CODE RED I HAD THE “CONVO” WITH MY WIFE!!
It went about as horrible as expected. Said she can’t be with anyone that’s feminine that she only likes masc men. She was supportive and saying I can do that but there’s no way that we would keep our family together. She says she thinks I will never truly be happy and that one day I’ll wake up and it will be to unbearable and I’ll leave her. The only thing in my life that I know for sure is that I love her and my family. She loves me so she is worried about me but I’ve hid this secret for damn near 10 years and I guess it’ll go the grave with me :( Says she thinks it deeper than what I’m telling her and that it’s okay she just can’t personally be with me. That would split my family and that’s last thing I want to ever happen. Any advice? :(
Hi OP this is a big day for you.
Valid, she has her preferences.
It is likely not possible.
Deeply insightful from her, you can't keep this supressed and also be happy.
You can be there for your children and for yourself and let your wife find the person she is searching for.
No you can't cats outta the bag. It wouldn't be fair to either of you.
Huge day but horrible result
Nowhere to go but up. Every begining comes from an end.
Not exactly.
This was the truth whether you knew it or not. Before now, there was no path forward at all. You would continue to be miserable and your relationship would continue to be off and it wouldn't get better.
Now there is a path forward. It's not a perfect path, but it is possible to reach a point in your life where you are yourself, you and your wife are still a part of each other's lives, and you are both there for your children.
You could never have continued on this trajectory forever. The only way out is through, but now at least you know where you are going. You lose a few things chasing a dream, but the dream is worth it and you'll be surprised by how much stays.
To be blunt. If she's not attracted to women, can't see herself being happy with a woman... Ripping the Band-Aid off like this might be best case scenario. If she's straight and you're not a man, unless you expect one of those things to magically change you might as well get that dealt with earlier than later.
A life where you're constantly repressing, or one where your partner is fundamentally not attracted to who you're becoming is a slow death to your relationship. One or both of you is going to steadily grow in resentment and things will end badly.
You now have a chance now to redefine your relationship without souring it. Negotiate how you coparent, how you deal with the legal sides of your marriage, what a future friendship looks like etc.
It's going to suck don't get me wrong. You have every reason to experience grief, worry, etc. about it. But it doesn't get better if you drag it out over 5 years before coming to the same conclusion.
This, honestly. It's the best thing for everyone involved. It'll be a tough patch to get through, but when you get through it everyone will be better off for it. The other option would be to pretend like it's not there, and then have it slowly faster into something that's not capable of ending well.
You aren't losing your family. The relationship y'all share with each other is just changing.
Deleted my last comment, i think I misinterpreted OP's post.
This is all a very valid reaction from your Wife
Unfortunately you have opened "pandoras box" and nothing will go back to what it was
Why not I wish I never said anything
Because your wife is going to have to live with the guilt of stopping you from being truly happy and you'll slowly grow to resent her for it
It’s probably not what you want to hear, but she’s probably right. Burying it won’t work, if you try it’ll always be there right below the surface tormenting you. And while it’s incredibly unfortunate that she doesn’t think she would be able to find you attractive with the understanding that you’re a woman, there really isn’t anything she can do about that. If she’s straight she’s straight. She can’t make herself become a lesbian any more than a lesbian can make themselves become straight.
Don’t resent her. Don’t resent yourself. If you aren’t already and have the ability to do so, perhaps consider seeing a therapist to help you maintain your mental health through what is probably one of the tougher moments in your life.
Your wife's reaction was about as positive a reaction as could possibly be expected really, particularly as she's straight. I've never been in a physical/romantic relationship of any description, which whenever I read stories like yours, it makes me all the more relieved that is the case.
If you truly are trans, chances are, your wife is very likely correct that if you don't transition and stay with her, you'll never be truly happy. If you stay together, it's highly likely you'll end up resenting her, she'll end up resenting you, or both of those things simultaneously. Trans people are not a monolith, and there are different levels of dysphoria that can be experienced by any individual person. If your dysphoria isnt particularly severe, its possible you could remain in the closet and pretend to be cis, and for that not to slowly kill you inside. However, I suspect if that had been the case, you wouldn't have came out to your wife in the first place, with all the potential risk that entailed.
