Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My son is the oldest grandchild on my side, so this may set a precedent. The vast majority of times when it is one of my mom’s grandchildren’s birthdays, the child’s family goes out to supper with my mom on the actual birthday to celebrate. It’s kind of a tradition, but not carved in stone. There have been several times when it happened on another day due to a conflict.
My son’s 17th birthday was earlier this week. My mom called a few days before and asked if we were going out on his birthday, and where, and said that she would meet us there. I asked my son, and he said he was busy that night, but the next night would work. My mom said OK and told us she would bring his birthday card and gift that night.
My son was busy the night of his birthday because his girlfriend offered to take him out to supper and a movie, with some other friends joining them. It just so happened that my mom went out to eat at the same restaurant and saw him there with his friends. She called me afterward and let me know that when I said he was busy, she thought it was with work or school, not “just” with friends. She insisted that he should know it’s a tradition to have supper with Grandma on his birthday. She also said she was so disappointed by his behavior that I could forget about her meeting us for supper the next night, and my son wasn’t getting his card or gift because of the lack of respect he had shown her. When I told my son that Grandma wouldn’t be able to join us for supper the following night, he said, “Oh, OK,” and nothing more.
Now my mom has been asking how I am going to punish him for misleading us about what he was busy doing. We have given him some leeway on parental oversight, and if he tells us he’s busy, we don’t necessarily ask him, “With what?” as long as he’s home before 10 p.m. on a school night. He’s a good kid with a good group of friends and has never given us any reason to worry about him. If I tell my mom there will be no punishment, I don’t know how she will react, but it probably won’t be good. Your thoughts on the situation and any advice on what to tell my mom?
—Grandma Expects Punishment—It’s Not Happening
Dear Grandma Expects,
While I probably would have asked my 17-year-old what he was doing to celebrate his birthday (I’m not saying you were wrong not to—I’m just surprised. Different strokes!), nothing in this situation moves me in the least to side with Grandma.
Grandma dear: You do not get to decide how your grandchildren celebrate their birthdays. You don’t get to decide what’s going to be a tradition for the members of your family, who have families of their own and their own traditions to establish (or not). A young man wanting to celebrate his birthday with his girlfriend and their friends is not a punishable offense. Nor is “misleading” you when you didn’t feel misled. It’s Grandma who felt misled, and that’s her problem, nobody else’s.
I’d tell her: “Mom, I’m sorry you were sad about not getting to see Billy on his birthday itself, but it was fine with us that he wanted to celebrate it with his friends. He’s growing up, after all. We’ll miss you at the family birthday dinner, of course, but if you’d rather not join us, we won’t hold it against you.” Nothing else needs to be said. (I hope this does set a precedent. You’d be sparing your siblings and their children similar grief.)
May I add one more piece of advice, though? It would have been kinder of you, since you knew your mom expected (because of past experience) to be with your son on his birthday, to have asked him in advance what his plans were, so that you could have called Grandma—rather than waiting for her to call you and ask which restaurant you were all going to—and told her that the family dinner would take place on another night. It’s not always intrusive to ask a teenager what his plans are. Sometimes it’s just practical.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m having a small potatoes disagreement and am hoping you can arbitrate. Because of circumstances beyond my control, I had to work from home one day. The children (5, 6, and 10) were still off from school for Easter break. It rained all day, so they were feeling a bit cooped up. They really wanted me to play a level of a family-friendly video game we all enjoy. I told them I needed to do some work first, but if I could get something important finished, then I would play during my break.
They all kept coming in to see if I was done yet. It felt like I was shooing them out every minute. When they weren’t asking out loud, they were mooching around the door (even the 10-year-old who usually knows better). I was so thoroughly fed up that I finally announced that I wasn’t going to play the game at all.
They apologized, and I did accept it, but I told them I still wasn’t going to play and that they needed to think about listening better. They were upset, of course, and the youngest shed some tears, but I stuck with my decision. My wife says I should have relented when they apologized, and that all I taught them was that apologies are worthless and it’s OK to break a promise. What do you think?
—Looking for a Ruling
Dear Looking,
I’m with your wife on this one, though with a caveat. Apologies are worthless if they’re not sincere, if the apologizer isn’t sure what they’re apologizing for, and if they’re meant to be transactional (“There, now I’ve apologized! Now you have to give me something!”). I feel the same way about “accepting” an apology (did you really?).
If your 10-year-old fully understood why you snapped and explained it to the younger siblings in such a way that all three truly were sorry they’d been pestering you all day while you were trying to work, and then apologized meaningfully—and you accepted that apology meaningfully (i.e., that the exchange between you and them wasn’t just, “I’m sorry!”/“Apology accepted!”)—then telling them, “Well, too bad, I’m still not going to play that game with you that you’ve been waiting for all day” is really telling them that you’d promised under duress, you’d rather not hang out with them when your work is done, and you were glad to have an excuse not to. But if the apology and its acceptance were pro forma, what they were taught actually was that apologies are worthless and promises don’t matter. It’s not too late to undo this lesson. (For more of my thoughts on apologies and how to make them, see A Kid’s Guide to Life by your friendly local columnist.)
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a 40-year-old man, and my son, “Russell,” recently turned 18. My wife’s sister-in-law, “Jackie,” got a little tipsy at his birthday party and asked us when we were kicking Russell out. My wife and I were both confused.
Russell is going to continue to live with us while he takes a year off before going to college. At least that’s his plan now. Russell is a kind, hard-working, thoughtful young man. We could not be prouder of him. And we agreed that he would be allowed to stay for as long as he needed to/wanted. But Jackie is trying to convince us that the only way Russell can grow as a person is if we kick him out and force him to fend for himself. She did this with her kids (from her first marriage, who hardly ever come around or call).
How do my wife and I convince her, and some of our other friends and family who’ve made remarks of this sort, that it’s OK to let your adult children stay as long as they need to? I can’t imagine kicking one of my children out just because they can vote now. How could a parent do that?
—Dad for Life
Dear Dad,
Why do you need to convince Jackie or anyone else? You’re doing what feels right to you (and, for the record, to me too). What do you care what anyone else thinks?
I will say that when people’s remarks get under our skins, it’s almost always because there’s a little voice in us that is afraid they might be right. This deep-down voice of dissent doesn’t pipe up because it knows better than you do. It’s the voice of doubt and insecurity—we all have some version of this inside us!—and it may lie dormant (but ready to pounce) until someone pokes at it. That’s what Jackie did. And no doubt it was her own secret self-doubt and buried insecurity (“Did I do right by my kids? If I did, why don’t they want to see or talk to me?”) that spoke up in her to pass judgment on you.
The best way to handle these sorts of comments—unasked-for advice, really—is to say, “It’s kind of you to take an interest” and, maybe, “We feel very good about what we’re doing,” or the slightly more aggressive, “I’m glad doing it that way worked out for you.” Or how about, pithily, “Different strokes for different folks.” Then make sure to remember that, for your own sakes. And so on and so on and scooby-dooby-doob. (The link is to my choir’s exuberant cover of the great Sly and the Family Stone song, “Everyday People.” You’re welcome.)
—Michelle
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