Word count: 4,475
Disclaimer: The boys unfortunately do not belong to me. I would have treated them better. However, the characters of Holly Vasquez and Chrissy Templar are mine. They were born in my head and are the loves of Johnny and Val.
Rated R. Implied adult situations
Thanks to Cat and Sandy for the beta
#9 in the Johnny and Holly series, which is best read in sequence.
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His breathing slowed to a normal rate, and steadier now but the pain lines were still etched in the creases of his face. This had been close, the blood loss significant and the bullet had caused much damage, gone deep, tearing muscle and tissue and cracked bone. This recovery would take time; time that he normally wouldn’t give in to. He would not be patient enough to let this wound heal without her help.
But it shouldn’t be too difficult, not for her; she would simply prolong the rest as much as she could once he started to mend. She had her ways; she’d used them before with much success; more success than the medicines usually prescribed for these types of injuries.
The medicines gave him agonizing headaches and seemed to cause as much discomfort as the issue they were supposed to help heal, and he fought against them. They left him in a fog, not able to defend himself and that was a death sentence for a gunfighter, so he refused them. He would handle the pain without the drugs. It was no wonder why he resisted the laudanum and morphine, but then doctors did not have the ‘healing abilities’ Holly possessed, and whatever it took to keep Johnny quiet and to rest in bed, well, with all due respect to medical science, hers were much more appealing to Johnny Madrid Lancer.
Holly sat in a chair beside the bed and watched the rise and fall of his chest. She wiped the rivulets of sweat that ran down his flushed face and soaked his hair. She murmured to him, calming the restless ramblings and whispered to him while he was still, too.
At night she lay quietly beside him as he slept and snuggled against his body as much as she could without disturbing his rest. And she swore she felt him relax, his breathing deepened, and she knew that he sensed her there beside him. Gently she moved between his arm and his body; instinctively his right arm tightened around her shoulders. She smiled, knowing that he was aware of her next to him and thought she even heard him sigh in contentment. That made her smile increase; she closed her eyes and slept. If he should wake and need her, she would be as close as she could be to aid in whatever discomfort he experienced.
The spirit swirled slowly into the room. It hovered over the bed and watched the duo as they slept. The boy certainly had exquisite taste in women; she was beautiful! The spirit smiled and settled herself on the footboard of the bed and silently observed the pair. This particular spirit had watched him before, had been watching him for years. He was special, and she was never too far away, not like before, and she regretted her mistakes deeply.
It had been her own fault, and she blamed no one else, her mistakes had cost this boy much, and he’d almost died, many times because of them. The spirit thought back to when he was small. He had been the light of her life at one time; she would have died for him, at one time, but now all she could do was watch over him and maybe visit in a dream if she was lucky. What she wouldn’t give to hold that beautiful baby boy once more in her arms, run her fingers through the thick mop of soft and silky dark hair, and gaze into the jewel-like deep blue of his eyes and tell him she loved him… Just one more time…
He looked pale, now, except for the flush of fever on his face, so she would do what she could to eliminate the pain; she regretted not having done something about the pain when he was small, the pain that should never have befallen one so young, so innocent. But there was nothing she could do about that now; it was done. She’d made her mistakes, and could not take them back, irreparable and over with and if she had it to do all over again, she would certainly have not chosen that life. But those life-altering blunders had sealed the fate of this sweet young boy who at one time was her world… she would change things in a heartbeat… if she could.
She should never have taken him away. Never had she wanted him hurt with her selfish and nomadic lifestyle, however, the longer she drifted through the border towns and took whatever ‘work’ she could find, the deeper the scars that were inflicted her son, not all of them physical. Life was cruel for a mestizo, hated by both Mexican and white alike. Now all she could do is be near him in this other life, and the woman, this woman who obviously was a very large and personal part of her son’s present life. So Maria Lancer kept her vigil because it was all she could give him now. The damage had been completed a long time ago as if executed, for certainly, that sweet child who was Johnny Lancer did not survive. Madrid had been born. And it had been her fault… her fault.
