Recently you might have heard talk about videos or photos being passed around the internet featuring Hunter Biden, the son of US Presidential candidate Joe Biden. These photos and videos show someone who is claimed to be Hunter Biden engaging in sexual activity. Due to the timing of these leaks, it's clear they were intended to damage the reputation of Hunter Biden and his father's campaign. Unfortunately, I haven't seen too many people call these leaks what they actually are: Revenge Porn. From FindLaw.com, a common definition of revenge porn is this:

Intentional distribution of non-consensual porn, or "revenge porn," is a type of online harassment that occurs when an ex-partner or even a hacker posts sexually explicit images of a person online without their permission.

But what exactly is revenge porn? Does it mean that someone wants revenge on another person and posts pornographic material containing them? Not quite. In fact, in many jurisdictions a perpetrator doesn't even need to be exacting revenge on anyone. The distributor of the material need only intend to distribute the sexually explicit video or photograph with the intent to annoy or harass the victim without their consent.

For revenge porn laws by state, please visit:

We need to treat these leaks like any other revenge porn leaks: Don't share them, don't look at them, don't sexualize them, and call people out who do these things. Hunter Biden did not consent to these images being shared online, and like all victims of revenge porn, we should note and respect his non-consent.

As you all know, transgender people have been under more scrutiny than ever before, with politicians spearheading against them in order to fire up their bases. Today, we've seen that new efforts from the US Department of Health and Human Services to establish a legal definition of sex could eradicate federal recognition for 1.4 million Americans whose legal sex currently does not match their assigned sex at birth. condemns this action in the strongest of terms and stands in solidarity with our transgender brothers, sisters and all those who lie betwixt. Remember that this is not just a question of manners or politeness, but can be life or death. Consider trans women sent to men's prisons for example.

We didn't set out to be a partisan political group when we started this subreddit. We don't care what you think the top marginal tax rate should be or how you feel about public ownership of utilities. However, we will not be silent when someone's personhood and entire identity is under attack. We hope that our American subscribers will also use this opportunity to speak up, make their voices heard, by protesting, by contacting their representatives and by going to the polls next month.

For full details, see the .

Because I don't want to be all doom and gloom. I also would like to bring some potential good news to your attention. On the other side of the Atlantic, in the UK, we have a chance to update the 2014 Gender Recognition Act. A public consultation is almost finished (if you want to have your say, fill out before noon on Monday UK time). While the 2014 act was groundbreaking in many ways, it also had many flaws, including:

• No recognition for non-binary people

• Requiring a diagnosis of gender dysphoria to legally change your gender

• Requiring you to live as your preferred gender for two years before transitioning

• Denying single-sex services to transwomen

• And bizarrely, including a spousal veto

Although we've almost missed the deadline for the public consultation, British redditors can still write to their MPs at any time for any reason. We should also keep a close eye on how this develops. For those wishing to get involved, I'll leave you all the Stonewall link here:

That's all for now. I hope you all had a nice weekend. Be good to each other and stay safe.

All he did was wear a dress, why are people so offended over a bit of fabric. Can't men have choices in what they wear. David Bowie did this in the 70s, and it's not a new thing. Being gay I get annoyed how whenever this topic comes up people go on about 'real men' going to war and use homophobia and sexism to shame men into acting as a stereotype. Does anyone feel the same way or do they feel there has been great progress for men?

There's a news story on about this 6 year-old boy who was disfigured by a dog to save his sister. A bittersweet story, because the injury is nasty but the attack could have ended much horribly. And with regards to the attack, the boy said that he was willing to die to save his sister - a heroic saying, but hardly clear whether a 6 year-old fully understands what he's saying.

What's bothering me is the comments on that story. Calling the boy a hero, and a "man". There's a highly upvoted post that literally says "that's not a boy, that's a man".

Isn't this reinforcing the idea that what it takes to be a man is to be ready to give your life to someone else? Am I wrong to think that there's something really wrong in seeing a "man" in a child, due to the fact that he was willing to give his life for his sister?

He's not a man. He's a kid. A little boy. His heroic behaviour doesn't change that. His would-be sacrifice does not "mature" him. He needs therapy and a return to normalcy, not a pat in the back and praise for thinking his life is expendable.

Just to be clear, my problem is not with the boy or what he did, but with how people seem to be reacting to it.

Edit: I'm realizing that "disturbed" is not the best word here, I probably should have said "perturbed".

My boyfriend's paternal uncle is very misogynist and old fashioned. He tries to berate my bf for not engaging in behaviours that fall into the realm of toxic masculinity. My boyfriend, being the strong and confident man that he is, either shuts him down or laughs his comments off.

The uncle doesn't like me one bit. I'm guessing it's because I have a career, I'm 5 years older than my bf and like him, I never take any bs from the uncle.

My boyfriend loves to cook. And when he's not travelling, he's the one who cooks for us. When the uncle got wind of this, he actually called my bfs dad and told him to "get his son away from that harriden" and that my boyfriend "needs to start acting like a man."

A few months ago, bf and I were visiting his parents and the extended family, including toxic uncle were also there. I had gone out to get some stuff from the market, when I had an idea. I sent my bf a text letting him know that I would be bringing him flowers. He replied with "got it. Say no more".

I later walked into the living room where everyone was sitting and loudly said to my bf, "look honey I got you pink roses. I know they're your favorite". My boyfriend stood up placed his hands over his face and said in a high pitched voice "I love them! Thank you!".

You should've seen the uncle's face. He looked as though everything inside him was rebooting and trying to make sense of what he saw. He angrily looked at my bfs dad and said something like "do you see what's going on here?". Boyfriend's dad couldn't reply as he was bursting into laughter. As was everyone else.

The uncle couldn't take it anymore. He just gave me a disgusted look and left the room. Since then my boyfriend's sister has affectionately labeled me the "flower troll".

Neither my boyfriend nor I like to buy flowers. We both think they're a waste of money. However, using them to troll his uncle was worth every penny.

Edit : To all those who are sending me hateful PMs (telling me I deserve a brutal death, that they're going to find me and rape me etc), just know that I truly pity your miserable existence. And yes, I have reported you. So have fun getting banned.

So here is the thing, this law is ambiguous and even what is considered 6 weeks isn’t exactly clear. There are no allowance for rape, molestation or if the pregnancy is medically dangerous. Not only that but the state has established a bounty system so if a woman gets an abortion she can be sued, face fines and jail time.

How does that affect all of you? Well the only way a woman gets pregnant is by having sex with a man, and if you and the woman don’t want a child, sorry about ya, you are both stuck. If a woman or girl in your family is raped, she is stuck having to carry her rapist’s fetus to term. Also if a woman in your family has a medical condition that will endanger her life if she carries a fetus to term, you may very well have to watch them die.

This is the reality of forced births.

If your condom breaks, if the birth control pill your partner is using is not 100% effective (they're not), if whatever method you're using doesn't work, guess you're going to be parents now. Hope you were prepared to bring a child into this world and raise it for the next ~20 years or so. Hope you can afford that.

If any of your relatives are women (that's a yes), one or two of them may be surprise and unwilling parents soon.

Not only that, but pregnancy is a huge investment of energy and physical resources from a mother (and from any person who is pregnant).

Many health conditions make pregnancy exceedingly dangerous, something you should only do after carefully planning when you are able to schedule your life and set your expectations entirely around a safe (as possible) pregnancy. Heck, even without any prior risk factors, being pregnant for months and giving birth are both major life changes and significantly dangerous. There are frequently long-term health consequences even from a "normal" pregnancy. People get seriously ill and sometimes die from the complications of pregnancy and childbirth.

So the health, safety and lives of our family members are at risk. Not to mention friends and coworkers, our networks are at serious risk.

And what of all the unwanted children? Does anyone seriously think that's not going to be a problem for the rest of us? Having to watch as kids get raised with the minimum of resources, by parents who didn't want them, or a surge of kids put up for adoption? All the parents whose lives became stressful and depressing and miserable, due to having to stop everything and raise an unwanted child? Does anyone think this is going to be a good thing for men to be exposed to? That it will make our lives better?

This is absolutely an issue for us. We can speak out and speak up. We do not have to accept this quietly. This is a men's issue, not just a "women's issue". This is a people issue.

P.S. Used to be everyone had some baseline access to abortion care in every state. You used to be able to do what is right for the two of you. Now some have to travel across multiple states, and rank-and-file police officers, pharmacists and doctors/nurses are sometimes asking questions to see if you might be traveling for an abortion. Legally or not, people are making it harder for you to access abortion care.

And those who are seeking this care in a state where it is illegal, doctors are having to wait until the patient is literally about to die, so they don't get sent to jail for skirting the "life of the mother" provision of the law. People are already getting gravely ill and dying because of this.

In many places, the GOP is moving to remove all exemptions, such as rape, incest, even the life of the mother, making abortion totally illegal in their states.

So no, this is not an abstract issue. This is not a future concern and we have time to fix it before it becomes an issue. This is happening now.

I just wanted to point this out. This. Is. A. Men's. Issue.

I'm not saying we should take any space away from women speaking in this area. We shouldn't, and we don't need to. We can and must take some space away from conservatives, especially the conservative politicians ramming these laws through, despite a majority across all sectors, demographics and partisan identities being for abortion being available in most or all circumstances. We need to be a bit louder than the conservatives.

I'll admit I'm probably not the best person to kick this off since I don't know what to say as an opener but after seeing reactions across Reddit I felt like I needed to see some from a more reasoned place.

For those of you who don't know, Pornhub recently was featured in an expose from I believe The New York Times detailing how they managed to find a not insignificant amount of child abuse on the site. Pornhub reacted to this by announcing that they would remove all unverified videos and require stringent ID verification for any uploader (although I'm not sure how this works with artist accounts, they seem to rely on a different form of verification as I've noticed at least some still up).

The reactions I've been mostly seeing on the Technology, News, and similar subreddits has mostly been extremely negative. Declaring it a dead site, saying they caved to bad press, saying that amateur content was purged and never coming back (which I thought was the weirdest complaint since most amateur stuff on there was self uploaded or pirated pay videos much like the professional content), and declaring at the same time that the regulation will do nothing anyway.

I find this to be a strange contrast to how people on Reddit talked about it before this happened, saying how they had a problem and needed to do something to fix it, and then they did, and seemingly everyone got mad that 80% of the content was purged despite the vast majority of it being illegally posted content in the first place.

I feel like this is a big step in the right direction, but the group consensus in the large subreddits seems to disagree.

