A woman specifically needs the presence of a wali for the nikah to take place. Before considering the more material aspect of things I’d look into the validity of your Nikah sister.
Many people get married first and then do a ceremony later. I would bring it up, and ask for these things. If he truly is as perfect as you say, it might not be super lavish, but you might feel loved and special. The important thing is not to do it just because you are feeling like you're missing out though
I agree with this. if you feel peer pressure for these things - that maybe you dont care about (although it does sound like you do genuinely want these things) - then dont worry about it. first thing I would address is being honest - first with your husband and then with your family. then the rest will fall into place )
Blessings to his mother who was perfectly involved and guiding you both to righteousness. But did y'all not do any ceremony? A nikkah requires witnesses, it requires feeding guests, to be valid.
We may need a fact check on this one. I don’t know that you have to feed guests for the nikah to be valid? I think you need a mahr, walima, contract, an Islamic officiant, and two Muslims witnesses. I had my nikah during Covid and we had a lot of cultural limitations
Sis it’s something you need to ask. You deserve to get a nikkah the Islamic marriage and the wedding ceremony as well. Why is he rushing you to get married and done with it? To me it’s not right. Whether it’s your first second third whatever it is you deserve to be happy and celebrate with family and friends.
Just have a later reception thats totally fine and normal. So many Muslims have a reception like a year later, especially if they were young and in school. Just have a convo with your husband about how you feel and how having a wedding and looking like a bride is something youve realized is something you really want and if you guys can have a reception to celebrate this amazing moment.
Don't ever put your wants in the back burner OP because itll become a habit and its unfair to both you AND your husband. You deserve to have your wants heard and met, and he also deserves a chance to hear you out and treat you right.
Quite often the pair gets their nikkah done first, and make a wedding later on. Also helps with the wedding pics since he is already halal for you and there are no awkward pictures :) A wedding ring is a christian tradition, this is why some prefer not to have one, but its not forbidden. If he gave you a good mahr, that should be enough, but if you talk with him im sure he will gift you a ring, which you can wear as a symbol of marriage. Im a revert myself and I told my parents everything from the beginning, I wanted them to be involved in this. Its not easy as they might express resentment, but you have to go through with it, sooner or later they will know about it and wonder why you didnt trust them.
Check the validity of your nikkah asap coz u do not wanna be doing zina this whole time 🤣
After that, say you guys haven't done the walima and you'd like one that's halal since walima is sunnah anyway. It can be small, just at home, or hire a hall and invite your families and close friends.
Bring it up in islamic terms so it will be much easier to discuss and if he's a good man, all will go well.
I’m also a revert. I became friends with my MIL and his sisters through the masjid and they were the ones to orchestrate our sit down, etc. A couple of months before our katib kitab/Nikah, his family graciously sat me down and shared what the sisters would and had asked for for their mahr. I included gold, money, and my ring cost in my mahr. I mentioned my relationship with my in-laws before my husband, for context, because that might be why they were so forthright with me about my rights, alhamdulillah.
I would keep a copy of your marriage contract if you don’t have one already. Are you Islamically married only or are you legally married, too? In their culture, do they typically do a western wedding? Does he have sisters or close women in his family that are married? Do they have rings? Did they have multiple events and weddings for their marriages?
if you want a ring you can ask for a ring. we didnt have the ring culture in my family, we gift gold bangles and stuff and a female relative informed me like 3 days before the wedding that I should have a ring for my wife My response was "since when did we do rings?". I didnt even have a budget for it, borrowed some money from her and bought a ring. My wife mentioned 10 years into the marriage now that shed like a bigger gem in it. so it's never to late to ask.
I don’t think there’s any issue with bringing up the matter. I am also a revert so I can relate to the “not asking for enough” or not knowing to ask for more. We had 20 people in his family’s backyard with just fold up tables and catered food. A little dancing just in the family room for him and I. A family friend made our cake and we “cut the cake.” It cost us just under $500– but we had like a whole roasted lamb, I think you could do it for less even— maybe $200 without the lamb.
As for a ring. I don’t know your financial situation. I will however tell you unless it is a lab grown diamond— they are most likely Israeli blood diamonds. If they are not, they are a bad investment as they don’t hold their value. I HIGHLY suggest a gold ring (any real metal you like) with moissanite. He could spend $250-500 and you would have a STUNNING ring— even a whole set. There are a lot of beautiful sets on Etsy. There is also a company out of Anaheim called Classic Jewelers. I’ve seen their prices and they’re really good for lab grown diamonds. I could be mistaken but I believe they’re Palestinian owned.
My husband bought me a diamond ring for my mehr and I deeply regret it since finding out how unethical and poor of an investment— although an appreciate my husband’s generosity.
