I have been doing a lot of traveling lately and came home to no internet; I replaced everything and now I am back on-line.

Paris was awesome
London was awesome
France was awesome
St. Louis was awesome

Amanda’s wedding was totally AWESOME; she looked incredible. Many females are jealous of her. (I hope she liked her new camera)

Company merger was life changing AWESOME. I’m still trying to catch my breath over Friday’s deposits. Tomorrow is back to work… ( I will be smiling for a while) I haven’t spent anything yet; (Oh, I did buy an Iron) I am not sure it’s real yet. (I want to ask tomorrow if they made a mistake before I buy anything big.)

Travel to come: August 8^th then I go to Lake Tahoe for 4 days.

two questions:

What are the other popular sites like this one?

How do you search for friends on this thing?

Things to say about holding back.... 

I know this is all very stupid and I don't know why it is bothering me. It’s like when you’re interested in a girl and she tells you her mom really thinks you’re cute. I think we like to convince ourselves that we are attractive and wanted by those we are attacked to and that we care about.

This more then anything else called into question what people around me really think of me. What I thought about how they view me is obviously not what they are thinking. Its amazing how what we think others think of us affects who we are. I thought I was passed that I have found I am not.

I just hope my tombstone doesn’t read:

Here lies Yearjoy

“He was not a threat”

I was taking a walk at work the other day with a friend. She has been separated from her husband and I have been helping her with advice and moral support where I can. While we were out walking she informed me that her husband was really starting to pay the “right” kind of attention to her and that he was really starting to open up and tell her things he never would be fore. This was a great thing for her because it means there is hope for their marriage and relationship.

One of the things that he told her was that he was really jealous because she would go out with people and do things. In the past he said this didn’t bother him, that he didn’t want to go and told her she should go without him so she did, a lot. These were not sexual just friends going out. She never cheated on him that I know of. Sense she was going to an event with me in the coming week (as friends) I asked he if he was bothered by this. She said “no” stating that “he doesn’t see you as a threat”. I said oh okay and we went on to the next topic. We finished our walk and went back in to work.

Here is where my ego started fucking with me “why am I not a threat?” I am a male; she is a female; I have a dick; she carries the one thing I love to eat more then anything else in the world around with her everyday. It is not like I would pursue her I wouldn’t; we are close friends; but if circumstances found us naked together I would not hesitate. She is very pretty, fun and would be awesome to play with. But to call me “not a threat?” how nice a guy do people think I am? I mean really… there was a time I could look at a girl and make her uncomfortable; I think about sex 24 hours a day 7 days a week; how can anyone consider me “not a threat”? This has really fucked with my head. I just don’t get it.

I don’t know what to do; I honestly believed that girls liked me; but I am finding more and more that I am completely delusional. It seems that the caring that I am afforded in public is completely superficial and that if a private moment becomes possible it is viewed more like pulling a Band-Aid off a bad sore then really having any affection for me. It really sucks; I believed I am viewed as a good person and that people cared for me; I know now it is all good as long as I keep my distance. So I will.

If you have sex with someone who is not good at it for too long you become not good at it.

I have been thinking about relationships; I don’t mean just love relationships but also friendships; working and every other kind as well. There are many different things to each kind that make them what they are but there are also base parts to them that make them all the same.

One of these base parts is trust; you have to trust the person. This one is a really big one for me. I will go to the ends of the earth for a friend and even further for someone I love as long as I trust them. My job is a perfect example I trust that they will take care of me and they trust that I will always do the best job possible no matter what it takes. By the same token I have to trust my employees to do their best every time as well and they have to trust I have their back and am there for them. When this doesn’t happen and the trust is broken lives can change sometimes for the worst. I have to trust those that I care about and when I don’t feel this trust it really messes things up for me.

Another base part is both people wanting the relationship: Sometimes this one gets lost in the shuffle and only one person ends up doing the ‘heavy lifting’ to keep a relationship alive. I am not saying that everything has to be equal; that would be impossible. But you have to feel that each person wants the other to be part of the relationship and part of their life.

There is a scene in “My best friends Wedding” (I know big chick flick) the big chase scene where the groom is chasing the bride and Julia Roberts is chasing the groom; she is on the phone asking advise and is asked “who is chasing you?” she looks back and the answer ‘no one’. If you are the only one trying to keep a relationship going then there is no relationship; the other person doesn’t want one and is not there and therefore ‘no one is chasing you’.

I am still working through the rest and have no answers to what is in my mind just thoughts. I guess I am working through the relationships I have trying to categorize them into these base parts ‘trust / don’t trust’ and ‘no one is chasing me’ as well as looking for the other parts that I need to think about. It isn’t easy and emotions really add another layer of complexity that tosses a wrench into my thought process.

There is a third base where everything comes together and is working and all is well. I have no example to give you but I know it is out there; I’ve see it on TV.

/end rant

I have been thinking about relationships; I don’t mean just love relationships but also friendships; working and every other kind as well. There are many different things to each kind that make them what they are but there are also base parts to them that make them all the same.

One of these base parts is trust; you have to trust the person. This one is a really big one for me. I will go to the ends of the earth for a friend and even further for someone I love as long as I trust them. My job is a perfect example I trust that they will take care of me and they trust that I will always do the best job possible no matter what it takes. By the same token I have to trust my employees to do their best every time as well and they have to trust I have their back and am there for them. When this doesn’t happen and the trust is broken lives can change sometimes for the worst. I have to trust those that I care about and when I don’t feel this trust it really messes things up for me.

Another base part is both people wanting the relationship: Sometimes this one gets lost in the shuffle and only one person ends up doing the ‘heavy lifting’ to keep a relationship alive. I am not saying that everything has to be equal; that would be impossible. But you have to feel that each person wants the other to be part of the relationship and part of their life.

There is a scene in “My best friends Wedding” (I know big chick flick) the big chase scene where the groom is chasing the bride and Julia Roberts is chasing the groom; she is on the phone asking advise and is asked “who is chasing you?” she looks back and the answer ‘no one’. If you are the only one trying to keep a relationship going then there is no relationship; the other person doesn’t want one and is not there and therefore ‘no one is chasing you’.

I am still working through the rest and have no answers to what is in my mind just thoughts. I guess I am working through the relationships I have trying to categorize them into these base parts ‘trust / don’t trust’ and ‘no one is chasing me’ as well as looking for the other parts that I need to think about. It isn’t easy and emotions really add another layer of complexity that tosses a wrench into my thought process.

There is a third base where everything comes together and is working and all is well. I have no example to give you but I know it is out there; I’ve see it on TV.

/end rant