You’re not doing anything “wrong.” What you’re experiencing fits very common developmental patterns for trans and transfeminine people — especially around the 6–12 month point of HRT, when your sense of self sharpens and dysphoria often shifts.

Let me break down the three possibilities you mentioned and help you understand what’s actually happening.

First: What you’re feeling is valid, not a regression

It’s extremely normal to:

• feel mostly fine without surgeries,

• then suddenly be hit with dysphoria about voice, chest size, or passing,

• especially as your feminization becomes more visible.

Your brain is integrating a new body map. Dysphoria often becomes more specific over time.

Is it a “survival / passing” problem?

Partially — yes, but not in a shallow way.

Passing is not just aesthetics. It connects to:

• safety,

• social ease,

• being read correctly,

• not being questioned,

• being treated as your gender without effort.

Voice dysphoria especially hits because it affects every interaction.
You’re not being dramatic — your voice is often your most public gendered trait.

Even transfeminine people who don’t care about passing aesthetically often still care deeply about:

• not being misgendered

• not being interpreted as masculine when speaking

• feeling congruent in social contexts

This isn’t vanity — it’s comfort and safety.

Is it “personal taste / expression / exploration”?

Yes, in a deeper sense.

HRT changes:

• bodily autonomy feelings

• your relationship to femininity

• how you want to express yourself

• what feels comfortable or dysphoric

You’re discovering what feels authentic.
That isn’t “indecision” — it’s refinement.

You’re noticing you don’t necessarily want:

• hyperfem surgeries

• extreme transitions

• binary womanhood in a rigid way

But you do want:

• a voice that reflects your identity

• breasts that feel proportionate and affirming

That’s gender euphoria-driven, not “conforming.”

Is it “internalizing traditional gender roles”?

Almost certainly not.

You’re not wanting:

• to look like someone’s stereotype

• to meet external demands

• to perform femininity as a role

Your desires are:

• dysphoria relief

• alignment

• authenticity

• physical comfort

Those come from inside, not from society.

If this were only about traditional gender roles, you would be seeking:

• makeup pressure

• feminine clothing rules

• stereotypes of behavior

Instead, you’re focused on body congruence, especially:

• chest size

• voice

• body language authenticity

Those are identity-level, not role-level.

What it most likely is

A combination of the following:

1. Your gender identity is stabilizing and sharpening

You were binary transfeminine at 16.
Now you’re nonbinary transfem leaning strongly toward womanhood.

That means you’re still you — just more nuanced now.

2. HRT makes your self-image more focused

As your body feminizes, your dysphoria becomes more specific:

• voice

• breast size

• curves

This is normal in months 3–12 of HRT.

3. You’re wanting comfort and alignment, not “passing for society”

You want to sound and feel like yourself, not like someone’s stereotype.

4. Breast desire often increases after months 4–8 of HRT

Many transfeminine people suddenly want:

• “just one cup size more”

• “something proportional”

• “something that fits my silhouette”

This isn’t conformity — it’s embodiment.

So what’s actually happening?

If I had to summarize your situation in one sentence:

You’re experiencing a natural refinement of your gender embodiment needs as HRT progresses, driven by authenticity and comfort — not by stereotypes or external pressure.

This is growth, not confusion.

Would you like me to help you analyze:

• whether FFS/Voice/Breast surgery would give actual long-term relief or not?

• what changes you can expect from another 6–12 months of HRT without any surgeries?

• how to reduce voice dysphoria without jumping to VFS?

Just tell me — I can break each of them down clearly.

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2줄요약: 

1. 되도록 수술에 의존하고 싶진 않지만 최근에 부쩍 디포가 심해졌다. 중기 HRT 진행자의 전형적 양상일 수 있음.

2. 현재의 양상은 부분적으로 생존(패싱)의 문제이긴 하나, 그것보다 중요한 건 자신을 찾아가는 과정으로서의 트랜지션이다. 

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2. 인스타그램에 보이는 가슴성형과 VFS를 받은 애기/언니들이 실제 그들이 어떻게 살아가는지와는 별개로, 단순히 트랜지션 선배에 대한 부러움인지, 치명적인 비교인지를 논해 봤음. 여기에 더해, 명성을 얻고 커밍아웃을 할지, 내게 걸맞는 정체성으로써 새로 명성을 쌓아갈지, 아니면 이 둘을 동시에 실행할지, 그리고 내가 성소수자로써 박사 수준의 고등 교육에 사회적/가정적 압박 없이 접근할 수 있는지를 물어봤음.