Hey folks,

Reminder that useless anti-feminism is not permitted here. Because it’s useless. And actively harmful.

People’s dismissals of feminism are rooted in the dismissal of women and ideas brought to the table by women more broadly. Do not be a part of that problem. In that guy’s post about paternity leave, he threw an offhand strawman out against feminism without any explanation until after the fact.

Please remember that we are not a community that engages with feminism in a dismissive way. That should not have a place anywhere. If you’re going to level criticism, make it against real ideas and not on a conditioned fear of feminism the bogeyman.

If you let shit like that get a foothold, it’ll spread. We’re better than that.

Thanks.

I'm all for strong female characters, but I'm getting tired of seeing them portrayed as cold hearted, emotionally flawed messes. It's like essentially writers are just trying to make a strong female character by making a traditional masculine character and swapping the reproductive organs.

While I agree that it's important to show that women can be cold, flawed, violent. etc. it feels like it's becoming it's own trope at this point.

It's also frustrating because it perpetuates the idea that "strong" characteristics are things like stunted emotions, anger issues, and violence.

Hello everyone, I don't bring good news. For those of you who don't know, I was sexually assaulted on campus by a female student and the university has stopped at nothing to protect my attacker. If that wasn't worth emphasizing before, it is now. Even though I filed a Title IX against my attacker first, the university held a Title IX hearing where I was the defendant, and in no uncertain terms one of the charges was that I was sexually harassing my attacker by accusing her of sexual assault and filing against her.

I do not mean that this was the implicit charge, I mean that this was actually one of the specific charges. I was found guilty, and I have now been expelled from a school that I had already medically withdrew from due to the continued harassment I faced for coming out as a male victim.

At the hearing, I handily proved that my attacker was lying, that the relationship occurred (one of the other charges was that it was sexual harassment that I claimed we had a sexual relationship), and even that the sexual assault occurred. I was not allowed to submit evidence traditionally, I had to do that in a response letter in which I wrote an 86 page breakdown of the situation with included inline evidence that I citing at the hearing. The opposition had a 60+ page report that had very little factual data and her and her witnesses provided no citations for any of their claims. I was not actually notified about the filing until three years after it was made, had to prove that it was made 3 days after I filed against my attacker and other harassers, I was never interviewed, and the decision to pursue the filing into a hearing was made less than 24 hours after I appeared on the news discussing issues with the university.

They rendered the verdict in under 12 hours, in which weeks are usually used to deliberate. After posting about it on Facebook I have faced a torrent of victim blaming from the camp of my harassers, and frankly I'm at the end of my rope.

My future is gone, my identity has been destroyed, my body has been violated, and my voice was ignored. I do not feel like a person anymore.

Edit: I'm going to post this on a few other subreddits who have given me support, some of which this community doesn't agree with and full disclosure I don't ether. I feel that my views align more closely with this sub in many ways, but I have a deep frustration with how divided we are on issues that should unite us in our common humanity. All I wanted was to be heard and be given my life back, and instead it has largely been taken away from me for speaking out about my treatment and what has happened to me.

CW SEXUAL ASSAULT

"It seems #MeToo quite possibly could be lacking in inclusivity," he said on social media. "radio silence" from the fashion and film industries in response to the allegations, which affected people who were "male, queer and trans".

He's right. This needs to be talked about. Let's start with the fact that the majority of these men start their careers in modeling extremely young.

They have very little reference for an acceptable employee-boss dynamic. They're flown out to foreign countries, alone, and essentially at the hands of their employer. SO MANY of these male models are sexually coerced into being raped without a fight at the threat of being black listed. It's not just Alexander Wang. It's the whole fucking industry. But we need to start somewhere.

Many other people have accused Alexander Wang of sexual assault including a trans woman. 11 victims have had the courage to speak up and press charges. We need to back them. We need to support male victims. We need this publicly viral.

This is some Bill Cosby shit. Hopefully we get a conviction this time around.

Here's a supplementary video VICE just released that I think will be helpful in giving you an idea of how the modeling industry works to abuse young men.

I've seen a large number of "" and I'm just like why? Why does this body-shaming nonsense have to be pulled into this?

I find it especially confusing because I keep seeing people say penis size doesn't matter, but yet having a small one is negative?

I'm just baffled male body shaming is so excepted in society that these types of signs are made and shared online with no one batting an eye.

Context

I'm a cis/het black man living in NY and I know that there are bigger fish to fry. I had a similar problem with the whole big dick energy when that became a thing. As someone who struggles with body positivity seeing shit like this just confirms the idea that men should strive for the male ideal body shown throughout media. It's getting hard to trust shows of male body positivity as it's starting to feel preformative. Like it's nice when I see it, but you know you'd be better off going with the media's ideal male body.

TBH I could keep going about my feelings on this, but I feel like that should be a different post.

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As-salamu alaykum

keep fighting the good fight

Just for a fun exploration as well as to create a safe space for acceptance, I would like to enumerate all of the trivial and absurd things people have said men cannot do because it wasn't "manly" or "masculine" in an attempt to expose and reverse the damaging statements. Let's free ourselves of this

Share any you have experienced and I will add it to the list below! As people have repeated answers, I've put the tally of the total responses.

1. Crying x9

2. Fruity alcoholic drinks x8 (esp in martini cocktail glass)

3. Not liking sports x6

4. Wearing nail polish x5

5. Being vegetarian/vegan x6

6. Sitting down to pee x5

7. Sitting with your legs crossed x5

8. liking cats X5

9. Being a feminist x4

10. Cooking x 4

11. Having long hair X5

12. Washing your hands after you pee x3

13. Having plants x3

14. Drinking alcohol other than beer x3 -ironically beer was invented and sold by women first

15. Expressing your emotions x3

16. using lotion x3

17. Liking wine x3

18. Not liking alcohol(being sober) x3

19. Wanting a relationship x4

20. Dancing x2

21. Having epilepsy x2

22. Baking x3

23. Being bisexual x3

24. Enjoying cartoons with female characters X2

25. Doing cardio x2

26. Liking flowers x2

27. Wearing pink x2

28. Fancy chocolate x2

29. Not being excited about hunting/fishing x2

30. Calling out other men when they catcall women x2

31. Not wanting to participate in violence x2

32. Liking board games x2

33. Listening to pop music x2

34. Being indecisive x2

35. Not being competitive x2

36. Being a passenger in a car with SO x2

37. Skincare/haircare x2

38. Doing theatre or acting in general x2

39. liking romance novels/movies/anime x2

40. hugging male friends x2

41. not wanting sex all the time x3

42. being autistic x2

43. Being close friends with women x4

44. Wearing floral prints x2

45. Having a female role modelx2

46. Wearing colors that are not blue, grey or black, Pastel colours

47. Wearing jewelry

48. Wearing makeup

49. Wearing heels

50. Wearing certain types of fabric

51. Holding your children's hands

52. Skipping

53. Smiling at people

54. Drinking Frappucinos at Starbucks

55. Eating a salad

56. Having accessories in colors other than blue, grey or black

57. Enjoying cudling

58. Doing nice things for people you love

59. Cuddling children

60. Calling things cute

61. Being referred to as pretty or cute

62. Being flexible

63. Singing

64. Poetry

65. Painting

66. Being excited about things

67. Talking a lot

68. Interior decorating

69. Having close male friends

70. Reading books with female characters

71. Liking romance

72. Knitting/Crocheting

73. Gardening

74. Liking butterflies

75. Not working myself to death

76. Being emotionally supportive of friends and loved ones

77. Telling non-sexual non-partners (especially male) that I love them

78. Having nostalgic childhood toys like stuffed toys on display

79. Caring about social justice

80. Bulky sweaters

81. Decorating your house

82. Indoor voice

83. Being afraid

84. Cleaning

85. Knowing how to treat stains

86. Neat handwriting

87. Chewing on things

88. Caring about social justice

89. Wearing fitted clothing.

90. Not reacting when someone insults you.

91. Trying to understand someone else's point of view when they wrong you.

92. Rejecting the fact that I am feminine just because I'm a heterosexual man

93. Being sick

94. Expressing discomfort

95. Liking drama

96. Reading Shojo manga

97. Not being excited about cars

98. Not being excited about guns

99. Not being comfortable getting naked around other men

100. Liking sunsets

101. Photography

102. Crop tops

103. Skirts

104. putting relationships/mental health/family above career or profession.

105. Defending women, or even just not participating in, from sexist nonsense like catcalls or disgusting "locker room talk"

106. Certain beverages or food items also are stupidly "not manly" usually tend to be things that are sweet, as though men can't have a sweet tooth from time to time.

107. Being vegetarian/just not eating meat all the time

108. Not working out every day

109. Playing sports other than physical contact ones

110. Letting a s/o make most of the decisions in a relationship

111. Not having facial hair

112. Not having body hair in general

113. Not wanting to drink underage

114. Shopping eco-friendly

115. Having a clean apartment

116. Using hand gestures

117. “Letting” women pay on dates

118. Using hair conditioner

119. Manicures

120. Pedicures

121. Brushing long hair

122. Sewing

123. Making/giving cute gifts to people you care about

124. Liking Miniature painting

125. Liking Wargaming

126. wearing pearls

127. according to my father-in-law, calling something “an outfit.”

128. Being quiet or just calm

129. Taking care of your appearance or what you eat

130. Stopping drinking alcohol before being completely drunk (was also told eating something before going for drinks was not manly)

131. Caring about the environment

132. Drinking herbal tea

133. Asking for help

134. seeing a psychologist

135. Liking your hair being played with

136. Enjoying gentle physical touch

137. Moaning during sex

138. Enjoying someone kissing your body

139. Being nice to people in the service industry

140. Having sexual relations with other men

141. Complementing women in a way that’s is not sexual such as on their style/shoes/nails etc

142. Using an umbrella

143. Majoring/working in the arts, social science, or humanities

144. Painting walls colors that are not blue, black, gray, or neutrals

145. Volleyball

146. Piercings

147. caring about storylines more than action

148. not liking sports for the purposes of competition

149. Treating women with respect

150. Using hair dye/neon hair dye

151. Driving a convertible

152. being overtly interested in style and fashion.

