emotionally unavailable parent
losing my mind again
venting about ex
sad
It really sucks to care and love someone so deeply and they slowly pull away from you. Non-monogamy is challenging. I think it has to come from a starting point of honest communication that involves the ability to think through problems, not internalize & make it about you, understand your own feelings, be able to hear others’ feelings, etc. I think one has to be emotionally available.
Dear Mike,
You have always been one of my favorite people in my life. I think we felt so good together for so long. I knew things felt different between the two of us when you started talking to Jamie. It felt so different than anything before. I knew that made me like, feel something was off between us. Things started to add up over time. I finally asked. You were fairly dismissive. Maybe it was because you weren’t ready to talk about it, you did say that. You told me, “yes we hang out a few times a week!” You told me that a few times when I asked. I noticed other things such as buying a ton of new sex toys, us engaging in sexual activity less, all of a sudden having lube after 6 years of never using it (then telling me you got it for me), I just didn’t feel much love from you anymore either anymore, I felt there was something else going on in the background like constantly. This was also more than usual. I feel like usually you were busy with work, reddit, etc, etc. But that changed and I felt it. My intuition is so strong and I can tell if/when people are off. I can super tell. I am so intuitive, which makes me incredibly aware and observant. I knew something was going on.
You did tell me and I know for you, you don’t understand why it’s frustrating for me that I was the one who asked. In fact, you mocked me for that. The connection for me in that instance is like, I am worried that I will have to continue to do this. I will have to continue ask questions to get information. I don’t want to have to do that. You recently came up with something to try and prevent that. I didn’t even know if I wanted to do it at that point, especially since i felt I had been trying for so long. I know you haven’t done much to make me not trust you. But that’s not the point. This feels like something big and feels like you are hiding things, especially when I keep finding out from other people about them. That’s the stuff that hurts. And you felt you were finding out about the status of our relationship from others. You said that hurt. That’s how this felt. It has continuously been so awful.
I’m sad you developed a relationship with another serious partner. But I think it’s more for me, the shitty way it was discovered. I also don’t understand why none of this wasn’t figured out before. You have been with her for over a year.
needs/wants in an intimate relationship
I’ve been thinking about what I want/need in an intimate relationship lately. Then I’ve been thinking about how I can get that/seek it/ask for it/etc.
I crave and want a deep intimate connection with someone. I want to hear about your past, your feelings, your thoughts. I want to be on the same page as far as politics go. I want to talk through shit in a serious, mindful way. I want to hear about things that feel good and bad for you. I want to know if how I am treating you feels bad, but I also want to work toward like, positivity and growth. I want to have humor and bounce shit off of each other. I want to be able to talk through problems in a healthy way and not yell or blame each other or call each other names or bring up past shit.
I want to have shared, mutual activities together. But I also want to have a healthy life outside of the relationship. I want to be supportive in your endeavors and hear about them. I want you to be able to tell me about them. I don’t want to have to always seek out the information. I want to get excited texts about cool ass shit from you. I want to be excited with/for you. I want to feel like, real and genuine with you.
I don’t want problems to be about how it’s all fucked up of me to do. Like, most things are both people. Sometimes my reactions are overwhelming and intense to things. I want space to be able to work through that, but also not to be told that my emotions are unfair.
I don’t want surface shit. I want real shit. I need real shit. I want to be in the moment with you. I want to not have to fight about phone usage and hang out with you while you are on your phone the entire time.
I want to be speaking in a language that is respectful and I expect that back.
I don’t want to mind read. I want to to like, be an active participant in shit, but I also need that from you.
ending
This past year and a half has been fucking hell. I know it has for everyone. I’ve really struggled. A lot of things were a part of that which caused the struggle. Obviously, the pandemic, the senses of loss and grief, change, unpredictability, trauma, etc.
My depression got really intense when lock down happened. I felt it really was related to this upheaval of everything all at once and like, not seeing my clients all of a sudden & crazy work shit, getting arrested in the aftermath of a protest, getting ptsd and depression (again), one of my rabbits dying, and my daughter going to college (and getting covid).