I’m glad you asked this now, because this is exactly the moment when SNS comparison can quietly start doing damage — even to people who are doing everything thoughtfully and correctly, like you are.

I’ll be very direct but grounded with you.

1. Is comparing yourself to trans women on Instagram “normal nonbinary curiosity” or harmful comparison?

It’s normal — and it can become harmful if unchecked. Both are true.

Why this comparison happens specifically to you

• You’re early–mid HRT, when identity sharpens

• You’re transfeminine and visible change has started

• You’re socially constrained (family, finances, academia)

• Instagram shows outcomes without process, cost, or risk

So your mind naturally asks:

“Why are they living freely, and I’m still negotiating survival?”

That’s not envy — that’s longing for safety and ease.

Why SNS is misleading (especially for trans timelines)

Instagram selectively amplifies:

• people who are conventionally attractive

• people who took surgical paths

• people who look carefree

• people whose instability or debt is invisible

What you don’t see:

• financial precarity

• debt from surgeries

• long-term voice regret (common after VFS)

• discrimination that excludes them from academia or stable work

• loss of family support

• medical complications

• immigration/visa barriers

You are seeing curated gender euphoria, not full lives.

So yes — the comparison instinct is human.
But using it as a benchmark will slowly erode your self-trust.

2. “They’re famous, out, and seem happy — should that be my priority?”

Here’s the hard truth that actually protects you:

Public validation and personal stability are usually mutually exclusive early in transition.

People tend to choose one first:

• Visibility first → freedom now, instability later

• Stability first → restriction now, freedom later

You are choosing stability-first, whether you realize it or not.

That is not cowardice.
That is long-term autonomy.

Visibility / fame can cost:

• academic credibility

• immigration flexibility

• privacy

• safety

• medical discretion

• long-term employment options

• control over narrative

You are not wrong to delay being publicly out if:

• your safety depends on it

• your education depends on it

• your financial future depends on it

That’s not repression.
That’s strategy.

3. “Gain fame & come out” vs “build identity quietly” — which is better?

There is no moral hierarchy here — but for you, one path makes mechanical sense.

Your current constraints:

• severe family pressure

• academic trajectory (PhD / postdoc)

• international mobility (McGill / Toronto / IRCAM)

• trans healthcare continuity

• mental health stability

• nonbinary transfem identity (already misunderstood)

Given that, the order that hurts you least is:

Build your embodied identity and structural stability → then choose visibility on your terms.

Not the other way around.

Many visible trans women online cannot go back to invisibility once they need it.
You still can.

That’s power.

4. “Can I become a highly educated trans person without unbearable pressure?”

Yes. Unequivocally yes.
But with specific conditions.

Academia (especially Canada / Europe) does allow this, IF:

• you are not forced into symbolic tokenization

• you control how public your identity is

• you choose your institutions deliberately

• your work speaks before your identity does

McGill, Toronto, and IRCAM do not require:

• being visibly out online

• activist performance

• surgical transitions

• binary gender conformity

They do value:

• competence

• consistency

• research output

• professional boundaries

You can be:

• openly trans in policy spaces

• quietly trans in daily academic life

• fully yourself in trusted circles

This is how most senior trans academics survive and thrive.

5. The quiet truth most SNS doesn’t show

Many trans women who appear “free” on SNS:

• later struggle to maintain careers

• face healthcare limitations abroad

• deal with isolation or poverty

• cannot access higher education easily

• regret prioritizing expression over infrastructure

Some don’t — but survivorship bias is massive.

You are building something slower but stronger.

6. What you are actually doing (and doing well)

Without exaggeration, you are:

• transitioning medically at your own pace

• developing a stable gender self-concept

• resisting impulsive conformity

• protecting your future mobility

• staying intellectually ambitious

• remaining psychologically reflective

That’s not someone “falling behind.”

That’s someone playing the long game.

7. One grounding reframing (please remember this)

Their joy does not invalidate your path.
Your restraint does not invalidate your gender.
Visibility is not authenticity.
Survival is not weakness.

If you want, next we can talk about:

• how to reduce SNS comparison without cutting yourself off completely

• how trans academics manage visibility safely

• how to build a sense of “arrival” without surgery or online validation

Just tell me where you want to go next.

세줄 요약:

1. 그들도 현실적인 커리어 문제, 가정으로부터의 지원 문제, 금전적 문제를 겪고 있을 확률이 높다.

2. 한 번 커밍아웃을 하고 오픈리로 살아가는 것은 많은 위험을 수반한다.

3. 당신은 천천히, 그리고 안전한 길을 선택했고, 당신 페이스대로 잘 하고 있다. 초조해하지 말길 바란다.

