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Monthly Archives: July 2008

XXXholic Kei – Bento Massacre

Kei literally means sequel, as in “the thing which happens after”. Too bad Clamp failed to acknowledge this little fact. Instead they churn out shovelware revolving about the one thing the prequel already bugged us about: Watanuki’s skill of making bento* and buying sake, XXXholic style.

So what has actually changed? Well for one: Watanuki is a complaining bitch. The astute reader, who has seen the prequel, will now say: “So nothing much, eh?” And I would reply: Yep, that’s the whole problem. It’s the same boring shit we’ve seen a thousand times before: Domeki eats Watanukis bento*, bento*-maker gets mad, Himawari appears and Watanuki is ignored in favor of Domeki, the loner throws a fit, yadda yadda yadda, put in a ghost at the end and you’ve got a new episode of XXXholic Kei.

I would have thought that, after 10 episodes or so of Watanuki bitching about Domeki eating his bento* or about his mistress wanting more sake and/or more bento*/dinner/breakfast/brunch/snack/appetizer/sake/bento*, either Watanuki or his friends would finally come to their senses, and do something different for a change, alas, it was not to be. Perhaps all the sake and bentos* in the studio have made the writers themselves lazy. Like a fat whale in a wheelchair they laboriously try to make up for bad writing by splashing around wildly, putting an action sequence here and there, but ultimately fail to excite the masses with anything except drenched clothes. I hope the American audience sues….

I’m not some perfectionist who expects a deep plot or lots of character development, but something, anything substantial. Make Watanuki bitch just a little less, and I will be happy. I’m sure some will point out, that this sort of “humor” is the charm of the series. I would reply, no it’s not, it’s torture, and even though this is not illegal in the USA, it still doesn’t make it right. This staple has so many other great qualities, it doesn’t need to rely on this trite, overdone and boring “slapstick” bullshit.

Now that I think about it: I really hope Domeki gets diabetes from eating Watanuki’s bentos*, and Yuko permanent brain damage from her alcohol excesses. I would be laughing my ass off. At least then there would exist a slight resemblance of an original story. Oh, and let Himawari be hit by a truck. No happy endings here, kids, just valuable life lessons.

Bento*.

In all fairness, the series gets slightly better at the end, but the train-wreck that comes before and the lacklustre final episode, in which almost all characters of this series get together to have a big fanservice orgy (sadly this time with pants and furries), seal the deal. Not having read the original manga I can only speculate, but I would say Clamp simply ran out of material to work with, “what little there was in the first place”, a cruel cynic might add.

I did have the strength to sit through to the end, and even though I’ve been incessantly bitching for the last couple of paragraphs, I was still entertained when a sparkle of story shone through the bento*-making, sake-drinking garbage-dump. I just wish I would have gotten more of the glitter. But as it stands, the bento* of fried eggs, weird sushi, and other food I have neither seen before nor can pronounce, makes me only half full. Lets hope for a better third season.

*If you found the use of “bento”* (or sake for that matter) in this post irritating, then don’t watch XXXholic Kei, or you will be driven insane. One has to give credit to the original author though, at least this time it’s a guy forcing his bento*-making skills onto others. Better? No, even more annoying, if that’s even possible. But the lack of panties in this case make it bearable. Barely.

Ways to piss paying consumers off

When I was a kid I was an avid PC-Gamer. I got my first computer in 92, me being about 6 years old. Over the years i played great classics like Commander Keen, Monkey island, Betrayal at Krondor, Quest for Glory, Duke Nukem, Robot, and so on. The first experience with copy protection at that time was probably in “The Settlers”. You needed to put in a list of symbols at the start of the game, and if you got it wrong the game simply quit. Other means of copy protection were typing in certain words in certain parts of the game-manual, answering questions whose answers you needed to extract from an extra sheet or the manual again. All fine and dandy. As time moved on, games required you to put in the original CD, which I always found a huge hassle, needed you to put in codes, needed you to register at some on-line service. I still don’t have any problem with that, after all, I understand the developers need to obtain lots of money to buy whores and expensive wines. I have slight problems with this on-line verification aspect (because it renders the product useless should the service be canceled, and limited activation tries are a big no-no), but I can manage. What really pisses me off is, when hackers and other freeloaders are actually getting a BETTER deal than an honest customer, going into a store and actually PAYING MONEY for their games. What am I talking about you say? Well read on:

