>>33327511Yes, I never physically did anything with another woman, but i did it in my heart, and thats all that matters. so it's all deserved, its my own fault. Whatever happens isn't anyone's fault but my own. We weren't perfect, but we were perfect for each other. High-school sweet hearts that managed to survive this big gay world together, and I threw it all away because I wanted more physicality, something I felt ashamed to ask for, I didn't think it was right to try and push her or coerce her into fulfilling whatever degenerate kink I had, so I tried to bury it all and hide part of myself, to ashamed to show the person I love and respect more than anyone else, a gross more base part of myself. Afraid she wouldn't love me or understand. I was wrong and should have been honest, she stood by me through the hardest parts of my life, why I felt like I couldn't show her who I am/was, or at least a part of me I didn't like, I don't know. You ever just want someone to love you and not know the fucked up shit about you, you could separate them from the bad part of you, shield them from it and they could just love the good part. I don't know.
I had a crazy porn addiction, she knew about it, but not how bad, it spiraled into me trying to get something that isn't real, that only exists in fantasy. I've been struggling with what it means to be a man, husband, father etc, and watching porn gave me a feeling of control, I'm not blaming anyone but myself, but I felt/feel like I had no control over anything. How the kids get raised, I'd say this, she'd do that, be it diet, school, screen time, etc. I'd say go through the laundry or the kids toys so there isn't as much to do, free up time etc. She'd buy more and tell me I wasn't doing my job if I threw old stuff away. But really that's just my fault for not being a man worthy of respect, a woman listens to a man she respects. If I had my shit together, had my own car. A better job, better teeth, my own place etc.....
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