Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife, “Chelsea,” and I have two girls, “Britney,” 8, and “Zoe,” 4. Britney recently received an invitation to her friend “Olivia’s” birthday slumber party. Chelsea, however, is refusing to let her attend for what I think is a ridiculous reason.

Olivia has a 15-year-old brother, “James,” and my wife is convinced he may try to do something sexually inappropriate to our daughter. We’ve known Olivia’s family for more than a year now, and while I’ve only met her brother a handful of times, he’s never given any indication that we should be concerned about him.

Britney is very upset at her mother’s refusal to let her go to the party, as it would have been her first sleepover. Chelsea suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a cousin when she was 11, so I know where her fears are coming from.  I don’t want my wife to think I’m being insensitive to her past trauma, but I don’t think prohibiting Britney from staying over at any house where there are adolescent boys present is at all reasonable.  How can I get her to allow Britney (and later Zoe) to enjoy this normal childhood experience?

—Not All Boys Are Bad

Dear Not All,

There’s an analogy I’ve heard many times that may be helpful here: If there are a few poison M&Ms in a bag of 30, should you feel safe eating it? What’s three out of 30, right? Is it likely that James or someone else will do something inappropriate? No, but is it impossible? Also no. There are many kids who never attend sleepovers for that reason; I can count on one hand the number I was allowed to attend outside of ones with close family friends, none of them were in homes with older boys, and all of them were accompanied by a warning about what to do if someone tried to violate me.

I think you need to be more sensitive to your wife’s experience. Ask her if there are any circumstances under which she would allow your children to attend a sleepover; if her objection is merely to homes with young men, I honestly think you should honor her feelings instead of challenging their validity. If there are other ways in which your wife seems “overprotective” (I don’t think this is necessarily “over”) because of what happened to her, or if she seems to be often triggered by things that remind her of what she endured, you should encourage her to seek therapy.

I also think you should consider that there are many ways in which young boys can be absolutely awful to young girls outside of predatory behavior, and that limiting situations in which your daughter may be uniquely vulnerable (such as sleeping in the home of a teen boy she doesn’t know well) is not a bad thing. What’s most likely is that James wants nothing to do with his little sister’s friends, but you know what? I wouldn’t be surprised if his presence impacted at least one other girl’s ability to attend this shindig. If you want your daughter to have a sleepover that her mother is comfortable with, host it at your home. I’m not negating the reality of girls being harmed by other girls or women, but your wife experienced one of the worst possible things that can happen to a person as a very young child—and at the hands of a loved one. I can’t blame her for doing anything in her power to prevent your girls from experiencing that. Can you? Every woman has a story (at least one), but to have one like that as an 11-year-old? I hope you can show your wife the empathy she deserves.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My son, “Dewey,” turned 7 last week. Typically when a child in his class has a birthday, it’s normal (and to some extent expected) that they bring cupcakes for the class. The thing is, there are three boys in Dewey’s class that he hates (the feeling is mutual). He said he didn’t want to bring any cupcakes to class rather than give a cupcake to the kids he doesn’t like. I decided to respect his decision. Later that evening, I got a call from his teacher saying that the class had been disappointed when they learned he hadn’t brought anything and asked me why. When I explained my son’s reason to her, she became upset, saying that it was wrong for me to allow my son to engage in “collective punishment” of the entire class. Now I’m concerned Dewey’s teacher is going to take out her frustration on him. Is this worth speaking to the principal over?

—Cupcake Chagrin

Dear Chagrin, 

I understand that it sucked for Dewey’s teacher to have to navigate the disappointment of children who have come to expect cupcakes for every birthday, but she crossed a line by judging your parenting and accusing your son of “punishing” children by not giving them cake on his birthday. What if you were broke that week (I’m assuming this may not be a factor for families at Dewey’s school, but these are trying financial times for many people) or had car trouble and just couldn’t pick up cupcakes? Unless your son had explicitly promised cupcakes, and even if he had, these kids need to learn how to experience normal letdowns. Furthermore, you made a decision on treats based on a lesson you wanted your son to learn. I’d probably try one more time to talk things out with the teacher; I’d request a conference, explain what made me uncomfortable about her email, and ask for assurance that your son’s experience in her class won’t be impacted by her views on your decision. If that fails and/or you don’t feel up to challenging her directly, you can let the principal know what happened and that you are concerned about how your son will be treated in this woman’s class.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My mother-in-law, “Denise,” has breath so foul it could be classified as a WMD. Our 2-year-old daughter, “Maya,” has reached the point where she doesn’t want to get near her because of it. I’ve tried to get my husband to talk to her about chewing gum or using breath mints, but he refused out of fear of hurting her feelings.

Last weekend, Denise came over, and Maya hid under one of the couch cushions. When Denise tried coax her into coming out, she replied, “Go away, poo-breath!” When Denise asked us if her breath really was that bad, she asked us to be honest. My husband told her it wasn’t, but I said it smells like she gargles with raw sewage. Denise got all huffy and left. Now my husband is angry with me and wants me to apologize. I was asked for my honest opinion and I gave it, so as far as I’m concerned, I have nothing to apologize for. My mother-in-law shouldn’t have asked for the truth if she wasn’t prepared to hear it. It’s not my fault my husband is too much of a chicken to be straight with her, so I’m right here, aren’t I?

—Its Called Mouthwash

Dear Mouthwash,

There are a number of people in your mother-in-law’s life who have failed her by allowing her breath to get that bad, but the way you informed her was not necessary. What you said was nasty, and while she needed to hear the truth, you cant seriously defend your delivery. Apologize to her for what you said, but reiterate that her breath is very strong and add that you are concerned about her; chronic bad breath can be an indicator of a number of health issues, particularly oral health. Tell her that you haven’t wanted to hurt her feelings, but that her breath is hard to tolerate. If she doubles down on anger instead of making a dentist appointment, that’s on her, but say what needs to be said kindly so that you can breathe easy (when she’s not around, of course). Also, ask your husband why he and his family haven’t confronted his mother’s breath yet, and convince him that it needs to be taken seriously.

—Jamilah

More Parenting Advice From Slate

I’m a work-from-home dad, and my wife is a stay-at-home mom to our 3- and 7-year-old kids. I’m working 40 hours a week from 8 until 4 from the office next to the living room, and during that time my wife is in charge of the kids (though I help when I’m free). With our schedules, I’m “out the door” just after getting the kids breakfast, and I take over most kid duty from when I get off until bedtime at 8 p.m. Since I am home, though, I’ve noticed over the last four or five months that the kids have been spending an increasing amount of time alone in front of the TV.

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