How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I am 45 and recently separated. I’ve had many great sexual experiences, and believe that sex, specifically kink, can be really healing and fun. But the one thing I still have problems with is confronting a partner when I notice something is off.
A few months ago, I met someone. We had a good meetup and decided to go to my place. Things progressed to me removing her pants and underwear. She obviously had a bacterial vaginosis infection. I didn’t say anything, and while I’m competent in discussing preferences, boundaries, and most anything, this has got me stumped.
I’ve spoken to a few friends about the situation, and it seems like the best course of action is to be kind but up front about feeling like something might be off. It is a health issue, and my understanding is that I could potentially transfer it to another partner. While not super common, it does happen enough that I feel like I need to have a strategy. It’s not chill to have in my dating profile—“must know what BV is and be clear”—but it seems to be similar to an STI. Thoughts?
—Biting My Tongue
Dear Biting My Tongue,
Yes, researchers have found that men can seemingly spread the bacteria that cause bacterial vaginosis to their female partners, and while some studies suggest that BV is not transmitted between women, others suggest that it is. (I haven’t found a study looking specifically at nonbinary folks, but given it’ll be some combination of these same parts, I think we can generalize.) It’s good of you to be cognizant of this risk, even though bacterial vaginosis is not usually included on lists of conditions that are officially deemed STIs.
If this really is simply a health issue, use barriers. Why aren’t you using barriers anyway? You have multiple partners, testing is useful but not foolproof, and (as you’re experiencing) communication about this stuff can be difficult enough that you can’t rely on partners to let you know that they’ve tested positive for something. I’m guessing, though, that BV, which is significant enough to be obvious, is off-putting in other ways. Do have some empathy for the women–sex education is rarely comprehensive, and women often grew up being told their genitals inherently stink, which can cause them to just expect smells that would ideally indicate that a visit to the gynecologist is in order. Sometimes there can be a few days of a passing funk, which can be related to using the wrong soap or having eaten something that affects the person’s scent temporarily.
That said, it’s best to speak up. Your friends are correct that being kind and upfront are the goals to aim for, and that “something might be off” is generally a great way to phrase it. The more you can approach the situation from a neutral “sometimes bodies have situations” place, the more likely they are to stay calm. And, in the event that they want to proceed with sex anyway, remember that you’re within your rights to say no.
—Jessica
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I am a mid-30s woman, and I’ve been with my boyfriend for going on a year and a half. Last week, a friend messaged me, saying she had to tell me something about my boyfriend. Well, turns out he was active on Tinder. I was shocked and confronted him almost immediately. At first he denied it, but he eventually came clean … about everything.
