It's so fucking over, my life is...

(sorry if you do not understand some stuff)

tw: mentions of self-harm, nsfw and pedophilia

I'm gonna start this off by saying that at the time you read this i won't be able to check messages on discord but please don't hold back on the hate, i deserve it, i've done something horrible and it's about time i get payback for all the things i have done, and now, i will get into the stuff, yes, i did date a person who was 14 while i myself am 17 (turning 18 in january), and i regret it deeply, i can't believe i let this happen, i was a fool to think that was alright and i do deserve all the hate and mocking that will come once i make this public, i really thought that she loved me, and tho i wasn't aware 14 and 17 was wrong, that does not excuse my actions in any way, in fact, it makes me look like an even worse person, i will find a way to release screenshots alongside this to prove that this is not some sort of prank or anything, i should hopefully have a server with all the proof out by the time i make this public, the only reason this will be made is due to the fact that i found out she has been cheating on me with someone who is 18, thing which should in mo way make what i did better,/ i just wanted to make it clear as this is the last time you will hopefully hear from me, i just wish i could go back to the first week of our relationship, i miss how cute and innocent it was, and it saddens me to know what it turned into, i wish i could go back to when she was just my bestie and we'd talk about omori and game dev stuff, i wish i could have just one more day of that, waking up knowing she was there for me really made me feel like life was wortj living, but i'm blabbering too much, i guess i just want to pour my heart out before i get to the worse parts, i'm such a horrible failure of a person, now to address some stuff i feel the need to talk about so nobody will think i'm avoiding responsibility in any way, when i made the thread asking if it's ok for a 17 to date a 14 yo i was already dating her fir 2 months, up until then things were just cute talk, flirting, pretending we kissed each other through the phone, memes, omori and telling each other how much we loved each other, so i thought it was ok, ltough i purposefully left out the fact that i was dating her and overrall worded the post in a very careful way as to not arise any suspicion, i'm sorry for lying so much, i guess i've been lying to you all for months, i know that i'm not going to look the same in anyone's eyes anymore but please trust me when i say that everything i type here is true, i just want to get this off my chest, it's not like i have anything to lose anymore, i guess i got what i deserved, i was a horrible person, a liar and i hurt the people i cared about.

another thing i wanted to address was the infamous screenshot of me sending a "dickpic" to someone, it's with my deepest regrets that i say that it was real, not the one posred by pdel, but i did indeed send multiple pictures to that person, and while the person asked for them, that does not excuse my actions, i take full responsinility for the actions and i wish i never did that, i have been regretting this for months, everything i keep saying how sorry i am while crying in my pillow, i had a chance to make this info true a while back but decided not to as by that moment we were still together, but we no longer are so i guess i might as well make all of this public, furthermore i would like to add onto this by mentioning that she had made an entire server where we would share nsfw imsges (mostly hentai) and nudes (not full body images but more of so pictures of certain things), that server has over 3k messages and is filled with horny messages, tho i deleted some of mine when i nearly had my phone taken away, that includes a picture of my thighs and a picture of my dick, i do not have these anymore however i am confirming that i did indeed send them willingly while aware of the person i was talking to, i also sent a picture of my cum on my stomach which she requested after we masturbated together while sending hentai of what we thought we looked like (i being the one who sent more), aswell as another imsge of my penis, both of these images have since been deleted but i still have them, tho i will not post them since i am a minor and posting them would mean dustributing illegal material, how ironic, and now to the worst part of this entire thing, i had also received a video from her, and whilist i did not ask for it, does not make it okay, in the video she masturbated and then came onto her pillow, she sent me this but she deleted it immediately after, tho i still watched it, i did however not save it even tho i had a chance to, as i felt it would be wrong of me to save her stuff since she was younger than me, i guess i have some morality left in me, tho i don't want to get ahead of myself and start feeling like i should not post this, anyways, after that she sent me two more pictures, both of them were however clothed and of her thighs, again i did not save those for the reason stated above, these also happened before i sent my pictures, and tho i felt kinda forced to send something back, i did it mostly because she asked me to and i was madly in love with her, tho again, i do not believe this should excuse anything, now onto some more stuff i would like to reveal before i finally wrap this thing up and leave for good, or return to read my messages then cry and leave, anyways onto the stuff.

