Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I have a 3-year-old son, “Adam,” and my brother, “Jason” has involved him in a very seedy situation. Jason works from home, while his wife “Beth” commutes to work out of town. Our childcare provider takes her mother to doctor’s appointments every other Friday, and Jason watches Adam for us when she can’t make it. Three weeks ago, I picked up Adam from my brother’s place. During the ride home, he complained about how my brother had spent the whole time time locked in the bedroom instead of playing with him. Then he told me that his uncle wasn’t alone.
Locked in the bedroom with Uncle Jason was “Aunt Delia,” who is Beth’s sister! I managed to come up with a lame excuse that maybe they were just tired.
When I confronted my brother, he admitted that he had been having an affair with Delia—who is, again, his wife’s sister!—for the last year. He begged me not to say anything. I told him I wouldn’t, and told him that he was never to create a situation like that around my son again. He agreed.
I am at a complete loss here. In the moment I said I wouldn’t tell my Beth, but I feel absolutely slimy about keeping this secret. My husband thinks we need to stay out of it. The problem is that Adam is aware SOMETHING happened, even if he doesn’t understand what. Being 3, he is likely to spill the beans at some point, and we can’t simply stay away from the rest of the family. What should I do?
—An Unwitting Little Accessory
Dear Unwitting,
First things first: You can’t trust Adam to watch your kid anymore. He was unsupervised while your brother was doing something heinous, and now, your son has information that could be absolutely devastating to your sister-in-law. You shouldn’t have to tell Adam that he’s not allowed to tell anyone what they did; that would be normalizing shady behavior for him and training a child to protect an adult who is causing harm.
I understand why your husband wants to stay out of this, but perhaps he should consider how he would feel if he were in your sister-in-law’s shoes—as should you. Her husband’s affair can put her at risk for STDs; also, what if you stay silent and he decides to pick up and leave her in the future? Also, the affair partner is her own sister. This is a devastating level of betrayal. Don’t think about the easy way out here, think about your integrity. You should give your brother a choice: come clean to his wife about the affair, or you will. He has no one but himself to blame. Had he not involved your child in his misdeeds, you may have never found out what he was up to. But now that you know, you owe it to your sister-in-law to allow her to make decisions to protect her safety and peace of mind. You aren’t protecting her by remaining silent, you are only prolonging the amount of time that two people very close to her are allowed to get away with betraying her trust. I know it sucks to be in this position; nothing about this situation is of your doing, yet you may have to potentially deliver life-shattering news (or force your brother into doing it.) There are two people responsible for this mess, and the sooner they are unmasked, the sooner they can be held accountable. But no matter what you do, please, don’t tell your son to keep this secret for his uncle.
—Jamilah
More Parenting Advice From Slate
My husband and I are expecting a baby in December, and we have started arguing constantly about hypothetical or just far-in-the-future problems. Like public school or private school. Or how many activities—sports, music lessons, etc.—is an acceptable number. But we’re also staying up late fighting about things we’re going to have to deal with right away too, like who’s going to get up during the night when the baby cries and how long I should plan to breastfeed. We used to be the kind of couple other people envied because we seemed to get along so well, and we actually did get along well—but now I’m afraid we’re going to fight about everything for the next 18 years! How do we decide about all these things we disagree about?