I went into town today and bought some games and hardware. One of these games was Colin Mcrae Rally 2005, for about 10$ from the rummage bin. So of course I went home and installed the game. But to my amazement the game needed to install “Copy Protection Drivers”, namely Starforce. If you don’t know what this means, just google Starforce. Like any sane customer I felt raped and violated, why oh why I asked myself, must a developer force me to install Starforce drivers TO PROTECT A 10$ GAME FROM 2005 I OBTAINED FROM THE RUMMAGE BIN? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? You might say I’m being overly melodramatic, after all they are just kernel drivers being able to wreck all sorts of havoc in my finely tuned system, right? Wrong, there’s a reason I mentioned these old copy protection methods, none of them were system intrusive. They didn’t force me to install any kernel drivers of questionable origin (except maybe DirectX, a graphics library worth trusting), which are capable of compromising my entire system. This is my computer, this is my platform I play your shitty game on! My platform, my rules, bitches! And the funny thing is, it just protects games being burnt to CD/DVD. Who the hell gets their illegal games from discs these days? There’s something called the “Internet” you dipshits! And the hacked versions of this game have this copy protection removed, which means that people who don’t spend money on product are actually better off. What kind of a logic is that? It’s no wonder the industry is complaining about bad sales of “top games” on the PC, if the customer has to put up with this shit. Yes, I’m sure all these hackers are the cause of your dwindling sales morons, how about giving people incentive to actually buy your games by providing a trustworthy copy void of viruses and other malware aka Starforce?

But the biggest complaint is still coming: I downloaded the Death Track Demo a while ago, and guess what? It had Starforce copy protection. WHAT THE HELL? Are you telling me I just wasted 2GB of bandwidth downloading a shitty demo needing me to install copy protection drivers? I looked around and it seems the demo needs copy protection to prevent hackers from reverse engineering the demo, and thus also cracking the “real” game. Anyone with a little bit of knowledge in this area knows: This is a steaming pile of shit, aka lies. They just want people to “accept” these drivers, because they are everywhere and you can’t get around them. But you can get around them, by playing hacked games, or in my case, by not playing them at all. Indeed, this copy protection is really worth its money.

Ichigo Mashimaro – Fanservice at its worst

There are bad anime series which simply won’t die. Some might call them pop-culture phenomenons, some might say they changed the industry, I say they are so incredibly boring and uninspiring, that they simply appeal to the braindead 90% of the world population, which find anime like this “soothing”. To those people it doesn’t really matter if it’s an anime or not, a long 6 hour special about a chick wanting to marry some bloke, but is hindered by society and/or “hilarious” accidents, would lead to the same result: Them passing another day in their boring and pointless lives.

One of these anime series is Ichigo Mashimaro, loosely translated as “Strawberry Marshmellow”; Every member of the anime-elite will at this point either say I’m talking about old news, or ask themselves, if it’s another one of these loli-fanservice anime springing up left and right in Japan at the moment (or have been always), and they would be right in both cases.

There exists one distinct word for this anime: Boring. I thought this series would soon be long forgotten, wandering around in the wastelands of anime history with fellow yawners such as Hidamari Sketch, but my optimism was sadly unfounded.

Most anime series with bad storylines make up the missing intellectual stimulation with action-scenes and randomly blowing things up once in a while. And even though I find this lame and uninspiring, it’s still better than the snore-fest Ichigo Mashimaro churns out each episode. Not are there no things exploding, but the animation is also on the edge of abysmal: Most scenes are simply made up of very few static images, characters looking around, contemplating about something which is neither mentioned nor is relevant, then one of the characters saying something cute, and that’s it. Then the next scene spews the exact same diarrhea.

