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Try to reframe it as a group process instead of something personal. Groups are known to reject new members and especially new co-leaders and can very quickly form a dynamic of scape goating.
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I was so upset that I had to call my own therapist today and she told me similar and also that she’s had groups turn on her.
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Thank you. That’s really helpful. I should motivate myself to read Yalom again.
I feel sorry for you jumping into a group as the first thing you did coming back after a year off. I think groups are one of the hardest things we do, and it would have been nice to ease back into it with something less challenging. We all put our foot in our mouth sometimes. It will not be your last time because you are human. You did what you could to repair it and that is important. I encourage you to forgive yourself for an unintentional error.
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Thank you. I told them that I do not have specialized training with that particular group’s population and they still assigned me there. I was allowed to release the group today because a) the relationship between myself and the members is beyond repair at this point, b) the clients deserve a therapist with the training to provide them with the best care, and c) I’m human too and I don’t deserve to be treated that way.
Oh, yikes. Returning back after a year away to solo a telehealth group that is already established sounds like a nightmare on the BEST of days. This is going to be a funny story to tell in a year.
That was insane set up. In my day groups always had 2 leaders. The fact that's changed feels like insurance driving treatment
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Well, if you want to hear something really insane, listen to this: at my previous job, I ran two groups with male offenders on my own. On one of the days, I was completely alone in the building. On another day, I had an epileptic seizure and the clients were the ones who had to call me an ambulance.
I was seeing an inmate in county jail. The trustees could wander back where the office was. The cops button to get attention was broken. A Trustee called them and said " Thank you for the pretty lady, but isn't someone going to miss her?"
Oof, what a rough-ass way to re-enter the job after your absence OP.
I had a twit of an instructor dead name me about 5 times in one day and not once did he apologize. And he was teaching a Diversity course!! What a missed opportunity to show us how to respond with care and to repair.
I’ve also misgendered clients, friends, people and had to eat crow and you did exactly the right thing by addressing it immediately. It sounds like that group was primed to attack which is not something anyone could have likely redirected with any success.
It hurts like heck, I know and it’s going to feel crummy. I hope you have some time to self-soothe and regain your footing. 🤝🏼
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Thank you so much. That’s insane that a DIVERSITY instructor dead named you multiple times and not only did they not apologize, but they didn’t even acknowledge. I’m so sorry that happened. Ofc, Idk what that feels like but I can imagine how painful it would be to have the very essence of who you are invalidated like that, especially when you’ve already embraced and become the person you truly are.
You’re absolutely right that both your experience and mine could have been an opportunity to model healthy interpersonal interactions and relationship repair. I’m just now thinking of this. It was a DBT group and we were supposed to be learning DEAR MAN. My mistake would have been such a great way to practice it and even be a corrective emotional experience to show that you can successfully stand up for yourself and assert your needs and emotions to someone in a position of authority. But it was less than 5 minutes into the group when this happened and we didn’t even make it to the first slide of the presentation. It was literally just an hour of me trying to unsuccessfully to regain control while I was being attacked.
I’m going to bet $20 that you’re going to have a wee chuckle about this episode one day. We all have and will continue to have stories just like this one.
What’s your window of tolerance for things going awry in a group session? 😉♥️
Groups can really take on a life of their own from time to time. You did what you were supposed to do in addressing it in the moment. It sounds like there were other things at play that maybe created a vibe that wasn’t too open to accepting that. It’s hard to do, but maybe chat with your supervisor about ways to process THIS in the group next time.
ETA: sorry! Just saw your other comment about being released from this group. Good for you in saying that there needs to be a match of scope/experience to the group!
Group therapy is hard. No matter how many years I've been doing it, I still get a bit nervous, especially in certain dynamics. It takes a lot of mental and emotional energy in ways you wouldn't consider until you find yourself up there balancing the evolving dynamics while still presenting the material or guiding the therapeutic processing. Systems theory really shows itself in these settings, and I don't think anyone is immune to this kind of rupture.
