms(turns out birch is not just a bottom but that’s beside the point).

Fast forward and my partner says they’re talking on the app, aspen says they’re going to wingman me. Weird but okay. Fast forward again and they don’t remember saying that they would wingman me and they’ve made plans. I am upset, it causes a fight. They have a casual connection, fwb type thing, they have things in common, I feel guilty about interfering with it knowing how unfair that is to birch. But also I feel so slighted by my partner. I ask aspen to communicate far ahead about plans, they have a few dates and I grit my teeth through it.
I felt and still feel angry, It feels like aspen manipulated the initial situation(I don’t believe that was their actual intention), and I can’t shake it. They probably didn’t even have to, my partner is very attractive and much more popular than I am in the dating department.

I wish that I had never met birch so that there wouldn’t have been an opportunity for my partner to betray me this way. I was struggling really hard about it, we had a few fights about it. Aspen really struggles to self regulate in conflict and cancelled on birch more than once due to me voicing my feelings. I want to stress how much that is not the outcome I wanted and how embarrassed I am about how it effects birch.

I asked aspen to share less hoping it would help me deal and they didn’t want to feel like they’re hiding things from me so aspen decided to take a break from seeing birch. I really honestly didn’t want them to stop seeing eachother, it feels so unfair to birch to be caught in this, I begged aspen to not do it this way but they couldn’t handle how sad I am effects our relationship.

they stopped hanging out for a few months, they have since started to see eachother again and I was doing okay at first. Birch has started to come out to all of aspens public events. I noticed that they started greeting eachother by kissing on the mouth, I asked my partner about it and they said something to the effect of ‘birch is touchy with everyone’ it really bothered me that they couldn’t identify or communicate with me about what was going on between them.
A few weeks later and aspen tells me they may have feelings for eachother and it’s like I’m back to square one. That little detail of how their relationship started is eating me up, I don’t know how to square it. If they move forward this will be my partner’s fourth partner.

I am admittedly the person aspen spends the most time with but I am already very stressed about time and the thought of splitting more is also sending me into a bit of a spiral. Last week aspen put a birch hang in the calendar for while I was at work. I found out on the morning of that the plans had changed beforehand and the only window I had to see aspen that day got cut in half. I was feeling really low about it and asked aspen to keep their calendar accurate and it turned into a fight so bad they cancelled on birch and stayed at their mom’s house.

I don’t know what to do. I feel terrible. It feels terrible remembering the feeling of my partner misleading me to make a pass at someone they know I have a crush on, it feels terrible to think of the way birch, someone I still really like, has gotten the short end of the stick repeatedly. I know it’s effecting them and i am so embarrassed that they probably blame me for their turmoil (ftr I have begged aspen to keep their commitments to birch). I also feel very sad that birch probably doesn’t want anything to do with me outside of being metas, if it wasn’t true before it is now.

I have no idea what to do. To feel better, to be mindful of birch. I don’t think aspen has the capacity to communicate better, I don’t think that they give themselves time to think about each of their relationships and consider how they will progress, I have told them this. I feel so awful about them having feelings for each other. I am jealous of both of them. I am angry. Any advice appreciated.

Tell me I’m not the only one?

Like, I can watch my partner have sex with someone else and just think about how happy he looks. I can watch him snuggle up with a meta I dislike and feel compersion for both of them. But he watches a movie with someone else that I wanted to watch with him and it feels like the biggest betrayal in the world. How could he??? I’m legitimately upset and I hate it. Ugh.

Anyone else? Advice for unpacking this stupid shit?

Backstory. My husband and I went on a trip out of state this past week. My other partner rearranged her plans, custody schedule, and spent money to drive me to the nearby city twice to attempt to pick up pur rental car because my husband's health was struggling. Then when we got back, she gave up some of her custody time so she could take me to drop off the car in that same city and take me home because my husband could not miss work.

Fast forward one week, and now she has gone on a trip. She made arrangements to pick up her rental car without me, so I didnt have to do that. But now she is returning tomorrow after 4 days. Before she left I offered to get her from the airport rental place (about 30 minutes from our house) and she agreed that she needed me to do so because there wasn't anyone else to do it. I agreed, since it is only right in my mind that I repay the favor that was done for me, multiple times.

However, I didnt tell my husband i had agreed to pick her up and drop her at home tomorrow, and we had planned to spend the day together as we have with whatever other free moments we have had during these days. We didnt have specific plans, but we just made a loose plan of we would hang out or do something.

Anyways, I told him this evening I would need to pick her up tomorrow briefly (like 2 hours) as she did for us, and he is upset because i offered to pick up my partner during "our time". However, i believe i would be a POS person to leave my partner stranded like that especially because I am just returning a favor to someone that did it for us.

His response was that she had 4 days to figure out something else and doesnt "need" me to do it. But she went so out of her way for my husband and I, and worked so hard to do the same for us just a week prior, I never thought he'd even have an issue with this. He says his issue is not that i want to return a favor, but that I considered one partner and didnt consider him. Again, I was just trying to repay what my partner did for HIM and I. Our conversation about this went south, going in a loop of not understanding eachothers POV, and i even apologized mid-argument that I didnt tell him sooner, and that I made him feel like he was not considered. I have now apologized multiple times, but also said i would not change my decision, as it is only fair I return the same favor and assistance to my partner as ahe did the exact same multiple times for us this past week.

He says I have shown him his time is not as important as someone else's, and has told me I need to go back to therapy and need help with this. He also asked me to post this. I didnt want to miss pur day together, i was just trying to give my partner the same consideration they gave myself and my husband, and never thought he would have an issue with that.

He's angry and has now told me that he is now "making himself unavailable to me" tomorrow and that he wont be spending time with me because our conversation went south and I made it unhealthy.

I told him that I repay what others do for me, it is who I am. Admittedly, I dont think I handled the conversation in the healthiest of ways since it got to the point where I was so taken aback and frustrated that I spoke out of emotion/shut down. But I dont know what to do. He said he will jist make himself unavailable to me since I apparently dont respect his time.

Please help. Again, I was asked to post this, so its with permission

I am at a six hour two-part Shakespeare production with intermissions in each part with my four partners for my birthday. I am in the middle of the five seats. They have switched at every break so that I get to sit next to each one for one half of each play.

It feels incredibly stupid and high effort and is making me feel very very special.

I (32/NB/solo poly) don’t mean to generalize, and I’m genuinely curious whether others have had different experiences.

Has anyone else found that some “non-hierarchical kitchen table polyamory” dynamics end up feeling… surprisingly controlling?

In my experience, it sometimes felt like there was an expectation that the broader polycule had input into my individual relationships. Instead of each relationship standing on its own, there seemed to be an expectation of group consensus or approval around new partners, almost like a council weighing in on my dating life.

It also left me wondering whether, in some circles, “kitchen table poly” can become a way of describing what is essentially a close-knit group of friends who all date or hook up with each other—but with an expectation that everyone is interconnected and involved. Almost like swinging, except framed through ongoing romantic relationships rather than casual sex. In one polycule that I experienced, everyone had a tendency of escalating to “partner” very quickly, but these connections operated more like FWB would for myself. It seemed as if having casual sex with friends, or swinging, was looked down upon.

I know that’s probably not what kitchen table poly is supposed to mean, so I’m wondering:
- Has anyone else experienced this?
- Is this just a feature of certain friend groups rather than KTP itself?
- If you practice non-hierarchical KTP, how do you keep autonomy and avoid groupthink or social pressure around each person’s relationships?

I’m interested in hearing perspectives from people who’ve had positive experiences too, because I’m trying to figure out whether I just encountered an unhealthy version of it.

***Edit — here’s some more context that I feel might be relevant. These experiences happened in small cities in the Bible Belt/Southern USA. I am not from the South and found some the social differences and perspectives, even amongst the progressive and alternative polyamorous folks here, to be jarringly regressive (this is not meant to disparage the South as a whole). “Non-hierarchical KTP” seems to be the de facto setup here, while it was much rarer in other cities I have lived. I’m wondering if KTP can occur as described above due to this socialization and stigma?

I’ve been scrolling through the sub and see so many posts (mainly from women) saying something along the lines of “my husband wants poly and I don’t, what should I do?”. Here is my general advice, just LEAVE.

I’ve seen this play out a million times and 95% of the time it ends in an ugly breakup. The couple goes through so so much ugliness before the inevitable separation. Save yourself the trouble and figure out how to amicably separate right now. Even in the 5% of people it “works” out in, most of the time the person who didn’t want it is unhappy. I’m sure there will be people in the comments saying “that’s not my experience” “mono and poly can work” etc. And fine, that is your experience. But for every experience of it “working out” there are 100 experiences of it ending very badly. If both people don’t come into the relationship wanting to be open, or both people don’t independently make that decision, it won’t work.

Take it from me. I was with a man for 7 years, married for 2. I was always more open and he would agree to it and then back track. It would be a cycle of me getting my hopes up and then being let down. It led to a lot of hurt for him because it’s not something he wanted but he didn’t want to lose me. We ended up separating but it got very ugly at the end. Now 4 years later im in an amazing relationship with someone who aligns better with my values and relationship style. Yeah it sucks for 1-2 years but you’ll look back and be so happy you did.

So take my advice from one woman to another - LEAVE.

and I knew it was a success when they called and told me that they also don't like saxophone, and think trumpet players are hot!

So proud of them, the anticipatory anxiety was STRONG, but they ended up chatting for 5 hours and have plans for open mic night!

They also brought home a bowl they made from their pottery class for my partner as it reminds them of him <3

It was just so fun that they came home GLOWING and that it was such a positive experience for them. Yay!

Sure I’ve become a better communicator, and I’ve learned how to speak up for my needs. But also:

- I got the HPV vaccine, which I doubt I would’ve done if I wasn’t planning to ever date new people ever again. And then I had an abnormal Pap test result and it was great that I’d gotten the vaccine!

- On that note, I got the abnormal Pap test result at an STI test appointment… quite possible I would’ve not been as diligent about getting a Pap test. Yay healthcare!

- I dated two different fellas who were really curious about me and my sleep health. I wasn’t sleeping enough. They asked good questions about this. They modelled excellent sleep hygiene. I am now getting more sleep and the dark circles under my eyes are fading. Wow! This is actually a really huge one for me. More sleep is EVERYTHING and their gentle prodding helped me prioritize it. It’s changing my quality of life.

- I started working out more because a) I’m dating athletes and b) I’m trying to look and feel my best and dating is a strong incentivizer, I gotta admit.

- I’ve been exposed to a lot of different lifestyles, and in small and big ways it’s helping me to copy best practices in terms of how to live a good, full, rich, healthy life. I find it helpful to view lifestyles up close and then emulate the parts that appeal to me. Yay for that!

- Healthy boundaries have increased. Codepdency has decreased. Yay yay yay!

I’ve grown so much the last few years and I’m happy about this. In what surprising ways have you gotten healthier?

Hey Reddit, I could use some context for the situation I’m in. My anchor partner is currently seeing someone I don’t “approve” of. Before you bite my head off, this metamours behavior is oftentimes not fair to our hinge, she is unwilling to compromise, will fly off the handle at him at the slightest inconvenience, and then blame him for ruining the night. They fight all the time, and he’s mentioned to me that he feels like he’s walking on eggshells with her and like he can’t bring up issues for fear of her kicking him out (they usually hang out at her place). I’ve seen firsthand her lack of communication, she just shuts down when even the smallest thing upsets her and blames him for it. She’s even hit him before for interrupting her.

I know I’m not the one IN this relationship, but it doesn’t seem healthy at all. And it does still affect me when my partner comes home feeling like a bad person because that’s what she’s been telling him. Despite this he insists that she makes him happy and that the fights are worth it.

Do I as the primary partner have any say at all in his other relationships? Would it be so shitty of me to put my foot down and ask him to remove himself from this damaging relationship? I’ve “asked” with a lowercase “a” before, while they were broken up for a short time, but my request was disregarded. Which makes my wishes feel. Ignored. But maybe I’m just reading too much into it? With past partners there’s always been a level of emotional exclusivity that is not present here. So I recognize that part of me is just feeling upset that that aspect of our relationship is no longer special. But I’m trying to stay as unbiased as possible.

Just kinda curious how other poly people handle being in a new relationship with the NRE chemicals firing on all cylinders.

Do you still go on first dates with others? Or do you wait until the new relationship has "settled" a bit before pursuing other romantic connections? I find that I sort of naturally lose interest in dating new people temporarily, but am curious as to what it would be like to do so.

Any & all perspectives welcome :)

My gf of 3 years has been bisexual most of her life. I knew this when we met but never considered the idea of having an open relationship. Well, recently she asked to go on a girl date and I supported it. Now she wants a girlfriend, but doesn’t want an open relationship because “it’s not fair”. She believes she should be the only party with another relationship because she’s bisexual. So now I’ve found myself in a relationship where my partner is always occupied with her phone with her girlfriend all of the time. It’s not really the best feeling.

Please remove if this isn’t an acceptable vent for this sub, but I just needed to get this off my chest.

I’ve seen SO MANY posts on here recently of couples recently opening up and people entering poly under duress, and the common theme seems to be that they’re all just deciding “yeah let’s try poly!” with zero research, zero therapy, zero self-interrogation, and then they’re shocked and hurt when it doesn’t go as they expected.

I’ve been polyamorous for 8 years. I STILL have to work through my feelings about things in therapy, I STILL read books and listen to podcasts to deepen my understanding of myself and my relationships. Polyamory requires deep self-interrogation, excellent communication (that does not just mean sharing every feeling as you feel it! It means knowing when and how to communicate well), and hard-earned empathy and compersion. It is relationship rocket science. You cannot just jump into it and be successful, especially when you’re doing it with a previously monogamous partner. It will not fix your messed up relationship, it will just highlight all the parts that are broken.

Please do at least SOME research about what polyamory actually is and how it works before “opening up”, or if you haven’t, do that research before asking us how you can fix the huge mess you made of your relationships.

I’m 25 and I’ve known that I’m polyamorous since high school.

I was in a relationship with a guy for more than a year. Let’s call him A. In autumn 2025, a girl moved into the shared house where I live. Let’s call her H.

At first I just wanted to be friends with H, but in January I realized that I had developed romantic feelings for her. Around the same time, some problems had been building up in my relationship with A. I often felt like I wasn’t getting enough attention or interest from him, and H was naturally meeting some of those needs. There were other issues as well, but they aren’t particularly relevant here.

I decided to break up with A, and in February H and I became a couple.

I didn’t completely cut contact with A. We remained friends and spent time together, mostly playing co-op video games. There was nothing romantic or sexual going on between us. We would sit separately, one of us on the bed and the other in a chair, and there were no ambiguous hugs or anything like that.

Then, around June, I started realizing that my feelings for A were coming back.

That was extremely difficult for me and them. For a while the thought just existed somewhere in the back of my mind, until I finally put it into words and had to acknowledge it. Eventually I broke up with H as well.

I felt like I was bouncing back and forth between them. Eventually I realized that I didn’t want to lose either of them.

So now we’re trying to build a V relationship, with me as the hinge.

And honestly, it’s difficult.

I know that I have a lot of responsibility here, and I don’t always know how to handle it. H has also been dealing with a long-term health issue, so right now I’m naturally giving her a bit more attention and flexibility. At the same time, A feels lonely and feels that he isn’t getting enough attention from me.

I invite A to spend time with both of us, but he currently finds it difficult to see H and me together. When the three of us are together, he tends to sit as far away as possible, almost like he’s trying to merge with the wall.

For H, this creates a completely different problem: she feels strange having to suppress normal affection toward me because A is uncomfortable with it. She can’t just hug me or touch me naturally, even though that is how we normally interact.

At the moment we’re experimenting with a 3/1/3/1 schedule: three days focused on one partner, one day for friends/my own life, three days with the other partner, then another day for myself and friends.

I know this is a lot, and I’m not looking for people to tell me that I should simply choose one of them. I’ve already done that, and it didn’t solve the underlying problem.

I’d really like to hear from people who have experience with a similar V dynamic.

How did you handle a partner who was struggling with jealousy or discomfort around the other partner?

How did you make sure neither person felt like the “secondary” partner?

Did scheduled time actually help, or did you eventually find a more natural way of balancing time?

And perhaps most importantly: what mistakes did you make when you were learning how to be a hinge, that you wish you had recognized earlier?

I’m very aware that I’ve made mistakes already. I’m trying to learn from them rather than pretend I haven’t.

I (24NB) am in a polyamorous quad with three partners: Maya (24F), Chloe(24F) , and Jordan(24NB). We’ve been together in this dynamic for about seven months. We were best friends before this and were never apart.

For a while now, Chloe and Jordan have been harboring feelings of jealousy and resentment over the closeness between Maya and me. Maya and I are sexually active, while Chloe and Jordan are asexual. This led us to have some more alone time for exploring our sexual dynamic without making the others uncomfortable.

From the beginning, whenever they felt distant from Maya, they blamed our physical connection instead of addressing their own dynamic with her.

Instead of communicating openly, their resentment grew silently, and talked to me about their problems with Maya. I would usually say "you know, ypu should talk about this to her instead". Chloe even got annoyed with me a while back when I simply went out for a bit to offer Maya some emotional support when she was having a hard day.

Fast forward to right now:

Maya is currently going through a severe mental health crisis. At the exact same time, I am out of town traveling. I naïvely assumed that in a quad where we are all supposed to be there for each other, my other partners would take the initiative to step up, visit her, and offer grounded, in-person support while I’m away.

Instead, nobody has done anything. No one has gone over to check on her.

It feels like the bitter remark "Well, she prefers you anyway" went from a complaint to a convenient excuse for everyone else to completely check out. Where is everyone now when she actually needs help? When you could actually grow closer to her?

Jordan keeps complaining to me about the fact that I'm always close to everyone but Maya has a preferencw for me. I always told them that she is exhausted from meds and barely talks to me too. I just take a lot of initiative about visiting her and stuff because i've been there and depression makes you isolate and asking for help is hard. Then as usual "please bring up this issue directly with Maya. I can only offer some of my perspective but this does not substitute a proper talk with her."

On top of that, I am completely exhausted from being treated like the "secretary" or "project manager" of this polycule. A while ago, I suggested we do a relationship check-in. I couldn't follow up on planning it immediately because I was literally out of town traveling, as I am now, and instead of anyone else taking initiative, I just received messages from Chloe asking me, "So when are you organizing the check-in?" I was literally at the airport. You can set a day too, why do I have to be the one doing it? It's in your interest too. While less aggressively, I explained her I have been busy and she can also take the initiative in suggesting a day for the check in.

I am a partner, not their administrative assistant. Anyone else in this relationship is capable of making a plan or showing up for a partner in need.

I’m sitting here miles away, furious, worried sick about Maya, and trying to figure out if I’m losing my mind. Am I overreacting, or is this dynamic as deeply unfair and immature as it feels? Am I the one being unfair?

I wish I could tell the whole story but I am scared that there is a chance one of my parents finding out it's me but I truly need to talk to someone about this. First I would like to say I found out about my parents poly lifestyle when I was in middle school and I found out in not so great terms (I thought one of my parents was cheating) after I had a conversation about it with the parent I still felt upset by it, at the time I didn't want them to have that kind of relationship but my parent was like "I am gonna do what I am gonna do and you can't control that". And I don't know why it bugs me that this is their lifestyle, my parents say they don't love eachother or me and my siblings less which I never doubted.

Heres the thing I don't frown upon poly people like it's not my business and also how lovely is it to have so much love in your life right, but for some reason it bugs me that my parents have this lifestyle. I don't want to be bothered by it though and I don't know how to get over what ever it is that I am feeling about this. I am an adult now still living with them and I get upset when my parents are always out with their partners like they spend nights with there partners and I am home taking care of my little siblings. Also for a awhile I was the only sibling who knew.

I think my parents think im supportive(?) / ok with it because they are always telling me about their partners or if they are taking to someone new. (My parents date other people separately, to my knowledge if that means anything) like they are more open about it now that I am older. And hearing about it bugs me like I don't know or have met their partners so I don't really want to know about these people that they see separately. One of my parents tried to introduce me to one of them one time because they were like "I want two important people in my life to meet eachother" which I understand but also I wasn't having it, thankfully my parent thought I didn't want to meet their partner because I am shy.

I know this isn't something I can change on their end, I gave up on that early on when I was in middle school, I was semi accepting through some years but now that they are more open about it with me I realize I still have some sort of upsetting thoughts about it. I love my parents and I want to not be bothered by their relationship but for some reason I can't get over this hurdle. I came here hoping to either get other kids of poly relationships insight or maybe poly parents as well. I am just hoping that maybe someone else's wisdom can help me change perspective so that I am not bothered by it anymore.

edit: my apologies for some unclear things, many of you have assumed that they talk to me about their sex lives, they don't. But this situation does make me think about them being with other people and I feel discomfort when I realize that that is potentially what is happening when my parents are gone for the night. Also I was hoping for advice or insight on how to feel comfortable and get over feeling upset by their lifestyle. Again I don't veiw my parents or poly relationships as icky or bad and wrong or un-ethical. I've realized though that some part that might be bugging me is the fact that I do watch my siblings a lot but I don't really pay rent (I am unemployed right now, my parents have asked me to pay rent with my financial aid money on occasion) But I don't think that watching my siblings is the only thing that is upsetting me. I know this must be frustrating to read because maybe I am not explaining my thoughts and feelings well but I hope you know I am frustrated with myself more than anything. I am so confused and upset because I don't know why I am bothered and why I can't just not be.

semi update: I have read every​ comment so far, thank you for everyone's thoughts it has helped in some ways and also not in others. I was going to go into what it's been like trying to establish boundaries with my parents and try to explain that dynamic and also how I have been treated now that I am an adult but I don't have the time to do that this moment as well as a new situation has came up and there is something seriously wrong with me because why am I upset about this when I don't want to be? My parents are having a get together tomorrow where both of their partners as well as some friends are coming over,(first time that their partners were supposed to come over into our house ever) I was already nervous for that but I was probably going to stay in my room. I don't like people coming over to our house because I am shy and not used to that, we like never have anybody over. (some one in the comments asked about if I had anxiety and yeah I get anxiety overall and socially as well. I'm aware that I get nervous when it comes to sharing my feelings because the reactions I get not just from my parents but from other people in the past has made it hard to feel comfortable to talk about my feelings, I tend to just not say anything.)