Another way to make a good anime is to use the humor route and critically comment on society, or simply life in general, but while there is some of this in the beginning of the show, after 2 episodes the creators seem to have run out of ideas and return to the old and tested fanservice routines.

Every time there is a good idea present (or a bad one, it doesn’t matter), it is stretched out beyond belief. The characters keep on talking about the same trivial refuse over and over again, then some more static images pop up. Sometimes the characters even use their hands or walk a little bit, as to remind the audience that they are actually watching an animation, and not reading a manga.

And lets not forget the loli fanservice. How far can implied sexual innuendo, between a high school girl and a young loli, carry a show? The fans of this anime were taken all the way it seems, and I really don’t see why. The whole loli-fanservice thematic is used throughout almost every piece of Japanese animation, why should there be a need to dedicate an entire show to a concept, which has been already done for ages?

Most fans will argue about how the series is supposed to provoke sympathy for the characters. I would reply: Indeed, they are nice, but nice guys finish last, and nice girls are bad in bed. Oh, and boring too. One probably includes the other anyway.

Rehash of Evangelion

I watched the first episode of the new “Rebuild of Evangelion” anime, titled “Evangelion 1.0, You are not alone”. Why is it called 1.0 and not 1.1 or 1.5? Because it is the same as the original. Yes dear reader, you have read correctly: There is nothing new to be seen here. It is the same storyline, and by same I mean: It is the same with lots of omissions, important scenes having been completely deleted. This wouldn’t be a problem if those gaps were filled with new content, new ways to interpret the story, new hints and clues leading to the meaning of this piece, but no: This rehash is not a new interpretation like most people claim, but the same thing we’ve seen before. Yes, it does have better animation. Yes, the action is pulse pounding and well done. But story-wise nothing justifies re-watching.

Another problem is the aforementioned action. Indeed, the visuals and fight choreography are pleasing, yet the story seriously lacks in comparison with the original. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t even like the original, but one thing it did exceed at was building tension, displaying a facade of cruel life, only to have this facade violently ripped off by oncoming onslaught. In this rebuild there is no time for exposition, there is no time to calm down and organize ones thoughts, everything is action packed from start to finish with only few times to stride away form the dazzling visuals. And the short intermissions simply don’t make any sense if you haven’t seen the original, the character development falls brutally short, and new viewers will wonder, what exactly the motivation of the participants are, or more likely complain about the characters being mere caricatures.

Some might argue, that the original is already so good, it needs no new interpretation. But if that is the case, why just not watch the original? And the updates to the graphics simply don’t cut it alone, if you desire a bit more than fighting. You want some action or just liked the original because of its explosions? Then I full heartily recommend this episode to you. If you enjoyed the original story however, I urge you to stay away. And if you didn’t like the story because of Shinji whining all the time…., well he is still whining, just not as much, but now there is no more story remaining either. A fair tradeoff critics might exclaim, and I am not sure how I feel about this either.

So what NGE 1.0 really amounts to is a visually updated Neon Genesis Evangelion 1-6, cramped into movie length. Not more, not less.

But I am aware that this might all be intentional, since the ending does diverge from the original, and maybe the numbering to 2.0 of the next episode signifies the changes which are need to really justify a rebuild. But only time will tell, and right now it doesn’t look good. Still, I enjoyed the action. Probably what the anime, including the original, was about in the first place.

God Bless America!

That pastor isn’t as profane as George, really, honest!

Negima!?

The title says it all, the name of this anime is its own program. I liked the first series (Magical Teacher Negima!) to an extent – I’ve always had a weird relationship to harem anime, as in I think they are overdone and overstretched, but give me two or three females pandering to my desires, and I’ll be all over it. Of course Ken Akamatsu, the master of all things harem, does a great job of creating interesting girls and a serviceable plot once again. I say serviceable, because the setting really isn’t that important, this anime is really about cute characters, fanservice, and comedy. You might say I have depicted these things are negative before, but no, I only take offense when an anime tries to cover up poor jokes and sappy melodrama. But this is neither the case in Magical Teacher Negima, nor in “Negima!?”, and that’s admirable, right?

