This is not a suicide note. But I do want to let everyone know that it is very likely I will be killing myself in a few weeks.
I do not make this decision lightly. And to be blunt, it’s not something I WANT to do either. I had hopes and dreams I wanted to fulfill. And now I won’t. I love life. But there are several reasons I need to do this.
First I need to talk a little about the people in my life I love. I told my sister this and we both cried and we’re trying to work through it. I don’t think we will but I love her so much and she’s really the only person in my life I can talk to about this.
My best friend is CP. I wanted to talk to her about this but her father committed suicide and I can’t put this on her. I know this will hurt her and it drives me insane with guilt. Just thinking about it makes me cry.
My old case worker M is someone I emailed and asked if she would call me. I don’t know if she will, but I want to hear her voice one last time and tell her how much she means to me and how much I love her.
I AM trying to think of ways around this. If either my sister’s family or CP move out of the country and take me with them I’ll go. But I can’t ask them to upend their lives “otherwise I’ll kill myself.” That isn’t fair to them.
I sure many people will tell me to talk to a therapist or the counselor at my program. I can’t do that. I would wind up in a psychiatric hospital. When I was young I was in a hospital for four years and it turned me into a terrible person. I did monstrous things I am ashamed of (including violence). It’s why I have PTSD. None of those things were a secret and there were consequences to them but I’m not going back to that.
If it were just me being depressed I’d live with it. I’m not lying. Despite me feeling suicidal during the first Trump Presidency I never came CLOSE to doing it, or even coming up with a plan. This is different. I’ve put a lot of thought into it and the reason I am planning this is because if I don’t I will personally suffer. So much I’ll have wished I did this now. I am very much at-risk
I am on Disability. When Trump becomes President at some point, sooner rather than later, I will lose my Housing Voucher and Social Security and become homeless. Best case scenario I’d live with either my Mom and Dad or my sister’s family. But my Mom and Dad are elderly and my sister’s family doesn’t need another mouth to feed.
Worse, I am a Democrat who offers his opinions online mostly using his real name. Forget losing my apartment. How long before I am arrested and executed for my opinions? Probably not very.
I want to go out on my own terms. I’ve thought a lot a about it and have decided to get my affairs in order (my will just needs to be notarized), take some sleeping pills and lie in bed peacefully with my stuffed animals. I want to go out on my terms and not Trump’s. You can tell me these ARE Trump’s terms and while you aren’t wrong, you aren’t exactly right either.
My plans for the next few weeks are to finish my will, finish drawing the latest issue of Gilda And Meek And The Universe (which will be the last) and finish writing the final six scripts of the saga. After that, I will post the final 22 scripts on my site so people will know how it ends.
And like I said on my Dreamwidth Journal this is not how it WOULD have ended. Once those scripts are posted they are official and canon. I regret I can never get down to writing the two sequels I planned but I will also detail their outlines on my site too.
Here is the link to my comic book site.
gildaandmeekandtheuniverse.blogspot.com/…
It would mean the world to me if you read the 67 issues there so far. Maybe over 3000 pages is too much to ask but I want to have made a mark on the world. The site is totally free, there are no ads, and only exists to make a connection with people.
Also my friend Jasper Hansen writes and draws a cartoon called Weasel Grotto. Here is the link:
He was excited for me to read what’s coming in December and I felt so guilty because I will not be around for most of it. I am begging the people on Daily Kos to please read and keep up with Weasel Grotto every day and give Jasper the love and support he needs for it that I will be unable to. But him being so excited was why I needed to talk about this now. Please, PLEASE read and keep up with Weasel Grotto and let Jasper know you support him.
Other friends of mine include Jason Deroga who writes and draws OmniLegend Tales consisting of Lil’ Hero Artist and Sneakers U-Force:
And Lady Jess whose comic is called Promised Memories.
Like Weasel Grotto I highly recommend OminLegend Tales and Promised Memories and I hope you give Jason Deroga and Lady Jess support as well.
I am sorry for the people on Daily Kos who believe I have failed them. Who believe my voice is needed in this fight. And I am aware it’s selfish on my end and taking the easy way out. But the hard way carries too much risk for me, an already at-risk person, that I need to think of my own safety about something like this. Yes, one of the reasons I’m doing this is because it’s safer than waiting around for what’s coming.
I love you all and will still be commenting and supporting you for the last few weeks I am around. And if there IS another way out of this you have word I will take it. No matter what it is. I want to live. I just don’t see how I can.
One last request: If this post infuriates you, don’t say “You are coward and we’re better off fighting without you.” Just please hold your tongue about that. This is hard enough.
UPDATE
Somebody in the comments made a valid point. What if somebody reads this diary and decides to kill themselves? I think that is a valid fear. I also think reaching out to people in the same boat is something that maybe we can help each other with. To be clear, I don’t WANT to do this. I want other options. And many people in my boat do as well. Maybe talking about it can help people think of different solutions.
So far I haven’t changed my mind but it’s definitely shifted into realizing if I did it it would be even harder than I’m imagining, not just for the people around me, but for me too. It gives me pause and more things to consider.
UPDATE 2
I thank you for your support and I do have to admit I’m having second thoughts. Mostly because of the people who are talking about the complicated logistics of it. That gives me huge pause. And if you are feeling this way too, it should probably give you huge pause too.
This is not a clean business. And learning that has kind of alarmed me about the idea. I don’t know. I feel helpless and trapped and I can’t stop this horrible feeling inside me.
People have told me in the comments to call 988 and they did help me. If anyone else is in my boat, you should do that first too. Whatever suicide is, it’s permanent. It’s not something to take lightly or do impulsively. And even though I knew that, I’m starting to understand I need to put more thought into it than I already did.
UPDATE 3
From one of my comments below:
Somebody upthread mentioned that this post should not be on Daily Kos and could inspire copycats. Honestly, that would break my heart. But the reason I posted it is because I am not alone in feeling these feelings currently, and all of us maybe talking about it and how hard it is might get some or all of us to think of a different solution.
I would hate it if this diary inspired a person to kill themselves. It was written for the opposite reason. I want us to be able to work out our shit.