Were you not told what happened in the group that your supervisor mentioned? Sounds like there was some previous damage to the group trust and cohesion/sociometry prior to your group that needs repair. They may need space to process the previous damage before they will work with you. Be gentle with yourself and them. It sounds like you inherited a group that was wounded already. They are probably displacing their emotional hurt on you.
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No, no one told me. Apparently, the therapist they had literally just 10 minutes before me had misgendered someone in the group too.
I really do not miss group work. I'm so sorry this happened to you. This has happened to the best of us when we have a bad group experience and/or we accidentally misspeak. You are allowed to make mistakes, no one is perfect. The great thing is you took accountability. It was an honest mistake. Let them contact the board, I doubt it will do anything to your license. We work with vulnerable groups, and let's be honest, mentally unwell people. All you can do is try to learn from this experience. This does not mean that you are incompetent in your field, this is simply a reminder that you are human. I hope your next group is better. Take care of yourself!!
Oh man I do and I don't miss groups. When a group goes well you feel great but there will always be groups that just don't go well.
I'd be curious what your group was for. Substance abuse and personality disorders are notorious for being a 50/50 shot depending on the phase of the moon and the mood of the clients.
I used to call the crap we would go through in the treatment agency I worked with "Social Work Bingo" being threatened with a lawsuit, called incompetent. You just checked off like 4 boxes, when you get a bingo you're allowed a mental health day lol.
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Omg Social Work Bingo is incredible 😂 It was a DBT group specific to LGBTQ+. So, I think because I misgendered one person, the entire group felt threatened which is why they all attacked me.
I really feel for you. It's a mistake I think most of us has have made, whether it's with a client or just another person in our life. I'm passing along a link to an incredible podcast episode I just heard with the non-binary poet, Andrea Gibson, who died last year. She says when she was younger, and before she was dxd with cancer, she had strong reactions to being misgendered. She says after the perspective shifting that she experienced with cancer, she says she wants to hug people who inadvertently misgender someone. She gets that they meant no harm, that they were simply being human and made a mistake, as you did. And as we all do, therapist or not. I really feel for you, this sounds exquisitely painful . I hope you get all the support you need and deserve to work through this.
I’m sorry this happened. I think it’s important to recognize that you were nervous, you made an honest mistake, and you took accountability. This is the best you could do. You can’t control what others are going to do or how they will react.
Their reaction was not what you should reasonably expect. This was extremely reactive and they dropped into calling names. You were not in a positive situation with a group that should be a group. This was not a positive outcome but perhaps you can recognize that a positive outcome might be very difficult to achieve with this group.
I am so sorry you were treated this way. I think clients can forget we are human too and that we are trying our best. Lean into supervision to prep for next group so you feel confident going in! You got this
Not your fault. No matter how careful we are, no matter how much we try, we WILL offend somebody, sometime. In those moments, how we feel, as therapists, often depends on whether or not the person offended years is with grace, but it really shouldn't depend on that. Some will be kind and forgiving, others will be hateful or at least hurtful as in this case, but nothing you are doing will make the difference--it will be how they feel and how developed and emotionally intelligent they are that will make the difference.
You can feel awful even if you've done all the right things to respond to it. Some folks are just deeply hurt and some know what else to do but to dump it into the next person they find that gives them an excuse to. Those people also deserve compassion and care, but their opinions aren't necessarily well-founded and their evaluation of you isn't trustworthy and fair.
That’s so hard. I have had a group turn on me before too. Maybe hearing a similar experience can help you feel less alone.
My memory is atrocious, and I’m low vision (didn’t know it at the time, I wore glasses but thought everyone saw like me, long story) As an intern (second year placement in person, first placement was also all group therapy, in person) in group therapy, I continually mixed up 3-4 clients’ names. The 3-4 of them were black. I got everyone else’s names right but theirs after 2-3 weeks.
One day they decided to give me hell about it and they and several others in the group started calling me racist and all sorts of things. I felt genuinely awful going in every session not remembering or being able to identify who is who. It was so embarrassing and so when they called me out, it hit hard. I wanted to cry so badly. Most of them walked out of the room and the few that were left and I briefly discussed it.