But what teased her curiosity now was the young woman sleeping at Juanito’s side. Who was she? Maria was not concerned knowing there were no bonds of marriage, no vows spoken in a church before a priest. No, that was not important to her—how many priests had turned her away from the church and scoffed at her mestizo son?
Maria knew this woman was certainly more than a healer and she could also see that Johnny trusted her. That was something Maria did not take lightly because it was something Johnny did not take lightly. There were not many that Johnny had ever trusted, she knew. She had been there to watch and see for herself. Maria floated soundlessly, as if smoke or mist in the early morning, and settled over the young woman’s sleeping form to sneak into her dreams.
Holly walked to the adobe wall and passed through the small wooden gate then pulled it closed behind her. It wouldn’t do to let the scratching chickens into the garden and ruin the beauty there. She loved this garden, the flowers were all in bloom, the scent was heady in the air, intoxicating, and Holly could feel it bathe her skin, cleansing it, its soft, sweet perfume travelling on the breeze.
She stopped to touch the velvety soft petals and gently inhale the fragrance; it filled her head with happy memories, times of her childhood. She had spent much time in the garden with her mother, and she came here often, sometimes for comfort and sometimes, well, sometimes she simply felt a physical draw. She needed to come here and to feel the serenity that it gave her, soothing, soft and safe.
As Holly walked among the delicate blossoms admiring the beauty around her, she eventually took a seat on an old, weather-beaten bench next to the wall. She relaxed, feeling the gentle sun’s rays kiss her cheeks, and she tipped her face skyward. Then she closed her eyes and let the stillness seep into her very soul. She breathed deep and filled her lungs with all the healing powers of the garden. And she drifted…
When she opened her black diamond eyes, she was startled… she was not alone. The presence beside her made her gasp. The apparition was misty and vague, but the vision was lovely and beautiful, and she wore a smile as sweet as the morning dawn. The Vision met her stare, and Holly sensed no danger, no threat, but there was something very familiar about it… Was she a ghost? And suddenly the Vision cleared, she became a solid form, and for the second time in just a minute Holly gasped. She knew who it was.
“Maria!” Holly breathed out for the woman wearing Johnny’s features. He looked much like his mother! If it weren’t for the brilliant blue eyes, they could have passed for twins if they’d been the same age. Maria only smiled as she studied the young woman who had won her son’s guarded heart.
“Si, I watch my niño sometimes, and I want to know the woman who has captured his heart. Por favor, talk with me?” Maria asked, a concerned parent now. Although very late with these thoughts, she was free of her mortal troubles of life on earth, and she desperately wanted to know this woman who undeniably loved her son, her Juanito. Holly felt instantly at ease and smiled wanting to know this woman who gave life to the most important person in her world.
“When did you capture his love, for I know it is love when I watch the two of you together?”
Holly smiled as she thought about him, could not help but smile, for he held her heart and soul from the second they had met even though she hadn’t realized it yet. Holly raised her eyes to Maria’s before she spoke.
“Capture? That would be like trying to hold onto the wind,” Holly said. But she began the story as Maria had asked. “We met when he saved my life. Johnny risked his life so willingly and gave no thought to any danger. That is when we met, the first time. We would see each other occasionally over the years, but after a chance meeting just two years ago it seemed that no other would do. Johnny helped me to get a respectable position…”
Holly hesitated to say more about her previous employment, but Maria knew, and she was not one now to criticize. “And we meet every few months; then we go our separate ways…” Holly turned and looked at her hands. She had faced Murdoch with the truth, why was she having trouble finding the words with Maria? After all, Maria should be the one to understand.
“Murdoch does not approve but says nothing about it now, but I know he would very much like for us to say the vows before a priest in a church…”
Maria still wore the sweet smile and nodded her head in understanding. She sighed and looked out over the garden, hesitated then turned back to Holly before she spoke again.
“Si, that is the way Murdoch is. But you did speak of your love and pledge yourselves to each other, didn’t you?” Maria asked, but she already knew.
Holly remembered the day, the magical day at the lake then, surprised, she turned to Maria with a puzzled face.