Anyways I was semi prepared for tomorrow but it turns out today one of my parents and their partner are gonna be in the living room today and when they told me I still felt upset. honestly I thought after reading a bunch of comments and going to bed I thought I'd wake up and not feel this way anymore...I know that probably sounds crazy but I was hoping that was the case. I have mini errands today so my main problem is I don't want to come home and see my parent and their partner in the living room. If I didn't have to leave my room I wouldn't (someone else made a comment about if I am always home which yeah I am the one who is home the most). I know this is so stupid, being avoident, anxious and I feel arrogant, I hate feeling this way.

I feel llike either on my way out or back in I'll see my parents partner and I don't know what is going to happen. Things are moving a bit fast now that my older sibling knows. Their partners aren't apart of my family and it feels weird to think they will all be in my home. Their relationship has nothing to do with me but it's now starting to impact me more deeply. Again I'm just frustrated with myself, you would think I'd be over/used to it after I have known about this for like 7 or 8 years now.

update pt 2: One of my parents partners is here, I walked out of room saw them and quickly retreated (I wasn't comfortable in the outfit I was wearing and to be honest I tend to scurry to my room whenever someone comes over). My parent just knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to meet them and my parent was like "You are leaving for your errands soon so you like kinda need to knowledge them." My little siblings were snooping behind my parent which I am kinda thankful for it gave me a bit of a buffer...as im writing this out I am so disappointed in myself, I sound so childish and ridiculous geez. Anyways I said "I don't have to though" and my parent had a look on their face, I don't know how to describe it but it was definitely giving to me a "are you for real" or "what's wrong with you" kind of look and then my parent said something like think about it / its up to you. I am nervous to leave my room now but I have things I need to do in a timely manner. Geez I haven't felt this emotional in so long I have had to stop myself from crying like 3 times today and I even cried myself to sleep last night. I just feel like I am the only problem.

mini update: many of yall have suggested therapy, I have done therapy before but back then I didn't mention it. I liked therapy and have been wanting to go back because geez this is not my only problem that needs to be unpacked right now lol. For a quick fix my school does free therapy for 6 ish weeks at a time so I signed up for that and hopefully some sessions can help me sort some things out. I for sure want a therapist consistently though. I am beside myself, I cried in the shower, while getting ready and while driving to my errands, genuinely what is wrong with me I don't normally cry. When I left for my errands my parents partner was in the restroom I think or playing with my younger siblings, I'm not sure but I was able to leave. When I came back I was on the phone with a friend and I saw my parent and their partner on the couch, I made eye contact with the partner and just gave probably an awkward and curt smile, I stayed in my room (for a while, I didn't have a chance to eat before my parents partner came over and I was too nervous to go out to the kitchen while they were still in the livingroom.)

I have been seeing my parents being frowned upon in the comments and I just want to say it's my fault that I was too nervous to go out and get myself food, I need to just learn to be comfortable with this situation because theres nothing I can do about it, I want to be ok with it. Eventually my parent came in and said they were leaving and that I was the only one in the house, so I was able to get myself some food. I know this is pathetic and that I am acting cowardly and childish and even though I am aware I don't know how to gather courage and overcome these feelings. But again I signed up for therapy so maybe that can help me. Thank you again for all the comments, it truly has helped me realize some things.

FINAL UPDATE (hopefully): its been a few days since I last updated. My parents had their get together last night and I didn't leave me room. Then today my parents and I had an argument. For the past few days I was given advice from you all but also people in my personal life about how I should try to set boundaries more and find a better way at communicating while trying to navigate thos new dynamic with my parents now that I am an adult. Our argument started over something small but one of my parents tends to snowball and go on long tangents so a lot of things were discussed. We both have this understanding that the way we deal with eachother isn't the best way to go about it . Unfortunately with this parent I feel like we don't end up anywhere new after having these conversations, it still feels like I am the kid so I am in the wrong or am being lectured/scolded.

I even explained that to them and they said they have tried other things and we both understand how it's just hard trying to figure out what's working with us. Anyways we talked about many things, brought up many upset feelings, built up resentment, feelings etc. I tried my best to be mature and composed and just trying to stand up for myself but there were moments where I became emotional and cried. It felt like even though I was explaining how the approach they have with me feels a certain way they still kept that approach during the conversation which was frustrating. I also kept thinking I needed to be honest amd share my thoughts about their relationship but it was too heated and I didn't think it would have been the best time to bring it up because they way my parent was talking to me made me feel uneasy to bring up that. I think my main problem is just my dynamic with them right now, not their relationship. And I'm not trying to say I am always on the rocky side with my parents, most of the time everything is chill however when we do have our moments it's a lot because we have this clash as well as misunderstandings.

My other parent was a bit of a mediator, sometimes defending me or my other parent but they were also a part of the conversation. We went in to many things like I've said but I won't get into much else because this post would be too long. Basically I'll see if anything from this conversation sticks cause I hope so but I still felt unsatisfied afterwards because I don't know if anything will come of it. After that conversation where we were now resolved the parent I was clashing with left the house. My older sibling and my other parent were talking and they brought up the hangout from last night. My parent asked me if I wanted to continue at least being invited/ever want to join in said hangouts. I said that it would depend so obviously they wondered what I meant by that, then my sibling asked if it would depend on who would be there. I am not sure what kind of courage came over me but I decided it was time to be honest about how I felt.

I mentioned how I have been struggling with my parents relationship and being uncomfortable and being upset because I didn't want that to be the case, I talked about how it feels like they are both out of the house and it doesn't feel like we spend enough time as a family and that I don't think I am ready to really meet their partners. I went into everything and I wish I could go into the whole convo and such but it's too late and we talked for a long time. I thought my parent wouldn't understand but they heard me out through the entire thing and thankfully validated literally every single point or thought/feeling I had about what was happening.

The relief I felt finally saying what I wanted to say was so good. My parent apologized and so did I, (them for making me uncomfortable and for me not communicating) We talked more and honestly after a while I felt more open to meeting their partners. I don't think I am quite ready right now but I feel more open to it and at least one of my parents is understanding of that. I don't know when/how I will have this conversation with my other parent, but I will do it. I now realize that I just need to work on my relationship with my parents more. I am still nervous about these partners and such but it's not because of the poly aspect its just cause I am an anxious person. Thank you for all the advice and kind words and support, I truly needed it.

So full transparency here. My partner and I have been on and off for about 2 years now. He’s poly, I’m mono. He’s avoidant, I’m anxious. Basically polar opposites but we realize that we genuinely love and care about each other, so we keep working on us, individually and our relationship.
I’m relatively new to this whole world and so I apologize if I use wrong terminology.
In the past the problem has been his communication with me and his communication with other friends he may be in a relationship with.
He does have a non platonic friend he talks to most nights and at lunch when he’s at work. His “non platonic friend” is also his roommates partner, so they’re all usually on the call together cause she is long distance.
We used to all be on the calls at night together but since have decided to separate the two relationships. Mine and his and his and hers. Just easier for everyone involved at this point.
Things have been going relatively well, because I’ve been trying to work on communicating my feelings better, anxiety, etc.
But there are still things that pop up that make me question or trigger my anxiety and a lot of times I’m confused as to whether I should address an issue or leave it because it’s genuinely not that big of a deal, or my jealousy is flaring up.
So I would love some insight and impartial advice.
First of all, Instagram accounts he follows. I was raised Christian for 30 years, just got out of a 10 year marriage. So I feel like I’m a bit pre conditioned to get triggered when he follows OF models on insta or really any hot girl, whether he knows them or not. 90% of the time there are no interactions with the accounts, just simply following them.
Secondly, when he’s on the call with his “friends” especially if he’s on lunch at work, the texting between us comes to a halt. And I start to panic because I know they are talking.
I know I probably sound crazy and overbearing but I’m desperately trying to work on our relationship and myself because I love him and don’t want to be controlling. If you have any advice or insight, I’m open to it.
Also (side note, I only call his friend, his friend because his roommate, who claims to be poly, will not let my partner and his partner actually date.)

My friend, Rain, and I are both polyamorous but are not dating each other. Another friend, Jean, asked me about Rain's partner because she's interested in flirting with someone. I said he's a cool guy and they are poly, but to check with Rain first.

I heard nothing. Wasn't even sure if Jean was going to reach out to either of them at all.

Apparently Jean had a convo with Rain's partner and it got flirtatious. I didn't know about this.

A day later, Rain texts me super hurt that I didn't give her a heads up that Jean had asked me about her partner. I said I told Jean to reach out to her first but that in my defense, I didn't think this was anything serious. It slipped my mind because there wasn't much to tell.

Rain keeps insisting that I should have known that if a friend was interested in her partner in any way, she needed to know ASAP. I hurt her by not telling her. I personally don't feel that way - if someone was interested in my partner, I don't really need to know anything until it's serious. But we're in a 2 day fight now because of all of this.

I honestly don't even think Jean needed to check with Rain first, but I still advised it just in case.

Rain keeps saying I would have wanted to know about it if roles were reversed. I don't think that's true, I don't really need to know if a friend wants to flirt with my partner. I certainly wouldn't get mad at Rain for forgetting to say something.

I feel like I'm being expected to have feelings around my partner flirting that I do not, and am expected to anticipate Rain's needs based on these feelings that I personally don't have. But maybe it really is normal to feel that way and I'm the weirdo here.

How would ya'll feel in this situation? I legitimately can't tell if I did something wrong here.

Hello everyone. I'm Gina. I'm 30F. I'm married to a trans man. We've been poly for 5yrs.

How do y'all deal with jealousy? Up until this newest relationship, I've felt very minimal jealousy with anyone else. Like, I've been married for 12yrs. Once my husband and I got into ENM, we've felt almost nothing but compersion for eachother, for our partners when they meet someone else, etc.

I met my long time gf not long after becoming polyamorous. We've been together about 4yrs. We will call her "Jill". We're like best friends that just so happen to hook up. We have a lot in common, so we always have a good time in eachother's company. The romance factor just never really developed. When we kiss, it's just like a peck on the lips. I don't get excited to see her. It's just kind of something we do. I've always been looking beyond her and my husband. I craved the butterflies in my stomach feeling. That amazing feeling after a date that went really well. The kind of love where I would catch myself thinking about them several times a day and miss them when we're not together. Ive had some dates and some short-term relationships. Maybe for a couple months at the most.

Well I started talking to this girl back in October. We will call her "Bee". She lives with her ex/autistic son's father. Theyve been separated since before we even became ENM. They have separate bedrooms, split the bills, etc. It works well because someone can always be there with the boy. She had never been in an ENM relationship before, but since her friends found happiness, she decided to give me a chance. That's all it took. From the first time we met, we knew there was something special about one another. Every time I think I can't fall deeper for her, the ground breaks away under me and I fall even deeper. I've never been so crazy over someone as her.

I told Bee about my husband and Jill from the beginning. When she asked what I was looking for, I told her I wanted love. I explained that the feelings never developed for the other girl. So while she does hold the title of GF, I feel like we're more FWB than anything. Bee is very opinionated and doesn't really think it's a relationship. I tried explaining that it's a spectrum, but whatever. She is jealous of Jill.

Well, there were some others Bee had started talking to before we met in person. She's been very transparent about it. I told her my #1 thing was that I didn't want to miss out on time with her. It's already a struggle spending time with her due to her autistic son being needy and the child's father working these crazy rotating shifts. She can't work a full-time job, so she has one part-time job and several gigs such as cleaning businesses & houses, substituting, merchandising, etc. It's not easy, but she's so worth it. I trust her with my whole heart. I really can't imagined my life without her.

One of the other people is an older man whom she's not physically attracted to, and he's fine with it, but she's very attractive. Theres no way he would turn down a chance to sleep with her. That man isn't so much of an issue. I encouraged her to go out and date him because I felt guilty that I was her only and I had two other partners. Well recently I kinda got a knot in my stomach when she mentioned that he had bought her son a little Lego set. She knew immediately my body language and tone kinda changed. I told her I was sorry but I wanted to change the subject. He's really nothing to be jealous of.

The one I'm really struggling with is this man about 3hrs away. We will call him "Nick". Hes also married and ENM. He and his wife had dated a woman together for awhile, but it ended badly and now they date separately. Well, Bee finally met him in person about a month ago. She was in his city because her father was in the hospital down there. She told me he came by to meet her and they kissed. That didn't bother me too bad. She said she doesn't know if anything physical would ever happen between them. He apparently told her there's no pressure, but he's a dom and she is submissive. She said if something did happen it would be because of a scene. I had to have her explain that to me because apparently I don't know as much kink lingo as I thought. Well last week, she had her son with her seeing her dad, and she spent a few hours at his house. The kids were there, so I believe her when she says they didn't sleep together or anything. I guess what bothered me is she said she'd be heading home by like 2PM. I didn't want to seem crazy or controlling, so when I finally got the message that she was heading home about 3:30, it really bothered me.

A couple nights ago, she was supposed to come stay the night with me, but it ended up not happening because her son was having a crash out, she was tired, and she had to get up early in the morning. She still wanted to see me even if briefly. She had to go to Walmart for some things, so she had me meet her there. We walked around a bit, grabbed a couple things, and went back to our cars. We stood between our cars, held each other, kissed, and I couldn't hold it in any longer. I started crying and couldn't stop for a while. The way she comforted me and was so gentle with my heart. Y'all... 🥰

I have counseling scheduled for a week from now to hopefully do something about my feelings of jealousy as well as other issues and trauma. Is there anything y'all do to work through these feelings?

For those that read to the end, thank you so much.❤️ I know I ramble. I have ADHD. 😅

Hi. This has been a tough year. I've posted here before but deleted the previous posts for privacy reasons in case anyone involved recognises the situation.

Background: I (27F) have been dating Jack (30M) for around 4 years. Jack has been dating Anna (30F) for around 10 years, poly the whole time. Before Jack and I met, Jack and Anna were once nesting partners and had previously planned to marry, have kids, etc. This changed when Anna moved away and they became long distance, both pursued other serious relationships, and Anna started living with another partner. However, Jack and Anna were engaged until around 2 years ago.

Around 8 months ago, I was in a really bad spot in our relationship, where I wasn't sure exactly where I stood with Jack. We spent so much time together, basically lived together for a few months while I was between houses, and had talked vaguely about a future where we both wanted children (but we never explicitly said with each other). We had a Big Talk, which I was basically prepared to end in a break up. However, it turned out to be a nice talk, where we finally concretely said that we want to live together and start a family in the future.

Jack then had conversations about this with Anna. As far as I know, they had also been vaguely talking about this throughout the 4 years me and Jack had been together, but this was (I guess?) the first concrete plan to live and have kids with me and not with Anna. Jack told me that this first conversation went well, and that Anna said she had kind of assumed that was the direction things were going anyway.

Jack said he would love it if Anna and I could build a relationship. I understand this - it would be easier for everyone if me and Anna were comfortable around one another, and I wanted Anna to feel welcome in our future potential home - although I did make it clear to Jack that I didn't want a friendship between me and Anna a condition of mine and Jack's relationship. We have met multiple times before, but it has always felt a bit awkward. I'm autistic, and I kind of always feel strange in social situations, and this is especially one where it's hard to know the rules. But while awkward, it had always been fine. So we set up a meeting between the three of us.

The meeting went very badly. Anna had been texting me to set it up, and she seemed excited about it. Anna and Jack went to a bar together and then I joined them. It was immediately frosty. Anna told me several intimate things about hers and Jack's relationship that I didn't want to know. She expressed that she thought I saw her as a threat. She told me that she was heartbroken that Jack wouldn't have children with her as well as me. It was like an interrogation.

I left pretty quickly. I was extremely angry at Jack for not stepping in. He said that he was blind sided by how she behaved and that she seemed ok until I got to the bar. I almost broke up with Jack over this. They both apologised to me.

Since then everything has been so hard. Jack and Anna took a break from their relationship and they're back together now. When they got back together, they were both very keen to have another meeting, kind of as quickly as possible. I think because they thought that if we left it festering for too long then we'd never be able to break the ice again. I was very reluctant at first, but agreed to it. In the time between agreeing to it I did lots of processing and talking with Jack. I almost cancelled because it was making me so anxious that I was having meltdowns.

The first meeting made me feel like a villain, a home-wrecker, like I'd come in uprooted this woman's life. I was spending hours analysing our previous interactions to try and understanding in what way I'd made her feel like I thought she was a threat to me. I had these discussions with Jack and expressed that I wanted to cancel the meeting, around a month before it was scheduled. He said he understood, but that Anna doesn't actually feel like that, those weren't her true feelings, and they were said in the heat of the moment when she was feeling anxious. He also said that it was fine for me to cancel it, but every time he said that he followed it up with like "I don't know when else we'll be able to do it". So I worked through it, and said that the meeting could go ahead.

We had planned things very specifically, so Anna could stay at Jack's house the night before the meeting, and I would stay at Jack's after the meeting so everyone could be cared for. We set the time, and the place, I booked my train. Then, the day before the meeting is due to happen, Jack messages me that Anna has to cancel the meeting due to accidentally double booking herself. Again, I'm autistic, so plans changing like this is very difficult for me. It being THIS plan that changed was so so extremely difficult for me. It was one of my lowest moments. This was around two weeks ago.

And now we've done the talking again, the repairing etc etc. But I'm so tired. I know that me having a relationship with Anna is important to both Anna and Jack, the thought of it is affecting my daily life. It's hard to express 4 years of love and wonderful time together in a single reddit post, but please know that I love Jack so so deeply and he is my best friend, and so caring and kind. I understand that it may not seem like it from this post. But I'm starting to reach my limit. It feels unfair that I have to have this relationship. I've started to feel an amount of dread when Jack and I spend time together, because there is this huge thing looming over me. I don't know how much more I can take.

I guess - what would you do? End the relationship? Express that I can't be made to want a relationship with Anna, and see what happens? I feel like my brain can't process anything any more.

tldr: My partner and my meta want me to have a relationship with my meta. We tried, it was bad. Now they want to try again but the thought of it is causing me a lot of pain.

Hey, this isn't quite heavy enough for the venting tag but maybe I can get some advice. Please feel free to help me talk through this.

CW: chronic illness

My wife and I have been poly for a bit over a year now. I love the freedom to make new connections etc. I am not currently dating anyone else, which is only relevant for this next part. I have a spinal cord injury and my right side is getting weaker. Having sex is still very much fun and very much something I enjoy, but my right arm weakness and right leg weakness/pain mean that it's something that requires more effort and I'm more limited in the things I can do.

I'm kinda worried about dating again because my physical limitations mean that sex with a new person requires a bit more patience and understanding.

That said, I want to date and have the rest of the dating dynamic, like kissing, cuddling, going out, texting, etc. I'm mostly just worried about the actual act of sex not being readily available unless the other person is willing to be understanding and accommodating.

Any suggestions on how to communicate this without coming across as too much/too quickly? I don't want to close the door on sex completely but I want to have a deep enough connection with a partner that they are informed and choosing to move forward without it being a surprise.

Ok so I'm in a new relationship. We've been chatting for a couple of months (every day) but because of life happening, have only met 3 times. Which is fine.

But a pattern I'm seeing is - i suggest a day, or option of days to meet up. Half the time she says she cant or that she'll have to let me know. Which so far has always turned into a no. There have always been valid reasons - kids, illness, busy etc etc. I know she has alot on and also health issues. So thats ok. But she never suggests an alternative day. So im starting to feel like im nagging her. I know she likes me and we both know that due to it being summer and very busy, its harder to plan things, and when September arrives, things should open up. And maybe she is just happy with me taking the initiative. And she is apologetic and concerned about my feelings when she has to say no. But I do worry that I'm nagging her!

I plan to ask her tomorrow if she'd like to meet up in the week. But if she says she cant or 'I'll let you know', should I broach the subject? If so, how?

I'm thinking something along the lines of 'I know you have alot on and so I understand you can't always meet up. But I worry I'm nagging you? You dont generally tell me when you can meet, so I feel I should approach you with possible days, but also dont want to put pressure on you or for you to feel bad if/when you have to say no. Are you ok with me suggesting dates or does it bother you?'.

Thing is, if she doesnt want me to but won't suggest dates, then I worry it will either fizzle out or I will walk away because I'm not getting the sort of relationship I want, I.e. vaguely regular dates!

My ex meta, asked my partner out on a date so they can "rekindle their relationships". Of course my partner accepted because we all know that 5th time is the charm. My partner is obviously convinced they won't get back together. As if I allucinated the last 4 times.

I know it's none of my business but I'm still a bit mad, they've broken up multiple times for multiple incompatibilities in the last few years. It's just emotional taxing because she wants non hierarchical and we nest. She doesn't like me and it's mutual, but she believes true poly is KTP so she always pushes for meetups etc. She wants regular overnights and our house is too small so it's my fault for not being into threesomes with her. Etc etc. It's always SO. MUCH. DRAMA

I hope I can maintain better boundaries this time around. BUT FUCK. Can you all give me a break?

My partner and I dated a close friend for ~1.5 years. The romance started between the two of them; I joined later, and honestly, I felt insecure about my place in it the entire time. It was like I was involved because I was there, not because I truly belonged. I never fully voiced this. We broke up in January after living together didn't work out.

The aftermath has been brutal. My partner fell into a severe depression over losing her (they were incredibly close, even beyond the romance), while our ex eventually cut contact entirely. My partner recently she decided she wants to rebuild the friendship, and they've started talking again. I told her honestly that I think this connection has hurt her (for many reason that don't fit this post), but that it's her call.

I'm really struggling with watching this unfold, I see the same pattern from the relationship playing out again. The grief is about her. The reconciliation is between them. And I'm on the side, again, managing my feelings alone.

I don't really have anyone to talk to; our friend group got tangled up in this whole story. I guess I mostly needed to put this into words. Has anyone else felt like a side character in their own poly relationship? How did you deal with it, especially when the dynamic that made you feel that way keeps coming back?