153. wearing earrings

154. wearing skinny jeans

155. liking cute fluffy animals

156. having stuffed animals

157. collecting toys

158. sometimes liking metal music

159. being depressed

160. having piercings

161. having problems

162. never having dated, had sex, been married, or been in a relationship

163. having sexual issues

164. being submissive in any way

165. Having a female boss or supervisor

166. Listening to women

167. Not liking bacon

168. Eating sausage

169. Doing cardio

170. playing basketball

171. using chapstick

172. driving a small car

173. drinking smoothies

174. Changing diapers

175. Washing baby

176. Doing laundry

177. Cooking for a baby

178. Wearing a baby

179. Pushing a pram

180. Voluntarily taking your baby for a walk because YOU want to spend quality time

181. Being a good dad in general

182. Not wanting to be naked in front of other men

183. Liking privacy when you pee

184. Being dainty

185. Pooping in a public restroom

186. Helping my mother by bringing a particularly heavy serving dish in the dining room

187. Not helping for outdoor tasks because of a fractured vertebra

188. Suggesting to share outdoor tasks with my sisters (we already share indoor tasks with them)

189. Not liking getting my ass groped

190. Drinking Sangria

191. coughing when you smoke

192. Reading books with female main characters

193. Writing a college literature paper with a feminist analysis of a children's book

194. Listening to soft classical music

195. Liking poodles over most other dog breeds

196. Being madly in love with someone

197. Going to the doctor

198. Wearing loafers

199. Not liking beer or most brown liquors (whiskey, bourbon, etc.)

200. Crossing your legs at the knee/thigh

201. Wearing briefs/boxer briefs (as opposed to boxers)

202. Any and all skin care or self-care in general

203. Wearing shorts above the knee

204. Being a good SO/partner in general (more specifically in hetero relationships)

205. Being born in the spring or summer

206. Wanting to watch romantic comedies or the "chick flick"

207. Saying no to a woman's advances

208. Thinking that female comedians are funny

209. Doing the dishes

210. Vacuuming

211. Never having been in a physical fight in my adult life

212. presenting your nails with hand extended

213. Being disabled

214. Not liking spicy food

215. Hanging out with girls

216. Having girls as friends or best friends

217. Enjoying small talk

218. Laughing

219. Being modest

220. Being uncomfortable with your body (especially showing it)

221. Not liking physical contact with other men / rough contact

222. Falling asleep around other people

223. Being silly/playful

224. Being sexually submissive

225. Being vocal during sex

226. drinking from a straw

227. Doing squats

228. Liking musicals

229. Using a popsocket on your phone

230. Having my drawstrings hang outside of my pants

231. referring to your chest as "boobs.

232. Having a cute small feminine looking dog

233. Talking about real feelings and depression with friends

234. Skincare beyond simply washing your face (moisturizer, cover-up, etc)

235. mending clothes/replacing buttons

236. not being in the mood for sex

237. shaving/waxing body hair like legs/armpits

238. Liking My Little Pony

239. meditation

240. using bodycare was that isn't in the men's section

241. not being religious

242. enjoying pieces of work by women

243. jazz

244. unisex shirts

245. Using an (artistic) picture of a woman as my profile pic on social media.

246. Playing as a woman whenever I have the option in a videogame.

247. My lips naturally being of a bright red color.

248. Liking men

249. Playing certain wind instruments, especially the flute and piccolo

250. Tying your shirt around your waist - (this was in fashion around when I was in 7th grade, but by 8th grade, the "guys" had started making fun of kids who still did it)

251. Being anything other than heterosexual

252. Carrying a handbag or fanny pack

253. Wearing underwear outside the "norm" (boxers, boxer-briefs, briefs, jockey shorts)

254. Following safety rules in general (safety glasses, ear protection, wearing seatbelt, asking for help when lifting something heavy, wearing a helmet or protective clothing on a motorcycle, driving the speed limit, etc).

255. Getting first aid/medical treatment

256. wearing a scarf

257. enjoying anal stimulation

258. shaving your armpits

259. not liking war themed movies / not liking violent video games

260. playing with dolls

261. vacuuming

262. taking care of your kid, especially for banal things like changing a diaper, taking them to an appointment or to the park to play

263. watching what you eat

264. not knowing how to drive stick

265. Laughing at women's jokes

266. Acting

267. Going to college

268. Majoring in a social science

269. being "willing" to date trans women

270. Sleeping with a blanket

271. Getting food poisoning

272. Getting a cast put on my broken wrist

273. Not using chewing tobacco

274. Driving a car (instead of a pick-up truck)

275. Driving a van (instead of a pick-up truck)

276. Driving a small pick-up truck

277. Supporting and agreeing with the general claims and causes of feminism.

278. Not being interested in joining the military or the police.

279. Having a high-pitched voice.

280. Practicing ballet dancing.

281. Not knowing how to drive/not being a very skillful driver.

282. Going to therapy

283. Scented candles

284. eating vegetables

285. watching Queer Eye

286. liking female artists,

287. watching cartoons

288. caring about how my hair looks.

289. having dinner with another man at a restaurant

290. Not being attracted to someone conventionally attractive

291. Smoking weed

292. Cat-walking!

293. social anxiety (timidness)

294. bad posture

295. singing in falsetto

296. when the bills are under your wife’s name

297. Having a vasectomy

298. Doing gymnastics

299. wearing rainboots

300. listening to music made by women

301. reading books written by women ()

302. having a small dog

303. being liberal/leftist

304. disliking porn

305. calling out misogyny

306. calling out racism

307. using they/them pronouns correctly

308. knowing your own pronouns

309. knowing female anatomy

310. not making your wife take your surname

311. I once saw a guy tell his girlfriend he doesn't do "that gay kissing shit"

312. Wearing a headband to keep my hair out of my face

313. Having a lunch box that was purple

314. Telling another guy his haircut looks good

315. Watching TV at night instead of fixing things in my garage (even though I don't have a garage 🤷)

316. Enjoying superhero movies

317. Having my septum pierced

318. Enjoying floral scents

319. having a speech impediment

320. Being sweet and considerate toward others.

321. Not being comfortable undressing at the gym.

322. Despising catcalling.

323. ordering a chai latte.

324. Tying your shoelaces

325. Rowing a boat

326. Watching Ru Pauls Drag race.

327. Singing and loving Highschool Musical!

328. stating that another man is attractive

329. apologizing for running/bumping into someone

330. playing with your hair

331. having long hair without viking beard

332. being compassionate

333. opening up about problems

334. accepting help

335. Drinking cocktails or milkshakes

336. having your right ear pierced

337. Rollerskating

338. Suntanning

339. Sending sweet texts to your friends just because you thought about them

340. Calling your extended group friends to check in and catch up every 90days-ish

341. Keeping a diary or journal

342. being content with your station in life (not being ambitious or doing every little thing possible for more $$$$ or salary)

343. Not making everything monetary or transactional. Doing stuff for people for free and being friendly.

344. Playing female characters in videogames

345. Caring about your skin and hair

346. Plucking eyebrows

347. Shaving/trimming/waxing body hair

348. Being into fashion

349. Having a 'gay voice'

350. Being short

351. Having small hands

352. carrying a plastic takeout bag by the handles, instead of holding the container wrapped in the plastic bag.

353. Having matching furniture

354. Not owning a car

355. Working in a caring profession (nursing, social work, childcare, elder care, etc)

356. Not liking bars or nightclubs

357. Preferring non-competitive exercise (solo bike ride or weights at home)

358. Doing lateral dumbell raises in the gym

359. Doesn’t laugh at sexist/homophobic/transphobic jokes.

360. Drive with backrest in an upright position

361. Being called cute by a girl interested in you

362. putting cash in my wallet the wrong way

363. carrying my gym bag while only using one strap

364. Making sweets (chocolate candy)

365. Not being into football(soccer).

366. Being down/sad/depressed.

367. Playing "childish" games with my kids (i.e. tea party / dolls with my daughter)

368. Drinking soy milk

369. Liking anal play

370. Using apple products

371. Having been sexually assaulted

372. talking about uncomfortable/unwanted touching and flirting from either gender

373. Riding a Harley Sportsters

374. riding a scooter

375. Complaining

376. superhero movies

377. wanting to wear deodorant that smells like sugar cookies

378. Wearing Shorts

379. Not wearing blue jeans and instead wearing khakis or sweatpants

380. Not drinking

381. Leaving food on your plate

382. Stretching before a workout

383. Eating a salad for lunch

384. Taking your car to the mechanic

385. Having a headache

386. Driving a car (as opposed to a truck)

387. Drinking tea (both hot and iced)

388. Stopping to look at a butterfly

389. Wearing a backpack

390. Wearing non-white socks

391. Listening to any music performed by a woman

392. Sweating

393. Any exercise other than weights

394. being skinny,

395. using an umbrella to block out the sun.

396. Using a lot of emojis or for some men, emojis at all.

397. Being put together and organized

398. Playing as a female character.

399. Going to AA

400. Not finishing my coffee apparently

401. asking a friend which shoes/shirt/pants/accessory goes best with your outfit.

402. Having a cyan water bottle

403. cross-stitch

404. Giving a reach-around

405. Eating bologna

406. Knowing what a cowl neck sweater

407. Making jewelry

408. walk in a quiet, discreet way

409. Talking to other humans openly.

410. liking art

411. being interested in fashion

412. enjoying conversation

413. Wanting kids,

414. being an active parent,

415. being compassionate with your children.

416. Eating yogurt

417. being kind and accepting of everyone

418. Depression and anxiety

419. taking care of health (skin, hair, nails, using moisturizer)

420. plucking eyebrows

421. being clean-shaven and not having any facial hair

422. having very little body hair

423. Not knowing everything about your car or cars in general.

424. Taking medication for medical problems

425. Having a period as a transman

426. Having a lanyard for your keys

427. Going down on a woman

I ran out of characters and can't update it anymore!!!!

Firstly, thank you all for celebrating Pride with us and special thanks to for providing us with the lovely styling.

Now, with Pride behind us and after another year of discussing men, manhood, and masculinity, the moderators of MensLib feel that it's time to do a bit of housekeeping in the form of providing some much-needed clarity to our--and by extension, this subreddit's--positions on certain topics that have made their way into our midst. We've noticed that a fair number of newer users and even some not-so-new users have showcased either profound befuddlement at or outright disapproval of what MensLib is and where it sits within the increasingly complex spheres of gender equity and equality discourse. While the latter group has their views on the subject and aren't likely to change without heavenly intervention, we think we should help the former become better acquainted with what our community stands for as well as what it stands against. This also presents an opportunity to reassure our regular users of our commitment to fostering a more healthy, constructive, and productive conversation about masculinity in the modern age.

