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Being Too Obedient as a Kid Will Break You as an Adult Why teaching children to “be good” often kills their spirit, and what we need to do instead
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When obedience becomes emotional debt
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this lately — not as a therapist or an academic, but as someone who’s seen too many people grow up with invisible bruises. Including myself.
You know the kind of parents I’m talking about. The ones who don’t have much emotional capacity or real-life competence, so they cling to a very simple parenting strategy:
“Just don’t cause me trouble.”
They don’t mean harm. But they mean convenience. They ask their kids to be “obedient,” “sensible,” “mature,” and “grateful,” long before those kids are emotionally equipped to process what that even means.
It sounds like love.
But really, it’s outsourcing emotional labor. It’s expecting your kid to handle your anxiety, to be your emotional anchor, to never talk back — not because they’re loved, but because you’re afraid.
And what happens to those kids?
Some, those with unusually strong emotional systems, push through. They become “successful.” But it’s success wrapped in duty, not…