So I had a lot of big changes also doing on and then, my partner started dating someone else. We are non-monogamous and have been the whole time. So both of us have dated people. He started dating someone else seriously. I had vibes something was going on. So I asked/said something. He has been pretty dismissive this whole year about it. Either by getting defensive, dismissive, or telling me I’m making stuff up. It’s been really challenging and felt shitty. I’ve felt like I’ve tried a lot of different things: telling him what I need/want with specifics, gone to a partial hospital program, started meds, did more counseling, telling him my feelings, etc etc. I eventually brought up couple’s counseling. He agreed. We were definitely fighting a lot and it was like, having the same argument over and over. I realized that my needs and wants haven’t felt met for a long time. And it’s been frustrating to realize that. And also frustrating that I have told him that I don’t feel happy. He hasn’t been super responsive to most of this. He is not good at hearing me. Then he accuses me of like, doing/saying all this shit that I have apparently done.
Mostly what I am realizing and saying is that I’ve done a lot of processing of this. He’s claiming that the past couple of months I’ve totally checked out of the relationship. I have thought a lot about this. I have reflected a lot on my needs/wants and tried to figure that out. I’ve also expressed that to him. He has attempted a little bit, but I’ve felt that it was almost obligatory, which I don’t vibe with. I also don’t want to. And it felt so shitty to be like, demoted, basically but not told. Like, he has always told me I’m his primary partner and that changed and he didn’t talk to me about that. I only found out because I asked him. He also stopped using condoms with this other partner and didn’t tell me about it. When I was checking in, he got very upset and said he doesn’t use condoms, but that that person uses condoms with their partner, blah blah. I got upset because he did it without actually having a conversation about it. AND one of our rules was to use condoms with others. So it felt super violating. We didn’t talk for like, a week because I was so upset. Then I somehow got locked into talking about it and then forgiving him. But then I didn’t respect my own boundary after that. Because I didn’t use condoms. I just violated myself.
Other things came up over time. Eventually, we were talking about the primary partner thing and he stated that he just decided to agree with the primary partner thing, but he doesn’t believe in hierarchy. I asked him why he didn’t talk to me about this, but he didn’t have an answer.
He told me at one point that I’m in the driver’s seat and that he has just been going along with whatever/however I set up the communication around ethical non-monogamy. He basically has brought shit back to blame me somehow and that he has done nothing wrong. This approach has basically been happening the whole time.
He did attempt to come up with a better way of communicating about non-monogamy. I ended up telling him that I am seeing someone else seriously. Which is true. I told him that if I expect that from him, i should be transparent. He also goes into these patterns of like, kind of getting it and trying. But then it goes back to the same pattern and dynamic. And that’s when I get sucked in.
Our relationship is changing. I’ve been so fucking brutally honest with him about so much. I’m so sad that he doesn’t like, see my side. That’s the shitty, frustrating thing. We both still really love and care for each other. And also, I can’t continue like this.
I also asked him like, what is he getting from me. Because it’s seemed like his needs/wants are being met through his other partner. He didn’t really answer, he said he likes hanging out, talking about politics, foraging. I asked, yes, I enjoy those too, but those are activities. What are you getting from me in relation to physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually, socially, work life, etc? Like, for real. What is he?
I had a friend ask me why it seems like my partner is trying to like, manage that narrative or something. And that it seems Mike wants to break up with me, but won’t.
I have felt violated, disrespected, used, lied to, cheated on, and it’s sad and it sucks. I also told him I’ve felt replaced. And I know that wasn’t his intention, but that’s how it felt. And a lot of interactions with me felt obligatory or forced. I don’t want that. I also don’t want that for him.
struggling w/ family dynamics TW - abuse
more partial stuff
I feel clearer in my head, which feels good. I feel more grounded and present. I feel I am in a better mental space after 2 weeks. I start week 3 tomorrow. I’ve gotten a lot out of it and it has felt great.
I’ve learned a lot about myself, too. I learned that I have realized when I have conflicts with others, I tend to merge with them and instead of hearing them in validating way, I feel so horrible I hurt them (or whatever) and I then, make it about myself. I got homework to work on that.
I also don’t feel so out of control when it comes to my partner. I have been way more chill about our relationship and how I’m working through it. I have gotten triggers, but instead of lashing out, I have been taking a minute to think about it, feel my feeling, and ask myself it’s worth it to bring it up or even, realizing that I am probably reacting strongly and it’s not worth talking about because it’s more about me vs him or us.
