This is a newsletter bonus question. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 11-year-old son, “Andy” has upended the life of his 15-year-old cousin, “Zoey,” with a prank that went horribly off the rails. For some asinine reason, Andy thought it would be funny to hide a condom under Zoey’s pillow. My sister (Zoey’s mom) found it when she was changing out her daughter’s sheets and pillowcase to be washed. She confronted Zoey, who denied that the condom was hers. Now her mother is beside herself because she thinks her daughter is having sex. Andy overheard my husband and me discussing it and confessed to what he did. He said he took the condom from his older brother’s supply (our older son is an adult and lives on his own; Andy apparently stole it during a visit) and wanted Zoey to find it and be grossed out; he never intended to get her in trouble.
I called my sister up and had Andy admit what he did, but she doesn’t believe him! She thinks Zoey somehow convinced him to try and cover for her! Zoey has been grounded for the next six months. What can I do to convince my sister my son is telling the truth and my niece is being wrongfully punished?
—Innocence Project
Dear Innocence,
This is all bad. Not only is your sister unwilling to believe her daughter and your son, she’s penalizing her child for having sex, which sends her a terrible message about her bodily autonomy. You should talk to your sister and let her know that you not only believe Andy and Zoey, but that even if her daughter was having sex, she shouldn’t be punished for it. Let her know that you understand why she doesn’t want Zoey to be sexually active at this age, but that the best way to go about that is by simply providing her with the information she needs about the risks of teen sex and encouraging her to wait. Shaming her or making sex worthy of a punishment may compromise her daughter’s ability to have a healthy relationship to her sexuality.
Furthermore, it makes it unlikely that Zoe would feel comfortable coming to her if she’d been sexually active and something had gone wrong. Encourage your sister to talk to her daughter about safe sex instead of relying on fear to keep her daughter safe. Get your older son to reach out and confirm that one of his condoms had gone missing. If your sister refuses to relent, you may want to consider letting Zoe know that she can always come and talk to you about sex, since her mother is unwilling to be reasonable about the issue.
—Jamilah
Classic Prudie
I’m 24 and early in my career as a librarian, and (perhaps unsurprisingly) most of my coworkers are closer to my parents’ age than my own. I’ve been at one branch for about a year now, and am finding myself increasingly frustrated with one of my coworkers. She has a son who is around my age and I think she sees me as more of a child than a professional equal. When we work at the desk together, she jumps to answer patron questions that are directed at me and insists on doing tasks that I’m more than capable of doing. When I push back she says not to worry about it and that she doesn’t want me to exert myself.