My husband and I agreed to become poly about 1.5 years ago, from previously ENM, but he only wanted to play together (I didn’t but respected it). Eventually he got feelings and started dating and I did the same .

There were long talks, I thought we were on the same page. He starts feeling uncomfy 1.5 months ago with random things that he didn’t before.

Examples :

1. Can’t have sex without him EXCEPT with my girlfriend

**meaning it’s him, me , + whomever I’m interested in… I refuse to take him up on this

1. One penis policy (I’m homoflexible so idk where that came from

2. No more feelings for anyone else except my girlfriend,

3. **on and on **

I’ve tried to talk through these reasonably but it has become more so that he has put so many rules on it, and whenever I try to approach the “rules” with open curiosity I get told “everyone has their limits and limitations”

He had made out, flirted with, on and on with various girls. I sometimes have primal panic but mine has gone down to null unless it’s a big change and I need reassurance. Parallel Poly would be hard, as we have 3 kids (1 with ASD, and 2 little ones). He also has NONE of the same “rules” and enjoys his freedom in poly .

I need help, suggestions on how to approach this, and hopefully something to show him to show that this is not poly , but just stressing everyone out .

I'm 23, my partner 22. We've been in a year long relationship it'sy first romantic relationship and my first poly relationship. During this year we both didn't find someone serious*. He's finally found someone and logically I'm happy for him but right now I am flooded with pain more than I've ever felt.

This is day 3 after he told me he fell in love with another person. The first day I felt like I was literally going to die. I knew feeling bad was a thing but idk I've always been wierd/different and I thought I would be immune. What I didn't know was the intensity, it hurts so much...

I guess I just want to know if this is normal and what do you do to cope, I struggle drinking I puke often and I can't eat. I've been drinking teaspoon by teaspoon of sugar water and regular water.

Edit: I've already talked about all this with my partner and they have comforted me. I spent day 1 and 2 with him.

Also I one of my bf's friends gave me a prescription stress medication that I used yesterday I was able to eat and drink without puking. So I'm safe but I was told to be careful with the meds

Also I really appreciate the reply's <3

Edit: doc said I'm not in any urgent condition

I just need to get this out....

I was with someone for 7/8 months. He'd been poly for 3 years ENM for 5 years. So lots of experience right? Should have the research done, right?

WRONG

He constantly broke boundaries, cancelled plans, over shared his other relationship leading to me hating my meta. He made me beg for scraps of attention and love. I'm so glad I've opened my eyes to all this.

This was my first real poly relationship and it has taught me what NOT to accept. I am now letting my two partners show me how it feels to actually be loved by two people and not beg.

Note to all, true love doesn't require you to beg, plead or question where you stand.

UPDATE: So after being confronted with everything rather than responding he has blocked me on everything. No apology or acceptance. Just block. Such childish behaviour.

My wife and I have been in a committed relationship for 15 years. We added a new person these past 3 years that we both really connected with. My wife and my girlfriend have had other partners since we opened things up, but those other relationships haven't lasted.

We had a big move across the country to a new state. We have been poor and unemployed for over a year. Anyways, mental health has been bad in our household for 2 years and some change at this point. It seems like one of us is always going through some shit for weeks or months.

Lately it has been my turn. My wife and girlfriend keep going on multiple outings a week just the two of them and I'm strictly told I can't come along. In the morning if I slept with one of them they sneak out of bed to be with the other one. if they sleep with each other that night they don't leave bed to check on me they just hang out and giggle and stuff for an hour ish. They don't really talk in the group DM or to me individually much anymore. my messages just sit for days. they keep up with each other in a private DM almost constantly though. When we ride in the car together if one of them is driving they are always in the front seat together. If I am driving then they always take the back seat with each other. They call each other their wife and kinda just leave me out of it. My girlfriend has recently said she can't imagine romance with me anymore and doesn't want to kiss more than a peck anymore.

They both still tell me they love me, but only when prompted. They say they aren't breaking up with me, but that they just want to get me help. I am admittedly not mentally well. We are going to throuples therapy soon, because my extreme anxiety really gets to them both. Am I getting broken up with or am I just paranoid? They have both lied to me before and there has been a recurring thing of them trying to live without me around. I have some trouble trusting them and I fear it's only made me more suspicious. I love them and I just want to be happy with them, but I feel so invisible, so constantly forgotten, left out. This relationship is all I've invested in in my life. I can't imagine going on without them. Not trying to be dramatic, just laying it out how it is.

I see a lot of people online insisting people switch to the new one. Yeah its been 5 years but the new one still hasnt grown on me. Is there really a good reason to stop using the old one all together? Is there really an issue with letting people use which one they like more?

Hi all, I am not going to go into to much detail until this chat evolves as I am likely to go off tangent,

Long story short my friend has told me he and his wife have taken another man into their marriage, we had a very long talk about it, I was pretty shell shocked but told him he is my friend and if he is happy who am I to judge but made it clear I have no intention of meeting this new man

But as I have had more time to process it I feel very uncomfortable with the situation, I don't actually think he is happy, I think he is accepting it in an effort to do anything he can to keep his marriage to his wife, I think he's been coerced into it and I am worried about his mental health

We are in our forties we have all been in our relationships / marriages for over 15 years, I've known this friend since childhood it just doesn't seem like him

I am going to talk to him but I am worried about losing my friend if I cannot accept his new lifestyle, and I have tried but their is something inside me that aches every time I try to mill it around my head

Then I also feel guilty because maybe I am wrong and he is happy (I don't truly think so but maybe I'm wrong)

I don't really know what I'm asking for here but I felt like I needed to sound some of my thoughts out and maybe get some other opinions on the matter and maybe this would be the best place for it

I’m in a poly relationship with two boyfriends. They are both dating me but not each other. My question is, if I’m having a fight with one boyfriend is it ok to vent my feelings about the situation to my other boyfriend?

It feels kinda gossipy but I vent to my boyfriends about other stuff that bothers me. Is it ok to vent about one relationship to another when you’re dating?

I've been with Samson for just about two months. Currently they are my only partner.

Last month I went on a date with Elmo. That went no where.

Me dating Elmo made Samson insecure. Last weekend they asked me to stop Dating for an undeterminate amount of time. I declined because we agreed to be poly. Being poly for me is about having the option to see multiple people. Wether or not I actually do, does not matter in that regard. So it's important to me that I do have that option. That's more or less also what I told Samson.

I also asked them if they felt like I was neglecting them during that time. They said I didn't.

As far as I can tell, its still going great between Samson and I but I was just wondering how y'all would have handeled that situation?

I'm in my early 30ies and been with a partner since my early 20ies. He's my longest (and only at the moment) relationship. We where non monogamous since the begining and I slowly discovered polyamory along the way. Now we define ourself : he is monoamourus but like to date other persons, and I am polyamourus with a nesting partner (him), it work fine like that for both of us.

During the previous years, I had a few other relationships, that slowly drifted into the "friends with benefit" zone. I guess they where not interested into a romantic relationships with me, but in the same time I fear I did something wrong? Like not making it clear enough that I'm interested in having a romantic relationship with them, poorly organize my life around my relationships? I don't know :(

Before starting to date a new person, I want to adress that with myself and make sure i'm in the clear for new amorous relationship and give it the room to grow... Any advices?

Advice/reflections welcome.

I’m a bit at odds with what to do right now. I apologize for being extremely new to reddit as a whole and relatively unfamiliar with terms and the most respectful way to speak about and address my partners. I don’t have great access to a queer community of adults where I live, and the close friends I do have in those spaces are deeply entrenched in my and my primary partner’s personal and professional lives. I don’t want to negatively impact their professional life while I’m trying to sort out my feelings and how to discuss them.

For broader context, I have my primary partner who I’ve been with for roughly 5 years, and we’ve been in a triad for the last 9-10 months. Throughout those 5 years with my primary, we’ve explored different open relationship dynamics, but this is the first time we’ve both had a serious romantic and sexual connection with the same partner. I live with my primary, and our relationship with our other partner is largely long distance.

I initiated the relationship with my LDR partner, and they ended up getting along really well with my nesting partner, so it very naturally molded into a triad. Both of them struggle with severe depression and anxiety, and while I’ve got my own flair of neurodivergence, I’d categorize it as mostly ADHD with a side of depression. Coming out of the winter and into spring, they both experienced major depressive episodes and I functioned as the primary emotional support for my nesting partner, and shared the role of emotional support for our LDR.

This period of time caused a lot of strain on my relationship with my primary, but they were going through one of the worst times of their life (finishing grad school), and so I was willing to take over much of the emotional and household labor to give them the support they needed to just get out of bed each morning and find the strength to continue with their program. I made it very clear in discussions that I didn’t expect them to dedicate the time and energy into being a good partner to me while they were still wrapping up school, but we would need to come together as a team post-grad to plan out our next steps and put some really meaningful time into each other and our daily life together.

I clarified to my LDR partner that I wouldn’t be as regularly available for them emotionally and physically while I concentrated on a larger share of the chores and cooking, and this arrangement was fine with them. They were a blessing in virtual body doubling/coworking with my primary, and I still did my best to make sure that the two of us got some quality one on one time each week.

I didn’t expect miraculous, overnight improvement in my primary relationship post-graduation, but there were more than a few incidents that I feel set us back even further, and there were very few bright spots that felt like progress over this summer.

Our LDR partner came to visit recently and a bit unexpectedly (the visit wasn’t a surprise, it just wasn’t planned weeks in advance like they usually are), and honestly it was a train wreck.

Both of my partners struggle with substances in their own ways, and my primary has been working on building a healthier relationship with alcohol and honestly it’s one of the main reasons our relationship has had a lot of bright spots the last year despite the depressive episode and recent roughness.

Our LDR partner got really intoxicated at a public event with a lot of my closest coworkers present despite my strict warning to both partners to please be on their best behavior because it was an event my coworker invited them to, and it was my LDR’s first time meeting them. Our LDR partner got embarrassingly drunk, refused to be cut off without making a scene (I get a lot of anxiety putting my foot down in situations not directly involving my or someone else’s personal safety), had a couple muddy wipeouts (it was outdoors on a rainy day), and went MIA on an “adventure” for over an hour. They left their phone with us before disappearing, and we spent that hour worried they were passed out in a toilet somewhere, or had been scooped up by medical staff (worries exacerbated by this partner ODing at a festival a month or so prior in their hometown). When we finally located them, they were oblivious to our worries, and negatively responsive to us trying to express why we were concerned for their safety, and basically said “it’s totally fine to wander around, I don’t get why you’d even think to be worried.”

I just haven’t been able to get over this incident. My coworkers actually had a decent impression of them, and I’m just glad their antics didn’t affect my friendship with my coworkers. Everybody ended up safe, and we eventually had a vulnerable and honest talk about why we were worried about them. By all accounts, things worked out, but I’ve felt so disassociated in this partnership ever since.

I’ve tried to sort out why this was such a horrible turning point for me, and I think it comes down to this:

1. I’ve recently been under a lot of emotional strain and doing a lot of emotional heavy lifting in both partnerships

2. A major strain on my primary relationship throughout the last 5 years has involved substances and using substances as an excuse to accidentally cross or push my boundaries

3. Currently, I do not have the capacity to deal with another person who cannot have a healthy relationship with substances

4. I especially cannot do it with someone who is going to completely shut down emotionally when I express that their actions worried me (let alone that their actions also bulldozed over my one plea for the day)

I think, in that moment, I just saw all the worst parts and red flags in my primary partnership threatening to repeat themselves in this one, and I realized I just couldn’t do it.

It’s been a few weeks since that visit and I’ve basically been nonexistent in my LDR partnership, and I’ve been really detached from my primary as well. I visited my hometown and then have been working nonstop since I got back, and I’ve used that as my excuse for being MIA. My hometown visit was a disaster and I came back from it wondering if I just want to be single entirely.

My primary partner and I are so deeply entangled, however, that leaving them and our life together would be extremely difficult and soul crushing. And there’s so many beautiful things about our relationship that I feel are worth staying and putting the work in together as a team. There’s just a lot right now that’s really draining me. Maybe if it was easier to leave, I would have left. I don’t know.

I’m tired, and I just don’t have the energy to put into two relationships right now. I was hoping that maybe I was just in a weird funk, and if I gave it some time, I’d feel the rush of emotions and spark again with my LDR partner, but it’s been a month and I just feel more firmly that I want to break up.

I don’t understand what happened to my feelings, it genuinely feels like a part of me just snapped and I have no idea where those emotions went. I can’t access them no matter how much I repeat to myself that I love them and I care about them so much. But all the things that I love about them feel like they existed in a completely different version of me. My laughs feel heavy in my chest when they make a joke, and I am so scared and confused that I went from feeling so in love with this person to wanting this to be over.

I think this is going to devastate them. I don’t think they’ve had a truly healthy relationship where they felt loved and valued and safe, and I’m worried they will never be vulnerable enough with another person to open themselves up to having that experience once I’m gone. I also realize that I’m just going to turn into an unhealthy relationship if I continue to be avoidant and not honest about my feelings.

I HAVE NEVER HAD TO BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE BEFORE AND IT SHOWS. I’ve either been dumped in a serious relationship, or never been emotionally attached/invested to a degree that constitutes an actual breakup with heartbreak level stakes.

So the easy part is knowing that I want my LDR partnership to end. Right now, the place I’m in, and knowing the emotional energy I have to give, I’m just not a good partner to them, and I cannot love them the way they deserve and the way they want from me.

BUT I’M LITERALLY IN A TRIAD.

Before I have a full discussion with either of my partners, I need to sort out what level of a breakup this is. Where’s my line? What are my boundaries? Can my primary still have a relationship with them? It might not matter because they might dump my primary if I’m not also involved. Would I be okay if they stayed together? Am I breaking up with everyone? What will my daughter (she is literally a cat with no personal stake in the matter) think of me???

I have a lot of questions I want to sort through and have some rough idea of what my feelings are before I bring it up to anyone. I know they’re discussions and feelings will come out naturally if I have a conversation about it, but I want to be able to express my feelings clearly, and also not cause unnecessary harm to people I care about. If anyone has any perspective they want to share, or has more suggestions for me to consider, please share them. I’m not sure how much I’ll respond because I’m in the emotional trenches and physically in a heatwave right now, but know that your words will be appreciated.

Please, God, make me a spoiled housecat with no worldly obligations in my next life. I wish to eat fresh baked salmon out of a raised bowl and nap in the sun and not think about complex interpersonal queer relationships that directly impact my life.

To the vermin horde that swarm at my feet,

Here, have a joke:

Two rats walk into a bar.
The first rat says to the second rat, "I wonder what they have on tap today?"
The second rat replies, "Holy shit we can talk?!"

Kind of head empty no thoughts this morning to be honest. I mean, I wasn't going to do anything crazy like miss getting a thread up (I have standards), but just not much on my mind to write about this week.

I hope everyone has been doing well! I've had a good but socially busy week, so I'm looking forward to just hanging out with ya'll and getting my vibe on today. Today I'm chill Rat Leader mode, which just means that I have some sunglasses on and a large hoodie and probably like a way-too-early beer in my hand or something. Sitting cross legged on my cuck chair throne. Shrugging a lot and being like, "Whatever, it's all gucci," and shit.

You know how we do: it's the subreddit's weekly shitpost vibe thread, so just like, talk about being poly or whatever. Chop it up with the ratty homies. Ask each other some questions. Crack a joke or two. Fuggin' just, like, crawl out of your antisocial holes that society has trained you on with algorithms and shit and have some damn human connection. I'm not asking a lot of you here, and I do know what's best for you.

-------------------------------------

Rat Union Question(s) of the Week:

• Let's talk terms of affection/pet names: Are there any that you keep only for certain partners? Are there generic ones you use for multiple partners? Are there any that you wish a partner or future partner used for you?

• Less of a question and more of a game: Comment your favorite drink (alcoholic, non-alcoholic, whatever you vibin' on) and let your fellow ratties try to make assumptions about you based off it. Ratties, what does that drink say about them? Do any of the characteristics you associate with the drink match your view of the commenter?

• And, as always, you may treat these as my personal office hours if you have any questions for your fearless leader directly. ❤️

-------------------------------------

Somehow cuter and cooler every week,

PM_CGR

I've leaned poly in theory for many years, but had only been in a poly dynamic (where either I or my partner had another partner) a few sort of short-lives times, or where they were LDR so it didn't really require a lot of effort to balance. I don't necessarily feel like I need more than one partner, and in fact I have found it too overwhelming the few times I have tried to, but I like feeling free to allow love to manifest naturally rather than feel confined by the attitude of monogamy.

For the last several months, I've been dating one person and they have another partner that they had started dating maybe a few months before me. At first it felt pretty balanced and welcoming and loving, and sometimes I even would almost forget they have another partner. I think part of me didn't expect a lot when we starting seeing each other tbh, but I was curious and up for having a fun time and seeing what happens. Then I was pleasantly surprised that it was starting to feel like it could really be something.

I get along fine with my meta, though we aren't super close. It's chill, but I do still often find it hard to not feel like we're kind of in each other's way in terms of being able to see the relationship grow over time if we both want a deeply entwined relationship with the same person, and even in the present, sometimes it makes me feel like I may be competing for their time or hesitant to ask for too much like I need to give them space. I think it's in reality all coming from me though, as my partner reliably makes time for us both and expresses how much they want to see me all the time. But it's true that I don't always get what I want, and sometimes I feel sort of secondary in a way, even though I know they don't see me that way and don't intend that.

As the relationship goes on, I find myself often wanting more -- more time, more shared experiences and activities, more ability to have clarity around the possibility of a shared future -- or wanting another partner, or wondering if maybe I don't actually want to be in a poly relationahip, as it's hard not to feel like my partner is torn between us as well as all the things in their life they are busy with (which is awesome, I like that they are so active).

But then again, I used to enjoy that I just saw them sometimes and had a lot of freedom still to be my own person, and there are a lot of good reasons that more entwinement might not actually be good for our relationship aside from their capacity (compatibility wise).

It's hard for me to tell if I actually want more time and closeness with this person, or if I am just falling into the escalator trap and associating partnership with expectations from previous relationships and culture, or if maybe I do want that kind of relationship but maybe with someone else (and in that case, can I still maintain this current relationship? I don't honestly know if I feel confident in my ability to manage more than one partner well tbh! so hard! maybe possible if our dynamic lessens in intensity/frequency)

I think for this amd other reasons, it's sadly begun to manifest as resentment and conflict that seems to be mainly around how we spend time together, and we're trying to figure out what we want to do, whether we just have some issues to figure out, or if we need to de-escalate or fully break up for a while.

My nesting partner Aspen has been seeing someone who was already a friend of ours, Birch, for about 5 months. They have some intense NRE but I’ve been happy to see them happy. They’ve both decided to keep it “casual” and not label it as a relationship yet, but they’re clearly (I would say both of them) very smitten. They do however, have this thing where when they spend overnights together they will stay up nearly all night having sex and talking and barely sleep.

That’s their prerogative and for the most part I consider it not my business. I’ve bought up concern about it before though only when they missed work due to lack of sleep and put their job at risk, and when they were short tempered with me due to tiredness.

Part of me doesn’t feel great about how differently they seem to value sleep in that relationship vs. with me. For instance if they don’t get an absolutely solid nights sleep they’ll often decline to sleep in the same bed as me the next night or for multiple nights in a row until they rest well (we do have seperate rooms and don’t always sleep together). They’ll also decline sex or other plans after 10pm because “it’s too late”. But I know the dynamics and practicalities of a long term relationship living together vs. a new, occasional and casual thing are different.

Today slipped into hurt feelings and anger for me though and I’d like to know if others think I’m justified or overstepping.

They just had a weekend away together in the countryside, and this morning I messaged Aspen asking them to let me know when they had a home arrival ETA and if they’d want dinner. They replied 5 hours later saying they were 10 minutes away from home but had had no sleep, so would probably go nap with Birch in their room when they got home and probably won’t want dinner.

This upset me because Birch was driving 2 hours on winding country roads with no sleep and I consider that inherently dangerous and irresponsible. When Aspen sent me that message I was instantly worried for their safety and upset that they’d make such a choice. They then weren’t back in 10 minutes, and the longer it went on the more anxiety that they had crashed in a ditch started to take over. They both finally came through the door 40 minutes after their “10 min” message looking absolutely knackered.

I want to talk to my partner about the anxiety it made me feel and if they think Birch and them may be enabling each other in self-destructive behaviour. Part of me is also mad. We’re all in our fucking 30s and this is now dozens of times of them fucking themselves over because neither of them can say it’s time to go to bed

EDIT: the shortness with me and missing work have been well and truly discussed, apologised for and resolved, and the co-sleeping is not a concern. I merely brought it up as context that this is not the first time their inability to make a responsible choice about sleep with Birch has caused an issue, and that they’re fully capable of making very rational choices about sleep with me. The issue at hand is very much the driving without sleep being an escalation in irresponsibility that I’m not okay with

Hi chat. I’ve spent a week almost bed bound by now and I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel atm so I really want to read some sobering comments I guess.

Me (30F) and my husband (30M) are married for almost 12 years. We’ve been monogamous for the most part, and poly for the last couple of years. This is not about my relationship with him, although I do realize now that there is a lot of work that should’ve been done in our relationship prior or even instead of opening up. But we will deal with that.

I have been dating another man (37) for almost a year. We met through local kink community of which he is a well known and respected member, influencer even. It started with him saying he “probably doesn’t have capacity for a relationship” and I should’ve listened. But things progressed very quickly, we arranged a “play date” but essentially started dating after that.

I felt intense connection. Things were shaky and unclear at first, as he was just out of a monogam-ish relationship. Well, that’s what he told. Over the course of our first months dating the status of his ex kept fluctuating between “my ex” and “my partner” multiple times. She was staying over during winter holidays, and was at the New Year’s party at his place where I was also invited. He asked me what I would need for comfort in that situation but never really made any effort to bring any comfort. When I arrived I just felt like I’m a guest in their place, and I left early.