Chances are your best bet for remaining on good friendly terms with your wife would be to split up with her now, and allow her and you to find the true happiness you both deserve.
Hey OP, this is basically the plot of I Saw The TV Glow and I think its important that you view your own happiness as a need and something that you deserve.
Couples therapy. It worked for my wife and I. It won’t save your marriage, but it will make whatever outcome happens, easier on you both.
I was exactly where you are right now, some years ago, and swore the same ”i kept it down for so long, i can keep doing it indefinitely”. I lasted a month. When you open the box once you cannot close it again.
And going ”I wish I had never said anything” is useless, you came out because you had no choice anymore.
I'm glad you were honest with your wife. She deserved to that. Respect her boundaries. Only you will be able to decide if transition is right for you. You have one life. I wish you happiness with your choice.
I had that level a few times in 14 years, then she left. Now 4 years after, we are better friends than we were married and I wish I had stuck to my guns at 4 years in.
Hey OP, I wanted to say a few things about this.
TL;DR: This is an ongoing conversation, not one and done, and once the two of you get over your initial shock you should continue sitting down (possibly with a gender affirming therapist in a couple’s setting) and talking about each of your needs, your support for eachother, and how best you two can meet those needs and also the needs of your children. This is you and her against the problem, not you two against eachother.
I know it feels horrible right now, but first and foremost this is actually one of several possible good outcomes.
This is an ongoing conversation. It isn’t one and done, nothing has been signed, and no irrevocable action has been taken.
She is supportive and wants you to be happy and live as you. That is the single best outcome to the question of “is she accepting of who I am and what I need to do to become that?”
She clearly loves you and that isn’t going to change. Her ability to be sexually attracted to and involved with you is not the same as her loving you as a person. Your and her ability to love eachother, be family, be friends, be good parents, be involved in eachother’s lives, and be supportive of eachother is unchanged.
Your ability to have sex with eachother is definitely impacted, though that is actually a more complicated question than just “am I attracted to femininity” in my quasi-professional experience. But a relationship, and especially the shared goal of parenting, is entirely separate from the question of whether or not 2 parents can fuck.
Your support and love for eachother is entirely separate from her sexual attraction to you.
You both need to hold onto and come to terms with that.
Wishing you both the best, this is difficult. But eventually will result in you both being happier.
Yea, she's right about you never being happy trying to pretend to be cis. It just doesn't work, at least not in most cases. It will be a festering wound in your psyche if you try. I know it's hard, especially if your wife is straight. She knows your truth now and, well, there's no putting that back in the bottle and frankly it's one of the many reasons being trans royally sucks, especially for those of us who did not come out util we were adults with a life and family. It does sound like she cares about you, though. She also seems to understand that being trans isn't something that just goes away with effort. I don't know where your journey will take you, but hopefully at the very least you and your wife can still at least be close friends.
You gotta choose what to sacrifice.
Yourself or your marriage.
I don’t think that’s even an option. Sacrificing oneself is almost guarantied to poison the relationship.
OP, I read one of the most insightful things ever on a Tinder profile of all places.
"It's all downhill from here." We say that when shit hits the fan, but have you ever traversed a hill?
It gets easier from this point forward.
Own it, sister. If this is your truth, then the only possible happy way forward is to own your truth.
All the love. You got this!
I had a similar start. I confided in my wife about two years ago that I liked being feminine. Like yours, she said that she only likes masculine men and that exploring this would end our marriage. To save our family, I promised to suppress it, I even grew out a full beard (which I hate but she's always loved) just to overcompensate.
Then at the end of last year, she ended things. She told me she couldn't be with a woman and that she knew I wasn't truly happy as a man. She realized that neither of us were being honest, and that in different ways it was negatively affecting our whole family.
It's still raw and hurts, but she was right.
I don't know what is best for you and your family, but as others have already said: Pandora's box is open now. Even if you try to stuff it back in, you might find that it just doesn't fit anymore.