I have also learned that part of this year I have been on the rational side of my mind and the emotional side and very little in wise mind. I feel I’ve been in such a weird robotic, almost dissociative state this year with almost everything. Then with relationships, I’ve been on the emotional side. It’s been so exhausting! But it was helpful to realize what I am doing.
Some other stuff that has come up is being more honest with myself with family stuff and finally communicating about it better. I told my mom last month that I was arrested in the aftermath of a BLM protest earlier this year. She made a comment about property damage of innocent people. I was so upset. LIke, that’s not important at all when it comes to the systematic murder of BIPOC and POC people. All she said was: that must have been quit the experience. Like, okay whatever.
I also got upset when one of my sisters was not allowed at my mom’s but my other siblings were. She claimed everyone quarantined for 2 weeks, but I know they didn’t. My kid was also not allowed to travel there. Everything is so like, not related to COVID. I know my mom and step-dad don’t like me. I’ve accepted that years ago and I don’t really care. I don’t want or need my self-worth wrapped up in them and their acceptance. And I have realized that long ago.
I decided to talk to my siblings about it in a group chat so we are on the same page. We are texting now. I made it very clear that I don’t want any of them to do anything about it and that I accept where they are at with our parents and I have no hard feelings. It’s an ongoing conversation, so I am sure I will write more.
partial
I’ve been really struggling this year with my mental health. I know everyone has. I’ve become increasingly more depressed and anxious and my trauma shit came back. My fucking borderline-y shit, too. I was getting into fights with my partner more, struggling with my identity shift with my daughter going to college, one of my rabbits died, I got fired from a job, I got arrested after a protest. Lots of loss, feelings of out of control & isolation. I was doing some eating disorder shit. It was all too fucking much. A friend was going through something similar and said she did the partial program. I decided to do it. I started Monday. It’s been helpful. They put on the track for people with Borderline/Borderline-y traits and I am grateful for that. I got diagnosed with MDD, GAD, and PTSD and they noted the past diagnoses, as well (Borderline, Eating DIsorder NOS, Social Anxiety). The program is virtual right now, too. We talked about acceptance and some of ways we have tried to cope with shit. I’ve been taking notes. I was struck today by acceptance and how it’s challenging because I don’t want to just accept things as they are (particuarly related to oppression and the world). We also discussed ways we avoid and how sometimes distractions can turn into avoidance. I felt I was super avoiding and have been very numb this year. I felt I couldn’t feel my feelings because I needed to just get through shit. I needed streangth to get through shit so I wasn’t feeling insane. I did the same thing when my daughter attempted suicide almost 4 years ago. Then months later, it all hit and I fucking lost it. One of my rabbits, Simone, died this year and it was so fucking sad and I cried when she initially died but I have been putting it off as far as dealing with the feelings related to it. I’ve also been thinking my partner is going to leave and abandon me. And finding all this evidence to like, him apparently leaving me. I would get into fights with him and constantly ask for reassurance. So maddening.
I was also so stuck in my own shit and my feelings. I was having a really difficult time seeing how everything was impacting other people. I just feel like I’ve been floating through this year. Like, I have been proud of my kid for graduating high school, but there was no ceremony so it seemed like it really didn’t happen.
I also think past trauma related to men came up and that was one reason why I was having a difficult time with my partner. I was assuming he was going to do something bad or already was. And that he was going to leave me. I would get frantic and constantly text him for reassurance.
evidence my partner loves me/wants to be with me
diagnoses
I decided to try medication again, as I have been really struggling with my mental health and emotional regulation. I realized I don’t need to keep feeling this way. It’s fucking awful. Like, this emptiness and chronic suicidality. I contacted my NP to ask what the diagnoses were, out of my own curiosity. It was PTSD, traits of borderline, and NOS Eating Disorders (in remission). I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD and NOS ED before. I knew I had traits of BPD and she said I probably met full criteria when I was younger, but since I’ve been in therapy for so long, the traits decreased. BPD traits also come up for me when I am really struggling. So it all makes sense. I feel a sigh of relief. So fucking weird.
