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It's not just the people going against me, and the backroom dealings... even the people who support me who actually have some level of power/influence just... don't use it, or only do half-hearted things. They don't want to rock the boat I guess?

It just feels like The Work is too important and I don't matter in the grand scheme of things, the wheels of the machine must keep spinning. But if I don't matter, does anyone else?

Honestly just feels like the whole community has become a big corporation, except with none of the laws that actually protect employees (even if poorly) and none of the actual training and departments tasked with dealing with this stuff, so it's even worse.

@kelpacre The "other forums" being Phoronix... which is basically the lite version of that these days. They only close comments when the mess is extreme.

Even then, just the other day they had an article that had nothing to do with me and all the comments were gossip and abuse about me. They only actually close comments in extreme cases, otherwise they never moderate anything. I'm appalled that anyone still uses Phoronix as a serious source for anything.

@lina @kelpacre I use it to look at updates but almost never look at the comments. I think I have found one useful comment there, and it was about how distro packaging is so frustrating to some upstream developers.

@amarioguy I don't think they even did it on purpose, they just don't care... nobody does.

@msokiovt Well, this whole thing started with the abuser being jealous of my girlfriend (to the point she had a massive breakdown), and I'm pretty sure that wasn't the only thing she was jealous of, so... yeah.

I don't know about the rest of the people involved, but I wouldn't be surprised if this played a role for some of them...

@lina Yeah, considering how the abuser was exposed for their actions, and yet they retaliated by outing you specifically, which was completely uncalled for.

Considering that, I'd have to say that I wouldn't be surprised if there was more to this than meets the eye. If that seems to be the case, as I potentially see it, that could be sparking something deeper than I can even imagine (and that I can't even describe).

@rgbunny @lina then how can those disenfranchised from both camps find middle ground? There has to be grey area between the two where outliers from OSS and corporate lyfe can coexisit, but what is it called if it does? What do they want our of it if it does not?

@lina /fallout in a painful way and they’re ganging up on you and pseudo-doxxing you which is akin to deadnaming even if untrue and a shitty despicable move so any claim to offense they may have is phony at best. You’ve shown dignity and integrity and you’re stronger than bullies. I believe you and I choose to believe in you. You are going through shit times and need help, not only from the milieu but also from “headology” to deal with the emotions. You don’t have to reverse engineer yourself /

@lina /and figure it all out on your own. You’re not an experimental device to fiddle with but a generous person with dignity and kindness, so treat yourself as you’d treat other dignified, kind people please.

I’m rooting for you, get in touch anytime, and don’t let the weaknesses of a community become your weakness. You’re the better person here. I’ve been through shit and I know how tainted we may feel in such cases. It ain’t true. You helped so much, and in the future you’ll find new ways /

@lina to do more, on your terms, with a stronger seating and the experience of having navigated that.

You will pull it off. Speak as much as you want. I’ll now sleep ‘cause it’s f’ing late and I want to work on my game boy subsystems tomorrow but I’ll try to check in.

I know it’s sometimes harder, and times have been trying, but I wish you a meaningful and blossoming and happy 2026.

@matcha Thank you...

I already wrote about the situation at length but it just... doesn't seem to matter? I don't know where I'd even give a conference about this or how I'd work up the courage for that. I thought just documenting how messed up everything is, with screenshots and receipts, would be enough to make it clear who's in the wrong here, but it's terrifying how apparently when the abuser DARVOs for hours on end in DMs with influential people, none of that matters, they side with her. And I don't have hours and hours to try to make my case in DMs any more.

Like, this person doesn't even have good people skills. She's just good at acting like a victim and trauma dumping (while lying about facts and events). And apparently that's all it takes...

I do have a therapist...

@lina Hi I saw this post and it resonated with me based on some prior experiences at work. I hope I can offer some comfort below by sharing my own.

Ask yourself, what do you need? What would make you happy? What would fix all of this? If you can make a list, then you can ask people directly for the things that you need, 1-1, face to face if possible, and see what they say. This has been immensely helpful to me.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication#Components

Apart from that, if you just need the world to see what you have seen, and you don't really trust that you can solve this with interpersonal relationships, may I humbly suggest, and I'm not joking at all when I say this, a 90-minute YouTube video to get it all out of your head. Maybe you don't even post it.

> It just feels like The Work is too important and I don't matter in the grand scheme of things, the wheels of the machine must keep spinning. But if I don't matter, does anyone else?

I think about this constantly. I don't believe in impersonal work. I think it's a terrible, awful lie that serves as an excuse to dismiss those from whom we extract value and nothing more. You should matter. That said, I've never been a part of a community that truly took care of me. It has only ever been individuals. Seek out and strengthen those alliances. See above.

All the best this year and thank you for your care and hard work.

@thankfulmachine

> Seek out and strengthen those alliances.

That's the thing... I thought I had friendships and alliances with people who cared about me, people with actual influence in the community... and then when this all happened, none of them stood up for me. Even when I'd stood up for them in the past.

If I had gone into this whole thing treating it as purely an impersonal work environment I'd be less devastated now. This community was presented to me as the "kind" side of Linux development, and I treated it as such... and it turned out that was all a lie, nobody is kind, they're just nice to you when you're doing good work, and when you stop, you no longer matter.

What do I need? For FDo and the people involved to accept that they screwed up, that they enabled an abuser, that they were not qualified for their position in CoC and they need training... but little chance of that.

