I guess it'd have to be driving drunk

Earlier today I vandalized a neighbor's yard sale sign in front of my house. Neighbor threatened to call cops.

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>>947718120 (OP)
This one time I the whole box.

I crossed a road outside of a crosswalk

Drugs at illegal underground raves.

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>>947718120 (OP)
>Don’t worry, the police have better things to do than monitoring /b/,

Scraped another car in the parking lot of a Target. Was high as fuck and fled the scene. Somehow it doesn’t bother me as much as other duckups in my life.

I jumped into a pool 5 minutes after eating. I shouldn't be alive.

i once said the f-word

>>947718120 (OP)
I was fucking a chubby Chinese massage girl who didn't speak English. Iv was standing and she was sitting on the edge of the massage table. I wanted to do her doggy style, so I went to flip her over. She obviously didn't want to and resisted, but I overpowered her, flipped her over and hit that fat booty from behind.

>>947719303
Isn't that what they're for?

Paid a bubble butt street hooker extra to let me hit in a dirty alley

>>947718120 (OP)
I had sex outside of wedlock, in violation of the laws of God and man.

>>947718120 (OP)
I shot a man in Reno

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>>947718120 (OP)
kek, the worst things someone who isn't me (SWIM) has done do not have statute of limitations, and everything on this board is archived forever so I'm not sayin' shit about SWIM. I've been around this board for about 18 years. SWIM has seen and done some shit he can never tell anyone. I have seen things you wouldn't believe. I am so lucky & grateful to alive at all and never landed in prison

>>947718120 (OP)
Either driving 65 km/h in a 60 zone, or one of the murders. Depends on your interpretation of the law.

>>947719355
For fucking, or for doggy style specifically? I guess you could argue that the main purpose of fat booty is so you can enjoy hitting it from behind.

>>947718120 (OP)
I turned in a library book 4 days late.

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Forgot ro return a library book from 4th grade. Ive been hiding since. The interest alone must be astronomical. Im sorry it was an accident!! I didnt understand the repercussions

I tore off the warning label of a mattress….surely a monster like me shouldn’t be allowed to exist

>>947719442
just to watch him die?

>>947718120 (OP)
Call the f.b.i and make a victims report against multiple counties, because people are wrongfully using my name.

I'm in a situation that involves, ransom money... And I don't want these people to get paid.

I hate you spick..

>>947718120 (OP)
Once, I removed the tag on a mattress.

>>947718120 (OP)
one time I completely the mattress tag

TECHNICALLY, it was not a war crime the first time, it had to be done once to be added to the geneva convention checklist

I was walking out late at night and it started to rain. And I saw this drenched kitten sheltering under a car that was still warm from the engine. So I say near the car and pet it. Even though it wasn't my cat. The cat even made noises that sounded like meows to indicate I was actually petting it and not doing it wrong. So yeah:
>petted someone else's cat
>didn't get caught

still think about it sometimes.

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Probably when I would go to raves and go to the most crowded venues to look for smaller girls who seemed to be with few friends or alone. Using the crowds I would place myself behind them and see how far I could get away with my hands. I've learned that if a girl doesn't stop you from feeling up her ass, she most likely won't stop you from rubbing her pussy
Pic not related but rave related

>>947718120 (OP)
Thought antisemitic thoughts.

I think I'm probably safe by now. It's been awhile, but I once returned a Block Buster tape without rewinding it. They tried to charge me the fine, but I ran out of the store, got into my car and drove away.
I have moved and changed my name multiple times since the incident.
I still occasionally wake up in a cold sweat thinking I still may be apprehended.

>>947722339
you just couldn't resist that pussy

>>947722400
Music festivals were great for this. I don't do it any more, post Me Too, but I did it a shit load before then. I once spent the entirety of a Metallica set feeling up a Chinese girl.

>>947722400
>dumb bitch at Coachella

Hope you washed your hands, rave chicks are disgusting

I'm such a pussy. Deleted post.

>>947718120 (OP)
Did the stripper not mind? Or the strip club's owner? Both? Even with permission by the stripper it'd probably have gone against the strip club's rules and you'd have gotten kicked out but it wouldn't have been illegal.

