If you recommend me a guy and I end up marrying him, I’ll pay you $100k.

I’m a very weird person. It hasn’t been hard to find people to date, or men willing to marry me, but ‘people I want to marry’ is a vanishingly small group.

I’d like a man who’s fully committed to polyamory (~3% of the population) with space for a primary partner, and with ominous sexuality (~10% of men), who’s in a similar enough wealth tier to me that I don’t have to financially support him, who wants kids, and who’s fully self accepting.

(Other things would be nice like similar intelligence levels, similar political values, similar ages, similar BMIs, but I’m already pushing my luck)

I notice that I feel excitement about dates mostly when the guy is high status in some field, so while I in theory am open to guys who aren’t high status, in practice I seem to not actually go on dates with them. I want to need to try to impress someone. It doesn’t feel sexy to go on a date where he automatically views me as a catch.

I’m aware the man I want falls into a pretty tiny slice of the population. I might be able to be happy with someone outside my range, but if so I am not wise enough to know which of my desires are ones I can compromise on. It sounds cool to be compatible with a wider range of people, but I am not that cool.

So, if you know anybody who might be what I’m looking for, send them my way!

(I assume you already know enough relevant facts about me, but for additional logistics I’m 33 and live in the Bay Area)

Here’s how it works:

The person you recommend has to be someone I haven’t already had meaningful interaction with, or at least not enough that I have already considered them as a partner. You have to recommend them explicitly for the purpose of the bounty; casual recommendations made otherwise don’t count. You also must be the first person to make the recommendation.

If things hit this partway (like maybe it's a grey area on how much meaningful interaction I’d had with them before, or if I'd already had the intention of asking them out, or if you technically recommended someone first but a second person did a huge amount of legwork in actually pairing us), then I'll give a portion of the bounty that feels equivalent to degree you increased my odds. I can confirm the fraction it feels equivalent to me after you make the recommendation but before I meet the person or we go on our first date or whatever.

If for some reason I end up already married to someone else, this bounty cancels and will no longer be available by default (tho I might re-up it if I want more husbands)

Here is my date-me survey. Inside is a question asking ‘who referred you’. You can send someone this link and ask them to include your name in the referral box.

Surveys are efficient to figure out compatibility real fast. My last 4-year long relationship came from a date-me survey, and caused me to date a guy I had never considered dating before.

If you lie on the survey, it might slightly increase my odds of dating you, but as soon as I find out you lied I will break up with you and tell everyone that you lied.

You can also fill out the recommendation form, where you tell me directly about someone you think is good. You can do this in addition to getting your eligible bachelor to fill out the survey; your recommendation might cause me to look closer at his answers. You can also just do this even if he doesn’t fill out the survey at all.

If this is motivating to you, I’ve written more on what I’m attracted to at the end of this post. Who knows how useful this is, people’s lists of preferences for mates is notoriously mostly signaling, so take it with a grain of salt.

100k is not trivial for me, net-worth wise. But if I imagine I’m already happily married in the future, and you asked ‘would you have paid 100k to meet your husband?” I imagine I’d say yes without hesitation.

Or, you can find someone to pay me 10m (post tax) to impregnate me and have me raise his child, sole custody, single mother.

It wouldn’t be full single mother, I’d use a lot of the money to pay for assistance, and also to more intentionally build a community of other parents interested in more group-family type dynamics.

I am currently freezing many dozens of eggs (67 at the time of this post), through which we can do polygenic screening for the most robust offspring.

If you know someone who might be interested (and who I haven’t already talked with about this), ask them to email my assistant at sasha.c.whitt@gmail.com. You must have alerted the benefactor when they would not have otherwise seen my offer (as in, it does not count to text ‘read her post’ to them if they already regularly read my substack).

If the deal goes through, I’ll pay you $300k.

I think more people should offer bounties like this. I’ve offered mine after I signed up with a matchmaking service where I agreed I’d pay them 100k if they got me married, but then realized there was no reason I couldn’t offer the same deal to everyone. Why not crowdsource your romance?

I think a lot of people are afraid of doing this because they don’t want to be perceived as low status. Doing too much clear optimization indicates you’re the kind of person who has to put in effort to get laid, or that you’re autistic or something.

But I dunno, my partner who filled out my survey four years ago is competent and successful, and he saw my survey and went something like ‘that’s an efficient way to find a partner, and if I’m interested in dating someone it makes sense to participate in stuff like this.” My survey successfully filtered away people who were turned off by fear of being uncool.

If you think doing a bounty, or a survey, or a date-me doc is a cool way to find a partner, then the kind of people who are drawn to you probably also share the value of trying earnestly.

You should go for what you want! There are other people out there who want someone like you, and are waiting for you to stop hiding. You should do it for them <3

My ‘Aella’s wish list of rare traits she finds hot in men’ is below. I’m paywalling it cause 1. if you’re motivated enough by the bounty that my wishlist is useful to you, then a blog subscription should be a trivial cost, and 2. I’m trying to get in the habit of reducing easy public access to my more personal stuff, and this seems like a fine place to try it out.