Then they fully broke up, and even tho he started seeing someone else, our relationship really progressed and we bonded a lot. He said he loves me. We had a lot of plans for the future. He sounded incredibly confident when he was saying how this relationship is so secure that we can plan for things 2,6,12 months ahead and it feels perfectly reasonable. He introduced me to his parents when we flew to his hometown. I was plus one at every important friend or family event. There were weeks when we’d mostly live together. I was letting my guards down more and more, and eventually I really believed that this relationship is here to stay, and despite him being messy with relationships sometimes I truly believed in best in him and that because we always communicate we will always figure things out.

Then by the end of May I started feeling some weird distance. We saw each other just as often and spend a lot of cosy time together, but connection just didn’t feel the same. I asked him about it and he reassured me that he loves me and was just having a hard time generally, but it has nothing to do with the relationship. We had a call right away, and it ended up being a 5 hour call where he mentioned how this relationship has a glass ceiling, there is no road map, he might need a nesting partner. It was a bit all over the place. I started entertaining the idea of us becoming nesting partners and asked if we can even talk about that possibility, just have an honest talk about what it would be like. He said he’d never want to be involved in breaking my marriage, then becoming my primary by default and this expectation ruining our relationship, that he had situations like this in the past and it will all end in tears and disaster. There was validity to that that I understood.

But later he seemed to be more and more freaked out by the fact that I even mentioned it. He said I “uprooted” the whole foundation of our relationship, that I might me be not up to the type of polyamory he needs, that living together was never on the cards in this relationship and now that I uttered I might want it he can’t trust me anymore (I know.). He eventually apologized for such intense reaction, we talked more, we both said how reassured we feel and that we will keep talking about things. During all these talks, he told me multiple times he always sees me in his future, that I’m in the picture almost by default now. We spent a few calm weeks.

Then one day, three days before an important event he invited me to that involved flying, and we both had tickets, he texted me he thinks he should go alone, cause he doesn’t want this event to be tethered to the most challenging part of the relationship, that everything is so shaky and he “lost trust in so many ways”, apparently again talking about how I even mentioned the idea of us becoming primary. Given the ridiculous timing i obviously tell how unfair and awful this js. He then again apologized, reassured me saying he loves me and just freaked out, he is sorry and we should go together.

So we went. It was fine, but i could sense the tension. I was traveling for a week after, and when we said goodbyes he just asked what day he’ll see me again and we shared the usual tenderness.

The day I got back and saw him, 10 minutes into casual talk about how my trip was, he just looks at me and says “I don’t want to proceed with polyamory and this relationship”. Two weeks after almost blaming me for not being good at polyamory enough. He says he realized he doesn’t have time for multiple relationships (he was not seeing anyone else at this moment, but felt our relationship is preventing him to do so now). And that he will thrive in an exclusive nesting partnership. But not with me, even tho he loves me so much and those weeks we’ve been living together were amazing. But in our relationship it was “never on the table”.

During that talk, I felt like my arms were sore from reaching towards him, trying to make things work, understanding what has changed. But it felt like he was just building a case against this relationship in his head for months, all while telling me how I am always in his future and keeping making plans. He was now saying how this relationship has no future and there is no way for this to ever work.

I was deeply, deeply in love with that person and allowed myself to trust him so much, especially over the last couple of month where, despite all the challenges, he kept telling me that there is a future is is certain about. I feel so broken and lonely and in excruciating pain 24/7 now that I have to carry all this hurt and broken promises and longing alone. I just don’t know how to recover. I also feel immense guilt towards my husband, who just stayed with me through all of that and all my conflicting feelings about whom should I live with. I feel like I am a stupid 15yo that was tricked and discarded. I’m scared the pain will never end, I miss him beyond any words.

I am sorry for this long ass essay, but I am so lost and broken atm I would really appreciate some outside perspective.

Context: My nesting partner (30M) and I (24F) have been together and living together for 3 years. He is the first person I’ve ever dated up until 6 months ago when we became poly. It was actually his idea.

The polyamory is going great for both of us! But these days I find myself wanting more independence (maybe living by myself) and questioning whether my primary partner is even someone I want to commit myself to for the rest of my life. As I meet more people in intimate and romantic settings, my standards and desires are changing.

On one hand, it’s the polyamory’s fault, but on the other, it’s the fault of my own self growth. This self growth might not have happened for years— or ever, if we had never became poly. I can’t tell if I’m in the wrong for having new standards for romantic partners, and only discovering those AFTER we became poly.

I can’t tell if I just want reassurance, or what? Because I feel like an asshole. :/

I sometimes wonder if I lean into poly and things like the relationship smorgasbord as a way to justify holding onto relationships that aren't entirely fulfilling or good fit that someone who is monogamous would simply move on from if it doesn't look like marriage potential. I can't decide if this is a bad thing, but I often notice this in myself.

Like, if it's not entirely 'working' with a partner, or someone I'm dating feels like kind of 'partial match' in terms of what I'd like in a partner, I'm likely to try to find a way to still make it work, feeling open to trying to still find a configuration that still involves intimacy while hoping I'll still maybe find another partner as well. I think it's both optimistic and loving in an idealistic way, like, 'let's figure out how to love each other in a way that feels right for us,' but then I wonder of I'm just being foolish and using these ideals as a way to avoid letting go or admitting 'what I really want,' which is more of a mononormative narrative.

Thoughts on this?

Where is the line between healthy poly and holding onto something you ought not, or in other words, when is it a healthy poly relationship and when does it dip towards problematic situationship?

Hi there!

Girlfriend (27TF) and I(26F) are having an issue, and I want to get a sanity check from more experienced individuals about an issue we’re having.

So we have a sex toy we bought together, at my wanting one. A sheath type with a small hole in the tip. The agreement when we bought it was that it would be just for us as I don’t like sharing toys with others.

The problem is, girlfriend likes it more than she thought she would, as it’s the first thing that’s made her feel comfortable/good about her genitals, and wants to use it with other people as she forgot about the original agreement until now (luckily hasn’t come up as an issue between then and now)

The issue with that being, that I’m not comfortable sharing toys like that. And she also can’t use a condom with it, so can’t stick by that agreement to use them that we have either (very willingly have, I want to add, since I know that’s a point of contention on the sub sometimes), even if I magically was okay with sharing.

The toy (and currently business as a whole) is also on hiatus from selling right now so she can’t just get another, and wanted to buy me out of my half. But I don’t want to be bought out of it, as I also have an emotional attachment to this toy, it’s my favourite of ours to use and feels really good, and would honestly hurt to lose.

I’ve told her that if she does use it with someone else if she bought me out, then I’d be uncomfortable ever using it again, especially knowing she made the choice to do so over being able to share the toy with me (since it’s come to this situation), and honestly she has many more chances to use it with me vs others (that she might get like, one or two chances to use it ever, as said by her)

I know it’s not her intention, but I feel like I’m being pushed into giving up and losing this thing I enjoy sharing with her so she can share it with others, or risk being a bitch or inconsiderate for saying no..

My risk profile is much, MUCH lower than hers for sexual interactions and I don’t know if I’m being stupid or not for not wanting to just share a toy and I feel so terrible about the whole thing and just so tired and I honestly just want to cry constantly.

Editing to add:
I just wanted to say thank you all for so much support, I honestly didn’t expect this number of replies so fast, and I genuinely appreciate you all and your opinions, views and perspectives! 💜

Update:
So yeahhhhh, I did a lot of thinking and contemplating, heard my girlfriend out again to see if that changed anything for me, and then told her I wasn’t comfortable sharing the toy. This resulted in an argument as she didn’t accept that I didn’t want to change the agreement and now she just doesn’t want anything to do with the toy at all now. So I guess I don’t have to share it.. yay… /very sad

Seems to have damaged the relationship in this whole mess though. Next time I might just grit my teeth and accept it…

Thanks to everyone for their help and support 💜

In preparing for my mother in laws passing (she is on hospice) we have ran into a big of a dilemma. There's not really a guide book or etiquette for obituaries and polyamory outside of the occasional post about the death of a partner.

Our situation is more niche. My mother in law has been incredibly supportive and inclusive of our chosen family. She has specifically requested our partners and their children be included in her survived by section. The kids are easy as she just wants them listed as grandsons. However the partners is more complicated. We are a quad, most easily explained as a wife swap situation. (Though it started as my husband and his girlfriend, I just happened to fall for her husband.)

That being said we arent quite sure how to list it. My current best idea is : Mother in Law is survived by her children : My Husband (Me, His Girlfriend, Her Husband).

Probably would just use first names? John Smith (May, June, and Sam).

Though that feels off because obviously we don't have the same last names, and my partner and my husband arent in a relationship. However she wants us all listed. Any additional ideas or advice at all im navigating this?

Hello everyone, first if all sorry if my english is not the best, bc I'm from europe. I (m21) entered a poly relationship about 6 month ago. She (f22) has always been poly and is also married with her other partner. It's my first poly relationship. I never had a problem with my gf's husband regarding jealousy or anything. We get along good. They also live together and most of the time I'm at hers and he sometimes also chills with us or gives me a ride to the train station when I'm leaving.

The thing I realized that I have some weird kind of jealousy when it's about hookups. She has a lot of dates and also hookups which is absolutely fine with me.

As I said I never felt any form of jealousy towards her husband but somehow I have a really weird feeling when it comes to hookups. I don't even know why, our sex life is great and she always said and I also believe it's just sex. But at the same time I always have some weird unexplainable jealousy when she tells me she had a hookup. I know and I can explain why it shouldn't bother me but somehow the feeling is still there. Talking about it with her is hard bc as I said she always has been poly and somehow doesn't feel jealousy the way I do.

I just wondered if anyone has any advice on how to deal with that?

Because as I said, this jealousy isn't rational and is not coming from insecurity or smth but somehow it still hurts me.

So please if you have been in that situation or have any advice you can give me, tell me.

Btw: open, non-hierarchical poly

I couldn’t seem to find any similar situation on the reddit so I’m hoping some people that’re more experienced with poly can give me some advice.

I’m new to poly and before, I was only in mono relationships. I was always curious about it.

I started officially dating my current partner (NB24) about a month ago but we were seeing since March. They told me I was the only person they were seeing until I found out that they had a partner (NB25). They didn’t tell me they had a partner when we starting seeing each other (they only called them a “friend”) but they told their other partner they were seeing me since the beginning. After a few conversations, we started officially dating because they wanted to be with both me and their currently existing partner.

My partner’s partner recently moved away from where my partner lives. My partner is saturated with me and their other partner.

My partner recently told me they would be extremely uncomfortable if I dated or had sex with other people and that they felt secure knowing that I’m currently not seeing anyone else. They told me that this was all normal with polyamorous relationships. I’m beginning to have my doubts.

How actually normal is all of this? Should I get used to this or is this actually a bad situation? Thank you.

Y’all I am so confused about what just happened. So I am dating Pineapple who lives with Lemon. They are newly poly. In the year or so I’ve dated Pineapple, Lemon has been hot and cold towards getting to know me, but mostly cold tbh. We met once for a few minutes but there were also a time she wouldn’t shift plans she invited me to so I could actually attend, and another time our hinge tried to plan a group thing but she told him she wasn’t interested. Ok fine, I’m cool with parallel, we don’t need to be besties. We had no contact for like, 4-5 months?

Out of the blue this weekend, Pineapple is like “Can I show you a photo of me that Lemon took? But I have to warn you, it’s spicy.” I’m like what do you mean spicy? I’m thinking like, an artistic nude? He tells me it’s from a roleplay him and Lemon did as a kink thing where he was naked except for bondage gear. Now I am kinky too and pretty open, but I was not comfortable seeing an intimate moment between them given Lemon is barely more than a stranger to me. He told me it was her suggestion that he show me and he also was proud of hoe the photo came out.

I told him no, that’s not appropriate to the relationship I (don’t) have with Lemon. That’s private between them. I only share images like that with people I trust.

The whole thing really felt off to me. Pineapple and I have escalated our connection recently, including our kink dynamic (eg we just set plans to go to the dungeon together for the first time). The timing is making me worry this was some sort of power play by Lemon? But am I overthinking it, could it be well meaning but just awkward??

(TL;DR at the bottom)

Me (39f) and my partner (49m) have been together in a long distance relationship across two countries since 8 years, around 7 of that non-monogamous in various expressions, poly since 3 years. He’s more than a comet to me since we opened up together and have been emotionally committed all these years.

I currently have what I consider two metas. My partner’s 17yo daughter (imo it’s so similar to a meta!!) and his girlfriend of 10 months who lives in the same city as him and who is monogamous.

Now both of my metas are very demanding on my partner’s time and emotional capacity:

The daughter because, well it’s a kid, but he’s also very involved, single dad since a few years (when we started dating, she was with her mom half of the time), and for my liking he’s babysitting her a bit much (like calls to help her get out of bed, driving her everywhere etc). He doesn’t like it but feels he has to (partially because the court is observing him because he asked for full custody, but the kid is struggling from previous abuse by the mom and not very helpful in making things easy on him).

The girlfriend because she “wants to try polyamory” and to accept his setup (which he made clear and non-negotiable instantly). She is reading up - but in small portions because she finds it upsetting and gets anxious and panicky whenever he flies to see me for a few days. It’s causing him a lot of stress, which has an effect on our relationship - emotionally, mentally and cutting our already limited time even shorter (recently she called him before bed and “a minute” turned into a panic attack on her side and a fight between them that took 3 hours).

Now this situation doesn’t really work for me and I set some boundaries. Part of that has been reducing my exposure to the setup and how often my partner and I see each other. It used to be every 3-5 weeks, which for long distance (and me having flight anxiety) was frankly too much anyway. Now it’s around every 6-8 weeks. So yes, ultimately the fact that he has another relationship in his city relieves a bit of pressure and helps me keep capacity to build hobbies and relationships in my city, which is important to me. So there are generally some upsides to polyamory for us over the inevitable distance.

I’m really unsure of the next steps with this relationship and would love some advice. I don’t think I am ready yet to give up on such a long-standing relationship that has plenty of good sides.

Concretely I am wondering for how long it’s reasonable to be empathic. I’m aware that getting to know somebody who’s poly is a first step for many, especially in countries where there might not be a lot of exposure to polyamory otherwise. So part of me is and wants to be empathetic and patient to give them the chance to make this work. But also I’m tired of this (and his kid situation) affecting every moment of time we spend together.

(Additional context: three years ago I did date someone who was (because of me) new to poly but when it became clear he was stuck in mono patterns, I ended it quickly. I think that’s why I try to be more understanding.)

TL;DR:

- Together 8 years long-distance, poly for 3 years.
- Partner (49m) has two “metas” eating his time/emotional capacity — his 17yo daughter (single dad, court-monitored custody situation, she needs a lot of hands-on support) and a 10-month girlfriend who’s trying to accept polyamory but gets anxious/panicky about it, leading to hours-long fights whenever he visits me.
- I’ve already scaled back our visits (every 6-8 weeks now) to protect my own bandwidth, and there are real upsides to him having a partner in his city given the distance.
- But I’m exhausted by how much both situations bleed into our limited time together, and I don’t know how much longer to stay patient/empathetic while he works through it versus deciding this doesn’t work for me.

So many love songs are possesive, about competing for attention and love, jealousy, not wanting to see them with others, and wanting their intellect and body only for yourself. I cringe at that. Started to remove songs from my playlist because of that.

Many lovesongs are ambigous about others or are straight up about self love which is very fitting like

I however look for songs that are explicitly poly or enm friendly. Something like or

Got any recommendations? How are you feeling about this - just gloss over a few problematic verses? Or completely throw it out?

I somewhat recently went through a very messy breakup involving alloromantic relationship anarchists, that I'm still trying to make sense of. I'm kinda hoping that someone here can offer insight, hopefully in good faith

So, I'm aromantic

Aromantic (adj) - someone who feels little to no romantic attraction

Alloromantic (adj) - somebody who is not on the aromantic spectrum (a.k.a. most people)

I do form committed partnered relationships, even though I don't feel any romantic attraction and don't bring a particularly romantic vibe to the table. I do this for a variety of reasons (desires for companionship, commitment, domesticity, etc), but I also do it because I want to be prioritized

It is a fairly common aro experience to find a friend, love them a lot in your own way, treat them like a priority, and then get pushed aside when they find a partner/fall in love with someone else. For a lot of aros, their friends disappear completely, and it's deeply painful. That fortunately hasn't happened to me, but I have had the experience of my best friend subtly slipping away from me. You're in the #1 spot, and then they develop a romantic connection to someone else, and you can just feel yourself silently slide into the #2 spot. And #2 is still very high, but it hurts nonetheless. You feel a lot of sadness and self-hatred against your own aromanticism. You feel like you were just a pseudo placeholder partner while they waited to find their real partner

And, for what it's worth, I don't resent the friends who did this to me. They had never promised me that I would always remain the priority. One friendship that I'm thinking of in particular was a university roommate relationship, and so there was kind of an implicit understanding that our dynamic existed in a temporary context

No, I don't blame or resent them. But it made me realize that I wanted a relationship like that, where that desire to be prioritized isn't unspoken. Where I actually go out and consciously commit to someone, and where we mutually and verbally agree to prioritize each other

I often think of that Maya Angelou quote -- “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option." To me, finding a partner means finding someone and saying, "Hey, I want to make you a priority. Do you promise not to make me an option?"

My ex and I started mono, but then mutually had interest in nonmonogamy. She was interested in making out with various women as a woman (she'd never gotten the chance to do so before, as a trans woman). I was interested in exploring new sexual experiences

I made it very clear, several times, that I was consenting to ENM, but not polyamory

And part of that is because I wanted prescriptive hierarchy. I wanted my ex and I to be each other's only girlfriends. I wasn't going to offer partner status to anyone else, and I didn't want her to either. I wanted that element of our relationship to remain exclusive, even if the kissing/sexual elements weren't. (I think this is prescriptive hierarchy, let me know if I'm using that term wrong). I didn't want anyone to ever say to me "well in poly, XYZ thing that you want in your relationship is problematic"

But my ex went and started getting involved with an RA poly woman, and that's pretty much exactly what happened. She said that it's toxic to want prescriptive hierarchy. My ex communicated that she only had a casual relationship to offer and made it clear that they wouldn't be girlfriends, but this other woman was frequently pushing on those boundaries, coming on really strong onto my ex, and pushing for them to have a more girlfriend-like relationship. And my ex was in the throes of NRE and being a terrible hinge, and doing a godawful job of holding boundaries and protecting our relationship. And I kinda got painted as this toxic controlling harpy for having a problem with all that

Now, here is one area where some confusion may have arisen, which is the fact that I said I was okay with my partner catching romantic feelings for other people

So, as I said, I'm aromantic. I don't form partnerships on the basis of romantic attraction, since that's not a feeling I typically experience. In my opinion, the notion that "romantic attraction = partner" and "no romantic attraction = friend", and that that's how it has to be for everyone, is allonormative and kinda arophobic. In my mind, a nonromantic relationship can be a highly committed and interdependent partnership, and a romantic relationship can be very casual and relatively uninvolved

I've heard some ENM people say that their open relationship is sex-only. They don't allow for romantic feelings with anyone else, and they have an agreement to end the relationship if those feelings start forming. And I always thought that was kinda silly. You can't control your feelings, you can only control your actions. So if I can trust my partner to choose her actions so that she's treating me the same and prioritizing me the same, despite feeling romantic things towards someone else, why should it make a difference to me?

And so I consented to nonmonogamy on that basis. I was okay with romantic feelings developing on that basis. My thinking was that there was no reason why romantic feelings have to automatically lead to girlfriend-like commitments, and I thought my ex was on the same page about that. But her other woman never seemed to agree, and my ex never stood up to her

Thing is, I still encounter relationship anarchists who tell me that my desires are toxic. And this pisses me off because I presume that they're allo, and therefore have no idea what it's like to be the aromantic friend or partner of someone who's in romantic love with someone else. I get told that in non-hierarchal dynamics, that sometimes you're the priority and sometimes you meta is, and that it's based on context rather than on the nature of either relationship

Except*,* it's never worked out like that for me in practice. The prioritization, the relationship resources, all silently implicitly slide towards the romantic and sexual connection

I've kind of developed this view of relationship anarchists (and anyone who advocates against communicated hierarchy/prioritization in general) as being privileged allos who are completely unaware of their allo privilege. But maybe that's unfair? Maybe there's some nuance I'm missing. Or maybe it's a few bad apples?

And I'm also wondering, should I just not trust that an allo can fall in romantic love with someone else and not let it affect our nonromantic partnership? Was that a naive thing to believe could happen?

So yeah that's why I made this post. If my prejudice against relationship anarchists is unfounded, then I'd like to talk about it. Or any other insights that allo polys might have. I'm sorry it's so long, but when you exist outside of a lot of social norms, there are a lot of concepts to explain. I'm sure you all can relate to that

so i’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and im pretty happy with my girlfriend she is really loyal and im loyal to her we match each other perfectly. But I’ve had this fantasy for this biggest time of having 2 girlfriends i know i might sound dumb for that but it’s just something that’s been on my mind for a long time now and i’ve hinted at it with my girlfriend and she’s seems like she only sees monogamy in the relationship, i’ve even joked around about threesomes and such and she says that she doesn’t think she could do it cause she’d get jealous of me with another girl although she doesn’t outright decline the thought of doing it with a girl, idk what should i do, should i just keep it as a fantasy since the odds of it being a reality are low or should i just outright ask her if she’d be down to try it?

TLDR: Is the idea of me thinking of polyamory something i should keep as fantasy or should i shoot my shot and ask my girlfriend if she’d be down to try it?

Long time lurker but here I am.

edit: wanted to be clear we are not married yet. I appreciate all the responses honestly.

(NB early 30s) I have been with my partner (M early 30s) for a decade. I have wanted a poly relationship since 2019 and first brought it up to him in 2020. This was a subject that kept coming up for years with gaps of time in-between. There was always an excuse as to why we needed to wait though and many of them valid at the time (such as covid) however despite the wait my partner always expressed he was not monogamous and would be "open to being open".