“Negima!?” starts with a blast; It’s funny, witty, and very different from the previous series. The anime has darker tone overall, focusing more on fighting and an actual story, but it still doesn’t take itself too seriously and mocks itself quite often, which I always find refreshing.

But at the finish-line the anime drifts more and more away from satire towards fighting some big unexplainable evil, again probably because the creators thought they needed to present some sort of justification, besides the obvious one of young men wanting to sneak a peek of fictional 2D girls. It’s really sad, since this anime had a lot going for it. I suggest getting the first 10 episodes, having a blast, and waiting for the new OVAs to come out.

I know I’m pretty late on this one, but the English-speaking scene kind of missed out on this great anime, instead going on and bawwing about a badly made visual novel adaptation, featuring the same boring stock characters we’ve seen for years. The library girl kinda reminds me of Nodoka though….

Hmmm…….

I beg you, no more amnesia!

People often say there are more bad trends than there are people in the world, and looking at fiction in particular, I couldn’t agree more. I had the dubious honor of watching Saint October a while back, and knew halfway through the first episode, that this was another one of these series lots of people are going to baww about, for no good reason except the three females looking cute and playing the “I’m so innocent -teeheehee” routine. Well, the same can be said for Britney, and look where she is now. Don’t worry though, the fans will take care of this even faster than Britney accepting to strip for some boring rock-magazine.

But before I completely drift off track, there are three really shitty trends which catapult this series out of orbit into the sun:

1) Don’t use amnesia for a plot device. Amnesia is the worst invention right after “honor”-revenge. It has to stop now. Amnesia plots always follow the same predictable storyline: Kid is warped into a world without memory, found, lives a normal life with some foster family, yadda yadda yadda, then some bad guys come pillaging and plundering, a lightning bolt or similar flash strikes the kid and he gets superpowers, the kid yells “Kamehameha”, which then leads to the bad guys looking stupid and flying into the sky, just like Team Rocket in every known episode of Pokemon.  Then the kid sits next to the dying village leader and gets the quest to go rescue some princess and/or defeat an evil warlord/dragon/drug dealer.

Just stop. Seriously.

2) No unexplainable superpowers. Already addressed in 1, but I still feel the need to point it out again. If you must use superpowers, make them a believable part of the world, not just reserved for one or two special characters. And holy hell, stop using white orbs shot out of the caster’s palms. The only exception to this rule is tentacles, and only in very special kinds of anime.

3) NO AMNESIA. Did I already mention I really despise amnesia plotlines?

Minami-ke Okawari – Simply horrible

There are some anime out there, which are simply amazing by their own right: Minami-ke is one of these special flares, lighting my cold dead heart on fire, and making me feel young again with my twenty odd years. Granted, the start of the first series was a bit slow, some might go so far as to say boring, but after a short while the pace gets immensely faster, culminating in an epic ending consisting of equating pasta with bad melodrama concerning an expensive, badly designed boat (and of course lesbian antics, and lesbians rule, right?).

Seeing how the team of Minami-Ke Okawari managed to turn Minami-ke into a story only 12 year old emos could enjoy, really pisses me off to no end. They have nothing new to show, except fanservice all across the board, bad fanservice too. Instead of making this an age 18 and up exclusive and jumping right to the pulse pounding action, noooo, they pinch out an anime for young boys trying to get off to a painting of the french revolution. Oh look! One of the Minami-ke sisters unwillingly exposed her body to a boy, *roaring laughter of the 12-year-olds*. The staff even used the bible black style – the whole time I was expecting tentacles sprouting from somewhere and the anime finally growing some balls, but alas I was rendered impotent by steam clouds and badly designed objects. No, just no, it didn’t work in Love Hina Again*, and it sure as hell isn’t going to work here.

And the staff knew about their lack early on, else they wouldn’t have felt the need of introducing some emo-kid-character all these kiddies can relate to, only for the purpose of justifying all the fan-service; They did this in Love Hina Again too, only that time it was a slut instead of a dork.

