Carolyn Hax: They were ethical vegans till husband flipped for meat

One final issue: He is not working, so it’s “my” money going to purchase a “product” I find truly abhorrent. How can someone I love not see the cruelty that was once so obvious to both of us — and still is to me? Do principles trump love?

— Anonymous

Anonymous: I can’t tell you what he’s thinking, nor can I decide for you where you need to stand.

I can point out, though, that for all your reverence for animals, you’re not showing much respect for the mammal you married. With my emphasis added, I’m going to give your words back to you: “How can *someone I love* not see the cruelty.” Your love determines how someone else thinks?

I appreciate your passion and sympathize with your predicament — dramatic change in a spouse is difficult, no matter what form it takes — but you need to take a couple of rhetorical steps back to your side of the personal responsibility line. He is entitled to his own principles, which includes the right to revisit, revise or reject them.

You say you’ve had “countless heartfelt discussions” — but when you agree, it’s easy to trust and respect the other heart. Your job now is to see whether you’re willing to do the hard work and look for ways you can trust and respect someone whose views differ, and whether he’s willing to do the same.

Before you go in, I suggest you think carefully about “mine” vs. “ours” when it comes to money, because you could have a whole other, even more painful argument on your hands if you misspeak on that topic.

Also consider whether there’s any room for compromise in your views — say, for kosher meat or non-factory-farmed products. Pose the issue as the following question, to yourself first, then to your husband: “Is ‘ethical omnivore’ an oxymoron?” After all, our bodies are equipped to eat meat.