I read some poly books, occasionally did my research but because life was so busy and I'm demi we went years without discussing it much. At the beginning of 2024 I developed a crush on a friend and wanted to explore being open. My partner was not okay with the timing nor that there was a specific person I wanted to open for. We started couple's therapy and nothing happened sexually between the friend and I. I understand I was not ethical enough in my behavior. We should have had more discussions before I pushed for it. I have been going to couple's therapy, my own therapy, reading poly books, and listening to podcasts. I've joined multiple groups both digital and in-person so that I could do poly "right."

Starting in 2024 my partner went to poly events with me and both of us could go on dates though he didn't want to. Where we live has a lot of poly groups so all of 2025 we went to many meet-ups. However we had a falling out with the main group of people running the main meet-up and we both stopped going completely about 6 months ago. Going to the poly events turned my partner off completely from being poly because he did not like toxic behavior he saw coming from a lot of people, but he claimed he was "open" and okay with "ENM" just not poly since he didn't like what he saw with that group. In his eyes poly looks like enmeshed toxic relationships where there is zero hierarchy and everyone is causing drama or trying to live together. I understand that being poly is dynamic, ever evolving, and there is no "one size fits all." I understand the toxic behavior I saw doesn't mean I need to engage in it. I want to avoid toxic dynamics and I don't have an interest in living with multiple partners, but it's completely scared him off.

Being demisexual I haven't had many dates nor any sex outside of this relationship since we opened in 2024, but I know I would not want to commit to a completely monogamous relationship for the rest of my life. Now we are at a crossroads and just typing it out makes me feel like I have my answers, but I wanted to hear from people with more experience and wisdom than me. We both want to be married, but he is now admitting to me he would not be comfortable with me being open while we are married. I told him I would not be okay to be in a fully monogamous marriage. I just feel really lost thinking he was on board and I could spend the rest of my life with him. We have very much built a life together and I do not make enough money on my own to live on my own, but I also don't want to continue a relationship that isn't going to work for both of us. One of us will always be hurt. I don't want to feel shame for wanting to be open or poly in a way that works for me. Not sure what I'm looking for out of this post but to get this off my chest. Any and all advice or antidotes or reading recommendations I would greatly appreciate.

When do you use the label partner with someone? What does that word mean for you?

When do you not use the label partner for someone you have an intimate relationship with? Do you use other labels, inwardly or outwardly?

Edit: Personally, I used to (and kind of still) view the word partner to be another word for spouse/spouse-like 'life partner', or something building towards that. But I find more and more partner is used as a replacement for boyfriend/girlfriemd (which are terms that anymore feel kind of out of date to me and others), a word that mean any range of 'we're dating, etc.' So, it gets confusing to me, and I kind of feel like I need more words to distinguish what we're doing here, what the expectations are, etc. But, I also see the value in having a general, universally understood 'we're dating' label to communicate to other people / introduce your person, that kind of thing.

I've been seeing several posts in the same vein recently, and wanted to open up kind of a meta discussion about it. Partially so I can provide better advice when they pop up, partially to analyze why they happen in the first place, and partially just to vent and hear your thoughts.

The posts typically involve OP, their Very Poly Partner (VPP), and the VPP's other partner(s). OP is either only partnered to VPP or has a stronger emotional attachment to them than anyone else they're with. Meanwhile, the VPP has multiple close romantic connections and continues to strengthen these and pursue new relationships. This seems to work fine until a specific person or situation comes along that is novel in the relationship; ex., they get closer to a new partner, or go on a date with a friend. The OP struggles to understand why the VPP would do this, and responds by "freaking out" or "frequently expressing discomfort" or "having multiple long and difficult conversations." They want to ask VPP to slow down the pace of new relationships, reduce the amount of time spent with other partners, add specific people to messy lists after the relationship already started, etc. Or they want to turn their feelings off entirely, and ask us for help in doing so.

The first question I tend to ask is "Do you actually want polyamory for yourself, or is it a compromise to stay with the people that you love?" They always claim that they DO want polyamory and it is NOT a compromise; they've been poly for 3/6/10 years and everything's been fine, it's just this situation that's the problem. But it's clear that the OP doesn't value the underlying principles of polyamory (autonomy, maintaining multiple independent romantic relationships) or else they would not be demanding constraints on them. Their comfort has been contingent on monoamorous ideals, whether that be feeling closer or more special than their partner's other connections, filling all of their partner's needs (why would they look elsewhere when I'm right here??), and expecting their relationships to only become more enmeshed over time and never less.

Perhaps this is a healthier starting point: assume that any of your poly partners can, at any time and without warning, build or strengthen relationships with others at whatever pace and to whatever endpoint they desire. That's what autonomy means. It doesn't matter that they didn't date seriously before and then they did. It doesn't matter that they used to date women and are now dating a man. Those things were always on the agenda from the beginning, even if they didn't come up before.

Can coming to terms with that from the beginning completely prevent jealous or upset feelings from forming? I don't think so. Jealousy trumps logic, and it happens even when nobody's the villian. But I do think that if you believe that the core principles of polyamory are valuable and important to maintain in their own right, you are less likely to have your house of cards collapse when novel (but totally normal and healthy) shifts happen in your relationships.

Soapbox over; anyone agree or disagree? I notice that sometimes comments get upvoted that say something along the lines of "actually, your partner should slow down/stop seeing that person/give you a head's up/move only at your comfort level," and I'm particularly interested in whether that's a belief that a large group of poly people share.

Just felt like sharing something happy today and I'm also curious how it made your life better :)

My parter and I (6y together) started as a mono couple but ended up trying poly eventually. I was very insecure in the beginning of our journey and I realized that I suck at expressing my needs and boundaries, I was overthinking and anxious of the potential social judgement, mainly of family memberd. But I'm still glad we did it.

Here are the reasons why I feel extremely happy in this lifestyle right now:

- I learned more about myself, and what I want

- We communicate much more and better

- I've got more time for myself (I'm not seeing anyone else rn)

- We appreciate each other more

- Our intimacy got better

- I get along so well with my metas (non romantic way)

- I don't overthink stuff that much anymore

- It feels like we're each our own flower but are growing together and when one blooms the others bloom too (idk if that makes sense)

My husband (45M) and I (44F) have been ENM for 4 years. Married for 15.
About a year ago we decided to start solo dating as we weren’t finding a lot of 4 way connections. He started dating C and I went on a date with 2 different guys but the dates did not continue because I didn’t want them.

He and C continued to communicate regularly, had made 3 dates total and her husband broke it off because he could sense feelings coming into play, which we all had agreed was a boundary.

My husband was devastated. Super depressed and revealed that he had fallen in love. So now we are both super sad and depressed because I didn’t know what to do with this information. He claims he wasn’t looking for it “it just happened” . Even though I knew they were “dating”, I feel cheated on. He claims he wasn’t being honest about where things were going because he knew it would hurt me.

To be fair, I realize in hindsight that I had been emotionally withdrawn. I’m in therapy and working on myself and my attachment issues.

A few months go by and I finally feel like he’s getting back to his normal self. Our relationship is getting better and I’m feeling more at ease. We attended a few Swinger events and reconnected with some past play partners.

Then she reached out and said she had “permission” to see him again. I reluctantly agreed, as I didn’t want to be the possessive wife. After seeing each other, they began communicating quite often again, to the point where I was uncomfortable with how much. Her husband was also uncomfortable and was getting more and more upset. He asked for permission to go see her to “just talk” about their relationship. Well, he never checked in while he was out, came home at 2am and what do you know. They had sex. Which left me feeling betrayed again.

A month ago, my husband pushed her to be more honest about their love with her husband. He said he was being more honest with me about his feelings of being Polyamorous, which he was and I was crying all the time. I don’t want to lose him but I’m seriously considering if I’m cut out for this.

She broke things off and said she needed some time to figure things out.

Again, my husband is super depressed and now I’m more upset than ever because we’re back to square 1.

We’re in couples therapy with an ENM therapist. Last night he admitted in therapy that he didn’t see a future without her as a part of his life. I feel like I’m being told to choose. He says he wants me to have this experience with another person but that doesn’t make it any easier or better. Today is our anniversary and so just don’t know how to function today. I’m sad and lost.
TIA

So I am fairly new to living poly and it has been quite an interesting journey so far:
A few years ago I thought I needed a closed relationship to be happy, until I realised that being highly partnered changes the dynamic for me and makes everything "heavy". A bit more than a year ago I (30m) started dating a woman (Apple, 30f) who told me early on that she "doesn't do relationships", but lives solo poly. That didn't deter me, to my own surprise, instead I was curious and decided that framework sounds great to figure out what I want for myself, accompanied by therapy. Worked really well, I didn't feel the heaviness I was so used to, and I liked not feeling guilty for having a small crush here and there, flirting with others, and so on. For her, the question remained whether I was truly ok with her having other connections, and step by step, occurrence by occurrence, it turned out that I am. I started lurking here as well, and worked through emotions as they came up, some alone, some with her, some in therapy. Sometimes it was complicated as hell, because it's hard to tell apart why certain emotions or questions come up: is it difficult/uncomfortable because I am not okay with non exclusivity, or because I have stumbled upon something related to relationships in general, or because I ran into a general difference between my partner and me?
So far I can only tell, I am comfortable with non exclusivity, but need the feeling of being a priority. RA is clearly not my way of doing things (for now), and I guess parallel feels... safer, because it prevents unclear situations where expectations if different people might clash.

Now we've been going steady for a year, and there's a new connection for her, someone who's in her circle of friends. That felt different than everything previous. Mostly because I am worried about clashing expectations in public situations where we're both present. Yesterday I met the guy (not sure whether I should call him my meta yet, as it's all very fresh and unclear, so let's call him Birch), and the circumstances were less than ideal. Apple brought me to the wedding of an old friend of hers, into a an old friend group I had met before and knew, who knew me as her established partner. Birch wasn't even supposed to be there originally, but came last minute as a wedding photographer, since the hired one fell through. Apple called him in, since she knew he was the easiest and quickest solution for the very pressing issue of "oh fuck, no photographer". Five minutes later she realised that might cause issue and we talked about the situation. Of course I was less than thrilled and reminded her that this is exactly what I didn't want to happen, and that I worried about us three being in a very uncomfortable situation, since I didn't know what he might expect, but I expected to be there as her partner. She understood, notified him that I would be there (hadn't told him when she called him in on short notice and didn't consider that he might be doing her a favour for personal reasons), and we decided to see what happens as it was too late to change a thing. Then the wedding went through without any issues, and I didn't feel uncomfortable, to my surprise. Once again.

Afterwards we talked about everything and I repeated my point about expectations when I am present as her partner, and that I didn't want to feel deprioritised by her. She asked whether she could prioritise partners by season of the year, half jokingly half serious. I told her no, I am not a summer-boyfriend, for that were already way too serious, and in that case I'd be out. Before this post becomes too long and I don't get to the question I'm trying to ask, I'll keep the summary of our conversation short: we're both feeling secure in our relationship, we're going step by step as this is new for both of us (for me the openness, for her the fact that she sees someone as a long term partner and needs to make choices), but she is worried about her wish of several partners being present in the same space at the same time becoming impossible, and worries that I might be lying to myself about choosing polyamory for myself instead of begrudgingly accepting it for her sake. She loves the idea of all involved people being close, and I would like to keep things separate as far as possible. For now at least. I could only tell her again, that this is has a learning curve and that I need to try and live aspects before I can know what works for me.

Now to my question: how did your way of living relationships change over time? Did your comfort levels shift, and you went from parallel to ktp or the other way around? Did you start with the same need to feel special and prioritised, and did that need change?

Who's seen "," and what did you think?

Spoilers below:

I thought the script and acting was excellent, and I found it genuinely very funny.

Esther Perel was listed as a consultant, and it was kind of distracting for me to hear some of her common phrases spoken by the characters. I wondered why Pina, the therapist character, was so under-developed too; we found out the least about her inner life or motivations (why did she start dating a client? why is she interfering with this couple? etc.)

I thought the non-monogamous couple was depicted with more nuance and sensitivity than usual. But I am frustrated that non-monogamy is still shown as either (a) chaos/bad/evil or, in this case, as (b) a plot point for a monogamous couple to understand something about their relationship or themselves. I'll call this the manic-pixie-magical-ethical-slut trope. I mean, I get it, this is a mainstream movie and most of the viewing audience is monogamous. But still, I continue to look for and hope for great storytelling that makes people in non-monogamous relationships the center, without pathologizing, sensationalizing, or marginalizing them.

A few recent exchanges on here have had me thinking about sneakyarchy, which I think of as undisclosed hierarchy in poly relationships that usually isn't obvious at first but reveals itself over time. I find it really validating to hear other people's stories; sometimes even with asking the right vetting questions, people either outright lie or give wishful thinking answers, so it can feel really frustrating when it becomes an issue down the line.

Here's my contribution: I dated someone ostensibly solo poly who had several partners, but did not use designations like primary partner. However, within a few months of dating it became clear they were heavily co-dependent with one of their partners who was struggling with alcohol abuse, who was effectively their primary. They would drop plans if that partner called and threatened to go on a bender; they would clean up the messes of that partner's flakiness; they came up with elaborate strategies to keep them from getting belligerent while drunk (that only worked sometimes of course). And I knew all this, because they told me all about it AND they once cut a date short to do a favor for this partner. (I know, I know. I am wiser now but at the time they apologized and i accepted that). Shortly before I broke things off they said they'd de-escalated to "comet partners" - but they had seen them the day before, were going to see them again the day after, AND I'm pretty sure they called late at night while we were having an overnight that evening. That is...not how astronomy works!

So, what are the ways hierarchy snuck into your relationships? How did you deal with it?

This is a vent/asking for advice. It’s long so please, bear with me.

Around ten years ago, during my first pregnancy, at an obgyn control at the maternity hospital, they told me I had herpes. I was very surprised because I had a sole small pimple, but I was feeling well, no pain, no big rash, etc, it wasn’t like I heard it was.

In 2020, during a control with my regular obgyn in town, we talked about that diagnosis. The doctor asked me about my then symptoms, and when I explained to him, he told me that it didn’t sound like herpes and that the hospital in question were often wrong in their diagnoses. He offered to make a blood test. The blood test came back negative, so he told me that it is negative for sure. He was so adamant that I decided to trust him. I was with my daughter’s father for 10 years, he never had anything, and as far as I know, I’ve never had any other outbreak, so I naively thought that was it.

In 2021, I broke up with my kid’s father, and became solo-poly. I had a lot of casual encounters, using protection every time, and as far as I know, nothing negative came from it.

I have two relationships at the moment, Juniper, who is my anchor partner since 2024, and Aspen, in a more casual, long distance relationship, since 2025, but we were platonic friends before that.

Fast forward to yesterday. I had a rash and hurtful urination, so I went to the obgyn. My regular obgyn in town is in vacation, so I went to the maternity hospital’s ER.

The rash ended to be nothing serious, but after going through my medical file, the ER doctor mentioned that herpes diagnosis from some years ago, and I told him it was a mistake, that my regular obgyn disproved it with a blood test.

But the ER doctor told me that the blood tests aren’t reliable and that they did a swab and it was positive, so that first diagnosis is the definitive one.

Panicked, I immediately contacted my two partners. Juniper was incredibly laid-back about it, reassuring me that it wasn’t a big deal, that herpes is very common and that we would just be more careful moving forward.

But Aspen took it very badly. He suffers from depression and anxiety, and the news really shook him. He started to spiral and also accused me of not being completely upfront, when I actually remember having told him about that herpes « scare » some years ago, when we were just friends and I thought it was just that. He then ended to tell me he needed « some space for a bit ».

I am heartbroken. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. I also carry a lot of guilt to have possibly exposed him, others, and to have been so stupid and so blind. I feel like I am the worst person in the world.

I know that all I can do concerning Aspen is to let him having space for the moment.

In the meantime, could you give me some positivity? Thank you.

I don't know how many people here will share my happiness, but I feel confident this is poly-relevant:

Google added more colors (now 24) to the palette for color-coding Calendar events!!!

(ETA I don't have 24 partners... )

Hello, everyone!

I (f25) was in a poly relationship for 6 months, it has been several months since the breakup and I am trying to understand my feelings better.

I have always found polyamory interesting as a concept. I have been reading The Ethical Slut and browsing this subreddit even before said relationship. I never had a goal to become poly myself, I have never wished to have more than one partner, but I have had deep respect for this relationship structure. I found it really inspiring that people can love their loved ones being happy even with others, that love is not a finite resource, that someone can choose to work through jealousy instead of succumbing to it, etc.

Around a year ago I met my (ex) girlfriend (25) who has been with her primary partner (m26) for several years and they decided to open up their relationship in order for her to explore her bisexuality. It was far from fully ethical: one penis policy, veto power, asymmetry (she can date women but not fuck men, but her male partner can only fuck women, because she is jealous of romantic feelings. I was allowed to date or fuck anyone else, but I never used that right), no sleepovers at my place allowed, etc. I was aware of it all but naively believed that most of these rules affect them more than me, so they have to work through them at their own time.

I was fine being a secondary partner, because I am a highly independent person and have avoidant tendencies that I have been working through on my own and in therapy. So not being primary did not bother me that much. She included me in her life, her friend circle, I befriended my (ex) meta too.

In the end I understood that the whole not-so-ethical structure did indeed affect me, and that essentially I didn't have any say in it, I just agreed to their conditions because they didn't hurt me that much. But if I raised those questions, there wouldn't be any space for discussion, because those unethical things were the basis of their whole agreement. So I knew that trying to negotiate anything was not an option and I left.

I left thinking that now I understand myself and my needs better. That the next time I am in a poly relationship, I will do it differently. But... the more thinking have I been doing about my next potential relationship, the more have I been imagining something mono, something stable, something serious (compared to casual relationships I tried to pursue earlier).

And in hindsight, there were many moments when I was probably hurting in that relationship but I didn't allow myself to feel it because I wanted to be a non-jealous reasonable poly girlfriend.

I remember my ex going on dates with other women and me feeling anxious the whole evening, and I remember feeling relief when she said it wouldn't work out with them, and I felt a lot of guilt for feeling relief.

I remember her sharing details about her threesome (with consent of all people involved and mine too) and a part of me was happy for her but a part of me felt lonely and "underfucked" (we had sex very rarely, despite her having a high libido, and I have not enjoyed it once. It might be a me problem, she was my first sexual partner, so there is a lot of stress and insecurity about being a late bloomer on my end. Ironically, now that I am not a virgin, I am even more insecure, because I have had sex and not enjoyed it lol).

I remember celebrating NYE with them and taking a photo of them kissing. It was beautiful and I felt happy for them, but my heart was in pain nonetheless. And the next day I had to witness her getting ready for a date with some new girl. She put on red lipstick that she wears for a special occasion. She wore in our first date. A part of me broke that day, but I didn't allow myself to notice.

I just tried to bottle my feelings up, to be reasonable, to not want too much.

The worst thing is that it's not like she was neglecting me. She gave me enough attention. Yet her giving this special kind of attention to somebody else hurt me too, even if it didn't take anything from me. In a sense, I am having feelings that I despise, aren't I? Because why would I be hurting if she was happy with me and others if it didn't cost me anything? It is irrational.

I guess I am trying to understand what I am feeling. Have any of you had similar feelings? Does it mean I am mono? Does that mean I just have to do polyamory in a different way somehow?

I am currently in an fwb relationship with my metamour and I was searching for people with similar stories or just any discussion regarding that type of dynamic here, but couldn't really find anything, so I decided to post because I'm really curious of what others might have to share!

(My storytime below, but if you wanna skip TL;DR my fwb got in a relationship with my girlfriend and we've remained fwbs. Everything is going really well, ultimate compersion-maxxing style, with the only catch being that figuring out the dynamic shift was a puzzle for my autistic mind at first, but communication came in rescue.)

In my case I actually met them on a dating app and while there was no romantic chemistry between us, we definitely clicked as people and would later become really close friends. With both of us enjoying casual sex, and our sexual chemistry doing just fine despite the lack of the romantic one, our friendship has always included the benefits part (although we never really called it fwb; mostly bc it was the friendship part that mattered to us, with sex just happening somewhere in the background).

At some point I've introduced them to my girlfriend, as they have a lot in common and are the type of people I knew would get along. They totally clicked as well and have also become friends. From then onwards we've become a friend group – while each two of us had their own special relationship and hobbies or topics only they had in common, we would hang out as a group quite often and have a group chat where we talk about the stuff we all share.

Since then the two of them have developed romantic feelings for each other and, after some time have passed, became official. I have felt, and still feel, an incredible amount of compersion, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't complicated at first.

My main difficulty was how confusing it has all become in my head – suddenly my autistic brain had an infinity of uncertainties about what is appropriate and healthy vs. what's not anymore + what are the exact new boundaries. Thankfully, both my girlfriend and meta are very communicative people, and they were completely understanding and always there to dispel any doubts I might have (meta actually happens to be at a similar level of overthinking to me, so we've both been stressing about that kind of stuff, and the conversations we've had were both very reassuring, and honestly brought us even closer together).

I was also expecting some possible jealousy issues in that arrangement, but that honestly hasn't really been much of a problem (for either of the three of us as far as I'm aware).

Overall my experience has definitely been really positive, but I don't know if I would see myself having an fwb relationship with a metamour in a different situation, as I still see many ways that sort of arrangement might go terribly wrong and it's probably often not worth the risk.

Firstly, I don’t think this is a huge problem just thinking about the issue and interested in other perspectives.

My bf and I have been together for 3 years and living together 6 months. We communicate really well. We both were poly in the past and this relationship started this way, and it had a real slow burn. I won’t pretend we didn’t have bumps along the way, when I met him I had recently broken up with an NP, and he had an NP, they broke up maybe 1.5 years ago but then cohabitated platonically. And we had some living together/coming out as a primary relationship couple bumps. I think the last of all that was in March.

We have a really beautiful relationship now. He’s always had more comet type relationships, when he was living with his NP and our relationship developed, that was unusual for him but I do always keep in mind that could happen again. I, on the other hand, in part due to being female and finding meeting new partners to be potentially risky, have tended to have ongoing relationships with a couple of people. He has two past partners that are now platonic that he remains close friends with.