Smuggled illegal immigrants into USA some 30 years ago , I still talk to them once in a while and they are already have green cards

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>>947722268
>checklist
based StarSector enjoyer

Sold 'herbs' to someone and almost killed them over it.
It was my first and only sale, I managed to acquire a good amount of herbs like $50 worth and knew a college classmate was looking for some. They played the "herbs now, pay later" card which I felt was okay at the time because I saw them every day but despite that, when I eventually came knocking they downright told me they were never going to pay me and that I'm not getting shit. Would have beaten them up then and there if I didn't feel like catching a charge and losing my scholarship. That $50 was supposed to get me groceries for the next 2 weeks, which meant I had to eat ice and expired noodles for 2 weeks. That happened about 10 years ago, I don't do herbs at ALL anymore, not a lick of it, but if I ever saw them again I wouldn't hesitate to give them that beating I should've owed them 10 years ago, I got NOTHING to lose anymore.

>>947718120 (OP)
I travelled to Estonia when I was in my early 20s. My friends and I went to a strip club and they paid for me to get a private dance. We were all pretty drunk by this point. So I went to the back room with the stripper and she grinded on me then put her tits in my face. I kissed her nipple and immediately three huge russian bouncers came into the room and started yelling. The stripper calmed them down and wagged her finger at me. Needless to say we fucking ran out of that place afterward.

>>947718120 (OP)
i ripped the tag of a mattress

Got a handjob from a puerto rican hooker in a side alley in NYC for $5. She had nice big ol titties and was having an argument in Spanish with her hooker friends the whole time she was jerking me off.
I've never felt so alive.

>>947719123
>I jumped into a pool 5 minutes after eating. I shouldn't be alive.
That's not following Grandma's advice, but the topic is illegal.

Doctors say grandma was telling us a myth about swimming after eating. She told us other "old wives' tales" too.

lied and falsified evidence to use taxpayer funds to spy on innocent american citizens and spent millions of dollars. i just keep doing it.

>>947719423
Maybe you're not too damned if it was in the missionary position.

>>947722182
>one time I completely the mattress tag
You did what to the mattress tag? Fucked it?
That's not illegal.

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In the early 2000's I guess I technically raped a korean girl

>>947718391

I was charged with kidnapping in my 20s, and was arrested for it. They wouldn't give me a band, and I sat in jail for a couple months, until one day, they called my name and told me "pack it up, you're going home"

the woman who accused me of kidnapping had gone to the solicitor's office and signed affidavits claiming she wasn't kidnapped, and exonerating me completely. (It was a former girlfriend who was mad at me)

Thankfully, they dropped all the charges, and not surprisingly, she wanted to start eating again...

so I ended up grudge-fucking her for a couple months

>>947718120 (OP)

THE PUNCHLINE: I actually technically DID kidnap her, or more accurately, False Imprisonment.

I locked the door with a key and told her "you're not going anywhere until we have this conversation"

(a conversation about us breaking up, and who got the 2 cats named Napoleon and Nagel)

>>947726613

Weird typos

BOND* they wouldn't give me a BOND
because it was kidnapping

DATING* not eating
Not surprisingly, after having my charges dropped, jill wanted to start DATING* again

POSSIBLY MURDERED SOMEONE;

the guy's name was Bart, a regular at a nightclub I frequented... Bart was a pompous self entitled asshole, who ALWAYS used to grab the drink out of people's hands and swing it down.

He did it to me countless times, and other people as well.

One night I decided to put Visine™ (tetrahydrozoline) into a drink and walk past Bart... a squirt of Visine in a drink will give somebody instant diarrhea

I squeezed almost the entire bottle of Visine™ into a vodka and cranberry, and walked past Bart and BINGO!!!

HE GRABBED THE DRINK OUT OF MY HAND and turned it back, killing the entire drink like it was ice water

I never saw Bart again after that night. He was a regular, a permanent fixture at that club.

...........never saw him again

By the way, the VISINE TRICK was an old classic bartenders secret

It was reserved for those special 'impossible customers', and after drinking only just one squeeze of Visine, that customer would suddenly get diarrhea

As in: they'd literally shit their pants right there in the bar

I never knew Tetrahydrozoline could be lethal in larger amounts until many years later

But I never saw Bart again after that night

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>>947718120 (OP)

Did you know that the pH of urine can cure an eye infection?

True

In fact, in ancient times, if someone got conjunctivitis or another eye infection, it was common for the other tribesmen to urinate directly into his eye. And as weird as it sounds, it would clear up the infection fast.

Remove the M from Murine, and what have you got?

>>947726739
>>947726800
>>947726848
Logfaggots updated lolvis prompt again, yaay!