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I would not think they would screw their seniors over quite so suddenly, that is a massive amount of backlash, as it’s NOT just seniors then. All the seniors living in retirement communities? Yeah, those close down. They then move in with their children, and that has a ripple effect on the economy.
They ARE going to try death by a thousand cuts to Social Security, and sadly, if we get to vote again, and vote for Dems, they’ll be just fine leaving them in place as they have for every other ratfucking the Republicans have done without lifting a damn finger to stop them. I sincerely do not think you’re in as much trouble as you think you are.
Think about all that please. And as Yuck said above, do remember, they will want the end of Social Security to happen when they are NOT in office, so the Dems take the blame, even though they did it.
As a caring stranger (yet a fellow dKos traveler) I’m going to humbly ask you to consider waiting to be sure either of those things are actually going to happen before making your decision. I spent the day meeting with a group of people that are brainstorming ways to entirely bypass Trumpian problems by building more robust locally focused community and serving our own needs together. There are some historical precedents for success in this type of effort. I’m not implying it won’t involve hardship.
It’s also deeply important that we don’t help Trump achieve his goals by changing any of our behaviors or expectations to suit his authoritarian desires. To the degree you have any available mental or emotional bandwidth to focus on continuing to exist as you currently do as though he won’t succeed in changing it (and I’m offering no negative judgement if you’d don’t), that’s one fairly meaningful thing we can all do together: keep living as though he doesn’t have the power to change our lives.
We know from experience that Donald Trump is unintelligent, lazy, and gets bored easily. He takes sadistic pleasure in fighting his team against each other in toxic competition. He’s also incredibly weak in his susceptibility to flattery. There are things our leaders can conceivably do to keep him distracted and to minimize his ability to cause widespread disruption. We’re part of a team of millions of people who are not as outnumbered as it may seem from this election result.
I’ve decide to renew my passport.
Maybe move to the UK, Europe or Canada-- can (quickly) drive there.
Become a citizen of the World!
You are lucky if you can do this, but they won’t accept SS/SSI there.
And Medicare won’t cover you.
Please, please, reconsider. Every time you feel like you’re slipping off the edge, call 988 or a support person.
None of us know that this will happen. It’s not foreordained that you will lose these things. It’s horrible and we’re all dreading what’s to come — I’m not going to sugarcoat that.
But please don’t make any quick decisions — remember all the things he said he’d do in his first term that never happened?
From what you wrote, you have people who love you and lead a meaningful life. That matters.
Please take care of yourself :)
Hey Matt, I hear you loud and clear!! Been there, but didn’t do that. I gutsed it out till I was finally ready & willing to admit I needed medical intervention. And it helped (luckily) almost instantly. I’d recommend more discussions with your Dr/Psych. about adding a second med. to your routine, or working with increasing any anti-anxiety or anti-depression meds. in your schedule. I am not a doctor or therapist- and you need to consult/ re-consult one or both ASAP.
I’d also rec. some additional social time with friends, even by phone if necessary. I’d also say try not to pre-judge a short (7-10 day) hospital stay. Obnoxious, yes. But it can be really valuable as a means to very rapid medication switch-overs, which often require a little time (usually longer than that) to “titrate over” to a different medication. Best of luck- and health- to you!
Exactly right. Often there are physical problems that underlie mood disorders that can be easily corrected with medication. But, you don’t know that until you get in front of a doc and evaluated. Wouldn’t it just suck to die by your own hand when a stupid pill could have straightened the whole thing out.
Also agree with not rejecting hospitalization if it’s needed to get over the hump. Hospitals suck, but thank god we have them, but ya know what? Funeral homes suck worse.
I’m already on psyche meds.
Me too. Sometimes they need re-calibrating—a different dosage, or additional vitamin D supplements as the days grow darker (we did just have the time change), or suchlike. It’s worth looking into—I’ve fiddled around with my depression meds several times since I started taking them, each time they failed me and the suicidal impulses got suddenly stronger again.
OK, then this means you have a doc. Get in touch. Tell them what is on your mind and why. You might need a tweek.
Ya know, Matt. This election was devastating, more so for some than others. I am gong to guess that you are feeling really vulnerable right now,to the point that it has become intolerable so you are looking for a way out. Add to it, a big fat dose of fear and a bad feeling of uncertainty. And you know, you have good reason to feel this way, but you don’t have to believe everything you feel. trump shot his mouth off all over the place this past year. He’s a liar and he has no moral compass whatever. He is so unpredictable that it’s hard to tell what is fact and what is fiction. I know that when you feel threatened as you do, you take every thing as fact bc you cannot afford to take it as fiction. That guy should be in jail, not heading toward the Oval Office and how that happened is a whole other subject. But this has had a particularly bad effect on you. I, and a lot of others have tried to counter fallacious thinking, offer support and compassion. There are a lot of hands reaching out to you. Grab on, hang on. We got you even if you don’t have yourself right now. You have your whole life to make this decision you are contemplating, but I am suggesting to you that just for tomorrow you put it down. Go find the beauty and the wonder. If you want it when you get back, it will be there. There is a way out of this problem you are experiencing. It, like every single thing under the sun, is temporary. It too will resolve bc that’s how it is on this planet, but you must give it time. This rush you are in. Why? Are you sure that you are not feeling so threatened by this trump presidency that you are completely engaged in the flight or fight response? It looks like you are bolting. The one thing we know about anxiety responses is that the logical part of our brain literally goes “off line” and everything about us, brain and body, reorients to survival. Your paradox seems to be that you think that you will survive by killing yourself. Your protection is telling you that it is better to hurt yourself first. Question that. Think about that for a week or two. Slow down. Let it play. There is no rush here. Stop preparing for your death, and prepare for your life instead. Refocus your mind. Think a different thought. And know this, suicide by any method is not going to be pleasant or easy. There was a suggestion that carbon monoxide was a less painful method. Sure, as long as you understand that CO2 paralyzes the muscles, but it doesn’t paralyze the brain. Not at first. So, if you get half way through the process where you cannot move, but you can still think, you will witness your own death and you won’t be able to do a damned thing about it if you change your mind. You know how terrifying that would be? I cannot even imagine. So there is no good way. The only way out is through and you can. I have seen people do some heroic, brave things. They faced their fear and they kicked its ass all the way to hell and back and that is a victory you get to keep forever. Watching someone do that changes you. I changed my mind, a lot of people here have changed their minds. For whatever reason, we found a reason. Sunsets, cats, whatever. What’s your reason? There is one in there somewhere, if there isn’t, then make one up. Stick around for a good long time, bc the world needs you more than you know. You know where I am. I am here. You have a whole community of people who have woven a safety net underneath you. We are not going to let you fall. They are here. Find the beauty. Your life: it’s so worth it.