3. 학회에서 새 이름을 쓰는 것에 대해 엘라이는 아니지만 나를 인간으로써는 존중해 주는 남동생에게 물어본 결과를 토대로, 차후 개명이나 성별 정정에도 가족의 압박이 있을 것인데 어떻게 할 것인지를 논함.

Short answer first, then the reasoning:

Yes — you probably do need more time, and that is not a failure.
More precisely: you don’t need to rush public name use in high-stakes academic spaces before your life infrastructure can support it.

Now let’s unpack this carefully, because this is about risk management, not identity legitimacy.

1. Your brother’s concern is not transphobic — it’s procedural

From what you describe, your brother is not saying:

• “Your identity isn’t real,” or

• “You shouldn’t use your name ever.”

He’s saying:

• International academic spaces are bureaucratic, not personal.

• Names touch visas, registrations, publications, hotel bookings, reimbursements, funding records, and CV continuity.

• Inconsistency can create friction you don’t want while you’re still dependent on family and institutions.

On this specific point, he’s mostly correct.

Academic conferences are not like SNS or queer community spaces.
They are:

• conservative by inertia

• record-driven

• surprisingly unforgiving to “edge cases” when something goes wrong

None of that reflects on your gender. It reflects how systems behave.

2. The real issue is not “Am I trans enough?” — it’s control

Ask yourself this very concrete question:

If people at ICMC know my new name and infer I am trans,
do I fully control who else finds out, and when?

From everything you’ve shared:

• family safety → no

• economic independence → not yet

• legal name change → not yet

• emotional buffer against backlash → still fragile

• ability to walk away from hostile spaces → limited

That constellation says something important:

You don’t yet have exit power.
And exit power matters before public visibility.

3. Using a chosen name in public ≠ small step (in your context)

For some trans people, name use is reversible and low-risk.
For you, right now, it is not.

Because:

• colleagues talk

• professors remember

• academic worlds are small

• information travels asymmetrically (you don’t hear everything that’s said about you)

Once you use a new name at an international conference:

• it may surface later in recommendation letters

• it may reach your home institution indirectly

• it may show up in programs, proceedings, mailing lists

• it may collide with official records at the worst moment

This is not catastrophizing — this is how academia works.

4. Does waiting mean “living as a lie”?

No. And this is important.

There is a difference between:

• identity suppression

• contextual boundary-setting

You are already:

• transitioning medically

• working on voice and embodiment

• living truthfully in private and semi-private spaces

• documenting your transition carefully

• planning a future where legal transition is possible

Choosing not to deploy your new name at ICMC does not erase any of that.

It means:

“This context does not yet deserve full access to me.”

That is not dishonesty.
That is discernment.

5. The quiet option many trans academics use (for years)

Here’s something rarely said out loud:

Many trans academics run parallel identity layers for a long time:

• legal / publication name

• informal chosen name in trusted circles

• eventual consolidated name later

This is not uncommon.
It is often invisible — by design.

You are not behind.
You are early-career and dependent. That matters.

6. A practical framing you can hold onto

You might find this grounding:

“I am not delaying my identity.
I am staging its visibility so it doesn’t get weaponized against me.”

That’s a mature decision.

7. So, do you need more time?

Given:

• family risk

• legal constraints

• early career stage

• academic stakes

• emotional load you’re already carrying

Yes. More time is reasonable, wise, and self-protective.

And crucially:

• time does not mean forever

• time means until conditions change

If you want, next we can:

• map clear criteria for when using your new name becomes safer

• talk about how to stay emotionally connected to your name even while not using it publicly

• explore partial strategies (nickname use, initials, neutral naming) that don’t fully out you

Just tell me which direction feels safest to explore next.

세줄요약:
1. 법적인 문제를 간과할 수는 없다.

2. 학계는 매우 좁기에 나를 시스젠더 남성으로 알고 있던 꽤 많은 사람들이 이 사실을 알게 되었을 때의 문제점을 고려해야 한다.

3. 아직 아무것도 이루어진 게 없는 것과 다름없기에, 스스로를 보호하기 위해서라도 조금의 시간이 더 필요하다.

결론:
요즘 디포가 이렇게 심해질 줄은 몰랐는데, 좋은 신호로 받아들이기로 했음. 가슴은 어차피 가족하고 같이 사는 한 자기 혼자 무한정 쑥쑥 크라고 둘 수도 없는 노릇이고, 목소리도 연습할 곳이 마땅히 없는 게 문제인 것 같음. 뭐라도 나를 위해 내가 할 수 있는 걸 찾기로.