The Men's Rights Movement and Men's Rights Activist

Perhaps the most salient area to address is where MensLib stands in relation to the Men's Rights Movement, with particular regards to the MensRights subreddit. To put it simply, we are NOT MensRights. We are not MensRights-lite or MensRights 2.0 or MensRights 2: Electric Bugaloo or MensRights HD 2.8 Remix Final Chapter Prologue featuring Dante from the Devil May Cry series and Knuckles.

MensLib gets its name from the Men's Liberation movement of the 60s and 70s, which then got dissolved and split into two movements: one that was pro-feminist and eventually got absorbed into the general feminist movement; and the other which we now know as the Men's Rights Movement and is anti-feminist. Think of as the subreddit representing the former, not the latter which has an online presence on MensRights.

While the MRM is able to call attention to some gender disparities that negatively affect men (suicide, workplace fatalities, lack of concern male rape and abuse victims, etc.), where they falter is who and what they identify as the root cause of these issues and how best to rectify them. The MRM posits that it is feminism, as well as the rights afforded to women through it, that is the reason(s) why men suffer; that gains for women have resulted in losses for men.

Through hatemongering about feminism, co-opting and weaponizing the struggles of vulnerable and marginalized men to silence women, overinflating the frequency of false rape accusations to obfuscate the ubiquity of legitimate cases of rape, and promoting of outdated, inefficient, and destructive traditional models of masculinity and manhood, the Men's Rights Movement--while claiming to be a force for men--is diametrically opposed to MensLib, which sees itself as an ally and compliment to feminism.

is not an MRA subreddit.

Feminism

We do not believe that feminism, as a whole, is ruining the lives of men. We don't think that feminists are running some conspiracy with the end goal of instituting a matriarchy rule where all the men are rounded up to be castrated and forced into farming soybeans for eternity.

We, however, do acknowledge that there are some branches of feminism and individuals that carry the banner of feminism who present problems not only for men but to the feminist movement itself. There are certain feminists like Mary Koss and Andrea Dworkin who have had some, for lack of a better word, controversial arguments attributed to them during their heyday, including that men cannot be raped (Koss) and that all heterosexual sex is coercive and akin to rape (Dworkin). There are feminists who use the movement as a cover to espouse hatred towards men and that such animosity is integral to true understanding and full participation in feminism.

We do not subscribe to these beliefs. In fact, no feminist who is worth their salt shares these beliefs and to use these particular feminists as a "gotcha" point to disparage the entire movement, which has gone through several iterations and has spawned several branches and therefore cannot be condensed into a single unified framework, is incredibly disingenuous. We are not going to write off feminism because of the words and actions of these people. There are many branches of feminism and the movement as a whole has done tremendous work in liberating women (and men) socially, politically, economically, professionally, sexually, emotionally, and beyond. It is a school of thought with decades of literature, study, and theory dedicated to analyzing gender.

As for the type of feminism we do follow...

If your brand of feminism is not intersectional and excludes people of color and/or LGBTQ folk, we do not want you here.

If you are someone who subscribes to GenderCritical, a subreddit that exudes transphobia and promotes gender essentialism and biological determinism, thus becoming a haven for the stereotype of man-hating feminists that anti-feminists like to pretend are the norm, we do not want you here.

Now, to reiterate...

We are not going to compromise on our support of feminism.

At all.

Ever.

You can try to contest this as much as you want but... you won't get very far. We don't require everyone here to identify as a feminist but that doesn't mean that we allow straight up anti-feminism. You're just gonna have to roll with it.

Women's Participation in the Subreddit

Once in a while, we receive a mod message, comment on the subreddit, or a remark in the real world from a female subscriber or lurker expressing downright paranoia about leaving so much as a single comment here. One acquaintance even thought that we even go as far as banning women from participating, which is just... silly.

We understand the reticence in participating in a male-focused space--many masculine gatherings are hotbeds for misogyny; some of you have experienced men barrelling into female and feminist havens to offer unwanted commentary and derail conversations, so you don't want to repeat the same error here. We empathize and we aren't going to force you to speak if you don't want to.

However, we would still like to make it abundantly clear that we welcome participation from women (and other non-male gendered people), provided that you follow our rules and participate in good faith. Among our goals here in MensLib is generating solutions that lead to healthier relationships with women as well as other men, whether that be mitigating the problem of male violence or fostering more mutually beneficial romantic, familial, professional, and platonic relationships with women. We are not a He-Man Woman Haters Club. There is no sign on the front of our door that reads "No Girls Allowed". We don't bite. And if we do, we make sure to do it consensually.

On that note, we sometimes get suggestions for instituting flairs for women and non-men to help them cut back on having to declare their gender before every statement they make here. This subreddit has a lot of detractors that want to see it fail. They try to ensure it by linking our threads for ridicule, username pinging our users to bait them into a debate for further harassment and brigading. We don't want to put targets on people's backs that basically scream "Look at me! I'm a woman! Please harass me!" So, sorry, but we aren't doing the flair thing.

The Red Pill, MGTOW, and Incels (Oh My!)

The vile, unbridled, and downright repugnant misogyny that forms the bedrock of The Red Pill, Men Going Their Own Way and Incel movements as well as the particular intricacies of each group make them incompatible with the goals and ideals of MensLib.

The Red Pill ostensibly encourages self-improvement for the purposes of securing romantic and sexual prospects. While this appears benign on the surface, the movement posits that women are inherently inferior to men treating them as childlike and deserving of being patronized. It draws in men with rudimentary advice such as dress better, exercise, and exude confidence while indoctrinating them with pseudoscientific and quasi-philosophical notions of alphas and betas and the supposed hypergamous nature of women in order to justify their misogyny. The ideology teaches its followers how to use abusive tactics such as "dread game" and advocates infringing on a woman's boundaries and consent through concepts labeled "last minute resistance". By preying on their loneliness and mental health, men are encouraged to abandon their own moral codes, personalities, interests, and self-worth in order to fit into some cookie-cutter and rigid standard of "alpha male" that dehumanizes women in addition to themselves.

The Red Pill is a cult. Plain and simple. We do not endorse this ideology.

Men Going Their Own Way takes the simple premise of foregoing marriage and romantic relationships and uses it as a smokescreen to promote misogyny. Instead of these men actually "going their own way" and cultivating hobbies, focusing on their careers, or fostering their platonic and familial relationships, they dedicate inordinate amounts of time pontificating about the obsolescence of women and their ruination at the hands of feminism. Women's growing refusal to live lives of subordination and reverence to men is the basis for the followers of MGTOW to join the movement, rather than a genuine disinterest in romantic relationships.

Again, like TRP, we do not endorse the rhetoric of Men Going Their Own Way.

Incels (not to be confused with any person who wishes to be sexually active and isn't; this is strictly speaking about those who officially use the moniker of "Incel") are a group of vile, abhorrent, entitled, rabidly misogynistic hatemongers. Adherents to this worldview have committed several acts of violence that have resulted in death. Many people needlessly lost their lives due to entitlement to and outright hatred towards women. While being sexually inexperienced is fine, we recognize that the social pressures forced on men to gain that experience can cause a great deal of stress, anxiety, and desperation, so we consider it a men's issue. However, the consideration we give to helping those men is cut short when they start using the parlance of Incels (i.e. using terms like "beta" and "alpha", calling attractive women "Stacy" and attractive men "Chad", touting out the 80/20 garbage, denying that women can get lonely, etc.) and when they begin spreading the vitriol that is emblematic of Incels.

In fact, if you subscribe to ANY of the aforementioned ideologies and attempt to promote them here, consider yourself unwelcome.

Jordan Peterson and The So-Called Intellectual Dark Web

Oh boy...

A role model for young men who are disaffected is most certainly in dire need during a time when masculinity is currently in a state of flux. Jordan Peterson, however, is not the role model that is needed.

Much like The Red Pill, Peterson gives advice that is rather commonplace--stand up straight, keep your workstation and living area tidy, be concise when speaking--but surrounds this seemingly innocuous advice with rhetoric designed to maintain the social hierarchies that negatively impact several people in favor of a select few. Someone who...

• suggests that "enforced monogamy" is a viable solution to quell the violent rage of Incels (essentially putting the responsibility on women to not anger them)

• implies that women's makeup and clothing choices are in anyway responsible for sexual harassment and that

• believes that feminists for

• thinks that women who don't want children by a certain age are and that their outrage is due to them finding it difficult , even to the point of suggesting that women (notice that he says this in an interview with Carl Benjamin AKA Sargon of Akkad, the guy who )

• implies that IQ is a (again, he's having this talk with another alt-right talking head, this time with Stefan Molyneaux)

• gaslights his patients into thinking that

• threw trans people under the bus by objecting to a bill that would classify them as a protected class under the veil of opposition to "compelled speech", which in turn propelled him to stardom in the first place

...is a person whose worldview is completely incompatible with the goals of MensLib. He and the other members of the "Intellectual Dark Web" (as deemed by Eric Weinstein), including Sam Harris (another person who wants to play around with the theory that race is genetically linked with IQ by bringing Charles Murray into the foreground) and Ben Shapiro, are not the rebel thinkers that so many accolades proclaim them to be.

neither endorses nor supports and therefore disavows the works, ideas, and attitudes expressed by Dr. Jordan Burnt Peterson. Or anyone else from the IDW.

Racism, Queerphobia, and Other Axis of Oppression

From time to time, we've had users express contention when we talk about race or LGBT issues. Concerns arise with the sentiment that we are siphoning attention away from men's issues and that we are drifting too far in the direction of "identity politics" by talking about racism, homophobia, transphobia, or other similar social maladies instead of, say, classism.

It is quite clear that these complaints are voiced by those who have a narrow definition of what constitutes a "man". This image of a man is typically cisgender, heterosexual, middle-class, and white. The underlying assumption is that this subdivision is a politically neutral force.

"Man" is an identity. It is impossible to participate in a subreddit designed to tackle the systemic issues afflicted that identity while being divorced from identity politics. The male identity intersects with race and sexuality. Men of color, queer men, and trans men are just as much part of the population of men as white straight cis men. Men's liberation is incomplete without being inclusive of men whose race, sexuality and gender expression does not conform to the social and cultural hegemony. Men's liberation involves and necessitates confronting racism, homophobia, transphobia, classism, ableism, etc.

We cannot and will not focus solely on cishet white men.

Free Speech and Moderation

We often get complaints that our moderation policy is too heavy-handed, that we hate free speech, and that we don't allow freeform discussion or...

D I S S E N T I N G

O P I N I O N S

First, free speech does not guarantee freedom from consequences. The fact that so many people seem to not understand this is rather worrying. Or maybe it's feigned ignorance.

