The software that we sell is not subscription-based, but buy once. They come with a year of free tech support. A caller is having an issue and needs to be walked through installing a patch update.

Me: “Okay, sir, as your product is older than a year, I’m going to need to bill your account $20 for this fix. Please acknowledge this and—”

Caller: “Excuuuuuse me?! I will do no such thing! You will help me for free!”

Me: “Sir, since you have an older version of the software and you’re choosing not to purchase the latest version, this is the only way to keep your product viable.”

Caller: “I have been a loyal customer for years, and you will do this for me for free!”

Me: “Sir, you’re using the 2008 version of our software and are trying to keep it running in 2025. You haven’t spent a penny on us for seventeen years. You options are to spend $550 on the 2025 version, or $20 to keep your current version on life support a little longer.”

Caller: “…Fine. But your program sucks anyway.”

Then why have you been using it for seventeen years?!

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank], my name is [My Name], how may I assist you?”

Caller: “I need to dispute a charge. Do you have my account information?”

Me: “Yes, I do. What’s the date of the transaction?”

Caller: “It’s for $56.08.”

Me: “Okay, thank you, and what was the date of the transaction?”

Caller: “It was for Miss Stacy’s Antique Stores.”

Me: *Typing in the name of the merchant in the search bar.* “Thank you, and do you happen to remember the date of the transaction?”

Caller: “It’s in Tennessee.”

Me: “…Okay, I believe I found the transaction with the information you did provide.”

This call wasn’t that bad, but I found it funny that she would literally give me everything but the date. I don’t know why she wouldn’t just say she didn’t remember so I would stop asking.

Me: “Do you give me permission to discuss your account with a third party on the line?”

Customer: “…who’s the first and second party?”

Me: “That’s… you and me.”

Customer: “I didn’t agree to be no party!”

Caller: “Hi, I’m on your website. It says you don’t have any rooms available on the weekend of 19^th-22^nd?”

Me: “This month? That’s correct; we’re all sold out.”

Caller: “But that can’t be right!”

Me: “I’m afraid that is the case.”

Caller: “But you don’t understand… that can’t be right! You can’t be sold out of rooms!”

Me: “Why?”

Caller: “Because I want one!”

Related:
Some People Have Never Been Told “No” And It Shows, Part 18
Some People Have Never Been Told “No” And It Shows, Part 17
Some People Have Never Been Told “No” And It Shows, Part 16
Some People Have Never Been Told “No” And It Shows, Part 15
Some People Have Never Been Told “No” And It Shows, Part 14

A caller confirms his name and order number, stating he’s been having issues trying to process a return online.

Caller: “Your system says my return window closes tonight at midnight!”

Me: “Correct, but that time has already passed, I’m afraid.”

Caller: “It’s only 9:45!”

Me: “The deadline is based on our warehouse’s time zone.”

Caller: “So change it.”

Me: “…change what?”

Caller: “Change the warehouse clock so it counts as earlier. Move it back three hours.”

I pause, because I genuinely don’t know how to respond without laughing.

Me: “Sir… I can’t alter time.”

Caller: “You don’t need to alter time! Just tell the warehouse system it’s earlier. Make it think it’s Pacific time.”

Me: “It doesn’t… work like that, sir.”

Caller: “Look, I just need you to make it say I’m on time. It’s still today where I am.”

Me: “Unfortunately, the return window is universal for all customers. Midnight Eastern.”

Caller: “If you people knew how time zones worked, you’d be more flexible!”

He hangs up, furious that we did not change time.

Related:
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 31
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 30
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 29
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 28
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 27