People who avoid friendships at work because “coworkers are not your friends”, often do not understand what relationships actually are.
The rise of people in Gen Z purposely avoiding coworker friendships is deeply troubling to me, considering the current loneliness epidemic.
All relationships are context-dependent and transactional. It is impossible for them not to be, that’s literally how relationships work, and they bloom in proximally sharing in situations together (e.g a job). Just like they would in tribal communities.
Most importantly, they are all reliant on structures that are in flux. They are all real relationships, because that is all relationships are.
You can have work-based friends, book group-based friends, uni-based friends etc. None of them are any more or less valid than the other. Even if they are temporary, most relationships are. That does not inherently devalue them.
In a lot of jobs, natural work-friendships will be pretty difficult to avoid. It’s okay if you legitimately dislike/don’t gel well with particular individuals, but if not, then forcing yourself to go against the friendship-forming grain by just preemptively ✨grey-rocking✨ everyone, purely “because they’re coworkers”?
This will make for such an unnecessarily miserable experience for both you and other people.
And for what? Because they might betray you?
I’m not saying you have to be the most intimate friends in the world, and there’s nothing wrong with being slightly prudent about what you share in respect to context (like literally any relationship)…
But you will frequently spend literal hours of your days at your jobs, they will take up a substantial portion of your life. The phrase “it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” also exists for a very good reason.
You may wish more people just emptily did their job without trying to be chummy, and went home. But I do not, and will fight tooth and nail for that to not be normalised.
We only live once, we could die any moment, none of us asked to be born and we are all in this together.
So if I can milk even a single modicum of joy out of a day in my existence by trying to form friendships in the workplace, I will.
Coworkers absolutely can be your friends, and you should be embracing that, you miserable git ❤️
P.S. In case you’re wondering, no I’m not an extravert. I’m very introverted and still have this opinion.
Coworkers can be friends, sure, my problem is when I leave and those friendships stop. To me, a friendship exists outside of work, and most coworker friendships exist at work only. That seems more akin to an acquaintance to me.
Honestly, we need to bring that word, "acquaintance" back into the mainstream. Schools and kids shows have them calling everyone a "friend", even strangers. Friend is a special kind of relationship, not everyone is a friend and "acquaintance" sure seems to be the more accurate label for what most people are calling friends nowadays anyway.
Yes! People need to use this word more! Just because you get along with someone, it doesn't mean you two are friends!
Imagine how rude it would be to introduce someone like that though, lol.
You run into them on the street while you’re with a friend. “Hi Bob! This is my friend John. John, this is my… work acquaintance Bob.”
“In case it’s not clear, we are not friends!”
As a small counterpoint, my child’s daycare uses friend as a good generic term for the other kids. I’ve also used it when talking with him at the playground/in public. I could use kid or child in a similar way, but I think “friend” in this context helps encourage pro-social behaviors.
Please remember what subreddit you are in, this is unpopular opinion. We want civil and unpopular takes and discussion. Any uncivil and ToS violating comments will be removed and subject to a ban. Have a nice day! Additionally, all posts held by automod for review now (incorrectly) display a red “removed by moderators” label. Please note that unless your post receives a reply from mods indicating removal and it's specifying the reason, it is likely still in the queue and awaiting approval.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
I think “coworkers are not your friends” is a true statement... but it should be followed up with "some coworkers can and do become your friends"...
Just like school, "classmates are not your friends", but some of them do become life long friends. Or if a person go to church, same thing...
But one thing I do hate is when managers or company execs say "we're a family"... that is total BS as no one fires their child when times get tough, or when you need to save some money to pay the shareholders or execs more money.
Ya we ain't fam, we are all here for one reason. Employment.
People can be friends for a:
reason
season
lifetime
If you only count them as friends if they're there for a lifetime, then you're probably going to miss the opportunity to develop into those relationships.
The phrase "your coworker is not you friend" is intended to draw the line on what type of relationship you should have with your coworkers and is intended to encourage boundaries. I don't think anyone is saying that you do not have any type of relationship with your coworker whatsoever, because you do. Personally, I believe some coworkers can be friends, but it risks conflicts of interests and personal relationships could negatively impact your working relationship and vice versa. I think it's important to get along and be friendly with coworkers, but do not go to work with the intent to make friends.
Work was a foundational way people met friends for decades. The idea that you need to draw some kind of line (other than basic professionalism) is brand new and seemingly based on nothing but a self-punitive interest in isolationism.
Met my bestfriend stocking vegetables at a grocery store 9yrs ago. Hes now a scientist and im doing my own thing. Hangout every month for drinks and gaming. We live hours away from each other but still make the drive on a friday/Saturday for a weekend hangout.
Now thats the only time I ever befriended a coworker other than for casual sex when I was single. Its worth a shot for a friendship thats for sure.
Does suck tho when you leave a workplace and no longer have the friendship.
After spending 8-40 hours with someone at work I have no interest in spending additional time with them outside of it, generally. That doesn’t mean I don’t consider them friends.
petty sure it means dont make your coworkers yur main friend grp
I don't want work colleagues to be my friends for a few reasons. Firstly, whenever I go out with work colleagues it feels like all anyone talks about is work. I've been at work 50 hours a week, why would I want to discuss it in my spare time? And I like to keep a strong work-home divide. I don't talk about work to my wife (beyond the vaguest of stories or anything that may affect her) because again, this is my home life, I want work intruding on her like as little as possible.
If my work colleagues want to be friends with each other then more power to them.
I think you just have a different opinion about the meaning of "friends".
You absolutely can be friendly with your colleagues. Hang out, make jokes.