If money is an issue, you could still have everyone over for tea/coffee and fruit platter and cake… where we lived in the US, you could get a really good cake for $35-60. It would feed like 20 people. For a ring— again, it can be done for a low budget.
Just talk to him 🩷 inshallah khair uhkti. My messages are open if you ever want to talk to another married revert!
Why did you not ask for a wedding ring as your mehr if you wanted it? We also had just a very small nikkah and then told everyone but my only mehr I wanted was a wedding ring and I made sure to get it
So your struggling between your pre islamic life vs post islamic. His mother was right to push for yiu to get married to avoid Zina. Now simply because you didn't have a traditional American marriage process it doesn't mean you actually left out. You can still have a Walimah or wedding announcement with your families and friends.
You’re wrong. In the Arab culture (Levantine region) we definitely do proposals, engagement party, and wedding. Don’t label it “Western” just because your culture doesn’t celebrate it.
Sis, you need to read about Islamic marriage. It sounds like you don’t know about the rights and responsibilities each a husband and wife have Islamically if don’t even know what mehr is. Islam guides us on the obligations we have to each other, and if you don’t know about this stuff their could be expectations he has of you and/or rights he doesn’t give you that later on could cause animosity between you when it comes out that you guys weren’t upholding these things because you didn’t know what was required of you and owed to you.
you can definitely still have a ceremony for your families and if you want a ring say so! don’t let resentment build. it’s very common to have a simple nikkah months or years before a more formal ceremony it allows the couple to become more comfortable with each other in a halal way before moving in together if they chose to do so. in my culture gifting the bride jewelry is common but the idea of a wedding ring is very new; i still don’t have a formal ring lol but it’s something we’ve discussed getting eventually when we have the finances to spend a bit more frivolouslet
it’s completely normal to have a wedding after the nikkah. just tell him it’s something you and your family want i don’t think he would not give that to you
A woman specifically needs the presence of a wali for the nikah to take place. Before considering the more material aspect of things I’d look into the validity of your Nikah sister.
Many people get married first and then do a ceremony later. I would bring it up, and ask for these things. If he truly is as perfect as you say, it might not be super lavish, but you might feel loved and special. The important thing is not to do it just because you are feeling like you're missing out though
I agree with this. if you feel peer pressure for these things - that maybe you dont care about (although it does sound like you do genuinely want these things) - then dont worry about it. first thing I would address is being honest - first with your husband and then with your family. then the rest will fall into place )
If he’s your husband you should be able to express your feelings to him. Tell him what you’ve said in your post.
Did you not discuss expectations regarding gifts, mahr etc?
Something for you to reflect:
Your post suggests that you were living with him in the apartment.
His " overly involved" mother actually "forced" you both to do the right thing. Neither of you could do own your own.
You agreed about simple nikah.
You choose to keep your nikah hidden from your family.
There are many high priority things needs to be first fixed before you can think about ring
Q: He is a doctor, are you also a doctor?
Blessings to his mother who was perfectly involved and guiding you both to righteousness. But did y'all not do any ceremony? A nikkah requires witnesses, it requires feeding guests, to be valid.
We may need a fact check on this one. I don’t know that you have to feed guests for the nikah to be valid? I think you need a mahr, walima, contract, an Islamic officiant, and two Muslims witnesses. I had my nikah during Covid and we had a lot of cultural limitations
You are correct, but it is a heavily emphasized Sunnah, and even feeding dates counts.
Sis it’s something you need to ask. You deserve to get a nikkah the Islamic marriage and the wedding ceremony as well. Why is he rushing you to get married and done with it? To me it’s not right. Whether it’s your first second third whatever it is you deserve to be happy and celebrate with family and friends.
Just have a later reception thats totally fine and normal. So many Muslims have a reception like a year later, especially if they were young and in school. Just have a convo with your husband about how you feel and how having a wedding and looking like a bride is something youve realized is something you really want and if you guys can have a reception to celebrate this amazing moment.
Don't ever put your wants in the back burner OP because itll become a habit and its unfair to both you AND your husband. You deserve to have your wants heard and met, and he also deserves a chance to hear you out and treat you right.
Quite often the pair gets their nikkah done first, and make a wedding later on. Also helps with the wedding pics since he is already halal for you and there are no awkward pictures :)
A wedding ring is a christian tradition, this is why some prefer not to have one, but its not forbidden. If he gave you a good mahr, that should be enough, but if you talk with him im sure he will gift you a ring, which you can wear as a symbol of marriage.
Im a revert myself and I told my parents everything from the beginning, I wanted them to be involved in this. Its not easy as they might express resentment, but you have to go through with it, sooner or later they will know about it and wonder why you didnt trust them.
Did he give you mahr? If not you are still entitled to it and should receive what is common for a woman of your status.