The people defending this poor excuse for an anime remind me of particular friends forcing me to watch crappy reality shows on MTV, on which badly dressed strangers find something objectionable in some or the other drawer, and then expect me to laugh, like there’s a state of the art “revelation” going on, and finally accusing me of having no humor, because of me not laughing at this boring, trite shit.

Yes, I know it was done by a different studio intended to be released right after the first season, but does that change anything? Not a goddamn thing as far as I can see.

*And guess where they go in the first episode: That’s right, to a hot spring. Is this supposed to be some cruel perverted inside joke or something?

Bad Anime Opening 101: Kurenai

A lot of people I really like have been claiming this show is the best ever, and yet I simply can’t go beyond the first episode. My body simply won’t take it, I still shiver thinking about the sheer boredom I endured watching the first episode some weeks ago.

So there is a girl and she’s real important, but she’s also sad and in danger one unexplained way or the other… then because of some weird circumstances the girl is taken away willingly by even stranger women, who walk around in the dark standing next to brightly lit bridges to avoid being seen, and the girl is finally handed to a student because the blond chick somehow trusts him even though he is a student and… Ugh.

The story is simply too ridiculous. And not in the good way either. Instead of using some sort of logical structure to get me involved in a believable world, the story drops the ball by making crazy jumps from one point to the other, and giving bad reasons for the characters doing what they do. It might make all sense at some future point, but why should anyone care? Especially the way the protagonist just leaves the little girl in his room, saying he’ll be back in 10 hours or something, what the hell is he thinking? It would make sense if he was in kindergarten, and can therefore not see the consequences coming, but he is like 16/17 years old! And after he has lost her, some weird Ninja employed by the blond chick appears, looking really cool and defiant just like a real operative, because operatives are all emotionless robots and therefore are not easily spotted. Give me a goddamn break. For me the whole story reeked of a bad setup to get the protagonist to live with the girl, so they could have humorous and/or other melodramatic (and unexplained) episodes together.

You might argue that the story gets better later on, but I simply don’t want to watch. It’s not like I can’t take some boring starter episodes, but the story just gave me the unwavering feeling, that this series is going to be another overly melodramatic bore.

Sorry Kurenai, no second try.

Bad Anime Endings 101

As every good comedian knows, one must “finish strong” to leave the best impression on the audience, even if the part before was at best mediocre. But what happens when you put on a great performance, dazzling the audience with wit and originality, but put a huge chunk of bad melodrama, about how you lost a dime needed to buy some plastic transformer and that’s the reason you didn’t get invited to the party of the fat kid next door and this somehow skewed your sexuality or something, at the end? Well, first you will be egged and whipped by your listeners, secondly you get endings like those of “Potemayo” and “Beating Angel Dokuro-Chan”.

I don’t know when studios started their abuse of forcing people to watch badly acted, trivial drivel at the end, but it has to stop.

Why do studios do this? Is it because the authors feel the need to somehow justify their comedy series, as if bad melodrama is somehow of a higher level? Why should it be? Good comedy is essential and great satire can form the human mind just as much as monologues about love, hate, the bigger jugs of the guy standing next to you, and so on and so forth. But instead of giving the people what they want, the authors insist on talking about trivial crap, put in orchestral music (because music with a lot of instruments automatically sounds better) and decide to have some sort of weird melodramatic circle-jerk. But most people watching comedy/satire series first of all don’t really care, and secondly, if they haven’t been just watching the show because of the pretty pictures, will see right through the bad efforts of tugging at their heartstrings.

Or is it because they feel they have to “wrap it up” somehow? I don’t know about you, but I prefer open ended scenarios generally more than these “Ok – We’re done now, go on, nothing more to see here, everyone is either dead or happily married”-endings. This wrapping-up reminds me of these “feel-good” movies, whose only objective is to make the viewers feel that they’ve successfully wasted 6 hours of their lives.

In any case, two great anime weren’t completely ruined, but definitely weren’t as orgasm-inducing as they could have been. And one thing is for sure: If I ever want to watch bad drama, I won’t watch anime, but tune in on a shopping channel to buy an axe to kill myself.

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