I woke up feeling worse than ever. I hope you are right.
Matt. You say that you will lose your housing voucher and social security and that this is a fact. A fact based on what exactly? Are you sure that this isn’t anticipatory anxiety at work here? If in fact you have been notified by social security and I will assume the Dept of Social Services that you will lose both of these programs then I would get in front of those people and start working out solutions. It strikes me that you will not be the only person. My brother is on social security disability bc of mental illness. I have not heard anything about him losing access to this program, what makes you think you are? I have not heard of anyone who is current a social security recipient losing their coverage, that or Medicare/Medicaid. Why do you you think this is going to happen to you? If your telling yourself because of trump, you need to sit back. trump runs his mouth all the time.
IF you have the letter, then you need to start making phone calls. If you don’t, and you are thinking this is what is going to happen my best advice to you is to sit back and let the game play. What happens if you decide to take your life, a permanent move which WILL have a horrible impact on the people around you, I know survivors, my mom was one and it totally fucked her up, but what happens if you take your life and then then next day an announcement is made on the news that none of these programs will be cut or reduced. Then what? You couldn’t pay me all the money in the world to take my own life bc of trump. And give that mother fucker that much power? Not a chance. Why is your life any less valuable?
The fact that you are talking about it so much says to me that you don’t want to do this. Not really. What it says to me is that you feel helpless and out of control of your situation which I do not understand.AND that there are no solutions for you. Except, what if there are? (There are, trust me, there are.) Suicide needs to come off of the list as a viable solution for solving the problem (is the problem finances???? I am not really sure what is actually driving this. You say you are in pain. What does that mean exactly?) Clearly, you are asking for help. Otherwise, you would just do this. Remember when I told you about my suicide plan and sunsets? I did not talk to anyone about this. NO ONE. Bc I did not want interference. But, then sunsets. You know what happened there. But you are talking and talking a lot which leads me to believe that you are looking for a solution. Suicide isn’t a solution.
As far as therapy is concerned, you might want to look at a trauma therapist. Their approach is not the same as cognitive behavioral therapy. Try to find one who practices EMDR. You would be amazed at how fast, and I mean super fast, the relief comes. I know from experience. The brain wants to heal. I think you do too. You have not exhausted your options yet. Stop talking about endings, my friend, and let’s start talking about how this is going to get resolved so that you can find some peace.
What is EMDR?
You are right that I don't want to do this. That’s why I’m asking for help.
And I haven’t gotten a letter I just don’t want to wait around for it. Maybe that seems silly but I am currently terrified.
EMDR therapy explanation: psychcentral.com/…
“This therapy is based on the theory that traumatic events aren’t properly processed in the brain when they happen. This is why they continue to affect us — with nightmares, flashbacks, and feelings of the trauma happening again — long after the actual trauma is over.”
You are a positive force in the world, try to stay here.
EMDR: eye movement, desensitization and reprocessing. It’s a type of trauma therapy. You find it demonstrated on You Tube and Mike101below has sent you a link as well. It is amazingly effective and it works really fast.
There is a book out there called The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk and to expand Mike 101 a bit, he posits that when the brain experiences trauma,and it is not processed properly it gets stored in the body in all kinds of ways. The body remembers, and keeps the score.
There are all kinds of psychological and physical responses to trauma and none of them are fun. But the good news is, they can be dealt with. EMDR is one technique,and it’s effective. When I did it, the session lasted for one hour and I walked out amazed that the “edge” of the trauma was gone. One might need more than one session to process, but it works. Another trauma therapy is called Internal Family Systems therapy (which would say that your firefighters are extremely active and trying to protect you which is why you are considering the idea that you are, that it is protective of a larger hurt. IFS kind of looks at the world ass backwards but if you can go there with it, it makes a lot of sense). This is also a super accessible therapy type as it allows you to conceptualize your thinking in ways that are more concrete than abstract. When this therapy type was first introduced to me I rejected it immediately as a bunch of hocus pocus. But something kept pulling me back into it and I have since read a whole lot of books/articles and have tried to sort a few of my problems out this way and suffice to say, it has been an interesting journey for sure.
I might need to look into that.
Don’t do this. Just don’t.
I’m in your boat. Hell, I even have stuffed animals that I’ve had since I was a child and value them more than any thousand random humans. I have SSI and Medicaid and that’s it.
I’ve been crushed for days. I haven’t left the house, and I don’t really want to. I’m fine in the apartment. I don’t want to engage with a world that could do this, and I don’t know that I ever will right now. Part of why I am crushed is I fear what will happen to what little I have.
But nothing has happened yet.
Nothing has been proposed.
That proposed thing hasn’t endured the inevitable protest.
Nothing has passed.
That thing that has passed hasn’t survived the inevitable (where possible) court challenge.
You don’t have a cut-off letter with a date.
You don’t know what options might be open for you when and if that all gets around to happening.
And if there’s one thing we know from the first four years, these people are idiots. They don’t know how government works, and if they fire all the civil servants, they will know even less.
And they overreach. They will again. Do you think there will be no response if they sunset SS or fire all the postal workers? Do you think there will be no response when Latinos who voted for Trump, (many saying they had no idea about mass deportations) will do nothing when they see people with their faces dragged from homes and thrown into trucks?
Some people that voted for Trump don’t care what he does to “the other.” Do you think they will just take it when they discover that, to him, EVERYONE is “the other.”