But you should never 100% trust your colleagues. Trust is for friends. Don't tell your colleague that hate this job. Don't tell your colleague that Patricia at the front desk smells like rotten fish. Don't tell your colleague that you fucked a 10/10 last night, Etc. etc.
And be careful adding work friends on social media. They don't need to know all that
I met my wife at work lol, I have lots of friends I have met from work. I understand some folks draw the line. I have made many observations in life and some people just do what they do. It’s all good.
I avoid deep friendships at work because I don't want that to be considered when I need to change employers.
I avoid it because I don't want to be reminded of work during my personal time.
Lol i can ve friendly with coworkers and have work relationships with them and not count them as friends.
Thats also my personal choice. I dont care what you do.
What's wrong with people you work with being acquaintances? Not everyone is your friend.
No one was wondering at the end.
They can be your friends. But in my experience gotta be very careful and not be friendly too fast. I had experience of being friendly with coworkers and all of the sudden they are using personal information about me to bully me (maritial status, hobby, etc). I realized and cut back friendliness and request them to stop negative comments. They gang up on me and continue to bully me and even got manager to join them. That went on for a couple of years till I got my higher education and got the f out of there.
I don't try to get too friendly with coworkers anymore.
Same! Had an absolutely nightmare coworker who was all smiles and kindness to my face but behind my back she made fun of me, called me “low class” (she came from a wealthy family), made fun of my children’s appearance in a racist way (from photos on my desk), and behind the scenes was trying to get me fired. Thankfully it backfired on her. She ended up being forced out of the firm, and eventually I left as well. It wasn’t just that she was nasty, it was also the fact that the firm allowed it to occur for far too long. She was in a position of power and I wasn’t her only victim. Now I don’t even put photos of my kids on my desk because never again!
This is kinda dependent on what you consider to be friends or what kind of friendship you’re looking for, some people are content with a small group of loved ones whom they trust, they don’t need friends everywhere.
It’s also dependent on the workplace environment, you don’t exactly choose who you get to work with so it’s normal to not want to divulge your personal life and want to connect with them.
I don’t agree with those people who ignore or intentionally act very cold to their coworkers but I wouldn’t say they need to be friends either or should actively seek friendship. It makes people miserable if you’re forcing yourself into their lives and being overly friendly when they clearly do not want that sort of relationship.
It’s ok to just go to work to work and if you meet friends there, great. If not, that’s also ok. Just know that not everyone wants to be friends or feel comfortable talking about non-work things just because you spend alot of time together at work.
Also I would absolutely not say that all relationships are “context dependent and transactional” or that “relationships are reliant on structures and flux”. This is an even more depressing way to view relationships to me
Interesting. I don’t particularly want to be friends with everyone at work, but I do prefer they not be enemies.
If you become besties, great. Then you fall out. Then, suddenly, youre on shift with someone you're at best awkward around, and at worst is spiteful towards you.
Coworkers are not your friends doesn't mean don't be friendly with them. Acquaintances, even. But if you share your life with people at work, it can go very, very wrong. It's okay to split those two worlds.
Most of all, it's just advice. You don't have to live that way if you don't want to
The word “friend” has been misconstrued to mean “anyone with regular proximity” to someone. The guy who makes my bagels every morning could theoretically be my “friend” if we exchange enough personal information masked in pleasantries.
There’s nothing wrong with the term “associate.” It sets a clear boundary and draws a line between work and home, if for no other reason than to not allow anyone to mess with my money. At a minimum, people gossip. At the max, people can be vindictive/jealous/rachet for any reason, and will use anything they can to get a leg up. It’s fine to take this gamble outside of work, but in the realm where you make your daily moolah to pay your bills, absolutely not.
We go to work, we have a group drink a couple of Thursdays in a month, we go to a group dinner maybe once a month, and we go home. Maybe I will share that I’m in a relationship, but you will never see pictures of my family.
>context-dependent
sure
>transactional
oh youre one of THOSE
Everything humans do is transactional whether you realise it or like it or not
You don't have to be best friends with coworkers, but completely avoiding everyone is not healthy either. It is better to be friendly, keep boundaries and choose people wisely and balance is the key.
I have been so indoctrinated to avoid any non-work not-in-office interaction that no way I am socializing with them.
If I am the senior person, then I am responsible for *any* trouble among co-workers, even if e.g. we go for a dinner out or a hike.
If I am not the senior person, then someone else is.
Harassment is so easy to leverage as an accusation, and so damaging, and so difficult to defend from.
The result is that I don't even invite co-workers for a dinner out. We see each other in the workplace, and that's it. Twenty years ago it was different. The trainings and indoctrination have killed it.
I am gen X (or Y?), btw.
I have my work friends and I have my non work friends. They are both valuable but they are different types of relationships. Work friends know me in the context of who I am at work. My non work friends actually know me. I may go get a beer with either type of friend, but the way I act will be different.
I do not invite work friends to family events or to my house - with the exception of my wedding, and only 1 work friend who I’ve known for over 6 years was invited.
I obviously do not invite non work friends to work related events.
I try to keep the two groups separate generally speaking.
But if I had no friends at work, my job would be a lot harder because most all of my tasks require some sort of collaboration which goes much more smoothly when you can actually talk to the other person about things other than the task at hand.
I have no problem with having good, friendly relationships with coworkers. I just don't really find that they turn into actual friendships. There's little to no contact outside of work hours. Even my best, most close coworkers have gone radio silent the moment one of us left our job. The way I see it, I have a solid amount of real friends. I don't need my coworkers to be my friends.