/anthro/ - Anthropomorphic

It replaced fluff with "fluff" what the heck man...

>my nose broke the fall
Oy vey.
>The rest of the story is going to involve main guy going to the village which gets invaded by the Anthro army. He has to hide but is eventually caught by the Anthros and he joins their military after doing medical shit fur one of them and a few of the boys. What do yall think?
I always imagined in the post apocalypse it would be like pirates where they give ransoms to towns and only rape and pillage if they don’t pay.

Cool setting but I think that’s too heavy of an exposition dump, usually fur the very start of the hook you give an into to the current setting and you give bits and pieces of exposition later.

intro*

>>95888
Hmm, what should I go fur? This is my first attempt at writing anything, not really sure how to gracefully reveal lore and get the setting straight. And I'm going fur more of a societal collapse then an apocalypse. Like, there's only supposed to be one or two nukes per powerful country. Of course Africa wasn't Nuked but they still self imploded because they didn't have handlers anymore. The bombs where more of a decapitation strike and the because there where just so few people around anymore, they kinda just didn't have direction to go, leading to society just falling into small communities. (This will play into why the Anthros are able to so easily take over most population centers real easily.)

>>95885
It's a perfectly cromulent word.
>>95887
This.  People have complained befure, but I will keep saying it:  show, don't tell.  There have been the tiniest handful of authors like Olaf Stapledon who can make big infodumps work.  Part of the reason they work fur him is that he was writing fur interwar British sci-fi fans, who were willing to accept clunky infodumps fur the sake of Big Ideas and Sense of Wonder, and he was probably better at it, in the sense that his infodumps were less intrusive, than Jules Verne or H.G. Wells.  It also helped that his Big Ideas were very big indeed, even by the standards of Current Year.

I'm going to make the suggestion that I always make to people asking fur writing advice.  Use your favorite search engine to find the Turkey City Lexicon and read it.  It's a collection of notes and explanations of writerly jargon from ye olde late-20th-Century Turkey City Writers' Workshop meetings in Texas, in which established professionals in the skiffy writing biz coached aspirants and newcomers.  Some are put off by its sci-fi connotations, but it contains a great deal of good advice about writing genre fiction generally, all of which, at least in American authorial culture, stems from interwar pulp magazines and stories of two-fisted detectives fightan tha bad guys.  It has a great deal of advice, in particular, about the right and wrong ways to show the reader the world you've built without interrupting everything and making his eyes glaze over as you do it.

>>95884 (OP) 
I'd tend to agree with other anons that this is a bit heavy on the exposition but the setting is cool. This is the kind of infurmation you could drip feed readers throughout the entire first chapter as the main character treks to the city. The character seeing certain things like broken down cars or signs and each reminds him of something. Or even if he makes it to the city in the first chapter, overhearing locals talking about it enough to put the pieces together. A parent talking to their child, two people lamenting over the past at a bar, that sort of thing. 

Also personal preference but Yazoo seems a bit silly fur a city name given presumably the serious topic

>>95898
Keep in mind my option in this doesn’t hold any credibility. Your setting itself isn’t the problem it’s how you introduce it to the reader. You opened with a direct lore dump when I feel it could be established more indirectly. To put what I had in mind into an example:

>I trodded along the beaten asphalt along the outskirts of what was left of Indiana, following the derelict road signs back home, making sure to avoid getting tangled in the web of destroyed power lines that littered the roads. Feint shadows were cast over the scene from the greyed sky as wind chipped at the atomic soot left on the ground from 5 years past. 

I feel something like this allows the reader to infer what happened without directly telling them. Show don’t tell as r/starwars would say.

>>95903
I realized I used ‘along’ twice on the first sentence I’d switch one of them to ‘on’.

>>95901
>>95903

Thank you both fur the guidance, with the gist of "Show, don't tell" in mind, I'll go ahead and try to get chapter one done by end of day tomorrow. I should get off early from work if Uncle Sam doesn't bone me. I know where I want the story to go and the pacing, but I'm still just unsure of how to get that initial hook of attention. 

Also "Yazoo" is the name of an actual town. I was just too lazy to make another fake name fur the town that got lost contact with, and maybe throw in a little Easter egg fur those who actually looked up the names. I should probably change it though, you're right.

>>95910
Writings hard, but I can’t wait to see more of your writing. In my opinion Yazoo is fine, characters and their actions are allowed to be retarded, it would make sense in an anarchic world someone would name a city something weird.

Fine.
>>95901
>Turkey City Lexicon
Interesting. I imagine that writer's workshops aren't much of a thing anymore, or that they're just the blind leading the blind now.
>>95903
This is a far more generic way of establishing the stock premise than the OP introduction. Two packed sentences and all that was showdonttelled was that the world was nuked 5 years ago and that the protagonist is walking outside, great.

>>95987
You get the current location, the state of the local world, current time, and yes that there was a nuclear exchange. No need to be so negative.

>>95999
>>95987
>>95902

I rewrote a little bit. I liked the exposition at the beginning a bit too much to try and completely rewrite it, but I tried to tone down on how much is known and tried to keep it local to the country, instead of including world events. It's not all of chapter one, but there's only a few more scenes I want to go through befure concluding this chapter. I'm thinking next chapter should be setting up fur the raid and finishing off with the Big Bang fur the beginning of the raid. Anyways, here's the rewrite, opinions? 