Hell, yes, I believe that a Republican Senate will nuke the filibuster to pass whatever. But there’s an honest chance that they won’t. They know how horrible some of these ideas are and how they’ll be perceived. With the filibuster, they don’t have to own having done it. They won’t have to face mobs with pitchforks and torches having done it.
If some things don’t pass, “Welp, it’s evil Chuck Schumer’s fault.”
And, I do not say this to be mean, but you are not important enough to round up and jail just because you say you hate Trump, (I assume you do) Neither am I.
Is Michael Flynn PERSONALLY going to gun down ALL protesting American citizens? You don’t just need loyalty at the top. You need it down to the soldier on the street who is killing on his order? Do you think he will command such loyalty and that EVERYONE with a conscience will be driven out? I’m not sure about that.
You are contemplating ending your life because, in your mind’s eye, you have already traveled 80,000 steps to arrive at the WORST possible end of “Trump’s Second Term Blvd.” when the reality is that neither of us have. Hell, NONE of us has taken ONE yet.
Live your life. Let all this unfold. Neither of us knows WHAT will be, and it’d be a horrible waste to even contemplate ending that life just because you’re haunted by an outcome that only exists, right now, in your mind’s eye.
Don’t do this.
I’m trying so hard to hold on. And I don’t know if I can.
You don’t know that for sure, yet. Neither do I, and I’m in the same situation. I can’t think about it; have too many other things to think about. “One day at a time”, y’ know? You are catastrophizing. They would have to do take away all of our housing vouchers and SSI (SSDI), and then, they’d have a massive HOMELESS problem on their hands; what then? Do they deport us? How, when and where? I can’t bother upsetting myself. It’s not worth giving all the power to these bastards. I am a survivor, and so are you. Maybe they’ll kill us, but that’s them, not you. Think about the Holocaust people who died... They certainly did not go willingly, but fought to the end (when possible). Why give Hitler or DT the power? You will find a way, and so will I, and others in our shoes. Thanks for posting.
Don’t kill yourself Matt! Don’t give trump that power!
And I for one, would get very upset if you did. I checked your profile. You have 25,000 recs. You have a lot of friends here at Daily Kos. And we’d all be upset if you did something stupid like kill yourself over trump.
As for your gov’t programs. Trump would have to take the entire program away. He can’t and wouldn’t single you out. ie Re Disability. When Trump becomes President at some point, sooner rather than later, I will lose my Housing Voucher and Social Security and become homeless.
Trump’s mostly, all talk and won’t be able to do 90% of his threats.
And we Democrats will fight him every step of the way, as we did his last time in office.
Another thing, trump’s influence will depend on what state a person is in. Blue states, we won’t feel any effect of any of trump’s bs. Trump doesn’t understand, being president doesn’t mean he owns the country. It means, he works at the will of the people.
And trump’s going have a big job if he tries to go after every Democratic blogger.
He’d probably start with me, because I’m so annoying. I already promised him, I’m watching him and will be there to tell him, every time he fks up.
You don’t seriously believe trump is going to be able to arrest you? Highly, legally, impossible, 99%. How long before I am arrested and executed for my opinions? Probably not very. Trump can’t do that. He’s bullying and gaslighting everyone.
We have laws in US, and if this scenario were the case we wouldn’t have a problem, trump would be sitting in jail right now.
You just made me smile with that he’ll come and get me. This is America, trump can’t do that either. Anyway, he’ll be coming for me first. Guaranteed.
So please, please, please, Matt, get rid of that silly idea of killing yourself!
Trump wouldn’t even notice. You think that’s winning? It’s not, it’s giving in and giving up.
I know about clinical depression I got it from pain medications. It’s like a light in your head goes out and nothing can turn it back on. The Truth About Opioid's And Pharmaceuticals, From A Patient. Alternate Title-There Oughta Be A Law!
When you feel that depression coming on. Go out, take a walk, grocery shop, talk to people. Get some fresh air. Fresh air and exercise are the best for dealing with depression.
And you should know that if you ended up homeless Kossacks will help you. We will do a massive fund raiser for you.
Trump’s all talk. Big man, big talk. But even as President no real power because everyone around him will fight him.
True it may be a long four years and a bumpy ride, but you can handle it Matt! Fight back! Stand up for yourself! Don’t let a chump like trump do this to you.
We Kossacks are here Matt. Always If you got a problem, we got a problem. That’s what Democracy, is all about. Helping each other.
Now don’t disappoint me Matt. I’m counting on you to be here for the next four years, to help me and the rest of us fight trump.
You’re a Kossack since 2006. Two years longer than me.
Be assured Matt, We Kossacks will stand behind you all the way! If trump tried to fk with you he would have more trouble than he can imagine! Guaranteed again.
And speak to someone knowledgeable about depression.
Stop thinking about suicide! You’ll only end up in another dimension. Just like earth. Takes a lot of time and work, to get up to Heaven. So suicide pointless. Just more of the same. I know, I’m a dreamer. Long story.
But don’t kill yourself Matt, you’ll be right back where you started from, still, existing. Same old, same old just in a different place. Just like here. Imo not a winning choice.
Stay with us and fight trump. That way we can all say, we didn’t cower, we fought back!
I forgot; Comfort food is also excellent to fight depression. Pizza, pasta, burgers, fries, fried chicken, a tuna sandwich with mayo and tomato, soup, etc. So many choices.
I prefer a steak and baked potato with tons of real butter (unsalted), myself.
Protein is very important, helps depression to get enough protein every day.
Nutrition so important. See my blog post. Besides about pharmaceuticals, I researched a lot about how the body works.
Ever have a Taylor’s Ham sandwich? (taylor’s pork roll)
Just the memory of one, is a reason to live, and have another, and another!
You are so amazing! I sure hope you helped our friend Matt. I know that your comments surely helped ME, and probably many others. We are so very traumatized from this decade of Trump corruption and MAGA cruelty, and that’s on top of the never-ending struggles just to survive all of our other every day living challenges. It’s almost unbelievable that any of us are still able to function at all.
I’m so scared right now.
Then keep a stash for when it happens. Don’t jump for thinking that you fell.
Tim Snyder tells us to fight tyranny by not obeying in advance, this counts as bailing before the need is real.