What’s happened is that I have started to look more critically at my other relationships which is fair as they aren’t quite right. One is over romantically although we remain in touch and have been trying to work on things, but that partner knows if things don’t change there’s no way it will continue. We haven’t been intimidate for maybe 2 months. I just don’t feel respected in that relationship, and I want things that partner doesn’t want to give. That partner and I have been together off and on for 5 years and have been each others emotional support. But don’t get me wrong I know the best thing is to walk away.

The other one is more of a casual play partner and we don’t have a lot in common and barely talk because we are both on the spectrum and don’t get me wrong, we enjoy each other in bed. But there’s not a whole lot more to it than that.

I don’t really have an interest in pursuing anyone else.

My bf… has more occasional comets, more than I can keep track of, but he sees them all rarely. He’s seen three this year but they are all people from the past, one he hasn’t seen for a couple years, etc. some are people from other cities or that moved away.

He and I have explored a lot sexually and also just like relationship wise since we communicate so much. I know he’s reluctant to sexually explore with others, especially as he sees them rarely.

Recently he’s shared he’s had a hard time performing with other partners. Having read a lot on here I suggested he considered Viagra or cialis to her over the hump, but he doesn’t want to do that. He and I don’t have any problems.

I talked to him the other day about how I like having the option of seeing someone, and I’d never “make” him close, but just that I probably will scale back seeing other people. I have that one play partner now and I can’t see looking for anyone. Even though he and I have fun, honestly, I have a hard time about getting excited to go see him or horny because my bf and I have so much sex.

I’m sure this has happened to other nested partners and I just wonder if this is typical? I worry maybe we are too enmeshed? We both have a bit of a history of that with primary partners that were more demanding, we don’t demand things of each other but would rather just be together.

Recently with my freedom from on of my more serious relationships, and not causally dating, I have also gotten more in to my hobbies, and he goes to the gym a lot and works. We try to have our own independent things.

He’s also said he has limited down time and would rather spend it with me. Should we be focussed on making and keeping other connections or just let the current situation be?

So I am friends with someone who has started talking to a guy I am also talking to. Neither of us are officially titled with him yet but we are both basically on the path to do so.

I have been poly much much longer than her and have done a lot more emotional work than she has. She has some jealousy issues and honestly hasn't made the way to being totally in a healthy poly space from my point of view.

Sometimes we go to group events where we are both attending and so is the guy. And I can tell she's gets kind of crabby when I am flirt and touchy with him. Mind you I'm not like all over him all time but I do just occasionally go acknowledge him and get a few kisses and such. I know at some point it's going to be a conversation we have to have.

My question is how do I tell her in a nice and gentle way that her jealousy is not my problem and she just needs to get over it. I think the easy solution might be that it's his responsibility to set that boundary with her. The problem is that we are also friends and hang out just the two of us and I don't want her to bring it up to me and me not know how to be nice about it... Any advice is appreciated.

Two things of note. I don't care if you think it's strange to date the same guy as my friend. We are all poly and I don't see the issue so Idgaf what you think about that part. But in my defense I was talking to him first and then she got interested and it's not like I'm allowed to say no even if I cared. She's the one who seems to care.

Secondly note is that at these events her actual boyfriend is often there so I don't understand why she gets jealous of me mingling with another guy who she's not even dating yet.

The bad news: he's gonna need it.

My boyfriend Sumac of nearly a year got a vasectomy a few months ago. We had talked about not using barriers once it was confirmed that it worked. I'm on birth control, we have been getting regular STI testing (all negative) and we've both gotten the HPV vaccine. My risk profile is very low currently as is his (currently it's a closed polycule with no new partners).

A few months ago, after he'd done the testing to confirm the procedure worked, I asked if he could get a defined timeline for going barrier free. He spoke to Juniper about it and she spoke to her boyfriend about it, and said she needed about two months to adjust. During those two months Sumac checked in with her regularly to see how she was feeling about it. I had asked him to let me know a weather report on how those conversations were going and he had only positive things to report.

The week before the two month time period was almost up, Sumac said he wanted to have one final conversation with Juniper to make sure they were on the same page. He called me the next day sounding absolutely distraught and overwhelmed; Juniper was not on board with the agreement. I told him he needed to decide what his priorities were, keeping the peace with her or keeping our agreements. He chose to tell her that his priority was keeping our shared agreement.

We hopped on a video call and he told me that Juniper told him she never agreed to a two month waiting period, that he had been "rushing and pressuring her" about the issue, and that she was not comfortable with us going barrier free. I told him that I had screenshots of when he told me about the two month ask from her, and did he really think that he made that up or misunderstood her at the time? How could he be rushing and pressuring her if he wasn't asking to speed things up but was in fact respecting her timeline (which was a bit longer than we both wanted)? I expressed sympathy that she was feeling uncomfortable but that i didn't like that she had made him seem like he'd done something wrong and was trying to rewrite history.

This experience is really the only time we've diverged from parallel poly to jointly make agreements due to the sexual health implications. I told him that I do not want anything to do with meta because we do not have compatible values. We have gone from a looser parallel back to strict parallel where I do not hear anything about her that doesn't directly concern me. We have kept our agreement about going barrier free.

I know the common refrain here is "it's a hinge issue." And yes, ideally he would have just told her he was keeping the agreement and kept me out of the drama - but he was truly confused and in distress about her reaction, and needed the outside confirmation that his memory was not wrong (he does have mild memory issues but not for things as important as this typically). He has agreed that any fallout from this situation, he will handle independent of me.

I guess I am wondering has someone else had a meta act like this? Did you find parallel was effective? Any good outcomes, or bad ones/red flags to watch for?

This is your spot. Mingle, say hi, ask that question that you don’t want to make a whole post about?

This is your spot!

Requests for resources, questions about lingo, all that good stuff? We can help!

Not sure if you’re in the right sub? We can help you find one!

Why is it that this is now the fifth time I’ve walked into a situation where the person said they were ready and were prepared to have another partner. They of course having having other partners or married. Only for a few weeks, a few months in to tell me that they have to fix their other relationships before they start a new one with me. I feel like it’s common sense to have a clean house before you bring people in, but apparently it’s not. I feel super frustrated, these are tears of anger, frustration, not sadness… maybe a little bit of sadness for feelings that I had for the person. Why do people think it’s nice to tell me I have to wait a while and put me on the back burner until they are ready to add me in.
If everything isn’t started with your own life and other relationships don’t bother adding other people in. Because it’s not cool to bring people in, give them hope…so much hope and talk about plans only to push them out. Or ask them to wait until they are ready.

If you are a person who does this, just know that you may not have horrible intentions but you break a little part of that person every time.

I literally asked all the questions and triple ask questions to make sure that everything is happy in their own space. I don’t know how else to avoid people like this as my trust is already low and these people cause it to be even lower.

Yes, part of me just wants to kind of give up, but I’ve seen joy in this world and yes, it hurts but I hope to get that happiness most people seem to have.

It's been three weeks since I (30s M) broke up with my anchor partner due to their lack of follow through on plans/commitments and how they were handling schedule conflicts. It's the first time in my life (nearly 40) that I'm really fully solo poly, dating casually, while living on my own. I'm seeing two people - Maple, who I was introduced to by a friend a month ago, and Willow, who I've known for ages and had a nonsexual but romantic-ish connection with and we both decided we were interested in a bit more. They're both new connections and I'm enjoying both. I see Maple about once a week or so, and Willow might be a once or twice a month connection due to distance.

I'm enjoying sex in these relationships without there being a serious capital C commitment attached without guilt for the first time in my life. It's legitimately novel to me.

I'm really filling my calendar this summer. Saying yes to all the concerts, museums, social outings. I have a few new local city friendships I'm trying to cultivate. I'm trying to decide if I have capacity and interest in pursuing any more romantic/sexual connections, but I'm trying to be cautious about overextending myself too.

I'm interested if there are others here who have similarly found themselves feeling like they are thriving in solo poly later in life who would be willing to share their experiences, and any advice to follow or pitfalls to avoid. I want to enjoy this time in my life to the fullest and avoid any common fuckups for someone in my position.

To share a bit of poly joy:

I just started seeing a new person.

Min is a partner of a friend, Ax. I have known Ax for years, and we even kinda almost dated for a second when I was first exploring poly - before they were dating Min - but decided there was nothing more than platonic friendship there. I had met Min a few times, but it was always in passing or in group settings and never really got to know them.

Anyways, I saw Min on an app and we matched mostly in a "hey, how are you" sort of way. We got to talking and decided that we are interested in getting to know each other. The two of us rode together to one of Ax's out of town drag performances and had a lovely evening together.

Because of the tricky dynamic of Ax and I being friends and not wanting to hurt anyone Min and I decided to slow burn our relationship. It's been a few weeks and a couple of days ago Min, Ax, myself and another of my partners Jo (who knows Min and Ax through some mutual friends -- it's a small town and a smaller community 😅) went to a new sushi place, then came back to my place to soak in the hot tub.

Between sushi and hot tub the 4 of us and my NP (Ana) chatted for a bit. It was all so cozy and comfortable. Neither Jo nor Ana spent much time with Ax or Min outside of larger group settings, and so we were all getting to know each other more. Everyone seems to really like each other, so this bodes well for future group hangouts.

I'm very KTP with Ana and Jo, and Min has expressed that is their preferred style too, so the idea of all of us hanging out semi-regularly makes my little poly heart sing 🥰🥰🥰

Anyways, it's all new and exciting, and I'm trying not to get too caught up in NRE, so I want to be really careful with everyone's feelings, but I'm so happy. Min and I are having another date this weekend 😊😊😊

My spouse (43m), Pear, recently spent a day/night with my meta Blueberry (39f) for the first time after a couple weeks of talking. None of my business, but if relevant, they spent almost the entire time in a hotel room.

After, Pear sent me a screenshot of their text chain for logistical purposes, but he accidentally included a text where he told her, “Thank you, truly. You made me feel alive for the first time in a very long time.”

That was a gut punch. I asked Pear about it, and he didn’t deny that was how he felt. We have had a lot of ups and downs in the past few years, and I know he’s frustrated with my seeming inability to let go and enjoy life (I deal with fairly tough depression/anxiety, which I am working on.. always lol).

I know he is “allowed” to say and feel this, but it just hurts. Do I ignore it and try to live my own best life? Is there a way to talk about this that won’t end in tears?

ANY advice welcome 😭

Came across my partner’s wife’s Feeld profile recently and it said …

“Married with kids, open for many years and struggling for all of them (working through some trauma, don’t quote any poly shit to me, I’m so over it).”

I feel confused. Prior to living in our city, my partner and his wife lived with one of his girlfriends (and her husband) for many years. He has told me that they lean KTP, but I have not met Meta yet. My partner and I have only been together for a few months.

Thoughts? Feels like a little red flag but unsure if I’m overthinking it.

EDIT: Additional info & clarifications

1 - This is unfortunately not an old account, she was most recently active two months ago.

2 - To the handful of folks that said I should just talk to my parter … Yes, we already have and we are. I wanted to hear this community’s thoughts about the profile specifically, so I didn’t include additional information about these talks.

3 - Thanks to everyone who commented, it’s validating to hear that my concerns are justified!

So just to clarify. My wife and I are poly and we date separately and together just depends. Recently we’ve been interested in finding a girlfriend to enter the relationship but also I’ve been looking for a girlfriend too. She has some male friends she sees and Im not seeing anyone. I’m starting to feel. Invisible. I’m a kind person. I’m not overly sexual or sending D picks. I’m also starting to ask myself is there something wrong with me or am I just not attractive. What is it. We both love each other very much and we both know we want the same attention that we give each other from others as well. We both have so much love to share. She gets a lot of attention from men and women. Me. It lasts a day or two and then nothing.

Been grappling with my newly opened relationship with my partner into ENM (im terrified). But that's not the question of the day.

I have/had a qpp before my current partner (as in I still have a QPP). I am struggling with the idea of them having multiple romantic/sexual partners while I have only them. They brought up me having a qpp and asked isn't that poly too?

I basically am now questioning if I am or am not poly leaning myself???? I've defs ranked partners / qpps similarly before but the different level of life building together throws me off. My ex (past live in partner) would try to set bullshit constraints with or about my qpp and I told em to shove it... but now I'm grappling with my partner wanting to see multiple folks and it feels... unfair ahaha.

Is have a qpp inherently poly???

I'm battling with qpps vs romantic partners. They don't feel at all the same to me - but at the same time I feel they are both fundamentally polyam?

Help me sort my brain, I'm so confused. Maybe I'm monog? Maybe I'm poly and haven't come to terms with it yet???

Tdlr; how the fuck does one know if they are poly. Also how does one unpack the valuing of relationships. @.@ cause romantic partnerships and qpps feel pretty different to me...

It's almost Friday, and a few other posts had me musing on this, so I figured I'd start my own thread rather than derail someone else's.

Tl;dr: **What's something you've encountered in polyamory that could have been a big deal to navigate, but ended up being a nothingburger--or even strengthened a connection?**

My example: ~5 years ago I started dating Fox, who'd only opened his marriage with Sapphire a few months prior. They hadn't yet navigated him having an actual partnership, so I was wary of landmines. We found a potential one immediately: Sapphire and I have the same name, but different spellings. Think Holly and Hollie.

I've read posts in this sub--and also just personally witnessed in real life--poly meltdowns between metas over shared names before: essentially hierarchy proxy battles over who gets to be the “only” Cat/Kate/Ashley/etc and who is suddenly expected to accept not using their own name. I’m also neurospicy and prone to anxiety about social conflict, so I was nervous, especially since we’d inevitably cross paths at Fox’s apartment.

Turned out to be a complete non-issue. The first time we met, Sapphire opened with a joke about it, and we found out our senses of humor totally align. We’ve since become close friends completely independent of Fox: organically KTP developed because we actually want to be in each other’s lives. Our names are now a running joke: we have a Council of Hollyie that (playfully) outvotes our shared partner and issues binding resolutions on things Fox was going to do anyway. The one time Fox tried to call Sapphire "Old Holly," we shut it down in unison: another bonding moment lol.

In retrospect it's wild either of us worried. And when real conflict has occasionally come up, that early foundation of goodwill helped us resolve it well. We tell each other often that we won the poly lottery.

So, what's your version? What could have been a landmine but turned out to be a quirk, a joke, or a friendship?

If you’re partner is very clearly trying to set boundaries, improve communication and work on being a better hinge- what would you do if your meta is basically disregarding all of the work and continues to cross lines and make your relationship stressful.
I’ve pushed for parallel and our hinge is doing what he needs to do to make that happen- but because we’re all in similar social groups I can’t completely avoid my meta. And as much as our partner tries to balance and manage his time with both of us, she continues to try to insert herself into our plans and or cause a scene to where last minute changes occur.

Long story short- partner and I have tickets to a concert next week. Partner has very clearly told meta multiple times that he is going with me. Meta is also supposed to attend with her friends. Ive told partner I’m ok with her at least saying hi to us and talking with him for a few moments- but then I expect to be able to enjoy the concert without her being by us. Yet she continues to make statements that indicate she is expecting to be able to hang out with us the whole time and that we’re all going together and hopefully it will help us “heal”. I’m in a social group chat with meta and meta has said a few times now how excited she is to goto the concert with me and hinge- but she isn’t going with us.
There is no us- there’s him and I, and then meta and him. It’s not a trio or KTP- but no matter how many times hinge tells meta he isn’t going with her, she just keeps pretending that conversation never happened.
I’m kind of at wits end and about ready to walk away.

Advice?

We were together for a year and a half. I'm just sad. But because we're poly and most people didn't even know I had a boyfriend (I'm married as well), I can't talk to anyone about it.

I'm
Not devastated, I know it was running its course. But he got there before I did. And I'm so sad. I'm just...I'm sad.

For the record, I've never been someone who belived in Polyamory. I am jealous, selfish, and needy, and I want my man to love me and only me. So tell me why I knowingly let myself get involved with a married guy?? And stayed?!?

And honestly... it was kinda working. His wife and I became friends and then, she started confiding in me about things she was frustrated with him and I would agree with her. She's autistic, and very laid back and does not like to nag or push, but the husband has unmedicated ADHD and was just becoming more and more lazy and depressed, and just not caring about anyone anymore.

They've been together 10 years. I became the girlfriend 6 months ago. LDR. We knew each other online from a shared community for several months before we started flirting. So we were friends first. And then, there was a flirty joke that got pushed too far and... it was like someone threw oil into the fire. It exploded. We were crazy about each other, he made me rush to renew my passport so I could go visit him and then... it fell flat. Out of nowhere. The hyperfixation was gone. I did go spend a week with them, which was very nice, but after that, even tho he swore left right and center he loved me, he just retreated into his shell. Didn't text as much. Would zone out for hours. I felt neglected and pointed this out many times. Sometimes he tried harder, then he'd relapse. I'd try to explain that "this is all we have!" But he didn't seem to get it. It didn't bother him. And I'd retort, "of course you don't, you have your wife! You're not lonely!" But he would just go "nah, I dont see her much either", not getting that "not much" was still better to me than zero. I would try to initiate talk of another trip but there was always some reason it was impossible. And if I'd felt that at least he'd wanted it too, that would have been one thing, but there was zero interest from his end. He rarely said he missed me or wanted to see me. It felt like I'd become a chore.

I'd known for weeks the relationship was over/doomed to end, but still I held on. I didn't wanna leave. When he had good days, it was good. And I knew the whole thing was mostly due to his adhd and depression being unmedicated. But it was so frustrating to watch him do nothing to try and help himself. I kept trying to push him to action, but nothing worked.

But anyways, so, on the day that I finally snapped, and he ended up going, "yeah I'm not good for you", I texted his wife telling her we were breaking up. She said she was sorry. We were a V so there was nothing between his wife and I other than the friendship he'd hoped would happen. I was a wreck and she stayed up all night until 4am talking to me, long after all my friends had peaced-out with well wishes.

We ended up talking about certain things and realized that we had both been told very different things about how "this poly thing" was supposed to work. Apparently, she had been ok with him having something casual on the side, but he'd been interpreting her rules very loosely and telling his new potential girls (including me) very different things. She said she didn't want him dating anyone local because she didn't want a 3rd person in her space. He somehow interpreted that as her saying she didn't wanna feel like a 3rd wheel. But he was there trolling the internet for intense emotional relationships and promising us (the online girls) that we'd eventually live in a happy polycule and that his wife was totally cool with it. He also thought that he didn't need to share anything with her unless "it got serious" and so there were some relationships that remained online-only that she'd never heard about. She thought I was only the second of his online flings, but I knew about at least one more and I told her about it. We talked a lot. Compared notes. She said he wasn't all bad, didn'twant me to hate him. I told her she needed to really shake him, assert herself more. Cuz in a way she was too understanding and enabling him.

That night, my now ex was still talking to me with some amount of sympathy, seeming upset that he'd hurt me, you know, and all that. The next day, he ignored me completely. Wife told me they'd had a big talk and he was no longer allowed to date anyone else. I was proud of her but it felt like a hammer in my coffin. And then, when he finally replied to me, he sounded like a robot. He said he would quit the communities we were part of and that from now on, he'd focus only on her. He said he felt terrible about how he'd treated her and not realized how badly she was hurting. And I was just like 😐 guess I'm just roadkill then. But anyhoo...

She still talks to me. And mind you, I am super happy for her. But fuck, my heart is in a million pieces and I literally do not know what to do with myself 😔

That's it.

I know reading this, you are probably thinking "wow why are you even crying over that guy? He sounds like a douche." And you wouldn't be wrong. But I also have adhd and an irrational af brain, so... 🤷‍♀️

Anyways, I am not really looking for advice. I am just hurting and wanted to vent 😔

I’m not looking for advice or sympathy/empathy, just want to get a little into my feels about not being able to publicly share the joys of my relationship with people I care about because my partner is not fully out.

We’ve had some discussions about what limits might be necessary, and I respect that. But, for instance, this morning, he texted me an adorable photo of a stuffie wearing his glasses, and in a mono situation, I would have fully posted that to one of my more cozy socials (friends and family only) and tagged him to show how absolutely sickeningly cute we are, but I can’t because he and his wife are not out as poly to their families and many friends. This morning, his wife posted a sweet FB memory, and I have to accept that I don’t get that privilege.

It’s a challenge for me, because I’m fairly open and public about who I am, how I live, and what I believe in. I have a minor/burgeoning on moderate name recognition in my field and a reputation for being honest, authentic, and open, including some pretty spicy opinions, and yet, this is one closet I didn’t expect to be stuck in, and it feels like I’m being a little dishonest about who I am—if I come out as poly, people may put two and two together about him, and that’s not a risk I’m willing to take, for his sake and his wife’s sake.

Anyway…just chalking this one up to a growth opportunity…and maybe eating my feels a little.

I hope folks are having a good day/night, wherever you are ☺️

My primary partner and I have been together for 10 years, and ethically non-monogamous since the beginning. I’m somewhere on the aromantic spectrum, so I’ve never had an issue keeping even multi-year relationships light and casual — I can really, really enjoy someone’s company and care for them deeply without feeling romantic love for them.

Well.

I think I have to throw my smug sense of superiority over never “catching feelings” out of the window.

I’ve been seeing someone casually-ish (as in, low expectations of time commitment and entanglement) for around a year, and it hit me yesterday that I’m just completely smitten with them. Like I am down BAD. They’re just so funny and smart and sensitive and hot?? And it’s funny because I haven’t felt this way since my primary partner and I started dating, and I don’t know what to do with myself. Is this what normal people feel at the start of every relationship?? How do you function??

Anyway! Obviously all of this means I need to have a convo with both of my partners about what this looks like going forward, which I’m very nervous about. But for now I kind of want to just experience the newness of this feeling.

NP and I are changing our living arrangements and have decided to have our meta move in with us. For context the hinge has been with their partner for about 3 years, we all know each other well and hang out together at least twice a week. All of us will be moving into separate rooms and our house is large enough to provide privacy for all parties. For context meta and I are friends and nothing more. I am not dating outside my partner at this point (unsure if that will change).