There was actually a kernel conference in Tokyo just last month, I originally intended to meet some people... but I couldn't work up the courage to any more. Doesn't help that I'm going through my own stuff and not exactly comfortable meeting people in person in general right now...

@lina

Yes, I have made this mistake multiple times and I probably will still keep making it because I'm an idealist and try to live my values. It seems to get me down a lot though T_T.

> none of them stood up for me. Even when I'd stood up for them in the past.

If this happened to me, I'd have a personal, real-time conversation with folks, do the NVC thing, and ask for that which you need without passing judgement or diagnosing them. If you still care to persist in that need, anyway.

I was just talking with my partner about why 'community' is so hard these days, why it has maybe always been hard, we talk about it nearly every day. It seems so complex that I find it hard to grasp any one concrete thing to exercise to make things better for people. It feels like it always comes back around to caring about people on an individual level, and being okay with that level of intimacy, attention, and commitment/obligation, or even just putting in the effort to try to like someone.

I'm afraid that some people just don't have that skill, and/or something else altogether merely loosely binds them, and it makes me sad.

I dunno...

@thankfulmachine

> If this happened to me, I'd have a personal, real-time conversation with folks, do the NVC thing, and ask for that which you need without passing judgement or diagnosing them. If you still care to persist in that need, anyway.

I just... I don't know... I feel too betrayed by the people who most hurt me to carry this out, and the others... I just feel it wouldn't lead anywhere.

Like I literally met Karol IRL (for the third time total) in early 2025. Then months later he's telling the rest of CoC Luna's lies about me and shielding her from any and all critique. What am I supposed to take from stuff like that?

And even then I get it. I've seen how he works. He's a pushover. He goes with whatever story he heard last. But I just don't have the time Luna has to spin lies and cry about me in DMs to people. All I can do is cut out people like this from my life, because I can't compete with an unemployed mooch living off of donations and a grant she somehow got for work she's not doing. I don't have that kind of free time. And it sucks... and it sucks even worse when these people have influence and power, like Karol does.

@lina Yes, I completely understand. It is frankly a lot of work on your part and sometimes it's just too much, especially when you're not sure you're going to get what you need to heal the situation.

I highly recommend these two books to you if you haven't read them. I think if you ever find yourself heading in a direction like this again, I believe they could help you, even more likely to help others around you.

- "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall Rosenberg.
- "Conflict Is Not Abuse" by Sarah Shulman

I hope you will find some peace one way or another and soon. Take care on your way.

@thankfulmachine I actually already have NVC, I should finish reading it ^^;;

@alwayscurious @thankfulmachine Yes.

@lina @thankfulmachine Have you considered legal action?

@lina @matcha [..] Try observing how they're attacking, based on what, how many lies/deception, etc. After several years I found what helped me is some silly memes with proverbs on sensible bits of wisdom that help establish what normal behavior is supposed to be. The crap I had to deal with, at least, became both large-scale and very manipulative.

I would say, do write about it. It helps others to keep track. (Parts that don't expose you, make you vulnerable. The events.)

@lina @matcha look, fwiw, people sometimes claim "social media is bad" etc. but people can be enormous manipulative assholes in local setting as well. I think social media isn't that much worse, but is more apparent. I'd recommend you write about ongoing harassment. You shouldn't deal with it alone. People notice but don't always know how best to help. It doesn't mean it should not be exposed.

@cobratbq @matcha It's not so much direct ongoing harassment (she's been quiet to me as of late), it's the lies she's told and keeps telling about me to others. She's already done immense damage to me and my work by driving me out of the community I was part of. I'm sure she feels really proud and happy about that...

But the thing is, I don't want to annoy people with every little instance. At some point it loses meaning. She already manipulated the people that would be most damaging to me and my work. Me posting about how she keeps going isn't going to make them come around...

@lina @cobratbq a lie takes 10 seconds to be uttered and 10 hours to be disproved. She used “Brandolini’s law” against you.

@matcha @lina I know what you're saying. I have to deal with some particularly hateful things because of lies that are very "sticky" because some people very much want them to be true.
I think, if you see ongoing responses based on those lies, emphasizing/repeating the truth helps, possibly pointing to public facts. Some people will choose prejudice and some will want you to be the bad actor, but those aren't the people you're trying to inform. It's the people who don't know or were deceived.

@cobratbq @matcha The problem is I don't even know what lies she told. Karol says there's evidence against me (which has been shared among the CoC people) but refuses to say what it is.

@lina @cobratbq Hitchen's razor applies here: *Quod gratis asseritur, gratis negatur* (what is affirmed without any backing, is also negated without any backing). https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hitchens%27s_razor

The X.Org CoC committee is only a CoC committee in name if it refuses "fair proceedings" for passing judgement.

https://www.freedesktop.org/wiki/CodeOfConduct/Processes/

Reading the "Processes" page, I see a fundamental problem: there's no respect of symmetry between accusation and defense. I don't see one can manifest truth under such rules.

@matcha @lina even if there is "evidence", it may be meaningless claim because of bad/malicious interpretation, taken out of context, and other types of deception.

CoC means very little to me personally when I don't see basic practices of civilized society and human rights being followed. (And when they do, is CoC really necessary?) Here I understand it existing and posing a hurdle or obstacle mostly.