(long post warning)
One week from today, I’ll be taking the exam I’ve been studying for these past two months. More than that, really. My past three years as a student all come down to this. The exam is two full days, several hours each day. If I fail, I lose my job and have to take it again next year. And the crazy part? I won’t even know if I passed until later in the year. Honestly, the suspense might be the end of me if the stress hasn’t already done it.
I’ve gained weight, barely seen the sun, and I haven’t really spoken to anyone in months. Most nights turn into mornings. I study until I can barely keep my eyes open, and even when I finally sleep, my mind doesn’t stop racing. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with random panic attacks, heart pounding, convinced I’ve already failed. And no matter how much I study, it never feels like enough. My confidence has always been low, but right now it feels like it doesn’t even exist. I keep second-guessing everything, wondering if I’m just not smart enough for this.
I think part of it goes back to five years ago, when I had to retake an entrance exam five times. Ever since then, I’ve had this irrational fear of exams. It makes me feel vulnerable and stupid, like no matter how hard I work, the test is just waiting to prove I don’t belong here.
I’m sharing this because, well, I started vtubing when I didn’t really have friends. I like being able to open up to you and just talk about what’s on my mind. And honestly, this... this stress and fear, has been all I’ve thought about for weeks now. But it all comes down to this.
I’ll do my best. I want to make you proud. And I want to make me proud too. I have to believe all of this will be worth it. I have to believe I can do this!
Thanks for listening to me ramble. Just talking about it here helps.