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Check the validity of your nikkah asap coz u do not wanna be doing zina this whole time 🤣
After that, say you guys haven't done the walima and you'd like one that's halal since walima is sunnah anyway. It can be small, just at home, or hire a hall and invite your families and close friends.
Bring it up in islamic terms so it will be much easier to discuss and if he's a good man, all will go well.
Didn't he do any walima or marriage function thing? He can easily do a 'wedding function' where you guys can invite your family and friends over.
I’m also a revert. I became friends with my MIL and his sisters through the masjid and they were the ones to orchestrate our sit down, etc. A couple of months before our katib kitab/Nikah, his family graciously sat me down and shared what the sisters would and had asked for for their mahr. I included gold, money, and my ring cost in my mahr. I mentioned my relationship with my in-laws before my husband, for context, because that might be why they were so forthright with me about my rights, alhamdulillah.
I would keep a copy of your marriage contract if you don’t have one already. Are you Islamically married only or are you legally married, too? In their culture, do they typically do a western wedding? Does he have sisters or close women in his family that are married? Do they have rings? Did they have multiple events and weddings for their marriages?
if you want a ring you can ask for a ring. we didnt have the ring culture in my family, we gift gold bangles and stuff and a female relative informed me like 3 days before the wedding that I should have a ring for my wife My response was "since when did we do rings?". I didnt even have a budget for it, borrowed some money from her and bought a ring. My wife mentioned 10 years into the marriage now that shed like a bigger gem in it. so it's never to late to ask.
I don’t think there’s any issue with bringing up the matter. I am also a revert so I can relate to the “not asking for enough” or not knowing to ask for more. We had 20 people in his family’s backyard with just fold up tables and catered food. A little dancing just in the family room for him and I. A family friend made our cake and we “cut the cake.” It cost us just under $500– but we had like a whole roasted lamb, I think you could do it for less even— maybe $200 without the lamb.
As for a ring. I don’t know your financial situation. I will however tell you unless it is a lab grown diamond— they are most likely Israeli blood diamonds. If they are not, they are a bad investment as they don’t hold their value. I HIGHLY suggest a gold ring (any real metal you like) with moissanite. He could spend $250-500 and you would have a STUNNING ring— even a whole set. There are a lot of beautiful sets on Etsy. There is also a company out of Anaheim called Classic Jewelers. I’ve seen their prices and they’re really good for lab grown diamonds. I could be mistaken but I believe they’re Palestinian owned.
My husband bought me a diamond ring for my mehr and I deeply regret it since finding out how unethical and poor of an investment— although an appreciate my husband’s generosity.
If money is an issue, you could still have everyone over for tea/coffee and fruit platter and cake… where we lived in the US, you could get a really good cake for $35-60. It would feed like 20 people. For a ring— again, it can be done for a low budget.
Just talk to him 🩷 inshallah khair uhkti. My messages are open if you ever want to talk to another married revert!
Why did you not ask for a wedding ring as your mehr if you wanted it? We also had just a very small nikkah and then told everyone but my only mehr I wanted was a wedding ring and I made sure to get it
So your struggling between your pre islamic life vs post islamic. His mother was right to push for yiu to get married to avoid Zina. Now simply because you didn't have a traditional American marriage process it doesn't mean you actually left out. You can still have a Walimah or wedding announcement with your families and friends.
I think the whole ring/proposal ceremony is just a western culture. Definitely not part of the sunnah. Maybe the culture he belongs to, don't do that.
It's her culture and it doesn't go against the sunnah so she can have it.
I didn't see it's against sunnah, I said it's not a part of sunnah. There's a difference. :)
You’re wrong. In the Arab culture (Levantine region) we definitely do proposals, engagement party, and wedding. Don’t label it “Western” just because your culture doesn’t celebrate it.
Same happened with my wife. We were planning a ceremony for a year later
OMG sis, same situation 😨😨😨
Bring it up and do a proper ceremony.
Sis, you need to read about Islamic marriage. It sounds like you don’t know about the rights and responsibilities each a husband and wife have Islamically if don’t even know what mehr is. Islam guides us on the obligations we have to each other, and if you don’t know about this stuff their could be expectations he has of you and/or rights he doesn’t give you that later on could cause animosity between you when it comes out that you guys weren’t upholding these things because you didn’t know what was required of you and owed to you.
you can definitely still have a ceremony for your families and if you want a ring say so! don’t let resentment build. it’s very common to have a simple nikkah months or years before a more formal ceremony it allows the couple to become more comfortable with each other in a halal way before moving in together if they chose to do so. in my culture gifting the bride jewelry is common but the idea of a wedding ring is very new; i still don’t have a formal ring lol but it’s something we’ve discussed getting eventually when we have the finances to spend a bit more frivolouslet
it’s completely normal to have a wedding after the nikkah. just tell him it’s something you and your family want i don’t think he would not give that to you