Kids these days aren’t going wild for spring break. They need MTV. | Opinion

Spring Break is upon us, if the long lines at Hobby Airport didn’t clue you in. Airlines expect 171 million passengers to take to the skies between March and April, up 4 percent from last year. Warm beaches, Gulf of America getaways, the whole nostalgic circus is supposedly roaring back.

But that robust economic forecast is being overshadowed by far worse news: The kids these days are too soft to party like we did.

As a battle-hardened elder millennial, much older, infinitely wiser, and still recovering from the psychological scars of actual Y2K anxiety, I'm here to tell you the real tragedy isn't the ticket prices or the TSA pat downs. It's that Gen Z has collectively decided Spring Break should be the equivalent of a wellness retreat. Studies regularly show that young Americans are drinking less and having fewer hook-ups. 

Now these sober-curious, boundary-setting, hydration obsessed zoomers are apparently flooding places like Galveston, Gulf Shores and South Padre Island with mocktails, noise-canceling headphones and zero plans to turn beaches into a big, decadent free-for-all. Where's the chaos? Where's the "I blacked out and woke up in county jail with sand in places sand doesn't belong" glow? Where's the Darwin Award nomination reel?

The girls — and guys — are failing to go wild.

Frankly, I'm embarrassed for them! But I’m also confused. When did kids stop fighting for their right to party?

Plenty of experts lay the blame on smartphones. Apparently scrolling has replaced sex, drugs and booze as the sinful behavior du jour.  

Others blame the lack of partying on drugs — and not the fun kind. Antidepressant use among youth grew by more than 70% from the late 1990s to the 2010s. That’s also a 70% increase in side effects that include reduced sex drive, and warning labels that tell users not to drink alcohol. So it makes sense that a Prozac nation would have little desire to learn how to do a keg stand.

But I think the blame lies somewhere else: The lack of good examples.

Gen Z doesn’t know what a fun party is supposed to look like.

Back when I was their age (and clearly superior in every reckless way), we had actual role models guiding us through the alcohol-fueled gladiator arena. We had Pauly Shore, the Weasel himself, screaming "Weeze the juice" on MTV Spring Break specials while shirtless dudes and almost naked babes formed human pyramids and someone inevitably got launched off a hotel balcony like a budget Evel Knievel. 

We had Jenny McCarthy, the ultimate hot mess queen of the era, strutting around in barely there bikinis, hosting segments with that megawatt grin, leading wet T-shirt contests for young women who no doubt would go on to become respectable members of society. 

A little known fact: McCarthy’s later reckless anti-vaccine positions were obviously just the long-term side effects of one too many Jell-O shots in the 90s. Apparently brain cells don’t bounce back from that kind of citrus vodka assault. 

Those were our guiding lights, walking, talking red flags who taught us that true spring break enlightenment came from frozen mojitos and quick-change swimsuit relay contests.

Yes, they may have been immature, reckless and sometimes straight-up stupid. But Pauly Shore, Jenny McCarthy and all the good people at MTV gave kids all across the country — if not the world — a vision for wild fun that anyone could take part in. They existed for our enjoyment. All you had to do was turn on the right channel. And once you were old enough, you could transform your local beach into your very own makeshift MTV spring break destination.

Sure, Galveston's chocolate-milk-colored-quicksand ate rental cars, and South Padre turned into a frat bro apocalypse, but that was just a small price we paid to the party gods. 

But now? These poor deprived youths are apparently choosing Kombucha, mindful beach walks and early bedtimes over anything Pauly or Jenny would have approved of. 

Maybe that’s because MTV VJs have been replaced by online influencers who either preach the gospel of self-improvement, engage in political pandering or try to funnel viewers to their OnlyFans page.

Everything is algorithmically perfected to maximize engagement. Nothing is fun. And mistakes live forever online.

So no wonder virginity rates are climbing, sexlessness has doubled for young men and Gen Zers only consume 4% of U.S. alcohol sales. If they're hitting spring break in record numbers, it’s probably to sip NA beer and avoid anything that might require making actual eye contact.

Count me out.

I'm devastated for them. How will they build character without at least one disorderly conduct souvenir? Without a harsh reminder that YOLO has footnotes?  Too much of this so-called record travel surge is just responsible adults cosplaying spring break, hydrated, insured and tragically uninjured.

So here's to you, Gen Z: Enjoy your mildly pleasant Gulf getaway with zero regrets and maximum melatonin. Book those flights, hit the beaches and keep prioritizing experiences that don’t end in viral embarrassment or a LifeFlight ride. Just know your much older, much wiser millennial elder is over here clutching my faded, sand-crusted JNCO jeans and puka shell necklace, whispering through my tears, "They'll never know the golden age when Pauly Shore and Jenny McCarthy were our North Stars, teaching us that the path to wisdom runs straight through bad decisions, worse hangovers, and questionable hook-ups in the Gulf of America ... which we used to call the Gulf of Mexico, if you can believe it." 

But I will admit, I do kind of like the new name. Maybe a little change isn’t so bad after all. 

Kenny Webster can be heard weekdays on KPRC 950 in Houston and dozens of other radio stations around the country. He’s also the executive producer of the Walton and Johnson radio network and a touring stand-up comedian.