AITA for banning my husband and father in law from the delivery room due to their intensely stressful/creepy behavior during my pregnancy?
Not the A-hole
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NTA - But IMO - it's time to be frank. Tell him you want to go to his next therapy appointment. Then you need to explain to the therapist what has been going on, and that you are seriously considering banning your husband from the delivery room.
Using the top comment to mention that not only should husband clearly not be in the delivery room, but OP may also want to consider getting some sort of power of attorney giving someone other than the husband the right to make medical decisions during this period. Husband is clearly not in his right mind at the moment and I wouldn’t trust him to make decisions in OP’s best interest if OP is unconscious.
This! Not only kick them out, but make sure you have someone who will be in there with you and helping you through this. Especially with the pressure you will get from your husband even if he isn't in the room, your support and keep speaking for you even when you are in the heart of labor.
Even a therapist isn't going to be able to deprogram 35 years in a few months though. The husband can be doing everything he says he is, but that might not be enough to get his head right "in time".
True but in that case a therapist could also help him process and deal with the reality that he is not stable enough to be in the delivery room.
NTA. I'd also make it very clear to the hospital staff that the two are, in no circumstances, allowed in. Just in case FIL is 'commanding' enough to wiggle his way in. 'Putting his foot down' on your medical decisions? Jesus Christ.
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Holy fucking shit, what did I just read.
NTA. I don't even have the words to describe how fucked up your situation is. Do not let them in with you! Jesus Christ, what is wrong with them?!?
I'd even look into staying with your family away from them for the remainder of your pregnancy. If your husband refuses to address this massive issue and is just being backed by your FIL, go to safe territory and don't let them terrify you for the rest of your pregnancy. That's not good for you.
Holy hell, what insanity...
Right?!?
To me, this is marriage-ending levels of fucked-up-edness. That is, unless the husband recognizes his anxiety and gets major help.
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I can't think of anyone worse to be in the delivery room.
Jesus fucking Christ. I would not only not allow them in the room but if I were you I would consider how safe you are in this marriage. NTA
Dude same...I felt terrible saying it but I mentioned in my comment that she should really be wary during her recovery period. They sound unhinged. I thought maybe I was biased/projecting because of all the mentally unstable/ manipulative people I've come in contact with.
INFO: why did your husband want to have a child with you if he thought delivering a baby would kill you? Why would he agree to a pregnancy?
The preparation lifestyle most couples adopt while gearing up for postnatal life (babyproofing the house, painting the nursery, cooking and freezing for meal prep, etc.) is the same approach OP's husband and FIL are casually taking to their life with the baby after her supposed imminent demise. They're so certain of her looming death that they get annoyed with her for suggesting she may live through childbirth. Given that OP's husband is seemingly fine with that outcome, is fully looking forward to his future as a single father without her alive, and is actively banking on her life insurance to fund his dream of single fatherhood, this whole situation is genuinely terrifying.
Not to be alarmist, but the leading cause of death for pregnant women is homicide, and most of those murders are committed by the man who impregnated them.
Hi Mary (love your posts, so I recognized your name immediately)
I found OP's last post alarming.
I caved and did the "terminally ill parent recording videos for after their death" thing, the issue that was the big impetus for me making this post was my FIL swinging by the house to "help" me pack up all my non-maternity clothes and take them to our storage unit. I was like "wtf no I'll need those soon" (I'm active and healthy and relatively close to my pre-pregnancy size***), he called me insensitive for not "making things as easy as possible" on my husband. Husband came home, saw that my clothes were still in the closet, and got upset with me because "we need to be prepared".***
OP, I don't want to scare you, but I see the most worrying points are these:
The two have some kind of shared psychosis. The fact that your husband sides immediately with his father should scare you. BTW, whom did the husband mean with "we need to be prepared?" They form a unit against you.
They are actively trying to erase you already. What I found most terrifying is the fact that you recorded videos for "after her death".What happens if OP were to die in whatever form? These videos could be used to support the theory that she killed herself/was morbid. A life insurance? Great, money for the widower! The "only important thing is a healthy baby" (Quote Father)I am not suggesting that the two of them are actively planning a murder, OP, but they would callously throw you aside. The only thing that appears to matter to them is a healthy baby. I find that extremely worrisome.