What I am looking for is what has worked for you and what doesn't work. Are there any pitfalls that you wish you knew before attempting this? What are some good preparations we can take to ensure this is successful and everyone is happy.

My ex (late 20s M) and I (early 30s F) are both very active members of the same organization. Initially, we could just avoid each other, but as we both took on leadership roles, this isn’t feasible anymore. (No, I don’t want to quit.)

We broke up about a year ago after unsuccessfully opening up our relationship and I should be over it but truthfully I’m not. It was a very painful ending. He essentially left me for someone else and didn’t honor what few agreements we had around being poly, so I ended things.

Fast forward and things are confusing. One minute we could be joking around like old times, sometimes we avoid each other, and occasionally we fight. I’m sick and tired of the uncertainty of being around him. If I wanted to feel this anxious about him, I would have stayed in the relationship. so I asked if we could talk on the phone and establish some boundaries.

What are some specific things I could ask that would allow us to work together while simultaneously not making it seem like I forgive him or that we’re friends? Am I crazy for still being hung up on this guy?

My partner and I are in our mid thirties and it's go-time. Shit is getting real. Either we have kids now, or we miss our window. I'm leaning on the side of childfree pretty hard, and my husband is finding himself yearning for a kid. Thankfully, since we're both poly, our parenting preferences aren't dealbreakers for us because my husband has the option to pursue parenting with someone else, and I'd be supportive if he did. I'm not against contributing by financially supporting the child as I am in a financially privileged position. I just hate the idea of sleepless nights, pregnancy potentially ruining my body, tantrums, and attending playdates while I make small talk with a rando mommy. I wouldn't mind living under the same roof with my partner and his co-parent/child either, I just don't want to be the main caregiver. We've discussed his relocating to a different home to live with his co-parent and child, and my living alone, and that is something I am also open to. I genuinely think my husband is my soulmate, so I want to make being together work, and help him achieve his dreams, even if they differ from my own.

I'm curious to hear from poly parents who have children with a current partner and how they manage. Was there any drama from the other partner? Any hurdles you experienced? Any feedback helps. Thank you in advance.

EDIT: Thank you all for your responses. I have a lot of thinking to do and I loved hearing from all of you who were supportive and kind towards me during this tricky time. Adore this community and hope it continues working out for you all!

Looking for similar stories or insight into an unexpected, visceral reaction (unconscious, intuitive) that happened some time ago and that I'm trying to understand.

While discussing attraction with a potential connection, they admitted they'd have sex with a certain person we both know and dislike. They didn't think well of this person, found them stupid and annoying, outright despised them, and then said they'd still fuck them. My immediate internal reaction was like a wave of freezing cold in my insides, like I couldn't help it but I froze. We changed the subject after that but it made me feel really grossed out. I couldn't relate at all, because I need to actually like someone to be physically attracted to them. I could imagine feeling neutral and still being physically attracted to someone, but strong dislike and sex make no sense to me and feel unhealthy.

When I thought about it later, I thought I'm just being judgy because it's none of my business who people fuck and how sexual attraction works for them - if they're turned on by people they despise and dislike, so what... Retrospectively, I regret minimizing that reaction in my own mind. I was so scared of being too judgemental that I disregarded a signal showing a big mismatch in values and attitudes towards interacting with people and the role of sex in those interactions.

I'm curious to hear about times getting the ick was either helpful or an obstacle, and how did you know the difference?

Do you think the ick is intuition or prejudice?

Do you get the ick easily?

Do you usually pay attention to it or try to put it to rest and rationalize it to get over it?

Hi All, I want to thank you for taking the time to read this. I want to ask for insight on talking with partners about each other and introducing them.

I would identify best as Solo Poly, and this is the first time I've had two partners that were not already partnered in long term relationships. I enjoy seeing both of these people, but I can't deny that the relationships feel wildly different. One feels like a float down a lazy river and the other feels like im jumping off a cliff. Both are emotionally intelligent and would want to meet at some point, but I'm honestly not sure how to cope with how different the two connections feel. I want to be genuine with both, but now I worry that because both connections so different that I'm not being genuine to myself. This is my first time being a hinge with two new connections who are also establishing other potential connections. I also worry that because these connections are so different that jealousy has the potential to run rampant.

Do relationships tend to feel so different per person? Are you able to describe it to your other partners in a way that feels genuine?

this conversation I just had with my boyfriend really gave me the ick and I need advice.

My boyfriend and I are poly, I’m his 3rd out of 4 partners. He has a nesting partner, a comet partner, me and one other. I have him and my Dom. Important to note here, he and his nesting partner have a 24/7 dynamic. He and I don’t have anything like that at all.

My Daddy and I live together and have been talking about moving to a 24/7 dynamic as well. We’ve been in a dynamic for 3 years now and want to make it an all the time thing not just in the bedroom.

Boyfriend and I have been together for a little more than a month, maybe 2 at this point, and I was asking him how he does it with his nesting partner when it comes to them having sex outside their relationship. Like do they need ask permission from him (their Dom) beforehand. And he was all gun-ho about how they needed to. Then I bring up that Daddy and I are talking about it too and that’s something Daddy wants control over. Who I sleep with.

Not like he wants to know every little detail, just a simple verbal permission. He’s not controlling who I see or when, what kinds of sexual acts I do, but if I’m going to be engaging in penetrative sex with someone, he wants me to ask permission. Personally, I love that he wants that control over me.

Boyfriend immediately answered with “Ew. I don’t like that”. I asked why, and he said he was my boyfriend and he was the priority, which is something we talked about but never really came to an answer on. I said “you have them as your priority, why can’t I be someone’s?”

In hindsight that wasn’t the best response, but it’s true. Over the short time we’ve been dating, he’s proven to me that I am not the priority. Like getting my texts ignored when he’s with his nesting partner, being left on read, just straight up being told, no he won’t be seeing me when I come home from a month long trip because his partner wants him home. Even when we had time together, he had to be home by 8pm because they needed him to be.

So, TL;DR: Boyfriend doesn’t like that Daddy wants to be in a 24:7 dynamic and have control over certain parts of me. What do?

EDIT: I’m learning the term “polyamory” is likely not the correct way to refer to the situation/relationships. Non-monogamy is a better term.

I’m new to poly but pretty open so when I met a girl that was poly I was fine. I met their partner she seemed nice wanted a kitchen table poly. Okay I can do that. After a few months lesbians do what we do and I uhaul across states to be with her and her partner. Now everything has went to shit. The partner hates me says she will throw me out on the street or I can go to a homeless shelter ( mind you it cost 2k to go cross country and I pay rent.) Before I moved I asked them BOTH if this was okay and what they wanted they said yes.

Now she says seeing me disgust her ( I’m not dating her) I keep out of sight. I learned she abuses my partner. Screams, yells, gaslights, hits her tried to SA her, calls me ever disgusting name you can think of behind my back but she screams so loud I know what she has called me and it’s effected my self-esteem.

She Said she changed her mind. This is the same person that is still seeing people and dating but me and her partner can’t date. First it was she just need move to my own space which I can’t at the moment, to I don’t want you seeing her at all.

Called the cop on her for locking my partner in a room and threatening to lie to the cops to get her arrested.

Her demands are insane, and I’m starting to notice that any time it’s my schedule time with my partner. She has to have someone make her dinner, do stuff for her, or just throw a fit…ect so that I feel like I’m just a bed partner.

I don’t know what to do and can’t really find a way out at the moment. More than anything I feel like a dirty secret. So no I don’t do things like post photos with her, I don’t hold her hand most of the time.

Because I have gotten screamed at by the other girl I keep PDA pretty low to none unless we are alone.

But even alone she is texting her up a storm.

I would never have moved if this is what it was going to be life. I checked a dozen of time with both of them that it was okay.

I Just feel lost.

Help

Hi everyone, I’ll try to keep this short. ​I’m solo poly and in a very transitional phase of my life, so I was looking for something casual. I started dating a mono person, they knew I was poly before we even met in person, and I clearly specified that I wasn't looking to climb the relationship escalator. Also we were just getting to known each other so at this stage I was gauging to see if we are a match for the connection and relationship to continue.
​After talking for a couple of months, we had a fallout because I said I was going to see other people if it happens organically. To me, that was a completely normal thing to say given they already knew I'm poly. For them, however, it felt disrespectful. Their rationale was that even if that's the case, you don't need to say it out loud, because it feels like you're saying, "I'm having fun with you, but I could be having more fun with someone else." ​Eventually, they said they had no problem with me seeing other people and that they would think about whether or not they wanted to know if I did, which was fine by me. But a couple of weeks later, they told me they weren't sure about being open/poly. They said they need to feel secure, implying that I ought to not see other people until they feel secure. ​Mind you, this was something casual. We met a handful of times and chatted for couple of months. So I'm confused. How does "making someone feel emotionally secure" actually work in a casual arrangement? Safety and informed consent are paramount for everyone involved, but I'm struggling to wrap my head around the emotional security side here. ​Am I missing something? It doesn't sit right with me that someone is implying I shouldn't see other people until they feel secure. What if they never feel secure? Besides, if it involves discussing insecurities and working through relationship anxiety, it isn't really casual anymore for me but maybe I'm AITA and it is expected for casual too? For me being honest and transparent is non-negotiable regardless but the emotional security aspect confuses me. ​Of course, if someone realises they simply can't date a poly person, that is completely fine. But they didn't want to stop seeing me, they just said they want to feel secure. ​For context, I haven't even met anyone else during that time since I prefer meeting people organically.

30 cisF, two partners Ash 35 cisM, Willow 25 transNB. I have been with both a little less than a year but have known Ash a lot longer, we were platonic friends before becoming romantic partners. I also am recently divorced from my husband of 10+ years.

I have been struggling with some aspects of sex because of some mild trauma around feeling pressured/guilted into sex from my previous relationship and the kind of cultural scripts of cis/het sex and it’s something I’m actively working on in therapy. However, it has been actively impacting my sexual attraction/sex life with Ash and we have had discussions surrounding it and he has been patient but I feel like he deserves more clarity/definitive decision than just “I’m working on it” and I’m also still feeling this pressure/ticking clock the longer I put off having sex and it has resulted in me having sex I don’t want or avoiding interactions or other forms of intimacy because of it.

I was considering telling Ash that I don’t want to continue to have a sexual relationship with him for the foreseeable future, until I can work on whatever is going on in my head. But I know that will obviously be hurtful and idk the best way to go about it,

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you handle it? How did your other partner respond? Anything you’d do differently in hindsight?

Yes i know how that title sounds. Sorry.

Went through back to back breakups (and friend breakups) a couple months ago and ended up only being left with my Primary partner Aspen . They have other people that theyre seeing.

I had one other person i was friends with / talking to, but that kinda also crashed and burned because of relationship drama and a couple of red flags that I cant really look past.

Im happy for Aspen because they deserve to be happy and these 2 people seem to mend well with them and care about them . Theyre also both gorgeous and i think their styles compliment Aspen's.

This isnt the first time we've had this kind of "imbalance(?)" (I cant remember the last time we were both in other committed relationships at the same time) but contrary to their belief that Im a ball of sunshine and that people gravitate towards me, I feel the opposite.

I feel incredibly low. I struggle with making connections . I feel like im stuck taking a pop quiz while everyone else has an answer key next to them. Im also depressed, autistic, and aro-spec, so that also complicates my desire to even HAVE other partners in the first place. It doesnt help that im also severely turned off to a large number of cis men in my area (catcalling and other piggish behavior), or that its hard to tell when anyone else is genuinely flirting and not just hyping you up.

Comparisons are the thief of joy but sometimes when im alone with my thoughts i start falling into a spiral. Im also depressed outside of this and have questioned if i should just consider myself saturated at one (trying to juggle too much) or if i should hope that therapy works out for me and think i'll probably feel better about Everything later.

This also isnt a hinge or lack of friends / things to do issue. Aspen has been my biggest supporter through all this and constantly reminds me im their #1. My best friends keep me occupied. I have love and support around me, i just struggle with the idea that i deserve it.

Disclaimer that I am not polyamorus and quite out the loop

I am putting together my wedding guest list ahead of my wedding next fall.

My lovely former college flatmate (calling them purple) is polyamorus. The whole time I lived with them they had 2 long-term partners, Green and Blue. Since I moved away, I have seen through social media that they are dating a new person. None of them lived together at the time, and I’m unsure of their living situation since I left the city.

I spent a lot of time with Green, and think she’s great. We went together to a music concert once and have shared interests.

Blue and I simply had a personality clash. Blue was often vocal about disliking my religion (which will be a core theme in the wedding ofc), and I just never formed a friendship with them. I usually avoided them when they were over.

This new partner (yellow), I have never met.

So my question is: Would it be incredibly rude to explicitly invite Purple and Green to my wedding? Should I invite them as a couple (one invite), or as separate friends?

I would be open to them bringing their whole poly family, but, in all honesty, I just don’t want Blue at my wedding as they always made me a little uncomfortable. I don’t want to upset Purple by telling them this.

With regards to yellow, my partner and I have agreed that we don’t want people we have never met at our, relatively, small wedding.

How should I navigate this sensitively?

Hey beautiful people,

I would like to know how you cope and help yourself feel better with challenging situations.

In short my partner recently has started another commited relationship for the very first time since our relationship began.

It's been alot and I'd like to be better at regulating myself.

It's going really well between them and we're currently going through a really rough patch. I know that those circumstances aren't ideal.

I'd just like to know how I can pull my weight in this situation instead of getting stuck on whining and complaining. If I manage to get myself into a better state I'll be able to contribute to resolving the issues better.

What do you usually do in these situations?

My partner also directly requested that I actively try to find ways to handle myself better because it's difficult if I offload my anxiety and issues on her. She's frustrated because there's no progress and I'm repeatedly having difficulties with the same things and topics regarding their other partner. Regarding fear of loss, replacement, comparing myself, etc. And she's getting tired of talking about it.

For context, I(F28) have been with my partner(F29) for about 8 months, my partner has another partner, we'll call him Carl(M24) for a little over a year. She said on several occasions that Carl and I are 50/50 in her mind, complete equals. Carl is not a social person.

Whilst this is my first poly relationship, and I've been on dates with a couple of others over the last few months, I don't have another partner.

A couple of months ago, my partner and I had discussed the possibility of Me, Her and Carl all living together. Of course with all with separate bedrooms.

Fast forward a couple of months, my partner casually mentions that she has been looking at studio apartments with Carl. Going firmly against what had been discussed before.

Given that we spend a lot of time on voice calls or with me occasionally staying over/hanging out at hers, I feel like this would fundamentally change the shape of our relationship.

I was understandably upset, feelings which she kind of brushed aside and didn't want to address. To the extent that when I tried to discuss them with her, she disappeared to the bathroom and when she returned pretended like nothing had happened. Each time I've asked about where she'd like to see the relationship going, she closes up on me or is vague and deflects.

After a couple more conversations, I came to the conclusion that I should just accept this is the trend and realised I needed to withdraw a bit from the intensity of the relationship, spending more time with friends and pursuing other interests.

However since then it feels like she's been trying to immerse herself in whatever I'm doing, and discussed hanging out with those I've been organising hanging out with.

When I make plans for a particular day, she wants to make conflicting plans or asks me to hangout instead.

I feel like I'm trying to form new connections and she's trying to get involved.

When she wants something I feel like she's got too used to me just falling in-line and now that I'm not doing that I feel like the problem.

I love her to bits, but there feels like this push and pull with the attention she gives me, but now that I'm doing my own thing more I'm making her sad. She says she wants to see me and spend time with me, but her actions don't reflect that.

Is anyone here still taking precautions around covid? How do you find people to date?

My NP/spouse is immunocompromised. I've had covid once (managed not to infect them!) and it was absolutely brutal, and the resulting disability almost killed me. I'm starting to recover to the point where I can go outside more and interact with people.

Spouse is asexual/demiromantic and not actively seeking another partner (although I think they're developing a crush on a friend, which is fun to watch). I'm more sexual/kinky of the two of us, but I've limited myself to online relationships and flirting. Lately even people who say they want online-only have been pushing for meetups or fizzling out.

I get it! I would really like a physical relationship too, but it's hard to find someone without putting my household at risk. Obviously I'm vaccinated and I mask indoors whenever I can, but it's really hard to screen for people who take similar precautions. If anyone else is in a similar boat, what do you do?

PS: If you're here to tell me I'm stupid for still caring about covid, don't bother. You're not going to change my mind or upset me, so just go bug someone else.

So first of all, I would like to say, my life feels genuinely complete now with my husband and who we fondly consider in our hearts to be our dear wife, even though we can't legally marry together. My husband was heartbroken to hear that we can't legally marry her, and offered to divorce me in the future so I could marry her lol. (It's ok, he's a silly guy and doesn't know that divorce is complicated.) She made me think so much about Plato's Symposium trying to find our missing pieces, or like a puzzle. It was like love at first sight, and now we 3 are now inseparable! We got matching jewelry at Claire's, she got us all build-a-bears, and he gave her one of the enso rings that we have, so we have matching wedding rings. We can't wait to move in together and make a home full of love, care, joy, and diverse culture! (I'm Salvadorian-American, He is Romanian, and She is Hongkonger-American.)

The thing I'm worried about is that we live in the southern USA, and given that I've never seen anyone LGBT kiss in public, let alone a poly couple in public, I'm worried about anything bad happening to us. We made an agreement that we'll work hard to move to somewhere more accepting. So now, I encourage her and him to be more forward with each other in public, because I want her to feel just as loved as I have been and more! Also, my parents would never approve, so I don't think we should tell them. They are already upset about me and my husband moving out, even though we are married grown adults, but they are Jehovah's Witnesses and they still want to control me and him even though we are not Jehovah's Witnesses and he is not their child. I've tried to introduce her to my mom, but she has been so rude to her imo, which really makes me really upset. My husband's family lives in the UK, but they probably wouldn't approve, as they are catholic Romanians and I would describe his family as a dysfunctional disaster.

Anyways, her parents adore us and they are beyond overjoyed about us basically joining their family and have been showering us with gifts. Yesterday, my husband and wife went on a trip with her family to go shopping at H mart and I'm so excited to see what they got! I unfortunately had to stay behind because I work a M-F 9-5. We're still developing our relationship, and I look forward to every day I get to spend with us together, especially the weekends.

I hope I've also done my due diligence with details to show that we're not unicorn hunters or anything bad like that. If he ever wants to try to be with a guy, we're ok with that too cuz we talked about it, but I know that he has childhood trauma, and we think he is biromantic but not bisexual.

Thank you for reading :3

advice welcomed. I am poly, have been for the last decade. it brings me a good amount of joy. I've been with my current partner for 5 months now, and it's a wonderful relationship. I feel validated and considered always. I like my metas. the problem here is this. I am a bit jealous of my partner. it finds it incredibly easy to meet people, and I have been trying the last couple months to find someone new to date or even be casual with, and even when it goes well at first, it eventually (and often suddenly) ends with being ghosted or the other person saying they're "not ready" to explore romantically. I am audhd af lol, so rejection sensitivity is a thing, and a lot of people locally are more so looking to hookup than date (fine on occasion, I suppose). I'm just finding it difficult right now, as my partner's physical connections broadens, my physical and romantic connections recently have hit another sudden standstill. any advice for being patient with myself while I look for new connections? the jealousy comes and goes in waves like any emotion, but wanting another partner, and a more primary partner is something that's been on my heart more lately.

I left my monogamous 26 year relationship 6 months ago. I had multiple affairs, my ex had no empathy or emotional intelligence. I have always been curious about poly. Recently I met the most amazing solo poly man, and we are very into one another. He has one other partner and a few FWB. I had been dating, but had terrible experiences, with most men being all about sex and not being able to handle how emotionally attached I become.

I am feeling overwhelmed by my feelings for this man. He is very attentive and connected, but I have spiralled a couple of times when I know he is with his other partner and out of contact.
I have three kids and almost full custody, so I have to hide my relationship with him for now, which is bringing up the feelings I had when I was having affairs.

I've been feeling like I wish he would leave his other partner and become monogamous with me, which I realise is not reasonable or realistic.

For context, I have raging ADHD, as does he, and we vibe in a way I've never experienced with anyone else. I don't have the time, energy, or courage to explore dating anyone else, because right now I feel like all my needs are met, but I'm terrified I'm not actually poly and really just want a traditional relationship with someone who is pretty much exactly like him, but now the bar is set high and I don't want to give up what could be a beautiful connection with him. I am aware of the massive dopamine rush I am getting from him, but I don't know how to manage the come down.

It's all very new and I'm struggling with the unknown and pacing myself. He's said he's very committed to me, and his given me no reason to doubt his affection. For now he has said he will not talk about his other partner, but that feels like he has to hide something that is very important to him from me, and I don't like how that feels. My spirals happen when I am alone and feeling like I need comfort, and they are able to give it to each other.

I've tried all the loving myself, dating myself, doing things that make me happy alone. But I really want to share my life with someone, while maintaining my independence and freedom.

Apologies in advance, i think I missed some info that may be relevant.

I (30f) dated Him (40m) for only about a month, we met on feeld, he was married and poly. It was Jan 2026 my life was a mess, I was about to leave my city and 10,000 other things were happening. I was so stressed I was crying everyday- too many details, I digress. I wasn't expecting to fall for anyone, wasn't expecting to do more than just have some fun dates to relax and distract from life.

I met Him, and we had so much fun. There was a lot of genuine and calm connection, as well as fun spicy times. He would come over 2 nights a week, and we only went on 2 proper dates, but the time together was cozy and nice.

He was working a ton, and has a toddler with his wife, and she did know about me.

When we first met I asked- what are your boundaries in poly. I don't like dating poly people with a "don't ask, don't tell" policy- as I find that it leads to a lot of weird emotions, weird secrecy. IMO If you are doing poly, you are doing it to face the fears you have around jealousy, face insecurities with your partner, and learn about such open communication that it is scary- and that is how you can ultimately be closer.

He told me they talk about everything, that his wife dated and fell in love with someone, how they talked about it and how it was difficult - and then when it ended badly, how they worked through that. His wife sounded awesome, I said I would love to meet her. He said she would be down, she's awesome and they are always growing their community.