And Maria softly laughed, the tones sounding strangely musical in the early morning garden. “I was there, too, chica! And I wept with joy when I saw the happiness in Juanito’s eyes and felt what was in his heart. It did not need to be in a church or presided over by a priest. A church is just a building for people to come to pray and a priest is nothing but a man.” How many times had priests turned her away because of her ways? She had no use for priests who preached one thing and did another.
“Wasn’t it Murdoch that had proclaimed the sight as sacred? God knows what is in your hearts. And Juanito, he is a good man, much better than I deserve for my son,” Maria said with sadness.
“I am afraid that I let him down… I let Murdoch down; I let everyone down… because I could only think of myself. Ranch life bored me; motherhood bored me; I wanted parties and dancing, people to wait on my every whim. Instead of seeing what was before my eyes, first and most important, my beautiful baby boy, then a loving husband and a future at Lancer, I focused on the things that were out of my reach, and they were the wrong choices. And I regret every one of those choices, for all eternity.
“But through my son, it will be alright; he is loved by the woman he loves. I see the happiness you have brought to him and the care you give to him. That will be enough for me. You have given him much that I could not, your honesty and your heart and that I could not do. Again, that is something that I will repent for all time.” Maria watched the emotion closely in Holly’s tear-filled eyes. This young woman felt her pain, she was aware of the anguish in Maria’s heart, so astute it embarrassed Maria to have someone that read her thoughts so clearly.
“Come walk with me… my daughter,” Maria stood and held out a delicate, long-fingered hand.
Holly smiled widely, another ray of beautiful soft sunlight. Rising to her feet, Holly took the hand that reached for her and together they walked arm in arm, they talked of things meant for only their ears, things in their hearts and minds. They bared their souls with their most personal thoughts, confided in the other as only the best of friends would do and shared the most common and most precious bond between them… Johnny.
“It was my idea not to marry, please do not blame Johnny for that. But I thought that if we were together every day, our love would not be the same, perhaps it would get old, stale, maybe fade. We have something special, our… relations are strong and although there can be months between our visits it only serves to strengthen our bond when we come together. Por favor, do not blame him…”
“I understand much more than you think, Holly. As long as you are loyal to the other, honest and faithful. That sounds hypocritical coming from me, I know. I was not loyal or honest or faithful to Murdoch. When he began to talk of bringing Scott home to the ranch, I feared for Johnny. The oldest son always inherits the family holdings and what would become of my niño? But it was not the only reason I left, and for that alone, I am sorry for what I did. My intentions were to make sure that Juanito had the best I could give him, but for a woman alone, it is not easy.”
Holly nodded in agreement; she did know that struggle and began to fully comprehend the situation.
“Juanito was always getting into trouble, and it was difficult to keep control of him especially when I had to work, but there was an innocence about him, so sweet… He would steal a rose from another’s garden and leave it on the table for me! I knew he was stealing, but I excused it because it was a gesture of love, his love for me. He knew I loved roses and he did it for me.” Maria smiled at the cherished memory. Johnny knew the sweeter the scent, the more his mother would like them.
“Tell me, Holly, what about Scott? Are they close?” Maria asked.
Holly’s smile grew wide. “Si, they are as close as if they had been raised together! They are both lucky to have found a brother! I understand from what Johnny has told me that it was a very shaky beginning, but they are almost inseparable now.”
Maria smiled. She knew her niño had the ability to charm, his personality could cast its spell, and one was lost in it, and as she watched this young woman, Maria became curious.
“Tell me about you, my dear.”
Holly looked into the eyes of the woman that bore Johnny, the woman that took him from a life of prosperity and dragged him into a world of instability and uncertainty. This woman risked his innocent life with her ill-chosen ways. But she paid the price for those sins and for those she caused Johnny. So, Holly told all.
“I was born in New Mexico. My parents worked on a ranch. Papa was a wrangler for Mr. and Mrs. Martin, and Mama worked in their house. I was born there, and the Martins treated me as their own. My memories of that time are very precious!” Holly said thinking over the cherished thoughts, but then the smile faded.
