It’s hard to know what to say when someone you care about loses a loved one. Your personality shapes how you offer comfort, and understanding that helps you show up authentically.
What’s Coming Up
- Why Words Matter When Someone Is Grieving
- How to Say the Right Thing When Someone Dies
- What Not to Say When Someone Loses a Loved One
- What to Say to a Grieving Person Based on Your Personality Type
- Understanding the Grieving Person’s Personality
- Showing Up for Someone Who Lost a Loved One
- Frequently Asked Questions
- Further Reading
Why Words Matter When Someone Is Grieving
Most of us never learned how to talk about death. When someone dies, we fumble through condolences, terrified of making things worse or saying the wrong thing. Sometimes, that discomfort keeps us from reaching out at all.
But chances are that someone who is grieving would rather you show up awkwardly than not show up at all.
The grieving person isn’t evaluating your eloquence – they’re sensing your presence and authenticity.
Research published in BMC Psychiatry shows that social support significantly reduces depression and PTSD symptoms in bereaved individuals, serving as one of the most important protective factors during grief.
When you reach out – even imperfectly – you’re not just being kind. You’re providing something that has measurable mental health benefits during one of life’s most vulnerable moments.
Understanding your personality type – and that of the person you want to support – can help you manage their grief with more clarity and compassion. Take our free personality test to better understand how you process emotions and connect with others.
How to Say the Right Thing When Someone Dies
If you’re wondering what to say to someone who lost a loved one, start with these common condolences:
- “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
- “I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know I care.”
- “This is awful, and I’m here for you.”
These statements acknowledge the reality of a grieving person’s loss without trying to fix it. They also work well regardless of your personality type.
If you want to do something beyond acknowledging the loss, you can offer practical and emotional support.
There’s no “right” way to go about it, but there is an approach that takes the mental load off of the bereaved individual.
Saying something like “Let me know if you need anything” sounds supportive, but rarely leads to action. It also throws the responsibility of asking for help onto the grieving person.
Instead, offer concrete, specific help that they can easily accept or refuse:
- “If you’d like, I can bring dinner Tuesday at 6.”
- “I’m going to the grocery store Thursday. Can I pick up anything for you?”
- “I am happy to keep you company later this week, if that’s something you’d like.”
Now you better understand what to say and do to support someone as they work their way through the different stages of grief.
But what about what not to do?
What Not to Say When Someone Loses a Loved One
Well-intentioned phrases have the potential to backfire. If you’re not paying attention to what you say, you may invalidate a grieving person’s pain, make assumptions, or impose timelines on their grief.
Minimizing statements can subtly suggest the person shouldn’t feel as bad as they do:
- “At least they’re not suffering anymore.”
- “They lived a long life.”
- “At least you had time to say goodbye.”
Allow their loss to be as difficult as it feels to them without searching for silver linings.
Religious phrases assume shared beliefs and can feel dismissive:
- “God needed another angel.”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.”
Only offer spiritual comfort if you’re absolutely certain the grieving person shares your specific faith tradition.
Comparison statements feel invalidating, even when well-intentioned:
- “I know exactly how you feel.”
- “When my cat died, I was devastated too.”
- “At least it wasn’t your child.”
Even if you’ve dealt with loss, you actually don’t know exactly how someone wrapped up in grief actually feels. Keep the focus on their loss rather than drawing parallels to your own experiences or other worst-case scenarios.
Time-based expectations can potentially create shame around the natural duration of grief:
- “You should be feeling better by now.”
- “It’s time to move on.”
- “The first year is the hardest – after that, you’ll be fine.”
Grief has no timeline, and suggesting otherwise can do more harm than good.
What to Say to a Grieving Person Based on Your Personality Type
Your personality influences your communication style, your comfort level with intense emotions, and how you instinctively show care. This means that you have natural strengths – and potential blind spots – to watch for when supporting someone through grief.
Let’s explore these strengths and blind spots for each of the 16 personality types, and how they influence what you might say to someone who lost a loved one.