Second, We never claimed to be part of the wild west of ideas where everyone can say whatever the hell they wanted unfettered. We have rules and we expect everyone to follow them. If you don't, there are consequences either involving comment removal or bans.

Third, we have to moderate it this way. This is reddit--a site that is ludicrously hostile towards women, people of color, and lgbtq people and is home to several communities that breed and nurture that animosity. This site is home to The Red Pill; this is home to Incels; this is home to The_Donald; this was once the home of CoonTown. The radicalization into the alt-right that occurs on this site is already well-known and talked about.

Our subreddit, while being a discussion forum, is also a refuge for people who want to escape the toxicity of the rest of the site. Some of these people are women, people of color, and lgbtq. The concept of "open discussion", for some people, is a means to debate the humanity of the aforementioned demographics and position their safety and well-being as an abstract. We don't want to have women defending themselves against RedPillers who think that they should be allowed to rape them and they are just all around inferior. People of color shouldn't have to prove their humanity to someone nor should they have to explain why they shouldn't be harassed or killed by a cop for offenses that white people have an easier time getting away with. Bisexual men shouldn't have to convince anyone that they exist and that they aren't just disease-ridden gay men in denial. Trans people shouldn't have to live with people questioning whether or not they are the gender that they are or accusing them of being just mentally ill perverts.

People come into MensLib and try to spout bigotry, often through dog whistles and coded language. Then, once their bigotry is exposed, they try to sealion and rule lawyer, accusing us of not allowing free speech when what they really mean is "the mods won't let me say that feminism is the devil and women are literally witches" or "the mods won't let me grill trans people on why I shouldn't misgender them and call them gross". Allowing this type of pedantry and bigotry to go through in accordance with some absolutist interpretation of free speech indicates to our users that we don't care about their safety or peace of mind. We want them to feel safe and comfortable while they're here.

As I mentioned before in the section on women in our sub, we get bombarded with problematic users who would love nothing more than to see MensLib burned to the ground. We get cross-posted by harassers on a biweekly (every 3-4 days) basis. There are multiple subreddits specifically made to document threads that dissidents find "objectionable", which can range anywhere from "has fat people openly admitting that they are fat" to "not shitting on women enough". The linking often results in brigading. There is no point in debating them, so the ban hammer has to come down quick.

We wish that we can have these types of discussions without doing much moderation. Unfortunately, reddit and its userbase make that an impossibility.

Some of the points laid out here will be added to our wiki page in due time. Until then, thank you for reading and enjoy the rest of your day.

EDIT:

I saw this shared on Facebook as a screenshot from Tumblr (which I can't find) so I've typed it out. It is a reaction to people body shaming Jason Momoa for .

Transcribed from a Tumblr screengrab:

Tumblr deleted my long ass rant while I was in the middle of writing it so you're spared and will only get a summed up version:

Long story short; your abs are supposed to be covered with a healthy, protective layer of fat. The shape Jason momoa is in during his movies is achieved by a diet designed to lower his body fat to unhealthy numbers, dehydrating him and enhancing his abs with make up. This is what a ripped, muscular, healthy person looks like on their off time. If you think this is a dad bod, for the love of everything that is holy, shut up and absolutely never comment on a man's body ever again. I mean hell, you can still see his damn v-line, what fucking dad bod has that?!

Don't believe me? Google some bodybuilders who are off their contest diet. The men who literally make a living for having defined muscles. For 360 days a year, they do not look like the way you think they do. During a bodybuilding contest, these men's body fat is under 7%, they're dehydrated and covered up in fake tan that helps the muscles show up. And it's literally only for that day, because it's extremely unhealthy. Same goes for actors who are known for being ripped - they're at their worst when they're filming. This exact same shit happened with Vin Diesel a few years ago with people getting a paparazzi shot of his "beer belly" and I' genuinely worried for the young men who grow up in this society thinking being muscular means having defined abs 24/7.

Jason Momoa looks ripped a healthy, y'all are just blind with unrealistic standards

The beauty standard for men is one that, if achieved and maintained, has a 100% chance of killing them in a matter of weeks or months.

It helped me to hear someone say that with such a strong example, so figured I'd share with the sub.

EDIT: Some folk have correctly pointed out that it's possible to have visible abs and still be healthy which is a fair point. I should have titled this better, something like not even Jason Momoa looks like Jason Momoa and kept the focus on the ridiculous standards set by Hollywood without implying six packs are an inherently bad thing. Sorry for shaming skinny blokes, you're all great the way you are!

Edit 2: Thanks for the Gold and Silver. I'm not exactly sure what they are... but I'm grateful nonetheless!

Edit: Clarification for why I'm identifying 'leftists' here at the bottom.

I don't know if this is the correct place to post this. But the issue I am posting about pertains specifically to leftism and men, and I'm not sure where else a post like this would go. I hope posting this here is okay.

Recently, Blake Neff, a writer for Fox News host Tucker Carlson was outed as an online troll posting racist and misogynistic content under a pseudonym. You can read about the story if you wish.

If you are familiar with this story and exist in left spaces online, you are probably already aware of how leftists have chosen to talk about this story. If you aren't, then tweet and the replies/quote retweets are pretty representative.

By and large, body-shaming is now how leftists respond to bigots who happen to be physically unattractive. I understand why these tactics have been adopted. People are tired of 'debating' racists, sexists, fascists etc. But when the bigot in question is a woman, everyone understands why it is wrong to body-shame even a bigot (the argument being that, on the whole, it hurts good people far more that it hurts the bigot). This conviction is completely abandoned however when the bigot in question is male.

Over and over again I will see leftists describe bigoted men as genetic failures, incels, disgusting creatures who no woman would ever want to touch, not on the basis of their bigotry, but on the basis of their recessed chin, or their premature baldness, or whatever else might make the man unattractive. I unfortunately share the physical appearance of these men. It has taken a toll on my mental health to constantly read these comments, specifically because they come from the 'good' people.

For a while now, I have been trying to argue that it is still wrong to body-shame a bigot even when they are male, and I am quite dismayed by sheer ferocity of the opposition I have faced. Even the most empathetic and compassionate members of society simply do not want to let go of their ability to mock men on the basis of their physical appearance. I can only assume that humans have a deeply ingrained desire to be cruel, and unattractive men are like the last acceptable target for that cruelty.

I'd like to know what people here think of this. Do you agree that this is actually an issue or no?

Edit: I'm identifying body-shaming leftists because it is the left that understands that body-shaming is wrong. So it's a double standard when they turn around and body-shame one specific type of person. Of course the right body-shames people, I am not claiming that they don't.

Call to action

Good morning folks, this is your regular update from TERF island. The current conservative government, in their infinite wisdom, have decided to turn their attentions towards a nagging desire to inspect the genitals of those using public toilets. Now, you might well wonder why the government is concerned with toilets right now, given the COVID death toll in this country just passed 100,000, but that is the situation as we see it right now.

See the full call for evidence here -

Now, obviously this sorts of laws are based on the misconception that cis men will claim to be trans women in order to assault cis women in public toilets. This basically never happens. However, what they do do is give transphobes an pretext to police transgender people's use of public toilets.

The implications for trans women are obvious, but since this is MensLib, we need to talk about the implications for trans men. Imagine for a moment that you look , but are legally required to use the women's toilets because of your gender assignment at birth. You see the problem immediately, don't you? Instead of making cis women comfortable and safe, these laws put trans men at risk of reprisals from people angry about "the pervert in the women's toilets."

What we are seeing here is a cynical attack on some of the most vulnerable people in the UK in order to distract from a catastrophically bungled response to the pandemic.

What to do

British redditors, we are all going to submit evidence to this inquiry saying "Actually, we don't want the government policing who gets to use which toilets." Redditors from other countries, you are going to signal boost this so as many people see it as possible.

Email (yes really) using the provided by @WeExistLondon on Twitter.

The Man Who Coaches Husbands on How to Avoid Divorce

So some of you might already know about the YouTuber PhilosophyTube, who makes a ton of content regarding philosophy, politics, social issues, and a handful of videos about mental health and personal matters. PhilosophyTube previously identified as "Oliver Thorn", but today came out as transgender and now identifies as Abigail Thorn. I'm really happy for her, and it's been wonderful to see the support she's received.

I feel really weird about it all. "Olly" was seen by a lot of people as a great example of positive, wholesome masculinity (Abby actually jokes in her coming out video about someone who told her this a while ago). I looked up to Abby in that sense, as an example of someone who was masculine, but in a very positive, un-toxic way, and channeled a more modern approach to masculinity while still appearing and acting in a masculine way. Obviously, I'm very happy for Abby for now being more comfortable and open about her gender, but it leaves me feeling almost stolen from, as though this one great example of positive masculinity wasn't really there, almost. It feels like even someone like that who is very masculine, and who was very in-tune with how I feel about masculinity, wasn't actually a real person, and now I feel like my own feelings about it are somewhat validated, and that a positive masculinity like that does not, and cannot exist.

But now I feel quite guilty about it, especially about Abby potentially seeing something like this and feeling bad about it, because she absolutely should not, her life and her identity shouldn't be subject to the feelings of some guy on the internet. Still, I'm struggling to reconcile it.

While there is a push back to how its 'unmanly' to cook and clean but I noiced how media tropes paint usually paint the hyper organized clean freak as rather manly characters (see the hyper competent butler archtype character). Meanwhile there are many popular celebrity male chefs that portray traditional forms of masculinity.

I know it sounds like I'm grasping at generalities but there might be something at these musings

EDIT: Holy cow I've never gotten this many upvotes before. Had no idea my random musing would hit so close to home

We always hear about how the guy has to wine and dine the woman he's with on a date, and make her feel comfortable.

Where the heck is any of that for the guy?

I understand the importance of making a woman feel safe on a date, but how come it's not expected for them to help a guy feel comfortable either?

It feels always expected that I will just be able to get turned on right away and that just isnt true.

I need to feel emotionally safe with a woman before she really turns me on. That's just how it is.

I'd love for a woman to slowly guide me through the sex stuff. To make me feel safe, for a change.

As someone who doesnt have a ton of sexual experience, that would be such a turn on.

Instead, it feels like it is solely up to me to initiate every damn thing, and frankly...I am tired of it.

Yes, I am all for making a woman feel safe, sexy, and comfortable, but I feel like so many women are not expected to treat guys in the same way. At least not at first.

It's maddening.

I deserve to feel safe too.