They want us out of their way. They want us too scared to fuck up their plans. Sounds like a great reason to hang around and trip them up as much as we can.
It’s been among my first thoughts, too, for pretty much the same reasons, but I’m not going anywhere until it actually happens. Between now & then I do have things to get in order, (never a bad idea, since speeding busses do occasionally go astray), but between now & then I intend to make their intended path as speed-bumpy as I possibly can.
I could use some help, hang in there with us.
I just feel so hopeless right now.
Totally with you. And the way I’ve always ridden out these times is to focus on right now, one day at a time. Sometimes it got bad enough that it was an hour at a time.
About the only time my procrastination habit ever worked for me. ;-)
That and distracting myself with little, positive things, cat videos, sunrises , whatever gives a little boost or relief.
You’ve already taken the first step, reaching out to your support system, us.
Each one rebuilds the habit of breathing and adding another day. The habit takes over and carries us forward.
And I’m also absolutely furious with the breathtaking stupidity of my country. That anger is energy I use as a buoy and fuel.
Keep growing fingernails to hang on with. {{{Matt}}}
Most states have housing voucher programs too, if yours is federal then check into that. I wouldn’t worry so much about losing your SSI. Social security remains the third rail of politics. Anyone who votes to make major cuts will almost 100% certain lose their seat in the mid-terms.
We have actually climbed out of a hole much deeper than this before. Read about the Gilded Age and the beginnings of the labor movement. Our government was even more autocratic than Trump and the wealthy had even more power than present day billionaires. People always imagine the problems in their world that seem insurmountable are forever — but nothing is. The angry working class that Trump has duped will turn their rage against the right villains sooner or later. Perhaps when he tanks the economy again with his tariffs and sits there feebly trying to blame Joe Biden (which you know he will).
Stick around. Sometimes like an addict a country has to hit rock bottom before it finally wakes up, and the next few years will certainly be that. You don’t want to miss the final act of this story: the fall of MAGA. This whole ordeal may seem endless to us but it’s just a blip on the radar screen of history.
They will almost assuredly grandfather current recipients. Gen X self-owned itself by voting for Trump, it probably won't be there for them now.
Yes, Matt Z, I second Gardening Toad!
Hugs to you….
DO NOT DO THIS. You think you will have relief when all you have done is cause pain to the people who know and love you. Suicide, in my opinion, is the coward's way out.
I've been where you are, at least twice, and gotten close another couple times;
In both instances, somehow, caring strangers stepped up and pulled me back from the Edge.
I sought no one, they just came outta nowhere & did it:
They pulled me back from fixation upon my losses, which is what happened to me - with greater perspective came calm, and rationality once again.
I believe Mr. T & his merry band of SS won't be able to irreparably break our society.. besides, the seeds of every Renaissance were in that society's previous iteration.
Look up the history of The Meiji Restoration in Japan - the status quo Conservatives tried to de-modernize Japan (Western influence was eroding their power), but wound up destroying samurai influence until even now, and Japan modernized faster than any other country in history.
Spectacular Conservative failure.
Our current crop of C./R. thugs, being thugs, are destined to make a mess.
Maybe then the Righty thumb-suckers (out of respect, I chose 'thumb-') will actually not hurry past mirrors then..
I do not believe they have time on their side..
Bless their little hearts..
Meanwhile, if ya can, hold on, intend for help (if ya don't get it here, you
will
get it 'there' - just being there doesn't fully solve the fixation - you'll get counselling, and greater perspective, and calm, and your native rationality will kick back in.)
I guarantee the process, never mind for now how I can.
Sometimes, in this life, my sheer intention to get through was all I had..
Turns out, that was all I needed to start the healing process..
Give it a shot, is what I'm recommending, and open yourself to help from unexpected quarters.
Doesn't really sound like you value yourself very much - if folks here say they do, it's because they have perspective that you've lost..
Since getting it back, here or 'there', sooner or later, is
i n e v i t a b l e,
Why not try it here?
Couldn't possibly hurt..
Besides, ya might inspire even more folks than you already have..
If you doubt that, remember this:
In the next world, you will get to see all the influences you've had on folks here, good and bad.
I'll tell you this: you
will
be surprised then over the positive influences you've caused.
Another promise and guarantee.
Again, I say: give intention a shot —
Couldn't POSSIBLY hurt..
See ya down the road somewhere..
Matt- I hope admins will call emergency services on your behalf since they know what city you live in. You say you can’t be talked out of it, but no one who can’t be talked out of it states what they’re going to do before they do it.
You are a valuable, valued person. Please stick around.
You think the administrators give a shit about me? They won’t even stop posting his picture despite hundreds of people begging them not to.
Normally, I’d delete the diary for fear of being hospitalized (which I cannot do) but this site doesn’t give a shit about any of us.
Do you remember Translator? He was a kossack from Kentucky who wrote a lot for the saturday night series, “What’s For Dinner?” when I was editing it every week. we kos mailed back and forth a bit and he gave me his number but I had no way of calling long distance and so was unable to talk to him irl. When he died, I sobbed for days, feeling rage and grief I was unable to help him. I’m crying again now. I can’t invest myself again. I hope you get help. Take care.
Oh, I remember Translator well. That was awful.
The Administrators actually PMed me. I am touched.
It may not seem like it, but you have time. So let’s see how that plays out.
In the meanwhile, reconsider therapy. I don’t know where you live but there are plenty of therapists in this country. Try to utilize a larger practice who should be able to shift you about if things aren’t working with one. Tell them upfront tht you would like to talk with someone who deals with thoughts of suicide.
Sure, there often is a knee jerk reaction to hear suicide and hear that there is a plan and get someone hospitalized. Let’s leave that up to you and a therapist. You seem to me like a logical and thoughtful person. Take that approach with them.
I work in the field of behavioral health. I am working with a company that has developed a matching process that relies on outcome of treatment and not the standard approach. I’d like to tell you what mental health group you can go to to engage in this matching. I should be able to soon as I am helping them work that out. It will match you with a therapist that has a 5 times better chance of working with you because their particular skill set has been determined and matches with what your needs are (the process is set for the top 3 areas of need and not jsust you saying “I’m depressed”. We are very close to launching this to a wider set of people nationwide. It is already being done in a number of places but this will be national.