INTJ (Architects): You have a natural ability to offer thoughtful, measured responses while respecting boundaries. But sometimes sitting with discomfort matters more than analyzing it. Your presence can be enough – you don’t need to understand or fix someone’s grief.
What to say: “I’m sorry for your loss. I’d like to help you with [a specific task like researching funeral arrangements or managing paperwork]. Would that be okay?”
INTP (Logicians): You’re likely to give people space in their grief, easily respecting that everyone processes loss differently. Many people need company even in silence, however, so consider offering your quiet presence rather than assuming they want to be left alone.
What to say: “I’m not great with words, but I’m genuinely sorry for your loss. If you’d like, I can handle returning phone calls or emails for you if you need someone to manage that.”
ENTJ (Commanders): Your instinct in a crisis is generally to take charge of practical matters. You see what needs to happen and you make it happen. This can be invaluable, but remember to acknowledge the emotional weight of loss before jumping into logistics.
What to say: “I can only imagine that you must be reeling from this terrible loss. If you’re struggling to deal with life, I can help you organize everything so nothing falls through the cracks.”
ENTP (Debaters): You have a special ability to bring levity to terrible situations. You should use this gift carefully – gauge whether the grieving person wants distraction or needs you to simply witness their pain without picking it apart or offering alternative perspectives.
What to say: “This is awful, and there’s nothing I can say to fix it. I’m here for you if you want company, distraction, or help getting rid of anyone you don’t want to deal with.”
INFJ (Advocates): Your ability to pick up on unspoken needs means you can sense what someone needs before they ask. But remember that you can’t carry someone else’s grief or absorb their pain as if it were your own, no matter how deeply you feel for them.
What to say: “Whatever you’re feeling right now – devastation, anger, numbness – all of it makes complete sense. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this.”
INFP (Mediators): You help people feel genuinely understood with your empathetic communication style. You recognize each person's unique loss, which creates safe space for vulnerability. Keep the focus on them, though. This isn't the moment to share your own grief experiences.
What to say: “This is heartbreaking. I’m here to listen if you ever want to talk.”
ENFJ (Protagonists): You have an instinct for mobilizing community support that can sustain people through crises. Check in with the grieving person before organizing help, however. Make sure you’re responding to what they want rather than what you assume they need.
What to say: “I’m so sorry for your loss and everything you have to deal with right now. Would you be okay with me organizing a meal train?”
ENFP (Campaigners): Through your warmth and genuine presence in hard times, you help people find meaning in their loss. Let that meaning develop naturally, however, rather than forcing it. Sometimes a grieving person needs you to simply be present in the darkness with them.
What to say: “I’m so sorry this happened, but I want you to know you are not alone. I’m here to sit with you through it.”
ISTJ (Logisticians): You provide reliable, consistent support, showing up when you say you will and following through with what you say you’ll do. Do that, but lead with emotional acknowledgment – even a brief recognition of their pain will make your practical support land more authentically.
What to say: “I know this loss has really taken its toll emotionally, and I’d like to help ease some of the stress by helping with [a specific task]. Would it be okay if I came over Saturday morning?”
ISFJ (Defenders): You tend to nurture others through practical acts of service, quietly handling the little details of life (and death) that others miss. But remember that you can’t pour from an empty cup – take care of yourself so you can sustainably support others.
What to say: “I can’t imagine what you’re going through. It must feel impossible to deal with life right now. I’m going to the grocery store Thursday afternoon. Can I pick up anything specific you need?”
ESTJ (Executives): You see what needs to be done and organize people to do it. But remember, grief follows no timeline or schedule, so let the person move through their feelings at their own pace rather than nudge them toward normalcy.
What to say: “This loss must feel completely devastating. If you’re okay with it, I’d like to help you with [a specific task] for the next month so you can focus on what matters.”
ESFJ (Consuls): In moments of crisis, you have a way of pulling your community together to uphold and uplift hurting people. Keep in mind, however, that some people need to fall apart before they can rebuild – respect when they need solitude, and remember that a rejection of help isn’t a rejection of you.