EDIT: If the two of them were really afraid that OP were to die, they could talk to the doctors, nurses... they could both be there and be like "emergency c-section!" at the slightest hint of trouble. They could read statistics of why women die in childbirth and try to counteract this, e.g. having OP bath in lavender to calm her down or whatever. Instead - they are preparing for what, exactly?
They are both enforcing each other instead of calming down and saying "Ok. What can we do not to lose OP." And the father (with less emotional attachment to OP) appears to be leading this: asking her about the maternity clothes, the will ...
it's fucking strange. Also keep in mind - how old was OP's husband when the mother died giving him birth? Who fed him these "I need to prepare for my wife's death?"
Unless OP's husband is magically gifted to remember everything since birth, someone must have planted these fears in him. If I were the father, i would have made sure that my son undergoes counseling.
Nooooo NTA. As soon as you said this behavior was stressing you out, they needed to back off and be supportive instead. Thats A LOT to deal with on top of being pregnant.
Could be wrong but I think most women wouldnt want their FIL in the delivery room, so although that background info is intense, its not needed.
This is your body, your birth, you decide. If they cant be supportive, its on them and dont feel guilty for putting you and baby first. I hope you have someone else in your life you can count on when the time comes. Going back to marriage counseling sounds like a good idea.
Congrats and wishing you strength...literally!
I really, really, really would prefer my own mother be there in place of my FIL (hospital allows only two support folks in the room). My husband said that that's not fair, as we both need a support person, that he will be mine and my FIL will be his. I do get that. But FIL is like...actively planning for my death. I don't want that vibe in the delivery room.
No. When your husband gives birth he gets a support person. Until then, it's all about you. Your mom should be there. Your husband shouldn't if he can't handle it. You won't have time or energy to worry about him. Please talk to your medical team, make sure everyone knows what YOU want (epidural, etc.) and keep your fil far away from you.
No offence to expectant fathers, but they don’t get support people. If your husband thinks he needs one, clearly he won’t be in any position to be yours.
INFO: in the event that you dont die, how do you think your husband will react?
Edit: I’m being serious here OP. Have you asked your husband what happens if you do not die????????
Cause this is super scary and I’m worried you’re going to end up on the news. You say you don’t even recognize your husband anymore and his presence gives you anxiety. They’re trying to make you move your own clothes to storage to make it “easier” for your husband and get angry when you say you’ll want them because you’re alive. They are literally planning for you to be dead. Period.
These are all glaring red flags. I know you got pregnant and had an idea in your mind of how everything would play out and this isn’t that, but holy shit you need to adapt ASAP to this horror film of a reality.
Don’t miss the forest through the trees, OP. We love you and you have our support ❤️
NTA. You and your husband might need to go back to counseling to discuss all of this. Especially your FIL saying he won't "allow" you to get an epidural?? Wtf?? I've had two epidurals, they were wonderful. The second time I went from dry heaving and writhing around in pain, to actually being able to be calm and present and focus on my breathing during labor.
It is absolutely crazy to me that your FIL thinks he would be invited in the delivery room to begin with? I see this on r/ babybumps and justnomil all the time, too. Why on earth do so many inlaws/parents think birth is a spectator sport? I'm extremely close with my mom and I did NOT want her to see me give birth. Please keep talking about this with your therapist at least. I'm so sorry they're doing this to you during what should be a happy and exciting time, it's a shame they are letting their inability to deal with past trauma ruin this for you.
Yeah it's weird af. Like I said I've always felt like he resented me a little for "taking" my husband from him but we still got on really well, I've been completely unprepared for this because the way he treats me now is just...unimaginably cold and weird and controlling. He was never like this before I got pregnant. When we got into it about the epidural/laughing gas he told me that the "only important part of delivery is a healthy baby", that medical intervention for the mother is inherently bad for the baby, and when I said "my comfort is an important aspect of the birth" he told me "your comfort in this process is irrelevant". So....yeah. We're not coming back from that. Our relationship is completely done.
