TooManyTongues
u/TooManyTongues
100%. I’ve already reached my rock bottom many years ago and got very close to not surviving it. I tried the whole death-wish version of the Ana experience and the repercussions were tragic and not something I want to repeat. Now my relapses are scientifically and obsessively calculated to keep me where I am comfortable without destroying me. Just because I eat everyday doesn’t mean I’m not mentally and physically exhausted and struggling with this disorder that I’ve had since I was 11… sharing my struggles with people who don’t get it can be so triggering because of the invalidation. That’s why I participate in this subreddit. Thank god for it
Dude I hate this too. I eat like 5 times a day… really tasty, creative meals and snacks but weighed out by the gram and strategically calorie modified and mixed with over-exercising to compensate. My life is rigid, strict and ruled by my obsession with being in a calorie deficit but I eat. I’m disordered but also very concerned with trying to not die lol So when someone close to me tries to help me by asking me if I’ve eaten today or what I’ve eaten or they say “please eat for me” with puppy dog eyes, I feel like a fraud! lol
My prescription got worse by a tad after a year or two but the typography of my corneas stabilized meaning the KC didn’t get worse. My KC has been stable for 5 years now. Also my prescription changes a tad from a bit worse to a bit better every 8 months or so but it has hovered around the same-ish the whole time. I wear scleras when I want to feel attractive but glasses on most days because the cross linking arrested my KC enough to allow me to stay in glasses all this time
Once a day with my morning coffee but when I was at my worst I was going 5-8 times a day with pain and then nothing at all for like 3 days. It was hell. I’m much better now with my digestion because even though I still restrict, I do so with a lot of harm reduction methods and without extremes. It took years but I finally have a somewhat normal gut biome now.
I can relate with this so much - same sizes and everything. I’ve had to explain to my bf that being a size 6 is a sensory nightmare for me and not just an aesthetic preference and that everyday I live in my body at this size is triggering to my anxiety, depression, OCD and even suicidal ideation… I know size 6 doesn’t look fat - but the sensory aspects of it are so hard. It causes me to self harm by way of overeating and not exercising so it’s a self fulfilling prophecy.
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You have to eat something. Eat your maintenance amount of calories on days you need your strength. I know it’s hard to pacify a disordered mind but eating your maintenance amount (not in a deficit) will only keep you at your current weight for a few days. That’s all it’ll do. There won’t be any consequences. You will feel smarter, quicker, and happier on the days that you do it. Give yourself a break and make the midterm easier on yourself.
I made a Thai cabbage salad bowl last night while trying to “volume eat”. It was huge and fit in this giant popcorn bowl. My bf was like, “damn that’s so much food!” And I was like… “Yeah but it’s precisely 380 calories and I’ve planned all day for this.” - we are restricting, we just know the loopholes.
lol I did do this but not to the extent that @lilhope03 did. I didn’t like train my bladder for weeks or have a caregiver or anything. actually for both surgeries I experienced very little pain and didn’t really use a lot of painkillers either. But the advice my doc gave me was to close my eyes as often as possible for 72 hours post op… so I would sleep as much as I could while taking 3-4 hour breaks in between sleep shifts to eat, walk around and wash up. I was able to do this while taking the exact amount of sleeping pills my doc prescribed, no more, no less. In no way is sleeping a lot for 48 hours a dangerous thing to do.
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So, for 4 years post cross linking surgery I’ve had this frustrating problem where no matter how many doctors I see, or how many times I pay to get a refitting of my scleral contact lenses, I cannot get my worse//left eye to see clearly in contacts. This has always been a big mystery for me and my doctors because apparently my typography tests say that my keratoconus isn’t even that advanced and that it hasn’t progressed at all since the CXL. My vision is correctable to 20/25 in my left eye and 20/20 in my right. So yes, I can technically read text on the testing board but in my left eye the haziness, haloing and smearing of light has gotten so much worse even in my scleral lenses and if I were reliant on my left eye alone, I wouldn’t be able to drive at night or even do my job anymore at all. This is scary because it’s my livelihood. The doc said that this shouldn’t be the case and that the sclerals should clear up all those light distortions and that theres nothing he could do.
Fast forward to now, my New Year’s resolution was to finally get to the bottom of this and reinitiate a new fitting process with another doc. After explaining my issue to her she said, “Oh! I’m glad you mentioned this cause we just got this new machine in that tests the typography of the back of the cornea where KC can also affect and CXL surgery does not arrest AND scleral lenses won’t be able to help. You’re probably dealing with aberrations on the back of your cornea which is actually not a rare occurrence.” This is the first time I’ve ever heard of this. So it turns out that I, in fact have quite severe High Order Aberrations or HOA on the back of my left cornea. The good news is that there’s new technology that can correct/compensate for HOA and that is “impression based contact lenses with HOA compensation”. These are lenses that are made by making a mold of your eye (terrifying lol) and then making an extremely accurate scleral contact that has compensating technology that can counter act the back of the eye aberrations. This technology is fairly new and not cheap. I’m wondering if anyone here has heard of this, has HOA, has gotten impression based sclerals or has any personal experience on this matter. Would love to hear your thoughts. Thank you!