>>947724248
>and they are already have green cards
Why are foriegners teying to push immigration as an issue. We are satisfied with the work ICE is performing.

>>947718120 (OP)
Set my flat on fire with flatmates still asleep in there. Another time I broke into a abandoned house and slept the night in there to be arrested in the morning. But it's okay, I'm allowed to do that because schizophrenia and didn't get in any legal trouble for it.

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>>947726882

you're literally clueless, aren't you?

not only do you think I'm logfag (I am NOT logfag, and nothing about us is even vaguely similar)

but you also claim I'm a 'bot'

hahahaha

you're all over the place, huh?

>>947719284
Is prison fun?

>>947726953
Sure thing logfag prompt.

>>947726961

Yes and no

No, it's not fun

but YES.... YES you can make the most of even the worst situation, just to prevent you from going insane

You have no choice but to find happiness

>>947726953
Proof?

>>947726988

..........if you only knew how dumb you look

>>947726993
Nobody asked you faggot, keep to your (you)s

>>947727009
>you look dumb as an anonymous person on 4chan
Uhhh right, go back to discord logfag

>>947727022

you're not anonymous

You're the idiot who thinks I'm logfag

you're the guy with ZERO observational skills

you're the guy who thinks real life can be described in trendy imageboard catchphrases

I don't give a fuck about your name

I know exactly who you are

YOU'RE THE CLUELESS IDIOT WHO THINKS HE'S MUCH SMARTER THAN HE ACTUALLY IS YOU GOING TO GET FOOD CALM DOWN

I got a hold of a teensy weensy bit of that weedle-dee-deed but it was illegal

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LOL @ my speech to text catching me telling my cats I'm about to feed them and to stop crying

Hahahahaha

>>947727022

..... Are there any other laughable misperceptions you'd like to get out of the way while you're on a roll?

Perhaps you could accuse me of being semi translucent, or maybe

>>947727022

Maybe you could accuse me of inventing the automobile?

Or perhaps I'm made out of feathers...

You might as well go ahead and get all of your misperceptions out of the way

Maybe I'm secretly Danny DeVito?

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>>947718120 (OP)

A dude I knew ripped me off a few thousand bucks in a drug deal when I was a young man

so around 2 AM I went to his house and silently destroyed TWO BRAND NEW CARS... A Mercedes and a BMW, both of them brand fucking new

>>947727223
Man, you've actually got to get a hold of a teensy weensy bit of that weedle-dee-deed

>>947727339

I've got some good indica and I just rolled a joint for my wife but I'm not smoking today.

Instead, I'm decarboxylating 2 grams and going to eat it instead

>>947727339

Eating it is much better, anyway...

The buzz lasts for 8 to 10 hours

>>947718120 (OP)

I can talk about the two cars, because the statute of limitations ran out on that crime a long time ago

I raped your mother about 9 months before you were born

>>947728394
Dad?!?

>>947726613
you took her back for even one second after all of that fucking drama?
retard

>>947719396
so the most illegal thing you did was overpay?

>>947720995
no, just to watch him coom. he had a very weird fetish.

>>947718221
This. Where I live, I learned it's very common and most people have done it at some point

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I once had sex in the mission position for the sole purpose of procreation

Not illegal but felt like it. Strip searching young guys. I tried to do it politely but sometimes I had to just stand there and watch as another guy yelled orders at a room of naked boys and had them spread their cheeks and stuff

>>947731580
Wisconsin?

>>947731791
No, rural area of another state. I know Wisconsin is notorious though

>>947727394
Listen I got a pack of those gummies at the weed store the other day and I got fucking BLASTED out of my god damn fucking MIND

>>947727084
The devil's lettuce?

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>>947718120 (OP)
Lmao... Lookie lookie who's down for the action

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>>947726898
>>>947724248
>>and they are already have green cards
>Why are foriegners teying to push immigration as an issue. We are satisfied with the work ICE is performing.
How is ICE doing?
Image related.

A few days ago, I was emptying a plastic bag full of organic refuse into a big deep bin meant exclusively for recycling biodegradable matter. I accidentally dropped the bag in. I then fled the scene, having done nothing to attempt to fish the bag out, nor to notify the authorities. I've heard nothing about it since, and I think I got away with it, but at the same time, I feel guilty and nervous. I'm sleeping poorly, because the chance of waking to that knock on the door in the early morning hours is weighing on my mind.

