A 47-Year-Old Woman Goes to See a Band

Before the show starts you are backstage and can hear "How Soon Is Now?" playing from the bar and you think how 30 years ago that song was you and it was everything but now it just makes you roll your eyes a little and laugh at how overly dramatic both you and the lyrics are

Before the show starts the sexy lead singer hugs you tightly and it almost makes you cry because he smells amazing and his body is lean and muscular and it has been months since a man has held you close like this 

Before the show starts you wonder if you actually can get away with just wearing this long t-shirt over leggings, you never wear leggings as pants in public, but they are black and your boots are black and that's supposed to elongate your short little legs or some shit, and who gives a fuck about your leggings or your boots or your legs anyway, you will never see any of these people again 

Before the show starts you wonder how long you'll be able to stand there alone in the crowd nursing the can of beer you took from the Green Room that you don't really want, wonder how long can you stand the dull ache of standing there alone, wonder how long until it doesn't feel so weird. Being alone at home is safe and familiar, being alone in a crowd reminds you that you're there alone. You spot other women standing alone and wonder if they're thinking the same things you are. Are they also questioning what they wore? Are they also aching with loneliness despite being surrounded by people? Do they also look at all the couples with the same combination of seething and longing, or has being single for all this time just made "bitter" your default setting 

During the show you forget about all of this, because suddenly you remember how absolutely fucking amazing live music can be. The bass line has replaced the dull ache and is now living in your chest cavity, it creates a beating there stronger than your own heart has felt in years. The band is genuinely great and you find yourself dancing. DANCING, can you imagine the audacity? Dancing in public and wearing leggings like you're sixteen in your bedroom. You are SMILING, too, smiling while you're dancing, how dare you! Smiling at the band, the lights, the other people who are also dancing, the feeling of moving your body for a change. Smiling like you don't have all the stress in the world always living in a halo around your brain at all times 

During the show someone taps you on the shoulder and tells you how adorable you are just dancing there, and how you're even more enjoyable to watch than the band, and you thank them because you are genuinely flattered but also it makes you laugh hysterically, because the nicest and most enthusiastic compliment you've gotten in forever not from the Internet comes from a girl who's about 24 years old 

During the show the lead singer smiles at you and gives you a shout out from the stage and it's not the first time this has ever happened to you and if your life made any sense he wouldn't be leaving town to move across the country, but of course it doesn't and of course he is 

During the show you realize you're not going to be able to move tomorrow from all the dancing because you are old and you never dance or exercise, so you keep dancing even though there's no one to massage you when you get home 

After the show the lead singer gives you a t shirt and another close, tight hug and you once again silently curse the Universe for always putting men in your life that you will never get to have 

After the show you drive home but you don't feel that same sense of disappointment you usually do when you go out alone and go home alone. Maybe it was the dancing creating an endorphin high. Maybe you have finally accepted that this is your life and you're now accustomed to the solitude of the drive home and the sleeping alone without questioning it. Maybe you don't always have to remind yourself of what you don't have. Maybe it all just....is 

After the show but before you even get home you can already feel your neck and shoulders stiffening and your lower back and legs aching even though you had those inserts in your boots because you are middle aged 

After the show you remember hearing "How Soon Is Now?" and how the lyrics seemed to fit you so long ago and how they could still fit you so easily now if you let them 

And you go home, and you don't cry, and you don't want to die 

Instead, you take three Advil and stretch before bed while still wearing your leggings