That is a lot of writing. Hopefully you read this all. It may not be articulate but it is as best as I can do at the moment. Why don’t you message me? I can see if I can if I can do anything.
It won’t be the worst thing if you waited. A few months, a year what have you. As someone above stated these changes that will impact you will not be done over night. It won’t come without a fight. So you have time.
I don’t know you. But to me you seem like a bright and thoughtful (yes I know I repeat myself) person. So I think it is within you to agree to let some time go. We are all too close to this tragic turn of events. So we and you should give it some time.
I am actually searching for a therapist and have been for months. I think there is a backlog or something. A lot of people are currently stressed out.
I can refer a group for you. They are national — and depending on what State you are in and what insurance carrier ( they take most national ones in every State as well as Medicare and Medicaid), they should be able to get you seen in 2 days. Believe me the large national groups have capacity.
Just message me and I will get you the information.
Thank you. Posted to save .
Thank God. Matt hang around buddy, let’s figure a way to move through this madness!
The site may not give a shit about any of us, but I can assure you that the PEOPLE who show up here every single day care about you. If they did not they would not read your diary and they would not respond to it. Except they did, and they did.
There is something deeply unsettling to bear witness to another person contemplating and reasoning their way through ending their own life. If there is one thing I am absolutely certain of it’s this: life wants to live. I have seen people and animals so god damned sick it would break your heart and the body, the spirit rallies every single time toward life. Every single time. The life force is strong. So is yours. Much stronger than maybe you imagine. If no one cared, no one would bother. The problem with this site is that it is internet space not real me sitting with you. you sitting with me as humans were designed to do. This is the next best thing. People care about you, let them. Let them. Just let them.
That helps SO much. Thank you SO much.
We will get there together. Do you keep a gratitude journal. As you are discovering, I write stuff down. All kinds of stuff. I guess I like looking at stuff and seeing how it changes over time. I keep track of bird migrations especially, weather, time, when the first leaves appear, when the last flower blooms, stuff like this. I also keep a gratitude journal and have found that this calms me down a lot. This election has thrown me, like so many others, way off my game. My emotions are all over the place. I am full of anger, contempt, disgust, resentment, pissed like hell that OTHER PEOPLE who I don’t even know voted in a bastard rapist felon who is going to be my president and I don’t get to decide that, and to be honest, I am crying way more than I want. I am worried, anxious, trump is unpredictable, erratic,violent and I don’t absorb this kind of shit well. At all. So, I started noticing the sky, how there are different shades of blue in it all at once. And I started thinking about Mary Oliver’s poem, Wild Geese. She says at one point, we humans can talk about our trouble and woes all we want, but in spite of this the natural world is still moving around us as it should. There is a world independent of human bullshit, if we would look at it and pay attention to it. So I started to really look yesterday. I started taking pictures of all kinds of stuff, mostly tree bark. Then I decided that I need to start writing other stuff down. My newest adventure is to write down 5 beautiful things that I see everyday. This forces one to look, to refocus the mind, to see the minute, the tiny, the detail. And to see the beauty in how a thing forms and moves in its space. And none of this has a damned thing to do with fucking trump or MAGA, or their chaos. It’s actually bigger than they are and the DNA that tells a deer’s rib to curve this way and stop doesn’t give a shit in hell about that man. He has his power, for the moment, but he’s also irrelevant in the larger scheme of things. He’s actually a punk when you get down to it. Start to look at this world. We get so little time here when you get right to it. Time is our most valuable “belonging.” Keep yours close, protect it with all your might. This is going to get better. I promise that. Find the beauty. It is everywhere.
“take some sleeping pills and lie in bed peacefully with my stuffed animals. I want to go out on my terms and not Trump’s. You can tell me these ARE Trump’s terms and while you aren’t wrong, you aren’t exactly right either. ”
Sleeping pills I doubt will be painless.
Hang on as long as you can and don’t leave too soon is all I can say.
yeah I talked myself out of suicide at one point because my plan had been to take pills, but if you don’t have enough or if your med isn’t toxic enough (or if someone just finds you too soon) they will pump your stomach at the hospital and that isn’t fun.
Or your body might reject them at the outset and you throw up a lot. It’s not clean like in movies.
Don’t, Matt...I am DMing you
I am DMing as well.
I understand Matt—I’m bipolar and have faced similar situations where life seems to be intolerable and I’d rather finish things out on my own terms. What has always stopped me is the desire to live up to the example of my first love, and to push forward even a little bit more and strive to be the person she deserved.
If you are set in your mind, nothing I say will change your perception, but all I can say is your life is infinity more valuable than your loss. Your writing and your stories need to be seen and read—and continued. While the next day may bring grief and pain, it may also bring joy. Those moments of joy have (for me) always been worth the pain that has come between them. Life can be worth living—on your terms.
I can only hope you will change your mind. Hope is all we have.
Sean
Trump isn’t a complete idiot … he knows taking away Social Security from people who are already getting it would be incredibly unpopular, and I don’t believe that he will do it. Rather, he will take it away from people who are in line to get it 15 or 20 years from now.
The plan is to privatize SSec. It won’t happen instantly. I think of it as SSec type C coverage. It’ll be voluntary but heavily advertised by Big Greedy & Co.
.taking away Social Security from people who are already getting it would be incredibly unpopular,
That doesn’t even slow the GOP down when it comes to unpopular, unpopular is what the GOP does best, it’s the ONLY thing the GOP does.
In 1980, St. Ronnie Raygun took his “star wars” money out of the pockets of disabled Veterans. I know because he broke the law to do it and his star wars program (a bluff to Russia) cost me $1000.00 every month for 18 years AND the loss of all my medical benefits. For 18 years I suffered, before I promised $45,000.00 to a lawyer and with President Clinton in office, I finally got it back.
The V.A. hospital, doctors, nurses and staff, have treated me very well over the years, I have no complaints, but because I caught the Administration breaking the law (under Raygun’s orders), the administration wants me dead.
