There are times I feel completely unattached to the human race...

Sometimes it isn't worth it...

As I step away from the door into the darkness I look back and say good by to those that I have loved these many years. Our tears and laughters imprinted on my mind as the darkness embraces me once more. Like with the Grinch and the Whos they made my heart grown two sizes and I loved them dearly for it. I know that a piece of them goes with me; I hope I too with them. With all my being I wave them on with a smile and blessing from a place in my heart that no one will see. I know that they go to better things; new tears, new laughters, new lives. But tonight the tears came to me and my heart ached and the darkness feels as cold as stone as it envelopes me; I had forgotten for a time of the cold it brings...

Thank you Whos for being such great parts of my life....

Your result for Awakening the Hero Within: Hero Archetype Test ...

Goal: Truth

Fear: Deception

Response to Dragon/Problem: Transcend it

Task:  Attain enlightenment

Gift:  Wisdom, non-attachment

Addictions: Being right, tranquilizers

Sages have little or no need to control or change the world; they just want to understand it. The Sage’s path is the journey to find out the truth– about ourselves, our world, and the universe. However, it is not simply about finding knowledge, but about becoming wise. The challenge of the Sage is to decode the clue and solve the underlying riddle of existence. They seek to cultivate and attitude of dispassionate reflection so that they can experience real truth. The Sage merely watches the action, while looking for the underlying truth.  

Shadow Sage:

The Shadow Sage is not so much unattached as cut off from reality. S/he is so obsessed by non-attachment that s/he cannot commit to people, projects, or ideas. Sometimes a Negative Sage deludes her/himself with the idea that his provides him/her with freedom, but s/he is not free at all. The negative Sage is addicted to being perfect and truthful and right and has no tolerance of normal human feelings or vulnerabilities. Such a Sage often tends towards ascetic practices and constantly derides the self or others for any sign of not being perfect.

Shadow Sages also tend to try to make the world seem less mysterious by limiting the number of acceptable ways of perceiving reality. Such individuals are also incapable of acknowledging the way that their own subjective biases colour their supposedly rational findings. Shadow Sages typically want to control knowledge in such a way that it is not threatening by focusing on a style that correspond to their learning style. Knowledge, then, becomes a way of showing superiority to others. Their primary focus thus becomes not on the attainment of wisdom itself, but on the evaluation of others. Whatever relative truth they have discovered is identified with absolute truth, and their primary focus is in guarding this truth from assaults by the barbarians.

It amazes me how much it hurts me when I see the look of fear in a girls eyes when she thinks I am going to kiss her it is unbearable.  As much as friends try to tell me that I am a good person or that someone would be lucky to have me bla bla bla.... The truth is I scare most people and there really is nothing I can do about it. I just can't take to look in their eyes any more... I think I'm done....

I'm tired, broken and no one is ever here...

I am very lonely lately... it really sucks...

The wall is a little higher...

So I went out to dinner with this girl. I was not expecting anything; just dinner. :) I am attracted to her but I was on my best behavior. The dinner was payback for my letting her borrow an electric keyboard; I let her keep it and she wanted to buy me dinner. It seemed to go well but in hindsight a couple of her comments have left me believing that I came off egotistical and pompous.
I have never seen that in myself, I mean I am proud of my work and what I have been able to accomplish however I know very well that I have not done these things alone. I have always believed that I have put those that have helped me before me in the credit and my own interests. Now I am having doubts; have I really become the kind of person I have some much trouble dealing with? FUCK!   

Maybe I am an ass and I have been fooling myself into thinking I am a good guy. I really need to look at myself and see if this is true.

I lost my soul among the shattered glass of a memory that probably never happened; I am out of place, out of time, and out of my mind. I stand within the tunnel I have dug for myself, I see the light at its end and hear the train coming on... Soon there will be silence but the rhythmical thunder of the steel wheels slicing away something in me that should never have been or really never was.