Love it.

Fast forward, we form a deep and fast connection. I'm leaving, it's sad, but I would be back in a month or two and we could reconnect. The goodbye day was going to be sad but I like to look at life through the lenses of hopeful positivity:)

So, I go to their place, we have tea, we're chatting and cuddling. Then he says, we need to talk. I ask if this is a "sit up" conversation. He says yes. I put my tea down and go to sit up, he hold me closer and says he just wants to sit like this for a bit. I can tell he is holding back tears, so I know it's more serious.

When we chat, in short he talks about how he can tell his wife is being negatively effected by our relationship and we need to end things. Or pause or... I dunno. I was leaving, but thought we might stay in contact. I cry, but I'm okay. We cannot have sex- not bc we are at their house, bc they do that w other people plenty, but bc it's... me. I do ask for a lot of clarity- do you want to remain friends? In contact? Totally cut ties? I just love clarity- he does not know bc he actually hasn't talk to his wife about this, and she has not actually said anything.

I'm like... that's weird. If you guys are open w communication, why has there been no discussion over me?

He drives me to the train, and I ask some pointed questions about him and his wife and them being poly- cause I'm trying to understand why I feel blindsided. Why would you say you can full on date people.. if you can't?

Turns out, his wife like 0 details. He loves details. She wants to know nothing. I ask more questions about their poly history, basically.. they are more like singers and have carte blanche on doing spicy things.

So. If I had known this, I probably wouldn't have enmeshed myself with someone. Because this poly foundation is messy imo.

I've seen him every time I've been back in my city this year, and he said he is really looking forward to seeing me in August. But I am not.. I do care for him. But, I also feel like I got the shit end of the stick - not because I should be as important as his wife or anything like that- but bc I was sold a story that didn't align, leaving me feel sad and a bit heart broken over this beautiful connection THAT I NEVER WOULD HAVE MADE!

If I see him again, I would tell him how hurt I was in Feb before I left, how he told me one thing- but how what he told me is actually a lie and misleading, and also how unhealthy poly is when one party is on a "don't ask don't tell" model and the other is not. How you lose out on the evolution that Poly can bring to a relationship.

But, should I say anything?

Over a month ago, my comet partner invited me to join him on a business trip. It was far enough from me that flying would be preferable, but driving is possible. (Roughly 850 miles each way)

He sent me a message today saying that his wife had decided she wanted to come on the trip. I would have been driving next Monday. She was unaware of our plans and very rarely joins him on business trips. Their dynamic is that family comes first and he didn't want to tell her no because he does travel quite a bit and she doesn't always get a ton of time with him either.

I get it. I really do. And I accept that family comes first. But... Fuck, man. Do you know what it took for me to make this happen? Changing doctor's appointments, taking days of work, my husband working his ass off the last couple of weeks so that he could work a shorter week when I was gone. Making arrangements so the kids had adequate child care. I had planned out which audio books to listen to and what snacks I wanted to bring.

I'm disappointed. And sad. And I miss my friend. And I love my meta, she takes such good care of our partner, but I really wish she hadn't changed the plan on me. Yes, yes, I know that my partner could also have told her no. I don't need advice. I just needed to get that out.

Edit to add: I'm not mad at comet or meta. I'm not looking to change the comet nature of the relationship. He always reminds me before inviting me to meet him that sometimes things change or emergencies happen at work so plans can change. It's happened before but on a smaller scale. He didn't tell his wife before hand because it wouldn't have affected her. They are hierarchical and that's something he told me right up front she comes first. I've accepted that.

I was just really looking forward to this trip and needed some sympathy. Thank you to those that gave me that.

So I identify as ambiamorous (being alr w both: mono and poly relationships), but i feel like i still kinda struggle/questioning being polyamorous even if i like whole concept (but i m still new to it/dont know much about polyamory or i've never been in polyamory relationship, only monoamorous) I think i would like being in poly relationship, beceause i dont know why but i feel like it would gave me comfort? ofc i would be satisfied/alr with being "only" in monoamorous relationship cause i love my partner, etc. , but for some reason i kinda feel like "more partners= more comfort/security" and now i dont mean it in way they would do everything and i would do nothing, i just mean it in general if u get what i mean but there are 2 negatives of polyamory i m kinda afraid of:

1. i m afraid of being exhausted from having multiple partners, cause i would want to love and spend time w them equally but i m afraid it would be really exhausting for me

2. jelaousy, i know polyamory is about equality, respect, communication etc. but i m still jelaous person, specifically when it comes to relationships (platonic and romantic ones) so when i see friend hanging out w someone else it sometimes (but not always) it makes me upset, so i m worried if my partner had other partner (so we would be in V polyamory relationship) i m afraid i would be jelaous/feel uncomfy w that person

so i think i would be alr w polyamory if i was "the one" dating for example two people and then it would be up to those two if they wanna date each other as well or only me (but ofc if they feel comfy with it as well) i hope this doesnt sounds rude, i just need help to understand/more research on polyamory + also some advices how to get over being jealous when someone i like spend time w someone els

I am about 10 years into poly and still feel like a newbie. I have been in two very serious relationships for a long time. One for twelve and the other for eight years.

They started out friends with one another but after a few years things went to shit and my partners are not on speaking terms. Before things went to shit, I was able to commit very deeply to both, and since then I’ve been trying to maintain that to some level of dissatisfaction by all.

Let me try to be more specific. When everyone got along I was able to spend more than 50% of my time with each because a sizable amount of time could be spent with them simultaneously.

Since then I spend about fifty fifty of my time living with each. But in everyone’s perfect world, we’d have more than that.

To top it off, I’m naturally adverse to phone calls and regular texting. Not great for poly, I know. So both of my partners complain that I “disappear” when with the other. I’ve tried to change my behavior for years but for whatever reason, it’s been too difficult for me to keep up with regularity. It just feels like my brain can’t work that way and it feels like a chore despite loving my partners so deeply. It ends up being cycles of doing a great job rotated with doing a poor job of meeting their individual needs.

All in all, both my partners want more. And I obviously just don’t have the capacity. I’m stretched too thin and have known for years.

I’ve been with each for so long, I don’t know how to get to where I need to be.

It often feels like I have to choose one and make that one person happy instead of failing two people over and over again.

I feel so fucked. I don’t want to disappoint. I don’t want to break up with anyone. I don’t have the energy to consistently maintain more than what I have been giving. I feel like I’ve been honest about this to both. I feel selfish.

Thanks for reading.

Hi!

So I recently started dipping my toes into polyamory, my initial approach was to just raw dog it and learn the skills needed through learning by doing. As well as to utilize the knowledge and experience of my (potential) partners. I have read several articles and online resources and listen semi regularly to the multiamory podcast.

I never had a monogamous relationship before asides a single situationship that only lasted 3 months. So most of my relationship skills stem from friendships and therapy.

So after further consideration I decided to threw the “rawdogging” approach out of the window and actually do my homework before throwing myself into having to deal with building and maintaining multiple parallel relationships at once.

I believe relevant Topics include:

- self reflection and setting goals
-deciding what kind of polyamory I want to try
- finding out what I want from a relationship
-finding out what requirements and boundaries I have for a partner person.
-exploring and setting my boundaries
-how to build the relationship framework with my partner
-how to maintain a healthy polycule
-jealousy
-expectations
-Trauma and relationship anxiety (I have cptsd and borderline)
(I probably forget things that are important, feel free to suggest other topics I overlooked)

The problem with most of the resources and books I could find is that they almost exclusively focus on either couples who want to open their relationships up. Or assume that the reader already brings experience from monagamous relationships beforehand (especially a lot of polysecures advice is to analyze old relationships)
This makes it only limitedly useful for me who didn’t go that route

Ive actually never posted anything onto Reddit before, but I dont know where else to turn to and could really use some advice. I, 25yF, met this couple in the beginning of May. I met them online, and right away we hit it off. For context I've been a unicorn for other couples, but I've always just done one time things and never anything serious with my past experiences. This couple, 25yM and 31yF, were very upfront in the beginning of their expectations and how they were looking for a girlfriend. I was open to the idea and the more I got to know them the more I started to have real feelings for both of them. The relationship was mainly going to be with her as he works out of state for months on end. I would talk to both of them everyday and I would see her whenever we both were available which was typically on the weekends.

During this time of getting to know each other, I opened up to them a lot. I recently went through some trauma 1-2 years back and I felt comfortable enough to share what I had been through with them. It was very hard to do as it is something i dont generally share with most people. Also side note, i still struggle a lot with my mental health as a result of my trauma but it has been something i have managed with therapy and have been pretty stable for almost a year now.

More than 2 months have passed, and in that time we had two separate instances where there were some disagreements. The first was due to miscommunication with him. After sitting on it for a day, I expressed how I didn't appreciate his tone and how there are better ways to say something, especially when I hadn't earned anything to deserve being spoken to like that. We had a pretty productive conversation about it and were able to move past it. Things were good again and we were all going on as usual.

Then some time passes and the second altercation takes place. This time it was with her. I do recognize that I had fault in it just as much as she did. I had attempted to make plans with her 3x that week, unfortunately something always came up. The first cancellation I will say I had fault in because I asked if we could reschedule our plans for the beach that weekend to another time. That same week was when I had too many bills pile up and it was going to be difficult for me to contribute to any costs that we'd have to make the trip. The next 2 cancellations were also not her fault, she was experiencing some health issues and was not feeling well. Where I went wrong, was my reaction. I let myself be controlled by my emotions. I had already been feeling so distant with her. I felt as if I was making all the effort to see her and of the few phone calls we had, I was always the one initiating. Those feelings, on top of all the cancellations, it made me really upset. Especially finding out that the night she was supposed to come over but cancelled last minute, she was on the phone with him watching a movie together. I tried so hard to be understanding, because I get her not feeling good, but then she's still didnt try to call me to maybe watch a movie through facetime together like they do. i just felt tossed aside. after that i started giving less and less of my attention to her. it felt like i was a chore and i hated that feeling. i was distant with him too but still messaging every few hours. 3 days passed and she addressed the shift from the past few days. we had a really tough conversation and we both aired out what we needed to say. we apologized to each other and promised to work on the parts we were lacking. It was a mutual agreement to continue this.

That week she made more effort to call me, and i remember feeling so happy when she did because now it felt like she was trying. She made plans to take me out to this really nice restaurant and I would stay the weekend. Everything was nice. I felt myself falling for her more and more. Then Sunday when I left we hugged and kissed goodbye. I had been messaging them both throughout the day, as we normally do. He would be sweet and call me things like "baby" "my beautiful girl" "mi amor" and he would act possessive and jealous. Come Monday, everything was still normal, nothing that seemed out of the ordinary for me. He called me in the morning and we had a short but cute conversation. I went to work and messages were still being exchanged constantly.

And then around 2/3pm, I literally felt slapped in the face. I received a message from her in our group chat. A very vague message. Along the lines of "it's been a few months of us getting to know each other, pissing each other off, and enjoying each other, but we're not settled in yet moving back (recently moved back down from another city) and im not even sure if i will be staying" she said they had talked about it and came to the agreement to end things now before getting more attached. I stared at my phone. For a long while. I think I was in shock for some time because I didn't even react. I just sent a quick "thank you for letting me know, wish yall the best" reply and went about my day. It wasnt until I got home that I was processing it and started feeling the ache in my heart. I was blindsided. I felt so so stupid. I waited a few hours to see if they would give me any type of explanation or try to shed some light into their decision.

I replayed every conversation we had to see where the shift happened and tried to think of any clues I might have missed. I cracked, I sent him a message to see if I could get some clarification. I was not going to beg or try to change their minds. I just wanted a conversation. Also keep in mind, they had 2 experiences with inviting another partner and the very first girl, they told me about how they talked to her over the phone explaining why they were ending things. He didn't message back. I tried to nap to get my mind off it but no such luck. I roamed through my socials just to see he blocked me on everything. I think that's when my anger started to form because now we were going to that level. I blocked him, I blocked her, I deleted every trace of them on my phone. Every photo, every shared note, every song recommendation they gave me. The only thing left was their phone number. But I didnt have the strength to finalize that. Not yet. I still had hope that they would talk to me about it. I ended up sending her a message. I admit I was a little angry in the beginning of that message but ended it with "i hope you get everything you're looking for in life" Later that night, he ends up responding to my message. "I know.." i saw it the second it came through because i was laying on my bed watching a movie on my phone. A few seconds later, he unsends it. I dont remember if i felt angry or if at this point I was starting to feel numb. I went back to watching my movie and fell asleep.

The next day, it consumed my every thought. I journaled. A lot. I wrote every racing thought that was coming in 100 miles per hour. I wasnt planning on sending anymore messages to them. But I felt I owed it more to myself to say my peace before officially closing this chapter.
I wrote about what I was feeling. How it felt like they didn't like me but just the idea of me. The real version of myself was not what they signed up for, despite their words to say I was never "too much". I spoke about what i was feeling for a while now but never voiced it.
About always feeling like an outsider, never really invited in. They always had each other to fall back on, to talk about this new experience with, to talk about things when it got rough. I didnt have that. I couldn't talk about those things with anyone.
I spoke about how i was expected to talk about my feelings when I couldn't get the same courtesy from them.
I said "f*** you" for being so inconsiderate. For having that conversation with each other but neither of them had tried to have that discussion with me. I got one very vague message and it showed just how little they thought of me and how these past 2 months were nothing. I was nothing. I specified how I was not upset at their decision to not move forward with this, but with the way they decided to do it. I felt I was owed a little more respect.
I mentioned how I wondered what they would say about me to the next girl and how they would make the narrative fit them. Maybe I was "too emotional" "too sensitive" "too clingy".
I gave them both criticism of what they needed to work on and to figure their s*** out before involving someone else in their relationship.
My message ended with "all the love" and blocked both of their numbers. it was so hard, but i also felt a sigh of relief. like i was finally able to let out a breath in the past 2 days.

That was yesterday. Today Ive held up better than expected, but probably because ive kept busy and occupied my mind in other things. When Im alone with my thoughts is when I start to wander there and I get this ache to look through our messages. I miss them both so much and it hurts to know they were evil enough to treat me like that after knowing my pain and struggles.

I know a part of me is always going to want those answers. Why? What was it that completely changed your mind about me? Why didn't you just talk to me like you had the previous times? Why was it so easy for you to treat me like I meant absolutely nothing? I just need closure, and I'm trying to make peace with the fact that I'll never know those answers. But how can I still get closure? How can I move forward without the fear of being vulnerable with someone new again?

My partner 36(F) and me 31(F), have been in a monogamous relationship for the past 3.5 years. She has always been the one who has been clear monogamous relationships are her thing. I have always been someone who would follow my partner’s lead in these matters because I am okay with either.

But 2 weeks ago she told she is attracted to another friend 58(F) of ours. They have been talking for a while since this friend’s mother died recently and now they feel a connection which is greater than friendship. This woman doesn’t even live in India, she is married and has 2 daughters, one of them my age.

And she wants to explore what she can have with this woman, but I have primal panic kick in. I had my chances in the past but never acted because we actually have a very fun relationship. Even after 3.5 years of being together, we are as alive as we were when we met.

Its not like we had fights or something and we drifted apart. I have just been away for work in the last one year and this woman has become close to my girlfriend since then.

My girlfriend wants to be with both of us, but I am not okay with that, but I also dont want to lose my relationship over this.
How does one navigate this? My girlfriend is my best friend, my confidant, my partner, and my family.

Im (43f) currently dating a couple (in addition to my long-term polycule) and they wanted to join me for lunch yesterday for my birthday. One was coming from the store so they arrived at different times, and while im naked in bed with the first I hear the front door.

"Hello?" It's Dani.

"OH hi Dani! Cmon on in and give me kisses, im nearly done fucking your husband" 😆

Dani comes in and gives me kisses and asks "Do you need a hand?😏"

Then we finish up and rinse off and make lunch and my nesting partner joins us and it's a delightful afternoon 😊

I am the hinge between both of my boyfriends who aren't super close with each other and don't interact with each other often. I'm long distance with both of them simply due to where I am in my life and I see them every few months if I'm lucky. I have a weekend coming up where I'm going to see one of them (Aspen) Saturday and one of them (Birch) Sunday, and neither of them know that I'm going to see the other that same weekend. I'm trying to decide if I should tell them or not, because I've been trying to keep the relationships separate and I think just telling each of them I'm busy on the other day might be fine and might spare feelings, or I could just not mention it at all, but I'm worried about one of them (specifically Birch) feeling betrayed if they found out I kept it from them.

How do you decide what partners know about each other and what they don't? Did you have a conversation with each partner about what they'd like to know and go from there?

Edit: Thank you for the variety of responses! I did end up talking to Birch about where his boundary was on knowing about hangouts/dates and ended up telling him. There's been a lot of other food for thought from the comments, so again thanks!

We've known each other for two years, and we were extremely close. When we first met, I was of course solo poly, but she was single and monogamous. She started to become more interested in solo poly herself, seeing how I was living. We had so many talks about how supportive female friendship was what got us through the hard times, and she was so enthusiastic about how solo poly let her keep close friendships.

I was supportive of her trying out the dating style, and it seemed to be going well for her. Recently, she met a monogamous guy, and she decided to be monogamous with him. Obviously, I was supportive of her in this, too.

As soon as they established that they were in a serious relationship, it was like our whole friendship was under review. She seemed to be combing back through the last two years for reasons why I might be a threat, retroactively calling me out for things, and skewing the facts. She accused me of flirting with her boyfriend (definitely untrue), and basically just said she was no longer comfortable around me.

I've been stunned at how quickly she snapped the door closed against me as soon as she had a monogamous relationship locked down. I know she must be having a hard time, and it's not my fault, but she said some pretty fucked-up things about me in a series of long texts, which she sent at like 6 am the other day.

"I haven't been sure of your intentions, but tried to trust that since I said we were monogamous, you would be respectful. [...] If you can respect that I don't want my close community used as a poly dating pool, and that I don't want you to openly flirt with [partner], after some space, I think we can remain friends."

Etcetera, etcetera. She gave examples of what she was talking about that were wildly skewed -- for example, months ago, a friend of hers had asked her for my number. She had told me about it, and I said she could give him my number. It didn't go anywhere, since I pretty quickly asked if he was polyamorous, and he said no. In her novel-length texts, she characterized this as me "asking her to connect me with her male friends as romantic prospects." There was more like that, where men had done something, like her boyfriend sending me and my partner a shirtless picture in a group chat, and yet I somehow was to blame for what these other people did. It was wildly switching up cause and effect.

It was so obvious that she had already made up her mind that I was the problem, and that she was just kind of making up an alternate version of reality where I always had been. I tried to point out some of the factual inaccuracies, and she said she "didn't want to argue the details with me."

Folks, it f*cking sucks to be hit with a good friend suddenly rejecting your whole being, because she's started dating a guy, and the relationship is insecure. /vent over

I'm typically long winded, so I'm going to try and make this short.

Me and my two partners have been in a triad 6+ years. Two of us, me and Blue, have great insurance. Green has awful insurance but the most health problems.

If I could marry both of them, I would. Legally, not an option. So me and Green are discussing legal marriage to save her potentially thousands of dollars.

We want a really good Pre-Nup and things to go smoothly. Do you have any advice for being in a similar situation? What kind of lawyer did you seek out for a Pre-Nup?

In this sub, when people post about their meta’s feelings or struggles or issues between their partner and meta, it’s usually met with “why is hinge telling you this?“ Which I totally get.

At the same time, it’s important to vet whether a potential partner or date or even someone you’ve been seeing for a while actually has a fully autonomous relationship to offer you.

I want to know if my partners‘ attention, time, and openness is contingent on how meta is feeling or on issues in their other relationship.

But I can also understand that a response to that would be “if your partner isn’t offering you the time, attention, and openness you crave, does it matter why?”

I think yes, it does matter why to me, but I’m not sure why it matters, and I want to hear from other folks about this.

If, for example, my partner’s kids have a bunch of activities one week or are going through something or whatever, I feel much different than if meta is feeling insecure about hinge’s relationship with me, and so they are redirecting more time and attention to them in order to soothe them.

There’s something that feels fundamentally less secure knowing that my relationship might be dependent on another grown adult’s feelings about me, about polyamory, their jealousies or insecurities, etc.

To me this seems like a contradiction that I can’t quite grasp: 1. we shouldn’t know about issues in other relationships, 2. if hinge wants to shift time or attention it’s better for hinge to say “hey, I won’t be as available this week, but I can’t wait to see you next week,” rather than divulging why, versus 3. do polyamory with people who have independent relationships to offer you

- Can “good hingeing” prevent us from clearly seeing the relationship for what it is? Does it actually hide significant enmeshment rather than show good boundaries?

- If I don’t want to be in relationships where someone else’s feelings about me (or poly insecurities) impact how hinge shows up with me, but their good hingeing doesn’t reveal that’s the cause of shifts or inconsistencies, am I able to give informed consent to be in the relationship?

- I am generally ok with things shifting, but for whatever reason I’m not ok with things shifting because of another partner’s jealousy. Is that just a me issue?

I’m wondering how de-escalating relationships actually works, and I’ve no idea where to start looking to find that information out.

The reason I’m wanting to learn more about this is specifically because I (24 f) have been having some problems in my relationship with my girlfriend (31 f). There were some miscommunications which lead to choices she made which caused me a lot of hurt. We’ve not yet repaired from that (initial event was six months ago, hurt has continued to build on that for me since) and there’s been some more recent things she’s said which I found to be really hurtful.

I still think we may be able to repair, but I’m not sure I’ll ever feel as completely secure with her as I used to. She has other partners (I do not, this is also my first ever romantic relationship) but has previously made comments that she feels closest to me (this was months ago now that she said this, but she did say it on several occasions), so I don’t want to upset her and I also don’t want to lose her, but I can’t keep feeling this way in our relationship.
Maybe once we’ve talked I’ll feel we can repair and we can get to how we once were, but I want to look into what “de-escalation” actually is anyway. Maybe it’s a way for us to continue the aspects of our relationship which are really good and which I know we both really value, but that puts a stop to me experiencing so much emotional distress?