I was diagnosed with ASD at age 5. They were not diagnosing girls back then. That will go to show how much autism is within me.

25 years later. My diagnosis is no longer in the DSM-5.

(Aspergers)

I have worked, tooth and nail. Literal blood, sweat and tears for the last 4 years to get proper supports in place for me. Trying to gain access to NDIS.

I don’t need to be rediagnosed for autism, it’s quite evident lmao, but they are assessing me for what level of ASD I am. Last week, I heard my mum and my sps (suicide prevention team) say they think I am level 3.

(This is the only thing I need to gain access to NDIS)

I swear to god. If I am a level 3 and you mother fuckers have made me live in HELL, bc of my disability that i have no control over and YOU KNEW, YET TREATED ME LIKE SHIT, AS IF IM MEANT TO DELETE MY ILL ALIMENTS AND HOW MUCH I MASKED FOR YOU FUCKERS FOR 25 YEARS. No wonder I am in full ASD burn out. No wonder why I am suicidal. No wonder why I am always left here wondering why the fuck am I here. Born. What’s the point? Just to suffer in torture?

Anyway - I’ve had 2 OT appointments at my house to assess what supports I need from NDIS when I am able to get access. (Still battling that war)

Akadian health will be assessing me for ADHD.

(All of my care team seem to suspect it.)

It makes so much sense looking back now, not that it would have changed any of this)

I’m starting counselling at Yarrow Place in the new year.You can Google it.

I’m starting to mourn everyone that died on me.

I cannot compress it or box it up anymore. My heart bleeds open.

Jasper, i am so fortunate. So blessed. In the only way that matters to me. Jasper was given 6-9 months on the 4th of December last year. Hes curled up next to me right now. He’s not well. We don’t have much time together. (I told the vets before pain killers stop working to tell me, because i cannot selfishly keep him earth side while he’s in pain. Hell no. But i have had way more time than thought i would and that, that is magic.

I had to call the cops twice to receive consideration and respect at my residence that has traumatised me for an entire year already. Throwing trash across my entire lawn multiple times so i had to get a ring door camera. Music/bass blaring at all hours. Multiple piss ups a week. Lots of 3am wake ups. Lies. Manipulation. The gaslighting. Tresspassing into my area when told no. Luckily the cops and LL did the trick. I feel like I can finally heal in peace. Do you and I’ll do me. I am allowed to talk about what happened to me. I dont know how they expected me to heal with that lack of respect or discardment.

So yeah

I actually feel like the last 4 years might start be paying off and with the house, i feel like i’m able to finally start healing in peace.

Putting this book down. It’s finished now. Time to open a new one.