The comfort of THE WOMAN GIVING BIRTH is irrelevant?? The wellbeing of the mother, physically and mentally, is of utmost importance. I'm sorry, I might be crossing a line here but that kind of thinking (not necessarily by him but other doctors/nurses) might be what got his wife killed. It's actually HIS comfort in this process that is irrelevant.
OP, I’m worried about you. Is it possible for you to move into your parents home for the rest of your pregnancy and the immediate post partum period? I’m afraid for your safety amidst people who believe, to a truly unhinged level, that you are going to die. Others, please tell me if I am overreacting but I’m getting a bad feeling about this.
NTA.
I'd actually recommend talking to your local police and telling them the situation. You are not safe around these men. I mean, there are enough True Crime videos on YouTube that'll tell you how this is going to go.
There are two men in your life that are actively preparing for your death. By your own admission, they are asking you to fill out life insurance forms, write a will, create videos of you talking about yourself to show the child, they are going through your possessions and are talking about what you want to be given to others when you die. Not only that, but your father in law is actively talking about infringing on your own bodily autonomy by 'not allowing you to have an epidural.'
I am absolutely mind blown that your own therapist has not alerted the police about this too. Have you not told them what you've written on Reddit?
Pack up your things, call a friend, your parents, whomever, and leave. Ban these men from contacting you at all, and notify the police of their behaviour. Get a lawyer, start divorce proceedings and do your best to protect your child. You know damn well they won't let you get away with what they think is theirs. Have you honestly not thought about what will happen when you survive childbirth? The lengths they have gone to prepare for your passing is beyond extreme. They are not even considering you surviving by your own admission.
I seriously, seriously think you need to re-read what you posted here because these aren't just red flags, it's a whole red sky. I think you are in denial about how bad your husband and your father in law actually are. Again, by your own admission, you have said that your father in law is an imposing figure and he will get what he wants. He has already decided what he wants. That is you dead in childbirth. Your husband is immediately siding with him.
You are not safe. Your child is not safe. This shouldn't be posted on AITA, this should be posted on Legal Advice.
Run.
EDIT: I would also like to point out that OP's husband is emotionally distancing himself from OP already, making it difficult for her to be around him and speaking as though she is a dead woman walking. Her FIL has told her, to her face, that her health and safety is irrelevant. They are so convinced of her death, that I fear for her when she lives through childbirth.
When there are two, deeply mentally unstable men utterly convinced that OP will die, her survival alone will be enough to get them to murder her. The cognitive dissonance alone will be enough to convince them to do it.
I genuinely cannot believe I read this.
I sincerely hope it is a creative writing project. This is beyond disturbing.
NTA. Ban them both and hire a doula. Going through childbirth FEELS like you are dying, so father will freak the hell out when he sees how much pain you are in. It will be a huge scene. You need a calm, supportive presence not someone with mental health issues being triggered.
Also, oh my god please go to couples counselling.
Do you have a safe place you can stay with baby after? This is so concerning. Sounds like they’re already planning on raising this baby together and will alienate you. Please speak to your family about this
NTA.
WHO would want their father in law in the delivery room? That’s an extremely personal thing and I can understand having another woman in the room, like your mother or MIL, but your FIL? Put your foot down. He doesn’t get to be in the delivery room.
Your husband and FIL are stressing you out, which is increasing your risk of complications. Tell them they need to get over their own insecurities without forcing them onto you.
Your FIL 100% does not get a say as to whether you get an epidural or any meds. That’s YOUR decision alone. I don’t even think your husband gets a say. The only two people who should be involved in the discussion of getting an epidural is the woman pushing the baby out, and her doctor.
There are so many issues here and your husband and FIL are going to ruin the birthing and pregnancy experience for you if they continue this behavior. Stand firm and tell both of them that if they don’t stop they don’t get to be in the room (but also tell your FIL he doesn’t get to be in the room anyway bc it’s weird that he wants to be).