“One day Papa was killed when a horse he was breaking fell backward, and he was gone. It almost was too much for Mama, but with the kindness of the Martins, they helped her through that bad time. Slowly she recovered, and she met Rafael.
“She married him; I did not like him; he… watched me all the time; it made me feel dirty. After a time a fever came through, and the Martins and Mama died, and I was left alone, except for Rafael.” A coldness came over her as she talked. “He raped me when I was twelve… And then I shot him, with his own gun.” Holly paused and took a deep breath before continuing.
“After that, I did whatever I could to stay alive. And when I was old enough,” she took another shaky breath, “I sold myself. That is when I met Johnny.” Holly knew that this would be the point where Maria would be too disgusted to want to talk anymore.
But Maria halted the slow easy steps through the garden, stopped and turned to face Holly. She saw the pain in the young woman’s tear glazed eyes, eyes full of sadness. Maria wrapped her arms around the girl and held her tight; she felt the girl’s apprehensions. Then she whispered: “I understand what it is like, querida, I know…”
Holly pulled herself together never having been one to wallow in self-pity. She pulled away and smiled shyly.
“Lo siento! I did not mean for that to happen,” Holly apologized.
Maria took her arm again, and they continued their walk. “Do not be sorry, Holly, you do not strike me as one to ask for sympathies. You are a strong woman to have persevered. You are a survivor. You rival Johnny and are worthy of him.”
A thought struck Holly, and she could not help but ask. She caught Maria’s direct gaze. “Did you know we almost had a child?” Holly desperately wanted her to know this and why she couldn’t say.
Maria smiled. She did, indeed, know of the miscarried baby.“Si, I have visited the grave at the lake. I saw the memorial with your initials carved in the stone. It is beautiful, and it is peaceful there. I visit often and have seen Johnny there, and watched him as he set the stones in the earth.”
Holly couldn’t help but ask. “Do you … do you know what it was, niño or niña?” Her look was anxious; she wondered if Maria would know.
Maria smiled a bit and shook her head no. “No, chica, it was not meant to be known, I am sorry, Holly.”
They continued their walk; Holly was finally getting to know the woman Johnny called his Mother and Maria becoming acquainted with the woman that held her son’s heart with her sweet and honest disposition, strong soul and intelligent mind.
Maria was aware of the fact her son loved and lusted after this woman with carnal appetites that challenged her own in her day. But Maria understood well that part of a relationship and was thankful that this girl matched those appetites and they both seemed to be satisfied with their arrangement. It was certainly not for most couples but then Maria thought that these two exceptional people were not most couples.
Whatever it took to work was what Maria would support. Had she been there to support Johnny in his younger days, who knew, maybe she would have come to her senses and gone back to Murdoch. Then, again, maybe not. But just maybe Johnny would have had a better start, and ‘Madrid’ wouldn’t have been… Maybe.
Holly knew this woman had agonized over what had been. It could not have been an easy thing to do; watch your son face off against many, many men in the streets; sometimes injured, and to wait for those unbearable moments to tick by until the gunfight played out to reveal the winner… and loser. To have to stand by and not be able to do anything about it was a Hell no parent should have to experience. How many times had Maria watched? How many times had she sat with Johnny when he was hurt, bleeding, his life burning away with fever? Did he know she was there with him every time? Holly wondered.
But now, having met the woman, Holly understood a few things, too. That Maria had acknowledged her mistakes and seemed to repent was enough; it was enough for her. No one knew what it was like to live that life; whether chosen or not, it was extremely hard to change it. And there would always be the chance for someone to recognize you from years prior. Holly had always wondered why it had been acceptable for men to visit the bordellos, but when discovered a woman worked there, for whatever reason, the disreputable reputation followed her forever, until death. How was that fair? she thought. And the answer was, it wasn’t.
Johnny helped her through the ugliness of that inequity, and now Holly had Maria’s help, too. She knew…
“What are you thinking, chica?” Maria asked as Holly became quiet, the question so sweetly put to voice that Holly had to smile.
