As I was switching from pills to injections, the pain in my breasts suddenly became much milder.. Which was a bit distressing. I think I screwed up my estradiol concentration estimates when switching over. But now that the pain has returned, I feel at ease! Everything should be peachy now.
Happy pride month, folks!
Of all the stranger changes brought on by hrt, feeling "stronger" emotions is one I have the least capacity to deal with, jfc I am so HOPELESSLY IN LOVE WITH MY FRIEND IT HURTS AUGH
Like today, he's in a bad mood and doesn't really feel in the mood to talk, not my fault, everyone has bad days and he works in a stressful job-field so I try and relieve his stress and we chat and stuff-anyways
I am just shaking and flustered and I just wish I knew the right things to say to lift his mood but I'm also not trying to make him uncomfortable but I would LITERALLY DIE FOR HIM, TEAR MY BEATING HEART FROM MY CHEST IF IT WOULD MAKE HIM SMILE.
Otherwise feeling great though, been losing a lot of weight and also realized my tits so that sucks I'll probably try to do that weight cycling thing and see if it's a meme or not.
like it's so easy to cry, I was thinking about the helldivers seaf soldiers and how excited they get to see me and I started crying.
Having to be off HRT for a while because of medical reasons has made me feel pretty bad. Really feels like I should put more effort into presenting femme but it seems so difficult to find stuff that I like and will actually fit comfortably. Urgggggg
Happy pride everyone!
This marks the 2nd pride month since accepting myself as trans!
For this Pride i'm going to change my email so i'm not getting constantly deadnamed by Google, or indeed giving so much info to Google in the first place. Taken me way too long to get around to doing this.
EDIT: Changed email in the population registry, and out of curiosity looked at previous info; noticed that "gender: male" is marked as having an ending date (päättymispäivä). Kinda sounds funny to me in Finnish, cos that's the same word you'd use for the date that e.g. contracts end on and such. Male gender contract ended :v
I hate that my Birthday is at the end of June. I hate that my birth month is propped up as a corporate empty handed gesture of Allyship.
I haven't celebrated my birthday since before I was 15. I haven't had a Birthday cake since I was 21. I turn 30 this month.
The day after my birthday, on the 1st of July, and all the rainbows get pulled down, and packed away until next year.
UK Pride is actually happening surprisingly close to where I live, so I'm probably going travel to Portsmouth for one pride, and then go to the pride that's actually held in my area later in the month.
Double pride!.
I'm a little nervous tbh. I shouldn't be, I should feel safer at pride than anywhere else, I'll be surrounded by other queer people, so that's safety in numbers, right? Only, with everything going on? the media moral panic?, the attacks on trans people in the UK? I really hope us all gathering in one place doesn't invite anything nasty.
Bourbonrogers posted:
My bio birthday is the 1st of January so I can't ever enjoy new years basically lol
I basically decided to just celebrate my bday on when I accepted my transnessI hate that my Birthday is at the end of June. I hate that my birth month is propped up as a corporate empty handed gesture of Allyship.
I haven't celebrated my birthday since before I was 15. I haven't had a Birthday cake since I was 21. I turn 30 this month.
The day after my birthday, on the 1st of July, and all the rainbows get pulled down, and packed away until next year.
My birthday and the day I started HRT are in the same month. I celebrate them both, but April 3rd, my HRT anniversary, is more meaningful to me. And actually, this year, I didn't even really celebrate my birthday.
This is my first pride month as a publicly out trans woman and I intend to enjoy it.
I don't actually remember my exact HRT anniversary.
Everything has been such a whirlwind since I came out that I've never marked it, I've always been too busy dealing with some crisis or another.
I know that I literally received my first prescription the morning after a suicide attempt so that's pretty brutal. I would have missed it by a single day.
I know it's coming up soon tho, I'll probably be reminded by some kind of social media "remember what you did x years ago!" pop up.
Maybe things will be different this year. Maybe I'll be able to celebrate it.
I remember being so happy about the day I started HRT that I basically wrote the date I started on any little thing I could get my hands on. The 19th of March will always hold a special place in my heart
I hope it doesn't come across as weird if i am posting these here but I really feel so much more at ease and feminine when I am dressed up like this so I still feel like it's relevant.
I got 23rd of june as my egg cracking day, and 5th of july as my HRTversary/ReBirthday
DybbukRings posted:
"egg cracking" is kind of a weird one for me, because I didn't really have that typical sudden moment of realisation before diving into transition. I kinda knew what I wanted forever, and slowly learned it was possible bit by bit.
I do instead have a marked breaking point where I realised I couldn't bare living as a man anymore, that I was sick of lying to myself. I have a date when I kinda crossed a point of no return where I realised this was something I was always going to end up doing, the longer I waited the worse I'd look, and the longer I'd be unhappy.
I made up my mind on January 1st, so that's the closest thing I have to the typical egg crack.
Holy shit tho remembering that new years eve has.... definitely shown me how far I've come!, .