No, if you think the GOP gives a shit about the people of this nation, you are sadly mistaken. Don’t think for a minute that Social Security is safe, if they did this to Disabled Veterans, what makes you think the disabled and the elderly are safe? They are not! Remember, it took the GOP and their think tanks 8 full years to come up with the Paul Ryan Health Care Plan and given the chance (here it comes) they will have everyone in the country living with the PRHCP. In case you don’t remember, here is Paul Ryan explaining it:
Matt, I don’t blame you, do what you must. I was suicidal in 2016 and a piss-poor nurse triggered a psychosis that nearly ended it, it’s tough to talk yourself out of a psychosis, but I have cats that depend on me. The time just was not “right”! I still feel the self-destructive tendencies, but my time isn’t quite right yet. Do what you need to do, know you will be missed and fight the GOP as long as you can! You will know when the time is “right”.
May whatever gods you believe in, grace your passing, my friend.
Thank you so much. Yeah, this is where I’m at. I do want another solution. I just don’t see one. I’ll keep looking.
I would tell you to get a cat, but that wouldn’t be a good thing for that cat at this time in your life. Mine kept me here because I plan to outlive my cats. I feel the pain that any animal that has lost a human feels, I don’t want my cats to go through that. I’m pretty selfish that way.
Right. I don’t have any dependents. Which seems a blessing in disguise at this point.
I had a cat that helped keep me sober and alive at a difficult period in my life. Who would take care of him?
Just for the hell of it and forget the impracticalities and barriers, in a perfect world, what does that solution look like? Get out paper and pencil and write it down in detail. What do you want? What outcomes do you want? What goals do you have. Use your imagination. You want another solution (and so do I, this suicide thing is freaking me out, dude). OK, let’s go. How does it work? What do you want? What looks good to you? No barriers, all answers are acceptable. Let’s see where this goes. As I used to say to my students, make me happy and just play along for a minute even if you think it’s stupid. We can always throw the stupid away, but ya never know what little chuck of gold dust is going to come from skying around ideas.
I want to leave the country. I want to live in Europe in a place like the Netherlands. Not feasible. But that's what I want and what would solve this immediately.
I get it. I would be happy with Canada actually. My sister lived in Great Britain for 4 years bc of her job and if she had her way, she would be back there tomorrow. Like you, I am where I am for better or worse. Why would the Netherlands, or Europe in general solve your problem immediately?
Is leaving the country ALL you want?
Right now, yes.
We should be able to seek asylum in Canada.
I just don’t have the methods or resources to do it.
You know that pic of Paul Ryan is faked, right? The real person standing there is former FL Representative (and Democrat) Alan Grayson, who was illustrating what he believed the GOP health plan really boiled down to. (For the record, I agreed with him.)
Thanks for that info, my friend, it may be faked, but it makes the point. OK, it makes ME giggle rather than “Oh NO!” in terror. I’m tired of their terror.
I uploaded Grayson’s pic & the quote so it’s in the Image Library under Alan Grayson- die quick.
Nit: That wasn’t Ryan’s plan, it was Alan Grayson who originated it, someone has just PhotoShopped Ryan in because it would have been the outcome of everything he was working towards.
Thanks! I will try to remember that and update the “story”!
No problem, I’ve been seeing that Ryan pic lately & hadn’t had time to look around & snag the original before now. :-)
In 2004, W was reelected with a similar 50.9% of the popular vote. He saw it as a sweeping mandate and made the first initiative of his second term to overhaul Social Security. He said “I’ve earned something—political capital—and I intend to use it.” His plan went over like a lead balloon, the blowback was fierce, Congressional Republicans ran from it and it was dead on arrival in Congress. And, there went a lot of that political capital.
That was the first in a string of calamities that struck W’s first year of his second term (2005), followed by the Dick Chaney shooting incident and the comical public relations management of the incident, the Terry Schiavo matter, the situation in Iraq deteriorating, the disastrous response to Hurricane Katrina and the botched Harriet Miers nomination (though she would have turned out to be better than Alito so that was a case of be careful what you wish for). He was pretty much a lame duck by the end of that year.
Trump will not have the constraints Bush did.
And he has the supreme court in his pocket, with 2 more nominees on their way with a GOP Senate to send them through.
A third, if Sotomayor stays and she does not survive to January 2027…
...Assuming we win back the Senate; for which we will be able to block any nominee Trump or Vance puts forth.
He will still have a Congress which will have to pass laws. Even Republicans know better than to pass something patently unpopular, see Bush’s Social Security plan.
I remember that well.
Why would they care about being unpopular at this point? They’ve essentially got the presidency, senate, possibly the house, and the courts. Trump essentially gets away with everything and he’s going to be surrounded by even worse people this time around that will ensure he stays in for as long as he wants.
I think we’re essentially turning into Russia here..any dissent will be met with harsh response. If you don’t think that can happen, I don’t know what to tell you then.
There are 70 million people receiving Social Security right now. Unless Trump organizes a real coup and cancels elections, cutting off Social Security to existing recipients in the first two years will lead to a blue wave like you’ve never seen in 2026. Even if Trump is stupid enough to try this, Congress isn’t.
Let’s worry about the real catastrophic things Trump will do, and not encourage people to kill themselves to avoid imaginary disasters.
I’ve always believed that none of us can tell a person to stay when they want to go. It’s not really any of our business. But you should know that, though you are complaining of being at risk, so are millions of other people who won’t be checking out. You should also know that you are already causing, and will cause more, emotional trauma to those you love with this announcement and if you carry through with it.
If you think the world will be too painful for you to bear, that’s your decision and not ours, but it’s still the coward’s way out and people who love you will still be in pain long after you are gone. Life is pain, don’t run away from it.
If I’m a coward, I’m a coward. But even before I was suicidal, I’ve noticed people use the “coward” frame to manipulate people into doing what they want. I don’t think it’s the winning argument people think it is.
Meh. That’s just a word that people use to get depression and suicide straight to their mind.
And, frankly, with you, it’s the depression that is talking to you. We can put that off awhile. Fuck depression. ;O)
Calling someone who is in pain, who is seeking a way out, a coward is not helping anyone.