She held tightly to Maria’s hand finding the kind of comfort that only came from a mother and reveled in the fact that it was Johnny’s Mother that had come to her, and seemed to seek her out.
“I was thinking about your son. The support he’s given me and the love! He is the best man I have ever known; he has put me before himself in everything. He treats me with respect and honor, and he will never know what this means to me!”
Maria sighed at Holly’s comment. She was very pleased but also a bit sad at the things Holly told her.
“Unfortunately he didn’t learn that from me. Where he did, though, is a mystery…” Maria confessed and as Holly watched she saw what was in the woman’s heart, regret, grief and… love for her son.
“I do know that he has a naturally kind and generous heart. He was born with it. That makes it part of you.” Holly turned to her and Maria’s eyes started to tear.
This was a woman worthy of her son, and it pleased Maria that Holly never prejudged her for her indiscretions. The more Maria heard about her son, the more pleased she became, the pride evident in her eyes. If only she could have been there for him when he needed her and to witness some of the kind things he’d done. Maria smiled, and Holly heard it in her voice.
“Tell me about him, what good things he has done!” Maria asked, anxious and already proud.
Holly took a deep breath. Oh, where do I start? So she started at their beginning.
“I have told you about his bravery in rescuing me when we met; there was the part he played in the revolution. It was very dangerous, but he gave the people back their honor and dignity. To this day they think of Johnny Madrid as their hero. And since he has been home at Lancer, he has helped most of the people in the valley. Once a small girl had been kidnapped and taken into the mountains. Everyone thought that she was gone forever, but Juanito went up there, alone, no one gave it much of a chance for success, but he traveled through dangerous territory and brought the girl safely home.
“And then there was the time Scott was caught in a cave-in in an abandoned mine. Johnny found a back entrance and brought his brother out; others had deemed the rescue as hopeless. He has helped the sheriff in Salinas many times to bring justice.” Holly stopped to take a deep breath, and Maria knew something troubled the young woman.
Holly went on: “Johnny stopped a man who was following me… he kidnapped me, held me prisoner and… the man… Johnny killed him with his bare hands even after he’d been seriously wounded. He took a bullet to his leg at point-blank range and almost bled to death in front of me, but he… it was as if he suddenly exploded to attack the man, and overpowered him.” Holly’s voice trailed away, and Maria knew it had been a traumatic and violent incident.
Maria pulled her into a hug. “I am so very proud of my son… and so very shamed by my own actions. I failed him in every way…”
Holly pulled back to see Maria’s face. “But he loves you so much, even now…”
The hitch in Maria’s breath betrayed her. She didn’t want to cry, but the thought of Johnny loving her still after all this time, after all the things she’d done… and didn’t do… overwhelmed her emotions.
Holly embraced Maria. “He loves you; please do not forget that your son loves you!”
Composed now, Maria turned and looked around the garden. They had talked about many things, both women finding things they had not known before, and thankful for this wonderful, beautiful encounter and the chance to know the other.
“He will be waking soon and will need you. I must go now.” Maria whispered.
Holly nodded. “Will you come again to see me? See us?” Holly asked, her sweet smile hopeful.
Maria shrugged, not committing. “I will try.” And with that Maria Lancer faded from Holly’s sight.
The Spirit hovered over Holly as she lay asleep and wept tears of joy; the tears rained down to trickle over Holly’s cheek and then she floated over Johnny and with a brush as soft as butterfly wings placed a kiss on his hot and flushed cheek, then slowly disappeared.
Holly slowly opened her eyes and blinked. She wiped away tears, had she cried in her sleep? Then remembered the dream in the garden with Maria and her tears gathered in her black diamond eyes at the precious and treasured moments that she would never forget. She lifted her head to watch as Johnny moved toward her, a smile tickling his lips as he realized she was next to him. His eyes opened a bit, but he was puzzled.
“Johnny, are you alright, querido?” Holly asked.
His eyes moved around the room for a minute before he spoke the words that would shock her to her core.
“Roses… I… smell roses…” he mumbled as gentle sleep enveloped him once more.
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~end~
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