I had the exact same conversation last week. I took have decided to choose her but it feels like an impossible situation with two terrible outcomes.
Happy to DM to chat more.
Coming out affects everyone close to you. She is entitled to her feelings just like you are. It’s a huge change for everyone. I, personally, wouldn’t be with someone feminine because I’m not attracted to that. It’s a hard thing for everyone.
Accurate. So many trans women have become co-dependent with their wives that they know that their partner won't love the real them and just stay, anyways. It's unfair to their partners. They are giving a false version of themselves to someone that has given their true self to the relationship. Late trans women's wives are women worthy of the same respect and consideration that we are. Most of us (people, in general) have ex-partners that we have maintained some degree of friendship with. Lots of us have had friends that we were in love with, that didn't feel the same
To the OP:
The responsible and adult thing to do is amicably recognize the incompatibility and support each other respectfully. If that has to be done from a further distance, then so be it. To fail to meet that responsibility is to turn love into resentment. If you truly love your wife, respect her choices and be honest with her. She deserves it and so do you.
The one thing I'd would mention to both yourself and your wife is that transitioning is not a quick process and everyone's end goal is different. You shouldn't jump to conclusions.
For one of my partners (a trans man), the main cause of dysphoria is their pronouns. However, their presentation can vary even going into hyper feminine: dysphoria can manifest in a variety of different ways.
My advice would be to isolate and identify those things which make you dysphoric and approach them first and see how you feel. There's no guarantee but there may be a chance you can find a balance that makes everyone happy.
I think her reaction is extremely valid, except the part where she invalidated your truth of being transgender. The idea that you're going to somehow regret being exactly what you already know you are is ridiculous and pretty transphobic. I'm sorry she said that to you. You may have a long road ahead with navigating this but I do hope it brings you more freedom, and if you want it, a partner who sees you as you without feeling the need to invalidate you like that.
I read that as she thinks OP will not be able to live as a male and will come to a point where not transitioning is unbearable. Someone correct me if I'm wrong but it honestly sounds like a very mature (and correct) thing to say, as much as it probably hurt to do so.
It wasn’t clear, but I think OP meant that if they didn’t transition, this is what their wife thinks will happen. And she’s not completely wrong. It doesn’t sound like OP would leave, but waking up with it being unbearable? Almost for certain.
It might be as she says. It also might not - my partner had a meltdown when I told her I was pretty sure I was trans, and then another three years later when I told her that I needed to actually transition, and we are still together 2 years later. Funnily enough her own hormone difficulties have been WAY harder on us than anything to do with transition.
Do not let this rob you of more years. Respect her boundaries, and your own. It will be hard, but it will be much better than continuing to carry the lie for everyone else's sake.
I know this comment will almost certainly get deleted, but what the hell. Why not. I had a similar situation to yours. Very similar. I decided to never transition. Now I’m ftm (which is another reason this comment will probably get deleted) and ftms have some health issues with transition that mtf usually doesn’t. Anyway, I decided not to transition. Instead, I worked on figuring out what about transition was so appealing. Is it the clothes? Because clothes can be subtly worked into my everyday wear. Is it a physical feature like long hair? Plenty of men grow their hair long. For me it was muscles. I didn’t need HRT for that. I just started exercising. Every day. I started seeing changes a few weeks in, and then I started feeling better. Healthy diet and exercise and now I look a lot better overall. It doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, looking healthier and more attractive helps. I still have my family, and I’ve “fixed” many of the things that were driving me nuts. I hope this finds you and helps you. Good luck OP.
absolutely and 100% valid on her part!
DM me if you like. I can share my experiences with this exact same scenario. I can tell you the mistakes I have taken so you can avoid those mistakes as well.
Time to move on. You can get over a breakup. Those are wounds that will heal. Repressing one's true self is the type of thing that will fester like an infection and only gets worse with time. If you try to bury it, you would come to regret that choice.
Accept your fate and go on with your transition. The outing infront of the most important person after yourself is done. Its always hard, but it will be better days when you proceed your journey