[–] ▶ №85147[Quote] [Voice Chat]
I know this probably won't come off as relatable to most of you, but I feel that I waste so much of my time online trying to connect with people when I know that, fundamentally, it's a futile endeavor. I'm not going to list any identifiable characteristics or names, but I've namefagged, avatarfagged and gimmicked around on multiple different boards (r9k excluded, I'm not that much of a fag), on multiple different websites, just to achieve nothing. Fundamentally, I still feel separate to other people no matter how hard I try. I oftentimes get these thoughts in my head that I'm not human, that I'm a supreme being above everybody else or an animal so far beneath them depending on my mood. Although I prefer my status as a background character in real life, a plus one for others and just another face in the crowd, I sometimes wish that it weren't so online, since the internet is the one place where I should truly be able to truthfully and meaningfully express myself, perhaps even to the point of establishing connections.
<preddit
I viewed the opening of SoyBooru's forums as a new opportunity to take another swing at making myself known, perhaps even establishing some shallow connections, but I gave up after a week following some particularly vexing feelings of shame, inadequacy and hopelessness at my own failures. I know it's stupid to think that something as minor as responding to people or earnestly engaging in a thread about a controversial topic with people I don't know already is too daunting a task for me, but it's quite true. I've tried different chatrooms, different imageboards, different hobbies, but I still somehow always feel as if I am sitting at somebody else's lunch table with somebody else's friend group, one I am not a part of. I have "friends" in real life, although I don't really want to refer to most of them as such, as they're only people I get along with because we share classes together and I know how to act in their presence. It's nothing like how people are friends in movies or television, and I make sure to never act vulnerable or share some of my less normal interests in their presence. None of my friends trust me either, since I actively choose to not speak with or go anywhere with them outside of classes because I don't view them as worthy of my time and energy. Why is it that I can at least make surface level friendships in real life, but its so difficult to do so online, the one place where I can truly be honestly myself?
▶ №85148[Quote]
<preddit cont.
I haven't had an online friend since Spring of last year, and I think the circumstances of our falling out make the root of my inadequacies quite apparent. I treated them almost like a journal, detailing most things that happened in my life, the reasons I was angry and upset, the music I listened to, the games I played, all of that. I never really "vented" to them (i.e being a major faggot about your emotions), but I did tell them some personal things, like how I couldn't stand most of my classmates and my budding interest in mass shootings at the time, which is something we had in common. I would never unmute my microphone when they called me, nor would I share any photos of myself or even private social media profiles because I was afraid they would somehow get information on me to doxx me with if we ever had a falling out, even after they showed that they had no problem giving that level of intimate info to me. This fear that they would one day doxx me or try and ruin my life all culminated in me eventually phasing them out, ignoring their texts and the like, until we never spoke again.
<preddit
What I learned is that if you want to be a pussy about your emotions with people, its best to do it with people who are disposable, like random niggers on the internet (>>>/r9k), for your own sake. But if you aren't emotionally vulnerable with people, you won't truly "bond" with them, at least not as far as I know. If you choose to let your guard down, you can befriend people meaningfully, but you can also get hurt. The feeling and likelihood of experiencing emotional pain, betrayal and targeted personal attacks is far worse than the pleasure gained from the knowledge of having true and honest friends, so its better to live your life as a background character #83371 who has a few speaking roles than to try and be one of the super awesome best friends who steal the show and have all the super awesome epic character arcs. Maybe its that I want admirers rather than friends, people who feed me mostly positive interactions and demand nothing in return. I would rather that than have to listen to someone else bitch about their emotions after I get done bitching about mine, if I had to bitch about my emotions to a real human in the first place.
<preddit
I am oversimplifying it a bit though, because I have seen people who aren't emotionally vulnerable accrue great hordes of loyal friends, admirers, enemies and fans both online and in real life. It seems that some people are just more likeable, more followable, more noticeable and more protagonistic than others. I am not one of them.
▶ №85320[Quote]
Not going to start a new thread for this but I don't feel like writing in my journal, so I'll just necrobump and add it here. Over the past few days I've been getting these frequent pits in my stomach brought about by fears that something bad is on the horizon. A lot of the time its justified, like classes beginning again tomorrow, but other times its over stupid shit like an anonymous argument I got into and abandoned after getting bored or frustrated. When I experience this feeling, all I can do is try and distract myself, check for or consult the signs and tell myself that it'll be gone when I wake up tomorrow, which is usually right, although it might begin again over something trivial. I think it's because my body and mind is so used to having something to be fearful about, like exams, essays, obligations towards my local church and the like that when there isn't anything immediate, it blows smaller things out of proportion instead.