What to say: “We’re all devastated for you. If you’d like, your only job can be to let us take care of you right now.”
ISTP (Virtuosos): You have a gift for providing steadiness without drama that can be grounding during chaos. Resist the urge to retreat when emotions intensify, however. Your calm presence matters, even if you have nothing to say.
What to say: “This is really tough. I’m not much for emotional conversations, but I’m here for you, even if you just want quiet company.”
ISFP (Adventurers): You make people feel accepted exactly as they are. This is a powerful strength, but your preference for silent presence can leave a grieving person uncertain about whether you truly care or are simply uncomfortable.
What to say: “I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I wish I had the right words to support you. I’m here whenever you need someone who won’t expect you to talk or explain anything.”
ESTP (Entrepreneurs): You have a way of cutting through emotional paralysis with practical motion. In early grief, however, stillness is often more helpful than activity. Let the grieving person tell you when they’re ready to move rather than pulling them forward before they’re ready.
What to say: “This is such a terrible blow. If you need help with anything, I can run errands or handle that project deadline you’re worried about. And if you feel like you need a fun distraction from it all, let me know.”
ESFP (Entertainers): You bring warmth and humanity to dark times, reminding people that life continues even in grief. But let the bereaved individual set the pace for when they’re ready for lightness again – meeting them where they are matters more than lifting their spirits.
What to say: “This is just heartbreaking. Of course you’re devastated – this is a massive loss. I’m here for whatever you need right now.”
Understanding the Grieving Person’s Personality
Your personality type shapes what you might say to someone who lost a loved one, but the most effective comfort also considers the personality of who you’re supporting.
For example, someone with an Introverted personality type may need space more than constant check-ins, even when you worry that their silence is cause for concern. An Extraverted person may need more frequent contact and conversations to process their grief aloud, even if that feels overwhelming to you.
Thinking personality types might appreciate practical help over emotional discussions. They’re not avoiding grief, they’re just processing it differently. Feeling types, however, often need emotional validation before they can focus on logistics.
Watch for cues about what a grieving person really needs rather than assuming they need what you would want or can give them. They’ll show you what helps – through their responses, their energy, their explicit requests – as long as you’re paying attention.
The most effective support matches your authentic strengths with what they really need, not what you assume grief support should look like.
Showing Up for Someone Who Lost a Loved One
There’s no secret formula for saying the perfect thing to someone who has lost a loved one or supporting them through their loss. Your intention and authenticity will matter far more than delivering flawlessly crafted condolences.
Show up. Keep showing up weeks and months later when everyone else has moved on. Coming to terms with death is one of life’s most difficult challenges, so sit with the discomfort of someone else’s pain without rushing to fix it. Your presence during someone’s darkest time will mean more than you realize.
Frequently Asked Questions
What do you say when someone passes away?
When someone passes away, simple acknowledgment works best, such as “I’m so sorry for your loss.” If you knew the person who died, add a specific memory that honors their life. What matters most isn’t eloquence, it’s showing up.
What do you say in a condolence text?
Condolence texts should be brief but warm. You might say “I just heard about your dad. I’m so sorry.” Add a specific offer if appropriate, such as “I can drop off dinner on Thursday, if you’d like”. Text gives grieving people space to respond when they’re ready while letting them know they have your support.
What can I say to someone who is grieving?
When you don’t know what to say to someone who is grieving, start by simply acknowledging their loss. “This is awful, and I’m here for you,” will usually do. As time passes, offer specific support and remember their loved one by name in conversation. Avoid time-based expectations like “you should be feeling better by now.”
What to say to someone who lost their mom?
When someone loses their mom, it’s important to acknowledge the specific relationship. You might say, “Your mom was such an important part of your life. I can’t imagine how much you’re missing her right now.” If you knew her, share concrete memories rather than generic compliments. Mark significant dates like Mother’s Day and her birthday on your calendar and reach out proactively.
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