>>947718120 (OP)
Ended up on national news over a joke because a girl wanted to get me in trouble.

It wasn’t intentionally illegal, but I’d say the gravity of it meets the qualifiers. I was even an “injustice of the week” on /pol/ for a while. They harassed the police station for fucking up the investigation so badly and ignoring crucial evidence.

Text went to 12 people 1 person tells mayor
No one spoke to the other 11 people to wonder why they weren’t alarmed
Had texts proving girl “wanted to get me in trouble but didn’t expect it to be so bad”.

Was a really fun time, and didn’t completely destabilize my life for the next half-decade.

It all worked out in the end, I have a brain tumor now. I’m a lucky guy. (Legitimately though, I got to do things I only used to dream of with music & entertainment)
Life’s a funny thing.

>>947735732
>It all worked out in the end, I have a brain tumor now. I’m a lucky guy.
Errrrr, what?!?

>>947735874
HEALTH GOT ME THROUGH A BAD TIME BY MAKING IT WORSE

>>947735732
Fair warning my story might nuke the thread

Any time it’s ever brought up on here threads die
Very intrasante

>>947718120 (OP)
Did shrooms. That's like 5 years in prison where I live.

I stole an eraser that goes on the tip of a pencil, shaped like a triceratops that was worth a quarter, in 1998
I still have it somewhere in my stuff that I don't want to throw away..

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Homeless population recently exploded because of the recent expansion on this side of town.

>live on boring side of town, state highway, two gas stations, McDonalds, Taco Bell, Wendy's, and a Walmart and Dillons.
>Couple local fast food chains.
>Nothing major until around 3 years ago.
>Only crime is someone forgetting turn signal, or occasional crackhead or dumbass teen.
>Suddenly within 3 years
>Devs drop a full DLC pack
>Casey’s, IHOP, Starbucks, Qdoba, Chipotle
>All spawn in same 2-mile radius
>Neighborhood goes from “quiet suburb”
>To “fast travel hub”
>Homeless population quickly migrates over
>Fast travel unlocked
>Starbucks at the interchange becomes main quest hub
>Now there’s always at least 2 NPCs outside
>Others setting up camp near Casey's like it’s base building
>Trash everywhere, shopping carts where they should not be
>Recently they've got to the point they're standing on curbs directly looking into your vehicle
>Me: “man what do I even do about this”
>Decide to be a good person
>Roll up window down
>“hey you want some food?”
>They light up like you just dropped a legendary item
>“yeah man!”
>“bet, hop in”
>They get in my Ford Ranger.
>Probably thinking free Ihop combo inbound
>Start driving
>Keep driving
>Keep driving
>Leave the fast food cluster
>Leave their entire known map area
>Pull up to workforce center 7 miles across town
>“alright bro, quest objective updated”
>Realization hits them like a truck
>“THIS ISN’T STARBUCKS”
>Instant rage mode unlocked
>Them: absolutely fucking livid
>Me: Driving away as they hop out pissed off.

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>>947736888
Nice trips

>Them: absolutely fucking livid
>Me: Getting my car stolen and getting topped by 5 crackheads because I was retarded enough to let them in my car and thought they would just leave after I lied to them and drove them miles away

>>947718120 (OP)
Drove while in acid

>>947737878
*On acid

I poured caprisun in a glass once

>>947737878
>>947737887
Kek

>>947718120 (OP)
Stealing peoples mail and lighting it on fire, way back like 16 years ago. Buddy and I would do that

>>947718120 (OP)
When I was 12 me & one of the girls I went to school with recorded us having sex.

I have been and continue to see multiple prostitutes to add to my body count, even though I don't have much money. I try to only find ones willing to fuck raw, and fill them up with cum. I have destroyed my finances, but I can't stop doing it. I don't know why I find it so intoxicating. I have a problem.

>>947719479
nobody knows who you are+ nobody gaf + not mysterious + old fart + die alone

>>947722400
Are you tall and buff?
I can’t do this shit Becuase they just scream for thier boyfriend who decks me.

>>947723288
That sounds magical

>>947740365
crazy that this thread is still up from LN, but no not tall or buff. It's more of a numbers game in the crowd. The worst thing I've had happen is the girl tried to slap me, but usually they just grab your forearms and try to move away. I do agree with the other guy tho, chinese girls almost never move you just have to scope out the situation to see if she's with anyone