EDIT- I made a mistake equating the emotional safety of a guy with the physical safety of a woman. They arent on the same level. Women have way more to fear. My language did not make that clear. Moreso, I have started to understand that I have potentially been dating with the wrong mindset. As a highly sensitive male, dating is a ritual that easily tires me out.

To also feel shafted because I dont live up to some masculine expectation is not fun. Yet, I also recognize that dating is not really easy for a lot of people, and that I have made some insensitive comments to some of the people responding to this post.

While my original post had validity, I also feel tired for the women who have had to carry the emotional labor of various men throughout their life.

In short, I thank you all for the various perspectives and I truthfully mean no harm with what I say. I apologize for any faulty language that I've used in this post or in the comments below. (I already removed one highly problematic comment that I got rightly called out on).

A subtle but growing trend I've noticed in the last few months is the encouragement of redefining masculinity by rejecting traditionally masculine behaviors entirely.

Don't get me wrong, these encouragements are helpful in some ways. I am personally exploring gender non-conformity, and am probably non-binary. I own a couple skirts, like to paint my nails, am dyeing my hair a bright color - by all means, I am not the traditionally masculine type and have little desire to strive to that ideal. It's nice to have people in your court, so to speak.

However, there's a more insidious side of this that's been nagging at me for a while. More and more often this advice seems to be unprompted or implied to be a "better" alternative to traditionally-male interests. "Just paint your nails", I hear. "Men should be able to wear skirts. Maybe you should try it, OP", I'll see in posts. There's a subtext there - why isn't every man rejecting the masculinity that's holding him back?

Rejection of traditional masculinities seems to have a weird push behind it as a catch-all to anything that's been deemed potentially toxic about "mannish" interests. On a similar note, it's also layered in what I can only describe as an uwu softboi type of emotional and physical objectification.

I'm reminded of a time a friend of mine lamented about how she hated that men were drawn to masc-coded movies. That men view "Die Hard" as an amazing series but scoff at the mere idea of watching something feminine-coded like "Pride and Prejudice" as if it's beneath them. If only men realized the true cinematic masterpiece that was "Pride and Prejudice" then perhaps they wouldn't be as toxic, was the unspoken message behind that discussion.

I have reservations about it all. I am clearly drawn to a particular type of expression regarding my gender and how I view masculinity. Likewise I agree that it should be acceptable for men to wear skirts, enjoy pink and cuddly things, buy bath bombs, or whatever things aren't currently coded as "manly". But I sense that there's at least a small push to view anything male-coded as too much of a risk for toxicity, and that's quite disagreeable in my opinion. There's nothing about loving action movies that makes someone a bad person - it's only when a belief that period dramas are girly and thus dumb that such a person would be harmful.

This gets into some weird territory. I don't personally think there's some grandiose war on masculinity happening as some would have you believe, but I sense that there's more and more hesitation to reccomend traditionally masculine interests and expressions as positive. I truly hope that we can remember to advocate for more than one masculinity. As much as I want to rock the town in a skirt, I don't want my fellow men to feel shamed for wearing a biker jacket. They are just as valid as I am. Painting your nails is a solution, but it's not one everybody must explore.

I don’t really know where else to post this but I just have to get it off my chest.

Im a college student who started an internship for a construction company and it is miserable. The environment is so toxic in all respects. Completely male dominated too, not a single non-male. The people who work with me and whom I work for are all racist, sexist, homophobic and incredibly rude. I really can’t stand it, I work in a constant state of uncomfortably fear and humiliation. I’m constantly scared of one of the workers talking to me, I stay as far away from them as possible. Any conversation, no matter how simple, stresses me out because I have never had a positive interaction working here.

My first day I hear a white guy say the n word in the context of “never trusting them.” Ive heard the n word about three times since. During breaks they all look at and objectify women on facebook. They gawk and stare at any woman that walks by. They make jokes about others being gay, often times intensely sexual jokes. They constantly fuck with each other by implying another’s stupidity or lack of intelligence. One guy straight up took my tools while I was measuring, twice, and didn’t say anything, just did the measurement for me, as if I was incapable of it.

I do my job very humbly. I do as little and interact as little as I can. Even with this, im still being treated like im lesser than. I get attitude from others for stuff so simple that it literally takes more effort to give me shit then to just give me whatever paperwork/tools I needed. When people here talk to each other its never positive. Its never reassuring, its never nice, its never considerate. Its just toxic as can be I cannot stand it. I can feel myself getting suffocated by the cement of this masculinity.

There isn’t an ounce of space to act feminine. Even things that aren’t feminine will get you berated. The way you talk, the way you throw a water bottle away, the way you walk around the site, the way you kight jump a little from being surprised from a machine or sound behind you. This is why im in a constant state of anxiety even outside work I feel like im becoming a horribly suffocated man and I hate this. I become exhausted, the time goes by so slowly at work. I drink sometimes before bed. I cherish the weekends so much.

I just want this to change. I fantasize about becoming the foreman, hiring a diverse workforce, firing anyone being racist. I just want to be able to work here and not have it make me feel this way

One of the biggest lies we teach the men in our society is that they are aggressive and violent by nature. It simply isn't true.

Science, when it first sought to discover testosterone, did so from a biased starting point. It sought to EXPLAIN male aggression, rather than just study hormones.

Current data shows a lack of a connection between testosterone and aggression.

And further studies have shown that increased testosterone actually makes you more equitable and fair.

Can we finally rid ourselves of this archaic notion that testosterone drives aggression and violence, and as a result dismantle the idea that men are some how "wired" to be these things?

Because personally? The only thing I have seen men wired to be is loving, kind and affectionate.

Getting this out of the way that my social skills have needed work since about forever. It's relevant to the post.

I understood misogyny and sexism from a young age, but I didn't really "get" girls/women. I was very uncomfortable around them and thought about them primarily in terms of social justice.

I wish I was exposed to more stories about girls/women that just showed more of what normal life is like for them. Not strictly limited to cautionary tales about sexism/misogyny. I mean that is relevant, and I wouldn't want to be less up on that, but it seems like I had no other concept in my mind about girls/women than "sexism/misogyny is bad and be sure not to perpetuate that toward them, because that would be unfair and it would suck."

That leaves no positive vibes left at all, and makes me kind of associate these horrible things with girls/women, ironically. (It also limited my view of what men could be, and harmed my relationship to masculinity in general, but more on that toward the end.)

I ended up being a not very pleasant guy to talk to, for girls/women because I would be on edge around them not know what to say.

Recently I've been playing video games with female characters and finding it refreshing to dig into a portrayal that has more going on in it than "sexism/misogyny bad." It almost always comes up, but there is MORE going on. And as you might expect, the fact that I have to input controls for the character to do anything, but their abilities or choices are limited to what makes sense for them in that moment, really puts me in their shoes, but also empowers this neural association between my agency as the player and the character that I am playing as.

I know this going to sound kind of dumb or corny, but I played as Leia in Star Wars Battlefront II and it was fininshing up a mission I had failed like five or six times without using the "hero" ability and just wrapping up this gruelling, symbolic victory with Leia was a real triumph. It reminds me that women and girls have more going on, more that they care about (politics, the symbolism of the rebellion vs the empire and all that, military strategy (she's a fucking general) and tactics in battle, all that.) But I LIVED it too.

I played Life is Strange, which is this high school drama with characters and plot full of rich emotional lives and character development. There are several characters that do a good job of showing a rounded slice of life for people of different walks of life. The cool kids, the jocks the cheerleaders. Male or female, there's somebody of every stripe. But especially given the main character is female, the people she talks to also skew female, and there's a lot of thorough portrayals of female characters with vastly different life priorities, personalities and shit they're dealing with. And (mild spoilers but hardly) there's again a bit of "saving the world" vibe, which gives an ease of relating my sense of "oh shit gotta save the world" as a player, to what the character needs to do to solve it. Like, if I want to fix things, I have to do it through her shoes so to speak.

And I'm playing A Plague Tale: Innocence, which as you might imagine has to do with a plague. (thematic spoilers) Seeing society crumble, and feeling like you gotta do something about it would put me in the main character's shoes anyway. But the rich relationships between the characters has really struck a chord with me, and I have really felt for them all. I feel like I know them and we've bonded, because as you can imagine the characters in a plague are going through some shit together.

So basically what I'm liking is having these portrayals that are rich and not to do with just surface-level stuff or just stereotypical "a minority/marginalized group IS their symbolically, cosmically unfair struggles, full stop end of story." And I love to (just about literally) walk in somebody's shoes as a way to break down barriers.

I think it helped me with my social skills in general, because to problem solve in these games you need to understand the social relationships, you need to empathize, and so on. It helped me connect with the male characters, too and stop thinking about men in terms of being just "misogynists/sexists," too. There are a lot of good MALE characters in these games as well. And plenty of ones who are reallistically balanced and have rich characterization. But that isn't what I'm focusing on most in this post. I think that is worth talking about, too.

I talked about the concept of ambition with my partner on Saturday. I'm "right where I should be" for my age group - successful enough, ambitious enough, with a full career path ahead of me. 

But what if I wasn't? "Well, I like that about you," she said, "so I don't know." 

As I was trying to find articles about this - sources to inform my experiences and the experiences I've read here in ML - I found two genres.

1: "women should be entitled to have ambition, just like men"

2: "what should be done about the unambitious, undateable men?" 

Clearly, this is a gender role that we've not quite unwound. 

In my experience and in my view, part of the sexual revolution was opening paths to power for women. This is good and righteous! But the assumption that undergirds that change - power is good, ambition is good, being a boss is good - is both not entirely egalitarian and lands rough on guys who might otherwise be happy doing something besides striving.  

Want to be a primary caregiver? Perhaps a teacher or a nurse? Those things make you less of a man. 

This is one of the tricks that our current economic system plays on us. Our base assumption is that there's a hierarchy, and by god, you wanna be on top. Instead of eliminating it, we've just added a whole half of humanity who's subject to it. And that kinda sucks.

I want to hear your stories. Is this something that's landed on you? 

I want to tell the story of how I helped my friend cry tonight but I want to give some context.

We've been friends for 20 years and we've always talked about how frustrated we both were in the ways that our friendships with men often go. We would commiserate that we didn't have enough physical contact, enough sweetness, enough vulnerability and lots of other things so we decided to move in together and be and give those things to each other.

Well it's been great, well watch shows on the couch and just have our shoulders together or drape arms over each other and it's been really really great.

I want to be clear, it's not common for big tall straight guys like us to have the opportunity to do stuff like this with other male friends. It is literally alien and unwelcome for most of the men we both know.