From that night, 1/1/23
I got 23rd of june as my egg cracking day, and 5th of july as my HRTversary/ReBirthday
Earlier in transition I had angry thoughts that I never got to experience being a teenage girl. Turns out I'm getting that big time! I'm a moody mess lots of the time, I get this second puberty. To top it all off I'm having a huge crush on my friend and all those fun emotions! I've only ever had one crush in my life somewhere around highschool.
I'm thankful I get to experience it again as me it's really something else.
I think the first time I really realized it was like, 2nd grade, I wore my sisters clothes and I had never EVER felt so me or natural in my life. I ended up wearing her clothes under my clothes a lot until a classmate caught me in the bathroom once and I lied and said I was doing it to stay warm, which worked somehow, but I never did it again after that. And then sometime around 15-16 I kept having recurring dreams where I was a girl. (one of them being the one where I was floating in the ocean, sometimes I had a doting husband, sometimes it was a car crash for some reason I was still a girl tho)
To the point where I was forcing myself to stay awake because I was repressing it so hard, like I was SO far into denial I was going delusional from lack of sleep and my mom took me to the ER and was trying to figure out what was wrong with me cause she thought I was poisoned or something. At some point I stopped having the dreams and thought I "got over it" but it really "haunted" me until I accepted myself somewhere around my 20's, but even then I didn't do anything about it because I thought "ah you'll just disappoint everyone and be an ugly girl" but I realized I could just do it for me and be stealth and all, since I never interact with anyone ANYWAYS and am a super recluse by nature it has all worked just fine. In fact, I have improved my mental health so much that my physical health has followed, my eating habits have improved a lot, self grooming etc. I feel better. ymmv and all, but I have very few regrets, biggest one is that I didn't transition sooner.
Edited:
my sister says she thinks she always knew, wish she told me lol
Ah but this tweet is probably the final "crack in my egg" for getting HRT
Not necessarily for accepting being transgender, but for at least going forward with gaht.
I keep wussing out on coming out to anyone IRL. I know my family + friends would be fine with it, but I almost... don't want the attention, even if it's positive?
I generally dislike being observed in most scenarios lol
I've never really, like, took the time before to try out different fits and stuff until recently. Now that I have stuff that I WANT to wear... Is this how most women feel?
The other night I was part of a live TTRPG podcast recording at one of the local theatre spaces I frequent, playing Everyone is John, a game where players take on voices inside John's head trying to influence him to complete secret tasks to win points.
My secret goals were:
"Wear something pink, because that shows how manly you are"
"Wear a spinny dress, because it would be funny and no other reason"
"Get John to realise she's actually Jane"
On the final round, it came down to having to roll a 6 on the die to fully accept the transition... AND I FUCKING GOT IT
On top of that, the audience challenge was "Kill someone" and I got those points on the basis that I had killed John to become Jane
(I ultimately lost on points, but I was the uncontested people's champion)
Schmaaa posted:
there's no shame in waiting until you're ready - just be mindful that your body will out you at some point. I know so very well how it feels because I've been having to come out to a bunch of people but luckily they've been okay with it (i mean I was out to them before so....)
but for real I share the sentiment of not being observed. I think at least for me that comes from a lifetime of being minimized and some benign neglect from my parents but realistically who knows, maybe im just a quiet person? Doesn't sound right saying that for myself tho as I get almost instantly depressed when I'm by myself and can be a little dramatic sometimes. But I otherwise absolutely need to be socializing almost constantly it feels like.
It does make me uncomfortable though when I am perceived - the other day I had a guy around my age subtly point to me and quietly talk to his friends as I was walking by. No idea what they were saying but it wasn't laughing or anything like that so who tf knows. I also noticed a dude a week or so ago who kept on trying to stare while I was sitting in the waiting room for bloodwork. Every time my eyes flicked upwards he'd look away. I try not to draw attention to myself but I dunno - I think they might've clocked me but my interactions with random people afterwards didn't seem to suggest that.
Either way, stay safe out there.
Edited:
I keep wussing out on coming out to anyone IRL. I know my family + friends would be fine with it, but I almost... don't want the attention, even if it's positive?
I generally dislike being observed in most scenarios lol
Gallade95 posted:
oh my god I wish I kept up with drama classes in high school those were the best. I feel like I would've gotten into theatre if I hadn't collapsed my life at the end of all that.The other night I was part of a live TTRPG podcast recording at one of the local theatre spaces I frequent, playing Everyone is John, a game where players take on voices inside John's head trying to influence him to complete secret tasks to win points.
My secret goals were:
"Wear something pink, because that shows how manly you are"
"Wear a spinny dress, because it would be funny and no other reason"
"Get John to realise she's actually Jane"
On the final round, it came down to having to roll a 6 on the die to fully accept the transition... AND I FUCKING GOT IT
On top of that, the audience challenge was "Kill someone" and I got those points on the basis that I had killed John to become Jane
(I ultimately lost on points, but I was the uncontested people's champion)