Here's some outside perspective-
Your husband and FIL have got you in an extremely abusive situation. Don't listen to any posters on here who try to tell you that your husband is just a poor scared guy who needs your sympathy and understanding. He does not care that this impacts your health. If he did, he would have done much, much more to fix his issues. Your husband calls you paranoid and backs his father on everything. You've been so gaslit and isolated by them and their dynamic that you can't imagine anyone standing up to your FIL, even nurses who have a legal obligation to do so. You are questioning if you "owe" your husband to let him stress you, a pregnant woman. He should never make you feel that you are obligated to suffer from how he treats you. He should never, ever make you feel that you must consider that maybe his presence is more important than your healthy delivery. That alone is abuse.
Still not convinced? Your FIL thinks he can control your medical decisions about epidurals, pain relief, and other interventions during your delivery, and your husband backs him up. That is more abuse.
And since he escalated it during your pregnancy, it is not going to go away after the baby is born.
It is appalling that you feel that your FIL wants you to die. But your instinct is not wrong. It is appalling that your husband and FIL have sided themselves against you over a fantasy of your death.
The problems go deeper than the immediate. Your husband is in no frame of mind for you to actually SURVIVE the birth. His "paranoia" serves an escapist purpose for him. How is he gonna handle it when you actually do survive, and instead of some sainted memory, he has a real, sleep-deprived, healing woman, taking up space, having moods, getting up at 2 am for a crying newborn? Do you think he will take care of you?
It reminds me of a friend who, when he was a child, got the idea from somewhere that the world was going to end in a year. So he stopped doing his homework and was mentally unprepared when the world actually kept going.
NTA a thousand times over. If you have anybody on your side of the family you trust, you need to stay with them and you need them to help you in enforcing your rights. Get a pregnancy advocate too if you can.
I’m sorry, but I feel like they’re planning your murder.
NTA, not to be rude (but I’m gonna be) why are you with this man?
OP, this is the only Reddit post I've ever come across that has genuinely terrified me. You need to remove yourself from the reaches of these men. When I read your original post, I thought your husband and father-in-law were batshit crazy. Now that I've read your comments, I think they mean you harm. They want you to pack up your clothes so that they don't have to do it after you're dead??
Even if I believed that they both truly believe that you'll die in childbirth, which I don't, that would mean that your husband elected for you to die so that you could provide him with a child.
Since it's obviously not true that they truly believe that you'll die, because that's fucking bananas, it seems like their intentions are to ensure that you die. If your husband genuinely believed that you would die and preferred that you didn't die, wouldn't he be spending quality time with you rather than asking you to pack your shit for the grave?
If you'd been diagnosed with a terminal illness, would he have spent the remainder of your life asking you to put your belongings in the storage unit?
These men might be planning to kill you. I'm enough of a true crime fanatic to know that that shit HAPPENS. No one thinks it will happen to them, but it happens, and those to whom it happens are real people, and their murderers are real people, too. And these men are asking you to film yourself as though you know you're going to die; they might try to make it look like a suicide.
Read up on Josh and Steven Powell. The circumstances are different, but the vibe is the same.
Get the fuck out of there, girl.
Edit: Also, tell fucking EVERYONE about this, specifically your mother and your OB/GYN.
NTA. I'm pregnant too, and just READING that stresses me out!! Good night! I would suggest a few things.
Let your husband know that under NO circumstances is his father going to be in the room.
If you haven't done a hospital to yet, do one and let the head of the dept know what is going on. They will put security outside your room to prevent him from coming in.
Tell your husband that his words and actions are bad not only for the baby, for YOUR mental health and borders on mental abuse.
Let your OB know. She might be able to talk some sense into your husband. (I assume he's coming to your appointments?)
Let your husband know that such talk stops NOW. Everytime he starts to being it up, shut it DOWN. Leave the room, hang up the phone, whatever. Let him know you are DONE hearing about, discussing, or hypothetical speaking about "your inevitable demise".
NTA
No offense, but you need to walk away from this marriage. Cut your losses and go. This is so far from healthy it's ridiculous. I can't believe it hasn't raised red flags with your therapist. Don't shield your husband by saying his father is a controlling presence. Your husband is an adult. You're an adult. You have agency over who gets to be in your life and it really should not be your husband or his father. Your priority is yourself and your baby. If your family is supportive, reach out to them. Stay with them until your husband shows he is an adult who puts you and his child first and not his father.