And tonight I got to do something I never even thought of doing in my life.

My friend is going through a really tough time and hes just been building up stress for months about this thing going on.

We spoke about it and he mentioned he wished he could cry and told me he hadn't cried except for eyes watering for a half second in 10 years!

I asked him to put his head on my lap and I rubbed my fingers through his hair and I stroked his cheek and I told him he was safe and that I was there and protecting him and he could relax and I was taking care of him.

I remembered my mother doing this for me when I was a teenager and I'd bawl my goddamn eyes out.

After a few minutes he went quiet and then I heard him sobbing and he got up immediately and thanked me and I told him he didn't need to get up and I could see he was confused so I gently put him back in my lap and he just sobbed more for like 20 minutes and then he told me he felt better and went to take a nap in his room.

Look I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, I'm just sharing because some other guy out there right now might need to hear that were allowed to do this for each other. We are allowed to create spaces where our brothers can be safe and vulnerable.

It felt like he had been strong and protective for so long and in that space I was able to convince his body that I was protecting it, that it was safe in my arms with me on the lookout and he was safe to rest and cry.

I'm 40 years old. Ive never gotten that kind of feeling from any man, only my mother and from girlfriends, and tonight I got to give that to a man who is a brother in my heart.

I don't know if this is worthwhile as a story. I've wanted for so long to be a part of some small shift in how men are and tonight I really felt like I got to see something that felt different to how I saw men told to be.

I hope someone gets something out of this.

Goodnight brothers.

Edit: sorry I'm not replying to everyone, I'm not used to this much attention on Reddit.

It's important to understand sexual consent because . Before you flip out about how "everyone knows what consent is," that is absolutely not correct! (in fact, ) people are legit confused about what constitutes consent, such as who admitted he would ass-rape a girl because he learned from porn that girls like anal sex (overwhelmingly , in addition to being irrelevant), or who put his friend at STI risk after assuming she was just vying for a relationship when she said no, or from the "ask a rapist thread" who couldn't understand why a sex-positive girl would not have sex with him, or who seemed to think that because a woman was a submissive that meant he could dominate her, or who haplessly made a public rape confession in the form of a comedy monologue. In fact, researchers have found that in acquaintance rape----.

Yet . Offenders often by whether society will let them get away with it, and the more the rest us confidently understand consent the better we can be for what's right. And yes, a little knowledge .

So, without further ado, the following are common misconceptions about sexual consent:

• (i.e. ) consent for any sexual activity beyond kissing in a new relationship. However, .

• . The overwhelming majority of men and women who say no to sexual advances really do mean no. It's never reasonable to assume that when someone says no, they don't really mean it (unless you have previously mutually agreed to role-play and have decided on an alternative safe word, in which case it's not an assumption) or even ().

• ("Next time," "Let's just chill," "I really like you, but...") These rejections , and any subsequent sexual activity . Both men and women . Perpetrators often , and . It may not be a good idea to recommend to someone that they try to communicate more forcefully, because , so encouraging someone to communicate in ways could actually lead them to danger. Sex offenders are , and , so it is far from outrageous to take precautions against physical violence by being polite.

• when their partner seeks their consent. . Overall, verbal indicators of consent or nonconsent . More open communication also .

• . For one, there are common misconceptions that or necessarily signify sexual arousal. It's also possible for someone to be aroused . Women . Misperception of sexual interest , and men perceive women's actions to be more sexual than the woman intends (, though ). Men who date women are less likely to accurately label sexual assault . If the victim has an . Relatedly, one of the most common reasons . Sex with an aroused person who .

• . The kinds of sexual behaviors one finds appealing is . The law is clear that , yet most sexual assaults . Most women , and are .

• , in order for consent to be deemed absent. Women who try to physically resist rapes . The increased probability of injury .

• can be communicated , and be . Behaviors which don't meet the bar for communicating explicit consent for a particular sexual behavior (like , , , or ) are at best indicators of .

• be communicated or by or nonverbal .

• is the . ; .

• for someone to be to . Contrary to popular belief, (in fact, ). . Deliberately getting a victim too drunk to resist . If someone is blackout drunk, it's a good idea to assume to sex. .

• a . Heavy alcohol consumption in . Intoxicated men who are attracted to a woman are particularly likely to . Intoxicated predators will also often . If intoxication were a legally defensible excuse, rapists would just have to drink heavily (or claim they were drinking heavily) to get away with rape.

• . Genuine consent be , or a .

• . are common fear responses, and thus not signs of consent. In fact, , even though .

• , too, as .

• Consent must happen before sexual contact is made, or a violation has already occurred. , sexual contact that takes a person deprives them to . There is . In fact, . Most victims also .

• Consent is and required . , many people are , there is , and . It's simply intolerable in a civilized society to knowingly expose someone to those risks without their knowledge or consent.

• . For example, .

• . While couples who have been together for awhile often develop their own idiosyncratic ways of communicating consent, laws of consent are just as applicable within a marriage. Marital rape is one of the more common forms of sexual assault, and may more often be about in a relationship, rather than sexual gratification like other forms of acquaintance rape. The physical and psychological harm from marital rape than stranger rape, for a variety of reasons.

• . It's true that ; however, even 'rape fantasies' (which would more accurately be called "ravishment play," snce ) must be carried out . It's never reasonable to assume that a particular person A) wants to be dominated B) by a particular person C) at a particular time. Sexually dominating a kinky person who hasn't consented is still sexual assault.

• Affirmative consent is generally required on college campuses, (and a growing number of legal jurisdictions). For examples, have a look at , , , , , , , , , , or university policies on sexual consent (or , , , , etc.). A requirement for affirmative permission Logically, it makes much more sense for a person who wishes to initiate sexual activity to get explicit permission for the particular sexual activity they would like to engage in, rather than the receiving party having to preemptively say "no" to the endless list of possible sexual acts.

If all of this seems obvious, ask yourself how many of these key points were missed in popular analyses of .

Anyone can be the victim of sexual violence, and anyone can be a perpetrator. Most of the research focuses on male perpetrators with female victims, because , making it both the easiest to study and the most impactful to understand.

It is estimated that 1 in 6 men have been sexually assaulted as a child. The average age of abusive contact is age 9. The most common group at risk is African American boys. Often they have their first sexual experience before 13, long before they can consent. They are portrayed as sexually aggressive and predatory, when in reality a great number of black men have been assaulted by older women in their youth.

Because there is an expectation to be sexual for boys and that victimization is not masculine and so many boys hide it.

Often sexual assault against young boys is seen of as “horseplay” by schools and society, especially if it is done by another boy.

We need to teach our boys that they have say over their own bodies. Consent is important. Little boys CANNOT consent to sex with an adult. Rape happens often to little boys and it needs to end. We need to call it what it is. It is RAPE.

Edit: Sources

"Race and ethnicity are an important factor in identified sexual abuse. African American children have almost twice the risk of sexual abuse than white children. Children of Hispanic ethnicity have a slightly greater risk than non-Hispanic white children."

Hey all, longtime member here, just not on this account. I actually deleted my reddit account a little bit ago for personal reasons, but I wanted to post this basic idea somewhere, because I think it sums up a lot of what is discussed in this sub, but I haven't really seen it stated explicitly anywhere, so I made a throwaway to do so. Here goes:

(cw: sexual assault)

It's a truism in some (but not all) feminist circles that patriarchy is for the benefit of men. Women are oppressed, men are the oppressor, men reap the benefit of this relationship while women suffer. This basic idea /feels/ right on a gut level. After all, what would be the point of oppressing someone if not to gain benefit from it?

However, I don't think this holds up to scrutiny. You can see this by simply asking "what are the paradigmatic examples of patriarchy, and how would men benefit from them?" One is the propensity of men to rape and sexually harass women (compared to women doing the same for men), and for society to protect men who do so from negative consequences. How does this benefit anybody? Even if someone is a purely self-interested being who has no empathy for others, is it in their rational self-interest to rape someone if they know they can get away with it? From a utilitarian standpoint, is that favorable line of action compared to doing anything else? Does it make them happier? Obviously not, and a lot of analysis of sexual assault points to the same: it's about power, not pleasure. I think the same basic dynamic holds for other instances of patriarchy: men being pressured to be the breadwinners for their family (even if they'd be happier in a domestic role), in initiating romantic contact with women (even if it leads to anxiety and burnout), and in suppressing one's emotions (as they usually interfere with the assumption of power).

And power alienates, from others and from yourself. It's so easy to lose track of what /you/ want when lost in the pursuit of power. And engaging with others when who are either subordinate or superior to you inherently prevents connecting with them as fellow human-beings. Even when interacting with so-called equals (other similarly situated men) in the context of pursuing power, the unspoken dynamic is more or less to view them as competitors to defeat in the competition of life, not as brothers. Where power exists, enslavement to it exists as well.

Of course, there /are/ ways in which men DO benefit from patriarchy, as in being more likely to be offered applied-to jobs, particularly in prestigious occupations. But instances of this are merely correlative with or even incidental to the assumption of power - they do not outweigh the detriments patriarchy creates for the vast majority of men. Moreover, this isn't to say that this view of the patriarchy is novel, or that feminist thinkers haven't pointed to similar ideas (bell hooks, for one, has made similar arguments). But too often the difference between empowerment and beneficence is glossed over in both theory and activism, and it's a very fundamental difference. We'd all have a better understanding of patriarchy, if we were more careful to disentangle the two. I even think a lot of the implicit and explicit conflict between those engaged in activism in women's issues and men's issues would be ameliorated if the general public 1) accepted the model of patriarchy to analyze gender with (looking at you, MRAs) and 2) emphasized the role of power, and not beneficence, in their analysis of it.

In my opinion, when spoken out loud, this basic element of patriarchy seems relatively obvious. But too rarely is it explicitly pointed out to, and so we lose track of it.

I had my first experience with this the other day. When I was at a music festival a woman tried to reach under my kilt and cop a feel. I stopped her and she gave me an incredulous look. Her friend even said something along the lines of "what's the matter surely any bloke would like a pretty girl to do something like that." It didn't hit me until later but that girl probably didn't think she did anything wrong. In fact in her mind there was something wrong with me instead for not wanting it. Have any of you experienced similar unwanted contact? And how did you deal with it?

I finally started going to the gym a couple months ago and I've been slowly learning more about fitness and health, since those things haven't really been a priority to me thusfar.