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I’m about 2 months into a relapse and have reached my supposed weight loss goal already. The goal weight that I set for myself two months back was based on my size during a time where I remember actually being somewhat comfortable in my body during my last relapses. Now that I am here, I feel completely unsatisfied with the results. This is exactly what I told myself I’d feel so happy and fulfilled to achieve but I don’t feel it. I feel nothing. I feel drained, depressed, and like no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I sacrifice, my body shape and genetics only allows me to look normal. I want so badly to look skinny and frail but i know from 2 decades of relapses, that this isn’t possible for me. I resent my shape and frame. I have never been so triggered in my life. I’m remembering now that even at my absolutely sickest, (like it took me 2 full years to recover physically from the damage I had caused my body) nobody even knew I was sick because my frame/ribcage and hip ratio, face shape and height make me appear normal/fit when I’m starving myself for months at a time and when I’m weight restored I just look short and curvy. These are my modes. I know there’s nothing wrong with this but I’m so frustrated because it seems impossible to be such a low BF% and still look normal. Like I’m the only one in the universe that could try this hard to look this regular. Like I have to work 10x harder than everyone I know just to maintain a slim figure.
It seems all I’m truly after at the end of the day, is for someone to notice and to acknowledge the pain I am in. Subconsciously I think this might be the subtext. Yes, I want to be thin and feel good about myself but now I am the exact size I wanted to be but I am unable to stop now because I just want to shrink till someone sees and tries to help. Which even at my most dangerous phase, never ever happened. I’m too old for this. I don’t normally like being pitied or taken care of… but when it comes to this scenario, deep down inside I seem to want to be stopped by someone who cares instead of encouraged.
Is this a poem of sorts? What’s happening here!? lol. So much denial and self congratulatory bull in such a short blurb. This post is invalidating to yourself as well as invalidating to the hundreds of other people on this sub who are also struggling. I hope you find some help. You seem young so the whole bragging about not feeling fatigued and feeling “pretty normal” will be short lived if you carry on and age. Be safe.
No. No. No. Hell no. This is the most triggering thing someone like us ever goes through. Unfortunately it’s such a classic response though. People are so misinformed about eating disorders and the health implications that come with them. They have no idea how harmful and dangerous having a dismissive response like this could have. I’m 5’1 and quite bulky (build muscle easily) so Even at my lowest weight and my most miserable people refused to believe I was unwell (despite my health clearly reflecting that) because I looked “good” and “not emaciated”. People as so brainwashed by diet culture to the point of seeing current photos of Ariana grande and being like “she looks so happy and healthy! Ya’ll are insane to think she’s underweight, she’s always been petite!”. Like people are that in denial. Please don’t let this person trigger you too bad. You did the right thing reaching out to a friend. I’m sorry it went so badly.
lol That’s why when people are like, stop weighing yourself, or stop counting calories or cover your mirrors and all that crap, they don’t understand that I need those things in my life so my body dysmorphia doesn’t convince me that I literally gained double my body weight. If I don’t tether myself to reality through measurements my brain will create a brand new reality.
Rice bowls. Rice bowls are saving my life. I bought a rice cooker and cook single serving rice portions every night for dinner and then just riff between different variations of a rice bowl. It’s simple cause the base is always the same but how ever you style the rice bowl can vary so much. Poke bowls with veggies and mango, smoked salmon bowls with cucumber and capers, roasted veggies with baked chicken, chicken sausage with beans and broccoli and sauerkraut, southwest veggie chili bowl with chicken, corn and black beans, burrito bowl with avo, beans, pico de gallo, sour cream and lime. You can even make a sweet rice bowl with coconut milk and yogurt, simmered berries and your choice of sweetener.
You can make these low cal or you can bulk them up for a recovery journey. It’s up to you.‘but I love my rice bowls because I can be as creative as I’m in the mood for or as basic as I want. Either way, I always know roughly the kind of meal I’m gonna have and I know roughly how many cals which takes the fear and decision paralysis out of it.
I don’t think you’re causing these symptoms by eating more. These symptoms you’re describing are what I’ve experienced after long term restriction. Months and months into my recovery I’d still get these spells of sickness, dizziness, panic with chest tightness and palpitations. Even though it was scary, I was told that i had to just keep on trying to keep myself nourished everyday and over time, those types of sickness spells would happen less and less. And they did. The first time I recovered it took a little over a year for those days to completely stop happening - but they eventually did and it was totally worth pushing through the scary parts to get there.