The next session, a few of them apologized because the director called them out. I apologized to them and said I would try harder to get names straight. We talked about the intensity of reactions and how we could have talked through it more calmly. It ended up being g used for therapeutic purpose.
Groups are hard. Extremely hard. Harder than most people realise.
What happened is not your fault though. What to do after this is a matter for supervision, though. I'd personally be very direct in bringing the incident up at the next session to make a very clear interpretation regarding inverted agressor-victim dyads. It's a very good case for some emotional disclosure (how you ended up feeling devastated, as a starting point for a countertransferential interpretation).
But given your personal circumstances, you may not be up for this.
Whatever happens, rest assured this isn't on you, or a reflection on you as a therapist.
I make mistakes as a therapist, I imagin most of us do sometimes. I am sometimes too hard on myself when it happens but not for long. It’s just human to make mistakes sometimes. As for clients being unkind or making fun of things about me, that has happened too occasionally. If I were you about the lisp issue I would find a way to let them know that making fun of you is not okay and hurtful.
I misgendered a client once, and it was a year after we had been working together. It just slipped. Even when writing notes I would be extra careful not to say the wrong pronoun every time. The hard part was that their chart had their dead name, and it was a very old fashioned feminine name, and so it was constantly having to correct myself when I saw that name. When it happened, I caught it right away and apologized profusely. They knew me well by then, so they just said, "That's okay," and we moved on. I'm so sorry this was not your same experience. You shouldn't have been put in that leadership role right after getting back. What I've found is that many group practices and CMH agencies say they care about the Therapist's well being, but there is a caveat. We care about your well being, just as long as you produce income and don't cause us to lose income. It's never genuine. Don't let this be something that impacts how you feel about yourself. You were set up to fail.
Do not message the mods about this automated message. Please followed the sidebar rules. r/therapists is a place for therapists and mental health professionals to discuss their profession among each other.
If you are not a therapist and are asking for advice this not the place for you. Your post will be removed. Please try one of the reddit communities such as r/TalkTherapy, r/askatherapist, r/SuicideWatch that are set up for this.
This community is ONLY for therapists, and for them to discuss their profession away from clients.
If you are a first year student, not in a graduate program, or are thinking of becoming a therapist, this is not the place to ask questions. Your post will be removed. To save us a job, you are welcome to delete this post yourself. Please see the PINNED STUDENT THREAD at the top of the community and ask in there.
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Try to reframe it as a group process instead of something personal. Groups are known to reject new members and especially new co-leaders and can very quickly form a dynamic of scape goating.
I was so upset that I had to call my own therapist today and she told me similar and also that she’s had groups turn on her.
Thank you. That’s really helpful. I should motivate myself to read Yalom again.
I feel sorry for you jumping into a group as the first thing you did coming back after a year off. I think groups are one of the hardest things we do, and it would have been nice to ease back into it with something less challenging. We all put our foot in our mouth sometimes. It will not be your last time because you are human. You did what you could to repair it and that is important. I encourage you to forgive yourself for an unintentional error.
Thank you. I told them that I do not have specialized training with that particular group’s population and they still assigned me there. I was allowed to release the group today because a) the relationship between myself and the members is beyond repair at this point, b) the clients deserve a therapist with the training to provide them with the best care, and c) I’m human too and I don’t deserve to be treated that way.
Oh, yikes. Returning back after a year away to solo a telehealth group that is already established sounds like a nightmare on the BEST of days. This is going to be a funny story to tell in a year.
That was insane set up. In my day groups always had 2 leaders. The fact that's changed feels like insurance driving treatment
Well, if you want to hear something really insane, listen to this: at my previous job, I ran two groups with male offenders on my own. On one of the days, I was completely alone in the building. On another day, I had an epileptic seizure and the clients were the ones who had to call me an ambulance.
Oof, what a rough-ass way to re-enter the job after your absence OP.
I had a twit of an instructor dead name me about 5 times in one day and not once did he apologize. And he was teaching a Diversity course!! What a missed opportunity to show us how to respond with care and to repair.
I’ve also misgendered clients, friends, people and had to eat crow and you did exactly the right thing by addressing it immediately. It sounds like that group was primed to attack which is not something anyone could have likely redirected with any success.
It hurts like heck, I know and it’s going to feel crummy. I hope you have some time to self-soothe and regain your footing. 🤝🏼
Thank you so much. That’s insane that a DIVERSITY instructor dead named you multiple times and not only did they not apologize, but they didn’t even acknowledge. I’m so sorry that happened. Ofc, Idk what that feels like but I can imagine how painful it would be to have the very essence of who you are invalidated like that, especially when you’ve already embraced and become the person you truly are.
You’re absolutely right that both your experience and mine could have been an opportunity to model healthy interpersonal interactions and relationship repair. I’m just now thinking of this. It was a DBT group and we were supposed to be learning DEAR MAN. My mistake would have been such a great way to practice it and even be a corrective emotional experience to show that you can successfully stand up for yourself and assert your needs and emotions to someone in a position of authority. But it was less than 5 minutes into the group when this happened and we didn’t even make it to the first slide of the presentation. It was literally just an hour of me trying to unsuccessfully to regain control while I was being attacked.
Groups can really take on a life of their own from time to time. You did what you were supposed to do in addressing it in the moment. It sounds like there were other things at play that maybe created a vibe that wasn’t too open to accepting that. It’s hard to do, but maybe chat with your supervisor about ways to process THIS in the group next time.
ETA: sorry! Just saw your other comment about being released from this group. Good for you in saying that there needs to be a match of scope/experience to the group!
sounds like you got ambushed.
Group therapy is hard. No matter how many years I've been doing it, I still get a bit nervous, especially in certain dynamics. It takes a lot of mental and emotional energy in ways you wouldn't consider until you find yourself up there balancing the evolving dynamics while still presenting the material or guiding the therapeutic processing. Systems theory really shows itself in these settings, and I don't think anyone is immune to this kind of rupture.
Were you not told what happened in the group that your supervisor mentioned? Sounds like there was some previous damage to the group trust and cohesion/sociometry prior to your group that needs repair. They may need space to process the previous damage before they will work with you. Be gentle with yourself and them. It sounds like you inherited a group that was wounded already. They are probably displacing their emotional hurt on you.
No, no one told me. Apparently, the therapist they had literally just 10 minutes before me had misgendered someone in the group too.
I really do not miss group work. I'm so sorry this happened to you. This has happened to the best of us when we have a bad group experience and/or we accidentally misspeak. You are allowed to make mistakes, no one is perfect. The great thing is you took accountability. It was an honest mistake. Let them contact the board, I doubt it will do anything to your license. We work with vulnerable groups, and let's be honest, mentally unwell people. All you can do is try to learn from this experience. This does not mean that you are incompetent in your field, this is simply a reminder that you are human. I hope your next group is better. Take care of yourself!!
Oh man I do and I don't miss groups. When a group goes well you feel great but there will always be groups that just don't go well.
I'd be curious what your group was for. Substance abuse and personality disorders are notorious for being a 50/50 shot depending on the phase of the moon and the mood of the clients.
I used to call the crap we would go through in the treatment agency I worked with "Social Work Bingo" being threatened with a lawsuit, called incompetent. You just checked off like 4 boxes, when you get a bingo you're allowed a mental health day lol.
Omg Social Work Bingo is incredible 😂 It was a DBT group specific to LGBTQ+. So, I think because I misgendered one person, the entire group felt threatened which is why they all attacked me.
You took all the heat of the world - get back on the bike 💚
I really feel for you. It's a mistake I think most of us has have made, whether it's with a client or just another person in our life. I'm passing along a link to an incredible podcast episode I just heard with the non-binary poet, Andrea Gibson, who died last year. She says when she was younger, and before she was dxd with cancer, she had strong reactions to being misgendered. She says after the perspective shifting that she experienced with cancer, she says she wants to hug people who inadvertently misgender someone. She gets that they meant no harm, that they were simply being human and made a mistake, as you did. And as we all do, therapist or not. I really feel for you, this sounds exquisitely painful . I hope you get all the support you need and deserve to work through this.
Talking Shit with Andrea Gibso… - F*****g Cancelled - Apple Podcasts https://share.google/pgHJhF45jVENMB93i
I’m sorry this happened. I think it’s important to recognize that you were nervous, you made an honest mistake, and you took accountability. This is the best you could do. You can’t control what others are going to do or how they will react.
Their reaction was not what you should reasonably expect. This was extremely reactive and they dropped into calling names. You were not in a positive situation with a group that should be a group. This was not a positive outcome but perhaps you can recognize that a positive outcome might be very difficult to achieve with this group.
I am so sorry you were treated this way. I think clients can forget we are human too and that we are trying our best. Lean into supervision to prep for next group so you feel confident going in! You got this
Not your fault. No matter how careful we are, no matter how much we try, we WILL offend somebody, sometime. In those moments, how we feel, as therapists, often depends on whether or not the person offended years is with grace, but it really shouldn't depend on that. Some will be kind and forgiving, others will be hateful or at least hurtful as in this case, but nothing you are doing will make the difference--it will be how they feel and how developed and emotionally intelligent they are that will make the difference.
You can feel awful even if you've done all the right things to respond to it. Some folks are just deeply hurt and some know what else to do but to dump it into the next person they find that gives them an excuse to. Those people also deserve compassion and care, but their opinions aren't necessarily well-founded and their evaluation of you isn't trustworthy and fair.
That’s so hard. I have had a group turn on me before too. Maybe hearing a similar experience can help you feel less alone.
My memory is atrocious, and I’m low vision (didn’t know it at the time, I wore glasses but thought everyone saw like me, long story) As an intern (second year placement in person, first placement was also all group therapy, in person) in group therapy, I continually mixed up 3-4 clients’ names. The 3-4 of them were black. I got everyone else’s names right but theirs after 2-3 weeks.
One day they decided to give me hell about it and they and several others in the group started calling me racist and all sorts of things. I felt genuinely awful going in every session not remembering or being able to identify who is who. It was so embarrassing and so when they called me out, it hit hard. I wanted to cry so badly. Most of them walked out of the room and the few that were left and I briefly discussed it.
The next session, a few of them apologized because the director called them out. I apologized to them and said I would try harder to get names straight. We talked about the intensity of reactions and how we could have talked through it more calmly. It ended up being g used for therapeutic purpose.
Groups are hard. Extremely hard. Harder than most people realise.
What happened is not your fault though. What to do after this is a matter for supervision, though. I'd personally be very direct in bringing the incident up at the next session to make a very clear interpretation regarding inverted agressor-victim dyads. It's a very good case for some emotional disclosure (how you ended up feeling devastated, as a starting point for a countertransferential interpretation).
But given your personal circumstances, you may not be up for this.
Whatever happens, rest assured this isn't on you, or a reflection on you as a therapist.
I make mistakes as a therapist, I imagin most of us do sometimes. I am sometimes too hard on myself when it happens but not for long. It’s just human to make mistakes sometimes. As for clients being unkind or making fun of things about me, that has happened too occasionally. If I were you about the lisp issue I would find a way to let them know that making fun of you is not okay and hurtful.
I’m so sorry to hear this. It was an honest mistake. This group sounds unhinged.
Were these teens?
I misgendered a client once, and it was a year after we had been working together. It just slipped. Even when writing notes I would be extra careful not to say the wrong pronoun every time. The hard part was that their chart had their dead name, and it was a very old fashioned feminine name, and so it was constantly having to correct myself when I saw that name. When it happened, I caught it right away and apologized profusely. They knew me well by then, so they just said, "That's okay," and we moved on. I'm so sorry this was not your same experience. You shouldn't have been put in that leadership role right after getting back. What I've found is that many group practices and CMH agencies say they care about the Therapist's well being, but there is a caveat. We care about your well being, just as long as you produce income and don't cause us to lose income. It's never genuine. Don't let this be something that impacts how you feel about yourself. You were set up to fail.