And wow, what I'm learning is shocking. One YouTuber said that this is his thirteenth year of exercise training. Others keep on dropping similar timeframes to "get fit" - and it's not like they are the type of people where their muscles have muscles. They look like what you think of when you imagine a man who exercises. It's becoming clear to me that getting a muscle-y body isn't something that can be done in six months or even a year. It's a multi-year endeavor that will touch every part of my life.

All of that feels very intimidating and makes me a little sad. I feel like being buff is really the only way we allow men to "look good" in society. If you can't do that, be skinny and don't have a beer belly. Realizing that the way to look how society wants me to look will take literal years and countless hours in the gym... yikes. Not to mention that maintaining that look requires drastically changing your diet for the foreseeable future.

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be more in shape and fit. I guess I just wasn't expecting how much continued work it would take to get ripped the way we see on TV.

I realized this while watching Captain Marvel. Obviously toughness is an ideal for a superhero, and has been for male characters for almost a hundred years.

Encouraging girls/women to be tough is great, because they definitely can be tough! But they don't have to be. Sending this message just feels like spreading a toxically-masculine ideal to everyone: "You're only valuable if you're tough."

It's great to be soft too. We should encourage it for everyone in our society. Boys are often mocked or devalued when they show softness, and girls are often disregarded when they show it.

I'm glad the "Girls Can Be Tough" messaging is out there, I just think it's only half the puzzle.

UPDATE: I see a lot of people commenting with examples of male characters crying, or caring for others. I think showing emotion and empathy are two good aspects of being "soft," but they're not the only ways.

Softness includes being "weak". It includes "giving up". It includes admitting you don't know something, or you can't do something, or you need help. It includes feeling overwhelmed and wanting to take a break. It includes putting self-care first. It includes being vulnerable in whatever way that means for you.

EDIT: A lot of people are taking issue with the idea that it's okay to be "weak" and to "give up." Some people are saying "No one likes a weak person!" or "No one likes a quitter!" This is a way of shaming people who are weak (which is a lot of us), or people who want to give up (which is a lot of us).

If someone is physically weak, I don't see that as a problem. But they might feel shame for it, because our society idealizes physical strength. They might push themselves past their physical limits because they are striving to meet those ideals. This is unhealthy. It would be healthier if they said "I'm a physically weak person. I don't need to be strong. I will no longer stress about gaining muscle. I deserve love no matter what state my body is in."

This goes for mental & emotional strength too. Being "weak" in those regards is fine by me. Same with "giving up." If you've reached your limits and you want to stop (temporarily, or permanently) then I trust you. If someone pressures you to keep going past your limits (even if it's your own self), they are holding you to a toxically masculine standard.

And again: I'm not saying Softness is the only thing we should value in our society. I'm saying we should value softness alongside toughness. Both should be encouraged and celebrated (by that I mean, no matter if someone says "I want to keep going" or "I want to stop", we answer with "Good job!"), and neither should be shamed.

. (in fact, ) people are legit confused about what constitutes consent, such as who admitted he would ass-rape a girl because he learned from porn that girls like anal sex^§, or who put his friend at STI risk after assuming she was just vying for a relationship when she said no, or from the "ask a rapist thread" who couldn't understand why a sex-positive girl would not have sex with him, or who seemed to think that because a woman was a submissive that meant he could dominate her, or who haplessly made a public rape confession in the form of a comedy monologue, or . In fact, researchers have found that in acquaintance rape----. By one study, , despite what the law clearly says.

Yet . Offenders often by whether society will let them get away with it, and the more the rest us confidently understand consent the better we can be for what's right. And yes, a little knowledge .

• (i.e. ) consent for any sexual activity beyond kissing in a new relationship. However, .

• . The overwhelming majority of men and women who say no to sexual advances really do mean no. It's never reasonable to assume that when someone says no, they don't really mean it (unless you have previously mutually agreed to role-play and have decided on an alternative safe word, in which case it's not an assumption) or even ().

• ("Next time," "Let's just chill," "I really like you, but...") These rejections , and any subsequent sexual activity . Both men and women . Perpetrators often , and . It may not be a good idea to recommend to someone that they try to communicate more forcefully, because , so encouraging someone to communicate in ways could actually lead them to danger. Sex offenders are , and , so it is far from outrageous to take precautions against physical violence by being polite.

• when their partner seeks their consent. . Overall, verbal indicators of consent or nonconsent . More open communication also .

• . For one, there are common misconceptions that or necessarily signify sexual arousal. It's also possible for someone to be aroused . Women . Misperception of sexual interest , and men perceive women's actions to be more sexual than the woman intends (, though ). Men who date women are less likely to accurately label sexual assault . If the victim has an . Relatedly, one of the most common reasons . Sex with an aroused person who .

• . The kinds of sexual behaviors one finds appealing is . The law is clear that , yet most sexual assaults . Most women , and are .

• , in order for consent to be deemed absent. Women who try to physically resist rapes . The increased probability of injury .

• can be communicated , and be . Behaviors which don't meet the bar for communicating explicit consent for a particular sexual behavior (like , , , or ) are at best indicators of .

• be communicated or by or nonverbal .

• is the . ; .

• for someone to be to . Contrary to popular belief, (in fact, ). . Deliberately getting a victim too drunk to resist . If someone is blackout drunk, it's a good idea to assume to sex. .

• a . Heavy alcohol consumption in . Intoxicated men who are attracted to a woman are particularly likely to . Intoxicated predators will also often . This tactic only works because juries are unaware that . If intoxication were a legally defensible excuse, rapists would just have to drink heavily (or claim they were drinking heavily) to get away with rape.

• . Genuine consent be .

• . are common fear responses, and thus not signs of consent. In fact, , even though .

• , too, as .

• Consent must happen before sexual contact is made, or a violation has already occurred. , sexual contact that takes a person deprives them to . There is . In fact, . Most victims also .

• Consent is and required . , many people are , there is , and . It's simply intolerable in a civilized society to knowingly expose someone to those risks without their knowledge or consent.

• . For example, .

• . While couples who have been together for awhile often develop their own idiosyncratic ways of communicating consent, laws of consent are just as applicable within a marriage. Marital rape is one of the more common forms of sexual assault, and may more often be about in a relationship, rather than sexual gratification like other forms of acquaintance rape. The physical and psychological harm from marital rape than stranger rape, for a variety of reasons.

• . Even 'rape fantasies' (which would more accurately be called "consensual non-consent (CNC)," since ) must be carried out . It's never reasonable to assume that a particular person A) wants to be dominated B) by a particular person C) at a particular time. Sexually dominating a kinky person who hasn't consented is still sexual assault.

• Affirmative consent is generally required on college campuses, (and a growing number of legal jurisdictions). For examples, have a look at , , , , , , , , , or university policies on sexual consent (or , , , , etc.). A requirement for affirmative permission Logically, it makes much more sense for a person who wishes to initiate sexual activity to get explicit permission for the particular sexual activity they would like to engage in, rather than the receiving party having to preemptively say "no" to the endless list of possible sexual acts.

^{§ Research shows}

^{Separately, being interested in something is not the same as consenting to it. See the bullet points above.}

Because of the pandemic and quarantining I have started to try again (6th time now?) at participating in yoga at home.

My first real exposure with yoga was with a personal trainer my prep-school had who was one of the best fitness instructors I have ever had. Once a week we would do 30 min of intense yoga after a grueling 30 min workout. Since then I have been on and off whenever I move to new place. I have always loved yoga but also I have always struggled with it which makes it harder for me to keep up with it. However, I have come to a realization about one of my thoughts about yoga.

Yoga is a humbling experience for me as a cis-male. Playing football, multiple sports, lifting, and being in the military has made my mindset towards exercise to be an aggressive activity. On top of that, American culture has made yoga to be more a feminine activity not one of strength. Yesterday, I attempted a yoga workout with a mindset of a caveman that can definitely out strong these women instructors in this video because I workout. I proceeded to get my ass handed to me through out the exercise while the instructors looked like they didn’t even break a sweat. It was then I remembered one of instructors I had at a military gym. She talked to me about how usually men come in to yoga thinking they can power through it like any other workout. That one can through their body around at the max 100% for 100% of the time. They quickly learn that they cannot do that. Yoga is about control as well as strength. Knowing oneself in body, mind, and spirit. I was humbled when I participated yoga with her and I was humbled when I participated in yoga at home yesterday.

In my more masculine dominated life, it’s good to be humbled every now and then. To see my brothers and sisters on the more feminine side be just as strong if not stronger than I.

I also I figured I post a link that talks a little more about why American men struggle to embrace yoga:

Edit:

I had posted this on TwoX a while ago and I thought Menslib would like it too.

When I was 11, my step mom and I had begun to drift apart. I wasn't really close with any other female members of the family. So my father took it upon himself to explain menstruation to me. He used diagrams and proper names of female sexual organs. He explained why I have a menstrual cycle and showed me how to use sanitary pads. It was a perfectly normal conversation, without a shadow of awkwardness.

I should mention that this happened in 1995 in India. Given the place and the time, it was pretty much unprecedented for a father to even discuss menstruation with his daughter, much less be the one to explain it to her.

At 13, I began menstruating. As did some of my friends. I once mentioned offhandedly how my dad had told me all about it and they were appalled. A couple of them refused to believe me and told me I was lying. Even in this day and age, I see a lot of men getting uncomfortable talking about menstruation. Some actually react with disgust. An equal number of women have told me that it's "inappropriate" for men to talk about periods. This honestly baffles me.

My father's openness regarding something that most people considered taboo is just one of the ways in which he helped shape my perception of gender roles. And for that, I'll always be grateful.

A few years ago my mom died of cancer and our daughter was only 2 and couldn’t grasp what was happening. She’s 4.5 now and asks a lot of questions about Grandma, cancer, death, sadness, heartbreak, how she misses Grandma etc. Today making breakfast I just broke down and started sobbing while she was asking questions and she said that was the first time she saw me cry and wanted to know why I was crying I explained its because I miss my mom and my heart hurts, she said hers did too, we hugged and made breakfast. Ive cried plenty, but never in front of her and I don’t know why that is but I am going to try and be better about expressing all emotions in front of my girls...

Fuck cancer.

Imagine being 20 years old and finding out your lungs have the quality of a 70 year old pack a day smoker.
Silicosis is an irreversible scarring of the lungs caused by cutting stone such as granite or composite concrete.

20% of stone masons in my state (QLD, Aus) have been diagnosed with silicosis, and 30% of any workers cutting engineered stone WILL develop silicosis. The mean age for diagnosis is 34 years old**.**

Many, if not most, of the people doing the brunt of this gruesome labor are: