When they do things that leave you feeling disgusted with yourself while they feel good with themselves.
Its a pattern of behaviour akin to r***sts, actually.
If you know how to use impactful words against them, you can get plenty of wins, and use the powers of darkness against them. I just compared mine to r******, I am a winner who managed to spiritually sue the evil ones
Not knowing your likes and dislikes, hobbies, friends, how you enjoy spending your time.
Not listening when you're telling them something, not remembering what you told them, rarely showing curiosity and involvement in your life, rarely being excited or encouraging to you.
Not asking or caring about your feelings, not helping you regulate or process when you're going through a rough time, dismissing or invalidating your feelings and emotional needs.
Not caring about or getting you stuff you need like clothing, personal hygiene products, things for school, sports clothing, etc.
Unwilling to inconvenience themselves for you even for important things like socializing with friends, doing sports, doing something special for your birthday, visiting a place you're really excited about, going to a different store that's a little further away.
Making you feel like a burden or a nuisance, rarely choosing to spend quality time with you, barely acknowledging your presence.
Unwilling to adjust or compromise on anything for your behalf while in shared spaces or never stopping to think how their behavior might affect you, as though your opinions, feelings and needs are largely irrelevant.
This sounds like my family of origin in a nutshell! I recently started pushing back and setting boundaries (I’m 56), and my mother decided we need to have a family meeting so I can explain to her and my brother exactly why I’m so angry with them now. Sigh. “I’m not angry, Mom, I’m just standing up for myself.” Sigh. All because I had made plans and wasn’t available to go to a thing at their command. Maybe check with me first? I’m usually available so it threw them for a loop, and because I wouldn’t change my plans, I’m “angry”. No, Mom, those are called boundaries. Sigh, sigh, sigh.
I get this. I have changed my boundaries in regard to how much I will bend for my family. Now I am “angry and keep holding on to my childhood”. That I need to forgive them because we can’t change the past. Now I didn’t say anything about my childhood. That is you just admitting what shitty parents you are because I didn’t drop my plans for you. UGH!!!
“Not knowing your likes and dislikes” reminded me of an incident with my mom. Me and my husband were visiting my family for vacation and she went to great lengths to procure a ‘somewhat rare’ fruit that she believed my husband loves. She offered him the fruit very proudly.. and he said ‘oh I don’t like this fruit, this is her(my name) favorite’. I just looked at my mom with no expressions and she said nothing; just left the room. No sorry, no ‘oh i must have been mistaken’, just nothing.. I wasn’t even surprised she didn’t know and hadn’t ever cared to know. It has been my favorite since ages and 40years of me existing and she doesn’t even know..lol. She must have heard my husband talking about that fruit and just assumed(or hoped) that it was his favorite so she could be a great MIL to him. I can’t even!
One sign is them freezing up and changing the topic when you bring up something that happened to you that needed their attention, because they don't know how to handle the emotions that come with it. They deflect rather than deal. And honestly they do this with everything not just with their own children.
Agreed. This is probably the biggest sign. I'll never forget the day I came home from school in tears because kids were picking on me. I told my mother, expecting SOME level of comfort or validation, and instead she just replied, "Well, you must have done something to deserve it."
Honestly, I think my childhood ended right there. I felt so alone. I never went to my mother for comfort again.
That's rough. I'm sorry to hear that. Sometimes I think I would prefer parents to say something even if it's bad because at least I would know where I stand. (Not that your experience was any better). My parents would just have this weird blank look on their faces and change the subject.
It wasn't until just a few days ago that I mentioned to my dad that we weren't raised in the best way and he finally snapped and said he's at the fag end of his life and he only has energy for himself and mom and if we have a problem with anything it's just ours to solve. Felt like the biggest loser because they teach you your whole life to abandon yourself for them but when the time comes they'll abandon you for themselves.
Emotional neglect is in my opinion the most pervasive form of emotional abuse - simply because there is no proof of it. It exists but it's easy to gaslight you into believing you're "too sensitive".
Yes, you are "too" sensitive because you've developed an emotional allergy towards indifference.
You don't need definitions and signs of what is ok and what is not - your body and your emotions are already telling you the Truth about their behavior - even much louder than you would like - trust it.
Don't let them gaslight you. I would say one of the biggest part of my recovery was realising this - You are not confused. You are not the problem.
Still thinking you're the same person you were when you were a kid. My parents seem to have solidified their concept of me as a rebel tomboy, which I guess I was when I was like 10, but they never bothered to learn anything about me after that. Now I'm a pretty normal middle aged lawyer with a husband and a house and some cats, and they're shocked when I do "girly" things like wear pink or do my makeup or take a dance class. It's so odd!
Oh also, having only a vague/surface level understanding of things that are really important to you. Like, I'm into gardening, which is something they remember. But I'm specifically interested in organic/heirloom/native plants, reusing materials, etc which I have talked about at length. And yet, they keep getting me things like plastic garden decorations and non-organic fertilizer, which are kind of the opposite of my actual hobby. It's like they only listened to a half sentence and then I guess zoned out for all the other times I've talked about it.
Oh, my gosh can we be friends! Sorry, your parents might not find this interesting, but you sound like a cool person. Hope you’re living your best life✌️💀
Punish you for feeling emotions, threatening to publicly shame you (filming you in emotional distress and post it online), dump their grown emotional issues on the child, only nice to you when youre obedient, never playing with their child, leaving children outside alone for long periods, using the threat of police/etc to control or coerce.
They ask you a question, such as "What's your work schedule?" You tell them. Next morning - "What's your work schedule?" You tell them again. At the dinner table - "What's your work schedule?" You tell them again. Two hours later - "What's your work schedule?" You say "For the fourth time - it's Tuesday, Thursday and Friday!"
"Why are you being so disrespectful? I was just asking a question!"
Oh I've got a good one. They let me simply rot away doing nothing and basically ignored me because I was too scared to try anything or go anywhere, and anything I did ask to do was ignored. While I watched my sibling get all sorts of resources and attention to do a wide range of things all over the country that must have cost a small fortune, for my entire childhood.
I was bought up like that , no emotional support, nothing and I had it tough growing up as I was different, I resent my parents now for that and are basically NC with them .
We don't talk. I get a call every few months from Mom but they are more distress than relief. The conversation is never about anything related to me and is often just her ranting about my sister. I don't think they care much for me. I can't imagine people neglect people they care for
Conversation with my mother yesterday "Did Dad tell you about my amazing new job offer with a $50k sign on bonus?" "Yes. Did he tell you the neighbors are picking corn today?"
Thanks, Mom. Appreciate that acknowledgement. I got a doctorate and never even got a "good job." And she wonders why I don't call.
They make no effort to get to know YOU as a person. They could not care less about any interests or hobbies you might have. Encouragement of those hobbies? Nope.
Your description of "you're just another wall in the house" is the most accurate way I can describe my childhood. Except you also have to act like that wall just existing is a MASSIVE inconvenience to you.
I packed my things to move abroad for my master’s degree, and I told him twice what degree I was studying and which state I’d be in. For more than four years, he kept asking and repeating the wrong degree, until I eventually stopped correcting him.
When I got food poisoning as a child, my mother cried and made the situation about herself. Everyone focused on calming her instead of helping me, and I was left vomiting for two hours. When my father finally came to check on me, he started eating my food and checking his own blood pressure and temperature.
When you tell them do not send you a specific food in the mail but then they do anyway because they sent it to your siblings. It’s just really inconsiderate to not listen to your kids.
How they react to difficult movies. I think of ladybug although i didnt watch the movie. Or... How they think of movies like tangled, encanto... Maybe turning-red. But tangled to me is one movie i feel is the most difficult to openly explain by a parent abuser
I had something like that happen too. My husband's side of the family is really big into genealogy and so their family tree goes back to like the 1700s. I was digging into my side and I got as far back as great-great grandparents. At some point during all of this I shot my mom an email telling her what I was doing and asked a couple of questions about people. She straight up ignored my email and then later when I asked her about it, I got "what do you need to know all that for?" Like god IDFK maybe I like learning about our family history?
Having your only parent stay less then 2km from you yet not having spoken to you in weeks. Only contact you when help is needed and gets angry if your unable to assist. Expects you to put your work aside to find material for his business yet he has a women of which spends her days laying at him. Yet they don't speak to you don't contact you. When they do see you somewhere in town the interaction is more of a burden then care. Hell fir years I tired to build a relationship with my dad but it was always one sided. When I met my now wife i just decided to focus on me and her. Honestly best decision I eve made. Sometime in life we just need to admit it to ourselves when it's not worth it anymore yes it hurts but not as bad as trying over and over to have some sort of relationship and no interest from the other party. Now I just life my life for myself and my wife and I'm happy. My mother inlaw past away recently they never even bothered to attend the funeral came with same lame excuse. So honestly I don't even care anymore I just live my life not worth it to try. I got a family of my own on the way so the lesson I learned be a man be a father be a husband be a man my family with be proud and honored to have.
When they do things that leave you feeling disgusted with yourself while they feel good with themselves.
Its a pattern of behaviour akin to r***sts, actually.
If you know how to use impactful words against them, you can get plenty of wins, and use the powers of darkness against them. I just compared mine to r******, I am a winner who managed to spiritually sue the evil ones
Not knowing your likes and dislikes, hobbies, friends, how you enjoy spending your time.
Not listening when you're telling them something, not remembering what you told them, rarely showing curiosity and involvement in your life, rarely being excited or encouraging to you.
Not asking or caring about your feelings, not helping you regulate or process when you're going through a rough time, dismissing or invalidating your feelings and emotional needs.
Not caring about or getting you stuff you need like clothing, personal hygiene products, things for school, sports clothing, etc.
Unwilling to inconvenience themselves for you even for important things like socializing with friends, doing sports, doing something special for your birthday, visiting a place you're really excited about, going to a different store that's a little further away.
Making you feel like a burden or a nuisance, rarely choosing to spend quality time with you, barely acknowledging your presence.
Unwilling to adjust or compromise on anything for your behalf while in shared spaces or never stopping to think how their behavior might affect you, as though your opinions, feelings and needs are largely irrelevant.
Ouch. I think my dad has this list with checked off boxes next to each item.
This sounds like my family of origin in a nutshell! I recently started pushing back and setting boundaries (I’m 56), and my mother decided we need to have a family meeting so I can explain to her and my brother exactly why I’m so angry with them now. Sigh. “I’m not angry, Mom, I’m just standing up for myself.” Sigh. All because I had made plans and wasn’t available to go to a thing at their command. Maybe check with me first? I’m usually available so it threw them for a loop, and because I wouldn’t change my plans, I’m “angry”. No, Mom, those are called boundaries. Sigh, sigh, sigh.
“Not knowing your likes and dislikes” reminded me of an incident with my mom. Me and my husband were visiting my family for vacation and she went to great lengths to procure a ‘somewhat rare’ fruit that she believed my husband loves. She offered him the fruit very proudly.. and he said ‘oh I don’t like this fruit, this is her(my name) favorite’. I just looked at my mom with no expressions and she said nothing; just left the room. No sorry, no ‘oh i must have been mistaken’, just nothing.. I wasn’t even surprised she didn’t know and hadn’t ever cared to know. It has been my favorite since ages and 40years of me existing and she doesn’t even know..lol. She must have heard my husband talking about that fruit and just assumed(or hoped) that it was his favorite so she could be a great MIL to him. I can’t even!
One sign is them freezing up and changing the topic when you bring up something that happened to you that needed their attention, because they don't know how to handle the emotions that come with it. They deflect rather than deal. And honestly they do this with everything not just with their own children.
Agreed. This is probably the biggest sign. I'll never forget the day I came home from school in tears because kids were picking on me. I told my mother, expecting SOME level of comfort or validation, and instead she just replied, "Well, you must have done something to deserve it."
Honestly, I think my childhood ended right there. I felt so alone. I never went to my mother for comfort again.
Emotional neglect is in my opinion the most pervasive form of emotional abuse - simply because there is no proof of it. It exists but it's easy to gaslight you into believing you're "too sensitive".
Yes, you are "too" sensitive because you've developed an emotional allergy towards indifference.
You don't need definitions and signs of what is ok and what is not - your body and your emotions are already telling you the Truth about their behavior - even much louder than you would like - trust it.
Don't let them gaslight you. I would say one of the biggest part of my recovery was realising this - You are not confused. You are not the problem.
Still thinking you're the same person you were when you were a kid. My parents seem to have solidified their concept of me as a rebel tomboy, which I guess I was when I was like 10, but they never bothered to learn anything about me after that. Now I'm a pretty normal middle aged lawyer with a husband and a house and some cats, and they're shocked when I do "girly" things like wear pink or do my makeup or take a dance class. It's so odd!
Oh also, having only a vague/surface level understanding of things that are really important to you. Like, I'm into gardening, which is something they remember. But I'm specifically interested in organic/heirloom/native plants, reusing materials, etc which I have talked about at length. And yet, they keep getting me things like plastic garden decorations and non-organic fertilizer, which are kind of the opposite of my actual hobby. It's like they only listened to a half sentence and then I guess zoned out for all the other times I've talked about it.
Oh, my gosh can we be friends! Sorry, your parents might not find this interesting, but you sound like a cool person. Hope you’re living your best life✌️💀
Punish you for feeling emotions, threatening to publicly shame you (filming you in emotional distress and post it online), dump their grown emotional issues on the child, only nice to you when youre obedient, never playing with their child, leaving children outside alone for long periods, using the threat of police/etc to control or coerce.
Literally what you wrote
Disregard your existence, wants, needs, problems.
Example
"This thing you do really bother me"
"Okay. I'll stop" proceeds to do that thing. "Sorry, i forgot" proceeds to do that things again. "Ugh, is this really that big of deal?"
They ask you a question, such as "What's your work schedule?" You tell them. Next morning - "What's your work schedule?" You tell them again. At the dinner table - "What's your work schedule?" You tell them again. Two hours later - "What's your work schedule?" You say "For the fourth time - it's Tuesday, Thursday and Friday!"
"Why are you being so disrespectful? I was just asking a question!"
When i was really depressed and suicidal, I had nobody and went to my mom to tell her. She said please don’t bring my mood down LMAO
I am really sorry for you
Talking over you, interrupting, changing the subject when you speak to them or others. Your voice is not relevant.
Oh I've got a good one. They let me simply rot away doing nothing and basically ignored me because I was too scared to try anything or go anywhere, and anything I did ask to do was ignored. While I watched my sibling get all sorts of resources and attention to do a wide range of things all over the country that must have cost a small fortune, for my entire childhood.
Ask me why I can't ride a bike lol
I was bought up like that , no emotional support, nothing and I had it tough growing up as I was different, I resent my parents now for that and are basically NC with them .
It's not that they don't care but that they are self involved & immature. Ignoring others wishes feel like power to them (foolishly).
We don't talk. I get a call every few months from Mom but they are more distress than relief. The conversation is never about anything related to me and is often just her ranting about my sister. I don't think they care much for me. I can't imagine people neglect people they care for
That was the entire point for my dad. If he knew something bothered me, he'd double down on it soley to torment me.
OP, I have experienced all that you listed from my narc mom.
I only felt her resentment that I was an accidental birth.
Today, she is alive and 87. I really dont have care for her, not even pity.
Conversation with my mother yesterday "Did Dad tell you about my amazing new job offer with a $50k sign on bonus?" "Yes. Did he tell you the neighbors are picking corn today?"
Thanks, Mom. Appreciate that acknowledgement. I got a doctorate and never even got a "good job." And she wonders why I don't call.
They make no effort to get to know YOU as a person. They could not care less about any interests or hobbies you might have. Encouragement of those hobbies? Nope.
Your description of "you're just another wall in the house" is the most accurate way I can describe my childhood. Except you also have to act like that wall just existing is a MASSIVE inconvenience to you.
I packed my things to move abroad for my master’s degree, and I told him twice what degree I was studying and which state I’d be in. For more than four years, he kept asking and repeating the wrong degree, until I eventually stopped correcting him.
When I got food poisoning as a child, my mother cried and made the situation about herself. Everyone focused on calming her instead of helping me, and I was left vomiting for two hours. When my father finally came to check on me, he started eating my food and checking his own blood pressure and temperature.
Op it’s not you, it’s them, read all the comments and you’ll see it’s a pattern with narc families.
When you tell them do not send you a specific food in the mail but then they do anyway because they sent it to your siblings. It’s just really inconsiderate to not listen to your kids.
How they react to difficult movies. I think of ladybug although i didnt watch the movie. Or... How they think of movies like tangled, encanto... Maybe turning-red. But tangled to me is one movie i feel is the most difficult to openly explain by a parent abuser
I was researching my family history. My mum was outraged and said that was her family and that I had no right to be involved in it
I had something like that happen too. My husband's side of the family is really big into genealogy and so their family tree goes back to like the 1700s. I was digging into my side and I got as far back as great-great grandparents. At some point during all of this I shot my mom an email telling her what I was doing and asked a couple of questions about people. She straight up ignored my email and then later when I asked her about it, I got "what do you need to know all that for?" Like god IDFK maybe I like learning about our family history?
Having your only parent stay less then 2km from you yet not having spoken to you in weeks. Only contact you when help is needed and gets angry if your unable to assist. Expects you to put your work aside to find material for his business yet he has a women of which spends her days laying at him. Yet they don't speak to you don't contact you. When they do see you somewhere in town the interaction is more of a burden then care. Hell fir years I tired to build a relationship with my dad but it was always one sided. When I met my now wife i just decided to focus on me and her. Honestly best decision I eve made. Sometime in life we just need to admit it to ourselves when it's not worth it anymore yes it hurts but not as bad as trying over and over to have some sort of relationship and no interest from the other party. Now I just life my life for myself and my wife and I'm happy. My mother inlaw past away recently they never even bothered to attend the funeral came with same lame excuse. So honestly I don't even care anymore I just live my life not worth it to try. I got a family of my own on the way so the lesson I learned be a man be a father be a husband be a man my family with be proud and honored to have.
Oh gosh this is my whole family I’m 22 and still live at home I don’t really know what to do.