Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My sister, “Louisa,” is two years younger than I am. (I’m now 42, and she’s 40.) As a kid, I loved dolls, and played with them into ninth grade. My favorite were my American Girl dolls. I had Molly and Kirsten, and a wide variety of the furniture and accessories for both because it was all I asked for every birthday and holiday. My mom also loved dolls, so I think she was happy to spoil me in this way. Louisa was the opposite. She was social and sporty and almost never wanted to play inside. She never played with dolls and was more interested in Lego and building toys as a kid, and grew out of them much earlier than I did even though I was older. Now we’re both moms, and she wants my dolls.
I have a 8-year-old son and she has a two daughters, 6 and 4. My Molly and Kristen dolls (and all the furniture, etc.) are packed away in the attic of our parents’ house. Louisa suggested that I could give them to her girls for Christmas this year. But the idea of it really upsets me. When I was pregnant with my son, I thought maybe he’d want the dolls eventually, but it became clear within a few years he was not going to be a doll-playing kid! And that’s held true. I love my nieces, but something about giving them the dolls doesn’t sit right with me. My sister says I’m being selfish. I can’t really give her a good reason why I’d rather the dolls stay in the attic, but that’s what feels right to me. My mom says they’re my dolls and I can do what I want with them, but maybe it would be nice for them to have a second life with my nieces. I just don’t know what to do.
—American Girl
Dear American Girl,
I also have some American Girls dolls in my attic that I can’t bear to part with. Stuff is weird! We know it’s just stuff, and yet, it’s powerful. It’s fraught. It’s hard to give your beloved dolls to your little sister who hated dolls, even if they’re for her kids. So don’t! They won’t appreciate them like you do, anyway—how could they. It makes you feel good to have your dolls in the attic.
It seems like both your mom and sister have a mental block on buying new dolls though, so why don’t you rip that Band-Aid. Get the girls new (or used!) American Girl dolls for Christmas. Make it a joint gift with your mom, maybe. See how they take to them. Maybe they’ll love them and inspire you to share. Or maybe they’ll make quick work of cutting their hair and giving them Magic Marker tattoos and you can feel smug about your decision.
—Logan
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