<
I remember replying to a thread on /soy/ (yes I know the board is shit but so is the entire internet at this point) made about hypochondria, which is something I don't suffer from whatsoever, but wanted to give my thoughts on anyway. I don't fear any physical illnesses except for the absolutely debilitating ones that leave you paralyzed or wheelchair-bound instead of just killing you outright. I would rather my patronizing shitskin caretaker throw me down a tall flight of stairs and let me choke on my own blood than ever live life like that, but I don't obsess over or fear it happening to me. I don't have these fears because I just remind myself that this life means nothing compared to the one that comes after it, which I find soothing. It makes me feel less bad about having no aspirations or hobbies, but its not like I really care that much about them anyway, at least in theory. It's sort of ironic and contradictory that I "live by this philosophy" in my mind, considering how stress susceptible and prone to fear that I am. I think a lot of my ethics and judgement is susceptible to change depending on my emotional state, but then again, isn't that how it is for everyone?
<
I don't really fear death, at least I don't think I do. I only fear dying and going to Hell. I have no mission, purpose or drive on this Earth anyways, and so if God sent me an omen telling me that he would take my life this day next week, I would be quite glad, given that I have complete confirmation and knowledge of the event in advance, so I could go to confession and tie up all of my loose ends. I wouldn't ever go out of my way to actually try and make myself die though, but only because it would upset my family and I'm unsure if its a damnable offence. I wouldn't write about this if I were actually considering suicide, which I most definitely am not.
▶ №85321[Quote]>>85455
are you wpr? anyway i dont have any sage advice for you but i do find your situation relatable, i hope somebaldi has something more to say about this than me
▶ №85453[Quote]
The best adjective I can use to describe the feeling I have when I return home from school is lethargic. I feel as if all of my energy has been sapped, utterly drained from my body, and I can barely bring myself to do anything except listen to YouTube videos while killing NPCs in gmod and posting on the shitty and 4kike. I always leave it quite late to start studying because both the thought and action of doing work that I do not enjoy, that I do not need, for the sole sake of academic conformity makes me vexed beyond measure, and I always end up half-assing it anyway. At least I can take solace in knowing that I don't have long left to go.
<
I initially couldn't even bring myself to write this follow up "entry". I felt too horrible, I could only lay in my bed, moping, contemplating the dismal state that I am in, staring at the ceiling and listening to the same two songs on repeat. I can't even bring myself to work on shitty low effort OC, and I find myself almost too tired to be truly afraid or stressed out beyond a subdued, lingering feeling of foreboding and inadequacy that has become almost customary to my human experience now, accompanied by the conscious mental inclinations to perform small tasks like counting, praying and venerating, which make me feel better, at least temporarily.
<
I know it's incredibly reddit-y to view life as a videogame, but the thought that always comes into my mind when I'm not in a good mood is that it is. If I am playing a game, and I do not enjoy the game because the game is unfair, poorly designed, lacks rewarding objectives, lacks enjoyable quests and activities and is full of terrible, cruel and annoying players and there are far more neutral and negative experiences than positive ones, I have no reason to continue playing. There are some mildly enjoyable moments, sure, maybe getting a bunch of reppies in a thought-out thread or making some well received OC, but ultimately, they're all just small nuggets of copper in a mountain of dirt. I would rather not have any of the semi-decent minerals if it means I didn't have to spend my life digging through shit to get at them.
▶ №85455[Quote]>>85457
<reddit cont.I'm going to preface this by saying I do not condone nor promote what motivated me to make this reply, nor do I think suicide or self harm is a good thing and I would never encourage anybody to partake in it. I have read over this post and can say that none of the content here violates rule 7, or any of the other rules on this website for that matter. I don't feel miserable anymore, I just feel neutral, like the markiplier subvariant known for being associated with blogs and shitty bait posts, which is why I am even able to tack onto this already bloated thread in the first place. I only exist in this elevated mood because I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and jerked off. I wasn't even horny, I was just bored and "decided" to go jerk off to porn. I rationalized it by saying that I'm already in a state of sin and probably going to Hell anyways, so it didn't matter. So I went to the bathroom and did it, finished in a few minutes, produced my swiss army knife from my pocket and made 2 incisions into the body of my penis. It's a habit I picked up just before Easter, but it makes me feel like I have atoned for what I have done and brings a sense of calm in a way, that I have managed to deny my flesh after just succumbing to it.
<I think I may have fucked up a bit, because while counting to the righteous numbers while performing the cutting motion, I held each number for a bit too long and I did not stretch the skin of my penis out far enough, so I must have cut into the flesh of the organ rather than just the skin. I am inclined to believe this because more thick, dark, blood came out of the "wound" than usual. I've applied a plaster and I believe that I'm not going to get an infection though, so it's alright. I am very glad that I felt the need to double-check the bathroom just after I had left, because I had unwittingly left my knife in there and my mother was just about to go in. I chalk this up to divine intervention, since all hell would have broken lose should she have found it. Let's hope I feel better tomorrow, but there are no guarantees in this life.
>>85321I think I know who you're talking about, but no, I am not him, although I can sort of see the resemblance in that we both post frogs and type with capitalization and punctuation. That's about it, really.
▶ №85457[Quote]
>>85455I don't expect things to get much better after I graduate either, given the objectively repulsive state of the modern world, but I won't get into that for now. I should focus on the matters at hand rather than things that are a couple of months in the future, and I think I've spent enough time leaking and talking to myself for today.