Saying “though you are complaining of being at risk, so are millions of other people who won’t be checking out” doesn’t help. It might even make things worse because it gives Matt Z another thing to feel bad about — “Why can’t I do this thing other people are doing?” Saying that Matt Z is causing emotional trauma to others doesn’t help either, because their suffering is so great they are literally unable to think anything outside their pain.
I know you’re trying to help, but you don’t seem to understand the condition of someone who is prepared to commit suicide. Maybe read about it, or talk to someone who survived it or who knew someone who did it. The feeling is horrible, beyond anything most people can imagine. You are trying to argue with logic, but logic doesn’t work here.
Matt: I hope you wait and think about this. I hope you find someone to talk to before you do anything. (A suicide hotline, maybe? You can kosmail me if you like, though I’m not a professional.) I hope you find a way to help yourself. I know you don’t believe it now, but sometimes life is worth it.
I’m talking to people about it. This is a big decision and I refuse to make it rashly. I need to get everything in order first.
Yea, it’s a big decision, life altering actually.
Help me understand this: you need to get everything in order first. I am assuming that you mean you need to get everything in order so that you can die.
My question is, why aren’t you getting everything in order so that you can live?
I guess because that doesn’t involve paperwork.
Uhhhhh, yes, actually it does. Maybe not as literally as you are thinking, but getting your life in order to live, that’s the process that needs your attention. Ya know, I am wondering about this focus on getting all of this paper in order. Most people don’t, ya know. They just go off and do it and let the rest fall on someone else. If that makes the someones mad so what. I wonder, does all of this organizing and getting in order give you a sense of control over your life? And if that is true, why not reorient the focus to gaining a sense of control over your life instead of over your death? Let’s play. If there was one thing in your life you feel like you have control over what is it? (Write it down, you see I am big on writing stuff down.) If there is one thing you feel you are out of control of, what is it? (Write it down.) Is there an intersection or connection anywhere between those two things. If so, what is it? (Write it down. We are looking for emerging patterns here.) This is paperwork too.
You have a favorite color?
Red. Like Elmo.
And Matt asked in his diary to refrain from that type of comfort. He said in his diary he knows how is family and loved ones will feel. You are not telling him nothing new. If you can’t find ways of encouragement, just rec the comments you like and keep your mouth shut.
When people are in darkness and can’t get to the light switch or the rim of the well, thoughts like the ones Matt is experiencing happen. It has happened in my family.
You said it yourself, it is no body’s business, but Matt chose to share, because he said in his diary he doesn’t want to do it, it just dark right now and he can’t get to the light.
Please give that type of advice to someone else and silently wish him well that he hangs around longer.
Thank you.
Some folks think they are helping with the “buckle up buddy” type advice. They do think they are helping so I can’t get mad. But people have to learn to read the room.
The Bible tells us to mourn with those who mourn and cry with those who cry and laugh with those who laugh. In other words we are suppose to sidle up to people and help carry what they are carrying at the time they are carrying.
There are plenty of times when the cook or get out of the kitchen talks are necessary, but this isn’t that time.
Matt. I’m reluctant to give advice, but I do have a thought. It’s only for consideration and nothing more.
Would it be possible to wake up each day and know that if you wish to do it you could. I won’t make judgement on whether you did or did not.
But would you also consider to look at that day and think, “Ok, I’ll give it one more day, but just one more day.”
That way you will always have the choice each day as to whether or not that would be the day.
Maybe knowing that you had the choice might allow you to know that you could have one more day, but if you wish the next day could be the one.
Look, I don’t know you other than what I’ve seen of you here at DK. BUT, I know enough of you to know I’d much rather see you here than not. I want you life to have something to it. I want you stay with us. I thought hard about my suggest. I can almost feel your hurt through the screen. I mean no harm to you, only that I’m desperate to keep you with us.
My absolute apologies if I have error in writing this comment. Pretty much at my wits end on what could keep you with us.
Also, please accept my apology for the spelling errors and grammatical mistakes. I was rushing to write and post — didn’t want to delay.
This. Please, each morning ask yourself, “Can I do just this one more day?” There’s no time limit. The pills, or whatever, will still be there the next day. You don’t have to commit to a lifetime, or a year, or even a week, just to one day.
Can you tell me your city? There may be some resources if you are near me, not suicide prevention but housing and life needs.
I don’t want to get specifics about where I live. I don’t want to be hospitalized.
How about a state?
I’m sure some of us would not mind driving out and sitting down for a coffee. If you’d be ok with that. I know I would be if you were nearby.
I don’t go out much. I still don’t want to give my state on a public forum.
I get the hospitalized thing. I was hospitalized once for an infection and I vowed I would never ever EVER go back to a hospital. While I was there I did notice one thing tho, people who were really seriously in a bad way were OK with being there. People, like me, and you I suspect, who needed some help but not in a seriously bad way, wanted nothing more than to escape that place. You are adamant about the hospital and not wanting to go there, and in a strange kind of way that gives me some hope. But, I will also say some times a medical intervention is necessary. Have you contacted your doc? And if not, is the fear of being hospitalized what’s keeping you from doing that. Hospitals are are places of healing, not jails. They cannot keep you in a hospital for a mental health condition for an extended period of time without a court order. At least in my state. But I do get why you don’t want to be there. When you need what they offer they are the best thing since sliced bread, and when you don’t, they are nothing short of living hell.
I was in the hospital against my will for four years. I know better now.
That is a long time. I am sure you have a backstory on this, and I can also understand that you want nothing to do with it. I was only in there for 4 days and it was way beyond what I could tolerate. I was starting to become seriously depressed and I made a decision that they were going to take that IV out of my arm and start filling out dismissal papers or I was going to do it. One way or another I was gone. So, I understand completely why you are hesitant. However, this is now. And things are different and you are different. You have control. You don’t have to.
You were wonderful and kind and sensitive and empathetic. Matt is reaching out to find a way to live, that is why he shared this. Any helpful advice like yours, I believe will be helpful to Matt.
just speaking for me of course.