Breach and Clear 

From the Library of Sandlewood, year 2020 

A memoir of the people of Sandlewood Village about the partial collapse of American society, as condensed by Dr. Fhars.

"A war older than anyone still living had ruined most of what the world once was. Unfurtunately, no one in the village knows what it originally began fur. We were all taught in our early schooling that it was simply a war of survival, and the history books we have found offer no unbiased explanation.

What is known is that the war ended in 2005, with a nuclear detonation occurring in Washington D.C. By that time, most of the population had already been drained. Every man, woman, and eventually child had been prepared to lay down their life fur their country. The detonation was the final nail in the coffin.

An engineer by the name of Henry R. Lemonson, who worked at a power plant in Illinois, told me: “Fuel stopped coming in soon after D.C. was blown. No work could be done. We stopped going. The rolling blackouts stopped — no one had power at that point. Without power, everyone did their own thing, fur better… or worse.”

His story is echoed across what was once the country. Fur ten years, the remnants of the population furmed factions in its carcass. Recently, however, in the past five years, we have made radio contact with several cities that have begun functioning once again.

A city called GateWater Passage, in what was once Mississippi, contacted us two years ago. Shortly after, communication ceased. One of the last transmissions contained a single word: “beasts.” We do not know what to make of it, but the town watches have since been properly armed.

The history of raider activity in the area h—"

A rock caught the lip of my boot and I went down hard, flat on my face. Furtunately, my nose broke the fall of the furty pounds of ruck on my back, so nothing in the pack was damaged. Unfurtunately, my nose refused to stop pouring blood, fur whatever reason.

“Fluff.”

The page I had been reading was now soaked in blood. The Doctor would scold me fur that one. The collar of my shirt was beginning to dampen too, starting to betray my appearance in favor of something closer to a murderer’s.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and swung my pack around fur the medkit — a relic from my furmative years in the military. A strip of gauze and a pressure clip later, and at least the bleeding had stopped. I wouldn’t have to use any more of my own supplies. The village was only a few miles out, and I could get proper treatment there.

I continued along the dilapidated old-world road. It had been destroyed long befure the collapse, from what I could remember. Small craters pockmarked the path but at least it wasn't furest. Eventually I reached the main gate of the village and saw the gate guard. 

"Evening there Mays, how was t-"

"..." 

"Who'd you fight?" 

I replied in a nasally tone. "The ground." 

"Well, did'ja win?" 

"Almost." 

"Ya know, Doc won't be happy with you." 

I handed over my ID. "Yeah, he'll like the good news though." 

The guard scanned the card and handed it back over. 

"Which is?" 

"I'll have to figure that one out. I'll see you around Joseph." 

"Stay safe and don't lose any more fights, man." 

I started down the road. This one was actually maintained and comfurtable to traverse. It was about another 10 minutes until I reached village proper and made my way toward the clinic where I'd be expected some time soon. I passed a bakery and took a peek over. The lights were on. Powered light. Open bakery. Bakery treats... 

I started towards the bakery. It was one of the few luxuries this village was able to spare. I entered and was struck with the scent of flour and baked bread. Usually I just get a loaf or two from here fur me and the Doctor, but today I'm thinking a sweet treat could maybe distract him enough from the ruined book and nose. Strolling to the cloudy glass case, I took a peek at my options. 

Sweet bread, sour dough bread, sweet and sour dough bread... maybe... here! a lemon pound cake. I ripped my eyes away and saw that a girl, not much younger than me, was standing behind the counter looking at me with a slight smile. 

"Mays! друг! What luck you have— Catching us just befure closure! Your face seems to be worse than befure. The doctor will not take kindly to that. 

"Natalya! Yes, so Iv heard-"

I thought fur a moment.

"Then befure?" 

She let out a hearty laugh and pointed a finger at me. 

"Slow on the uptake, you are." 

Her face fading to a simple grin, she pulled out the tray with the pound cake on it. 

"This is what you want I assume? You seemed to be imagining how it would taste 50 times over with just your eyes alone!" 

"It would of been 51 hadn't you interrupted me." 

She rolled her eyes and wrote up the transaction on a note. 

"Barter or cash today?" 

"I uhh, can pay half in cash. I got this antimicrobial poultice. Would that work." 

"Mmm... yes, it would." 

She bagged it up in paper and handed it over.

"Run along now, Котик!" 

I tried to hide my smile.

"Thanks Natalya, I'll get this to the doc." 





That once sentence where it goes 
>the lights where on. Powered lights. Open bakery. Bakery treats... 
I wanna do that more often when it comes to the combat scenes, more so going through the quick thoughts he has befure making an action, something like this as an example, 
>A single bullet slammed into the barrier I was taking cover behind, the shockwave left tremors throughout my body. 
>"COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS RAISED!" The voice demanded. 
>Who where they? 
>Run.
>What did they want? 
>Fear. Run. 
>What the hell am I supposed to do.
>Death. Run. Escape. Run. 
>I need to get out of here, I can't stay here, I can't even feel my legs, there's too much adrenalin
>Run. I don't want to die. Run. I don't want to die. 
>I stood up and sprinted as fast as possible to the clinic. The wall next to me got pelted, whatever they shot bounced back and hit me, though I barely felt it. 
>Run. Run. Run. Run. 


What do yall think of the idea? It seems a little repetitive but it's ment to garner a sense of anxiety, and I don't plan on doing it often at all.