I’m a women with autoimmune issues and when I get a cold I’m in and out of the experience within a day or two while usually continuing to work during the worst of it and when my BF gets my cold, he’s knocked on his ass and takes a few days off to recover. I always wondered if I was a super hero and he was being a baby or if I legitimately have a stronger defense system against virus’s. Because this has been true for all my partners so far and my brother growing up, I suspected being a women had something to do with my quick and somewhat easier recovery time.
I’m 5’1 and have had Ana off and on since 11 years old. I tried to eat an anti-inflammatory diet for 2 months for autoimmune health reasons last year which was literally just me adding more whole foods, healthy fats like olive oil and avocado and not being afraid to eat 3 times a day and BAM, I went up 2.5 inches around my waist. I got pushed back into a relapse essentially for eating like a normal and healthy balanced person. When I think about it, it enrages me. People don’t get it, to be thin (like normal thin) I have to eat 1,100 Cals a day maximum and to lose I got to get like 700-800. It isn’t something I’ve made up. It’s facts.
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I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years and have relapsed 4 times during our relationship with 4 months being the longest relapse. I told him about the first one but he expressed some cruel judgements about me and then made the conversation about himself by faulting me for having lied to him about it in the beginning. He made that betrayal of being lied to the center of the conversation. I have since decided to never ever ever let him in about a relapse again. I’m extremely good at hiding it now, even more than I was before.
I’m 30 and currently in a relapse as well but I can’t relate to not caring about food at all. I care a lot about it, like so much lol My motivations are the same as they’ve always been. To be thinner. The hate I have for my body and face when I’m at my set weight triggers my body dysmorphia and OCD and it completely takes over my life till I have to relapse to find any level of relief from it. That’s why recovery never sticks. The main difference for me between me now and me when I was much younger is that I am muuuuch more calculated about restricting. I am better at harm reduction, I’m better at lying about it, I am purposefully less extreme so my relapses can last much longer and thus be more effective without big, dramatic physical repercussions. I don’t weight myself, I measure with measuring tape - I don’t trust apps and nutrition labels, I use a food scale instead - I save my cheat days for when I’m in front of other people so I don’t binge. All that has really changed is that I’ve become very good at this to the point where I don’t even feel valid as someone who struggles with an ED.
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Kidney infection where the symptoms went from 0-100 in like 2 hrs. 1 min I was fine (feeling awful from 3 weeks of extreme restriction but fine) then boom I couldn’t walk because I had pain down my back and legs while vomiting bile. I wasn’t underweight or even outed at the hospital but I knew that it was my fault. I stayed the night and they pumped me with fluids and antibiotics.
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I’m sorry to hear you’re hurting and scared. I don’t know much about medicine but I think you should go to urgent care if you can. You don’t have to say you were purging if you don’t want to share that info, but just let them know you’ve been vomiting and now your heart is hurting and your vision is obscured. Please be safe and ask for help. You deserve care.
Truth is, I’m fatphobic. I believe that I will lose respect, dignity, love, friendship, opportunity and safety if im perceived as overweight. I’m afraid that if i gain weight, even just a little bit, people will see me as unclean, lazy and will pity me. I learned this from early 2000’s tabloids and celebrity culture when I was too young to understand. I also grew up in the entertainment industry so these subconscious motivators are what keep me in my disorder and is why I’m afraid of being seen as fat.
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He cares but the ways that he’s expressed caring has been a bit scarring for me. I have since not felt safe sharing with him when I’ve relapsed or if I’m struggling.
Weve been together for 5 years and the Last time I shared with him that I was 2 months into a relapse and was really struggling with it, he told me that he was upset that through omission I had been lying to him. That me telling him, “I’m fine.” And not mentioning that I wasn’t ok everyday was me being a liar. I told him that anorexia is kind of like being an addict. It’s not personal to him that I kept my relapse a secret. He then expressed that he doesn’t trust me anymore and that he was going to have a hard time forgiving me.
Up to this point, I hadn’t betrayed him in anyway and so I felt so guilty for tainting our relationship. Since then, when I’m in a relapse (now) I make whole meals and fake eating them by sneaking food into napkins in my purse at the dinner table or lying about having already eaten, etc.
I can relate to this a lot actually. I’m 30 and I feel very motivated and productive when I’m in a relapse. When something bad happens or something makes me feel insecure I eat more and even binge at times and it feels like I’m punishing myself or something. Eating feels like I’m harming myself, restriction feels like an act of self love. I know it’s backwards.
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