he was extremely kind and accommodating to me, he was supernaturally receptive to my preferences and made me feel like i knew the real him, but there was a stifling tension in there too. i must have said something challenging to him, i forget what, but at some point he said something like "are you gonna try and turn me towards sensitivity?" because he was in his shitgoblin era still. i was the one to break things off, because he kept making enemies of people and i felt like staying with him would isolate me further. i still wonder if he clocked me as an egg somehow.

i just remembered that i had a fucking nightmare about him at the time, like a stress sleep paralysis nightmare, was i scared?

People have kind of resented Vaush for a long time as just being one in the long line of leftist (meaningless descriptor) white dude youtubers who suck all the air out of the room of any important topic because their whole job is to endlessly clout chase, getting into petty bitch fits with other "leftists" while regurgitating extremely surface level talking points to convince his fans that they can get away without reading any meaningful theory on the subject. Just a really annoying guy, but innocuous enough not to really be able to say anything against him other than 'I just find him insufferable because he's a fucking moron whose fans are assholes'.

So, the desire to nail him to the wall for something was already there, and from the way you explained it you were a mentally ill, isolated, vulnerable person that he took advantage of and tossed by the wayside once you wouldn't give him what he wanted - going so far as to sexually objectify you in front of his fans when you were a teen.

You said 'i can't really imagine opening with "nice dick" when an 18yo fan enters my twich chat', and there's a reason for that: that's insanely predatory. You essentially just revealed to us in a casual, off-handed way that he's a sexual abuser.

Being supernaturally nice to people and making them think they really know you in a way nobody else does is one of the first steps of forming an abusive relationship, isolating you via turning people against you by association was the next step, and the fact that he sicced his fans on you when you no longer gave him what he wanted is an extremely common form of retaliation from abusive men.

Take all this or leave it: I don't know you, nor him, nor the context at a personal level - but the way this scans just reading your posts on the subject, not even trying to accuse him, is 'holy fuck you were being groomed'.

Thank you, this kind of reading is completely foreign to me, it was the same "tell it as a funny story and people start looking at you weird" episode that has happened to me like 4 times now. i am not nearly confident enough to use such strong language but i'm very thankful that you'd be so blunt