some questions and answers:

q: was this the person you were posting about on the forums?

a: yes this is the person i was talking about in the forums and calling my gf, tho that was before the nsfw thing

q: who is the person?

a: if you wish to know that message me and please do not harass the person, the last thing i want is the person getting hurt more because of me, she was already a bit suicidal by the end of our relationship and i fear for her

q: how long did the relationship last?

a: we started dating on july 7th this year and we haven't broken up yet tho i haven't spoke to her in a long time so it's safe to say it was somewhere around september

q: were you considering meeting up with this person?

a: no because we live in two different continents but we fantasized about when she would be 18 we could live together.

ok that's it with the questions, also there are like over 100 screenshots and i just realized her name eill be leaked when those screenshots get posted so i will have to invite you to a server as i can't cut and edit all of them due to storage problems, anyways now to some miscellaneoys stuff, these are less bad but still horrible, degenerate, and downright obsessive.

misc.

i told her that she was my everything and that i couldn't live without her which altough i did mean, can still be seen as a manipulative thing.

i told her that if i ever hurt her i would harm myself to make up for it, typing this right now makes me sick but it's true, i can't believe i did this, i'm truly horrible.

everynight i would say that i loved her before going to bed and wish her a good night, i would say this even tho it was day for her snd rather thsn message her this i would say this as if she was next to me.

i would include her in my daydream/imaginary world that i have used to cope with my intrysuve thoughts/fears at night, these thoughts would sometimes turn sexual tho only in the latter stages of our relationship when she stopped talking too much.

during the first 1 month of our relationship i was pretty much entirely deoendent on her and everyday i'd wake up i'd look at my phone to see what she sent, she was my everything and i hate myself, not only for being a degenerate later on but for wishing i could go back to the time i was dating her, what is wrong with me, am i really a pedo or did i just live her? why am i even asking?

after around 2 months i started to be suspicious of her cheating tho i never told her and pretended i didn't notice as to not make her think i was doubting her and lose her, that's also around the time we started being horny with eachother, i wish i could say i only did it to keep her, but while it started as such, i began liking it and even enjoyed it too much, i regret that deeply now, there are no excuses for my actions.

everytime i'd wake up i'd stay up 3 hours without eating to talk to her more, i did this from the start of our relationship all the way to the end.

i kept lying that i was not doing anything bad even tho people were calling me a pedo because i was afraid of losing my internet friends and bh, ehich is the only place where i ever had a platform and where i could speak to others, but i guess i harmed my friends and every second i keep this private i'm harming them more, i'm a liar and a horrible person...

i confessed that i wanted to marry her 2 days after we began dating, i remember that moment so fondly, i was so clueless byt i was happy, and she was happy, i'm so sorry

i made a fake personality for myself and tried to replace my current one to escape my guilt, it did not work, and tho i have done that before, this time i was truly the one in the wrong and the guilt was too strong, i just want to get this off my chest.

wrapping up.

i missed alot of stuff but i am writing this at 2am and i have been writing for well over an hour, if you wish to ask me anything feel free to message me on discord, it might take some time for me to respond depending on when i release this but please be patient, as a last thing, i do not think i am attracted to kids and while i am a minor that does not mean that my actions were not pedophilic, i knew what i was doing and i take full responsibility for it, i just want to apoligize to everyone i have hurt and lied to, it was about time i got payback for all the things i did, i do not think snyone will forgive me, nor do i exoect forgiveness, i just want to let you know i was sorry, i ruined all the things i did, i wonder what 2022 me woukd say, i guess dhe'd hate me more than i already hate myself,i was given a platform and ruined it in the worst way possible, that's not how a responsible almost adult should act, again, i'm sorry for everything, i wish you all the best, goodbye.

-Madeline