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Fucking help me.
I am a 19 year old mf.
I had a girlfriend for 4 years.
The problem is that I choked her twice due to rage problems and I also shoved her.
So she ended the relation because of this.
Recently she told me that once I initiated sexual oral activity without her full consent and that made her feel like an object, I more or less remember that time and I think (I don't remember, but I dont think I came) I stopped because she wasn't liking it, but I didn't feel remorse because of the fact that I thought it was a simple mistake and it hadn't affected her at all, just a misunderstanding, I really thought so to the point I even forgot that happened.
But now I do realize the weight of my crimes. I now know how fucked up all that was.
The remorse is such that I sometimes really consider kms but honestly I am just too coward to do it.
Outside the relationship I actually behave like a normal human being so people I know like me.
I am too scared that the truth comes to light and that makes me feel worse because that clearly points I am the bad guy, but it was never my intention to hurt her.
Please, I don't want to go to prison, I don't want to get publically exposed, but surely I don't want to kill myself.
What I did was that bad?
I am currently in therapy because of the physical violence events, but I haven't told my therapist about the unconsented oral sex and that I want to kill myself for that.
I excuse myself saying: It was a sexual active relationship, things like this happen because of the trust. Besides, you never did it again. I am just coping, but I am desperate, I don't know what to do. I hate myself because I keep watching porn and used to fap to the wifey and shudnt shear threads in this page and just know I realized how fucked up I was.
Should I kill myself? If so, how?
If not, how could I tell my therapist about this other event without him leaving me or grossing out? Will he even help me if I tell him?