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DEAR JANE: I'm going to lose my home unless I do the unthinkable... but how will I face my kids?
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Dear Jane,
I thought I had the perfect marriage – we have two beautiful children and just bought a new home in our dream neighborhood.
But it was all a mirage.
I recently found out that my husband has been cheating on me for some time and, when I confronted about it, he was angry at me for exposing it.
I kicked him out of the house until I could fully process it and decide how to move forward. I’m leaning towards divorce.
But now, he’s refusing to pay his part of the mortgage.
The issue is, the only reason we could afford the house was because of our combined income. Now that I don’t have his paychecks, I won’t be able to make ends meet and I only have a few months of savings to cover the mortgage.
If he doesn’t cough up the funds soon, I’ll have to sell the house.
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That would mean uprooting my entire life, not to mention that of our young kids, and relocating. To me, that would be the worst-case scenario.
So, do I let him move back home so I can keep the house and our kids’ lives stable? Or do I move forward with our separation?
Sincerely,
Feeling cheated
Feeling cheated,
I am so sorry that you’re going through this.
Divorce is brutal at the best of times and often brings out the worst in people.
Your husband made the initial transgression, now you must feel that you’re being punished for it.
But whenever we try to cling onto something too hard, life usually gets in the way.
Consider whether letting your husband move home is something that you really want.
If it is only for financial reasons, you’re better off starting again. Allowing your husband to live under the same roof will be confusing for the children and detrimental to you.
Being a single mother comes with huge responsibility, particularly if you now have to take on more, or perhaps all, of the financial burden.
Staying in the house with the added stress of the mortgage when you don’t know what - or if - your husband will contribute is not a problem that you should be worrying about now.
And, however much you want to maintain the status quo for your children, the one truism of divorce is that it is always disruptive.
Children are remarkably malleable and, even though it’s not ideal that you move, they will get through it.
What’s important is that they have consistent, loving parents.
While you can’t control how your husband acts, you can control your own behavior; as long as you are present for your children and keep any residual anger you feel towards your husband away from them, they will be just fine.
As frightening as it feels to start over, living somewhere that you can afford on your own without having to rely on your husband, will mean that life for you - and your children - will be much more peaceful.
Dear Jane,
I am the kind of person who believes in my friends’ capabilities – almost to a fault.
As a result, when my good friend was laid off this year, I helped her get a job at the same company I work at.
She was over the moon and I was equally thrilled for her to work with me – but that’s where the excitement ended.
A few weeks into her new role, she has been failing... miserably. The office gossip is that she can’t perform basic tasks and makes a lot of mistakes and it looks like they regret hiring her.
Even worse, she seems to have no clue. She is blissfully unaware and thinks she’s doing a wonderful job.
While I am slightly worried about how her performance reflects on me, I’m more concerned that she could be canned, and I can’t help but feel like it’s my fault for bringing her to my workplace in the first place.
I’m torn between wanting to give her a heads up about the ways she could improve – or at least warn her about what people are saying – and just staying out of it.
Is it better to let her figure it out, or try to help?
Sincerely,
Friend fail
Dear Friend fail,
You did a very kind thing for your friend, and sadly you’re now experiencing unintended consequences.
First, you must remember, her performance in the workplace is not a reflection of you, nor is it your responsibility.
You did the right thing by introducing her to your company, and they must have seen something in your friend that they found valuable, consequently offering her the job.
But know that, if you warn her, it’s often the messenger that gets shot.
If your friend thinks that she’s doing a wonderful job, it’s unlikely she’ll be able to hear anything to the contrary, especially from a close friend.
You’ve done a lot to help her and now you have to let the consequences be what they will be.
Remove yourself from the situation and be there for her should she need help picking up the pieces if it all, as you suspect, goes horribly wrong.