File:If Google were honest - brick edition.png

Parody of this corporate propaganda page.

Bringing your smartphone's usefulness closer to that of a brick. So you paid $ 1000 for a brand new pocket-sized computer and want to run on it whatever you like? Well, too bad. By making Android [insert corporate buzzword here], we're [insert corporate buzzword here] the [insert corporate buzzword here] environment that allows developers and users to [insert corporate buzzword here] create and connect.

Android's [insert corporate buzzword here] developer verification is an extra layer of [insert corporate buzzword here] that deters those bad bad guys and makes it harder for them to do stuff we don't approve of. Of course, we get to define what "bad" means, and our definition includes whatever lets you store permanent local copies of YouTube videos. Because in our wet dream world, anything taken down from YouTube (including "Android is losing a big feature" by SAMTIME, which dared to wrongspeak about Play Integrity API) is permanently erased from history. Or you can pay for YouTube Premium and we graciously let you have videos for 29 days, after which we will forcibly delete them from your device. With data lock-in of course, so if you thought you could outsmart us by making copies, forget it.

Starting in September 2026, you will have to dox yourself to us and be approved by us if you want to keep making apps that work on most Android devices sold.

Oh, so you're an Android smartphone vendor and you want to keep using the Play Store or Gemini? Then better shut up and comply or else you can kiss Google services good-bye!

Maybe we will change our minds if enough people beg to us for mercy, like that time we reinstated the option to turn off pull-to-refresh in Chrome. Oh wait... we didn't! HAHAHAHAHAHHHHH!!!

Remember, we're the good guys of the Internet! Because our slogan says so!

Text:

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Picture at the bottom:

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(parody)