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June 14th, 2010
10:33 pm - (to flesh out)
I'm reluctant to have children. What a terrifying prospect, to be responsible for the raising and development of a human person! But then, I already face this task every day: I am raising and developing my own self. I should care for this self like a much-beloved child.
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March 22nd, 2010
10:57 pm - That talk, again
I ran 6K today in about 33 minutes, which makes me proud.
Except I'm a little sad that my legs are still jiggly, and this is the part where we have the talk:
I am running so my heart and lungs work well, and so I keep the capacity to move and jump and stretch. Even though I not-so-secretly want the body of a model/actress, this dream is SEPARATE from running. Running is so I feel good. So I can move fast. So I can run for a bus without gasping, and jog when I'm late. It's so I feel the red-faced and sweaty satisfaction of having worked damn hard. If I want to become modelesque, I can choose to try--but that is not the goal of running. Running is for distance and for speed; it's an excuse to get outside; it's for fun. Running is not for skinny. Running is for strong.
Remind me of this, okay?
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January 18th, 2010
06:48 pm - MLK Day
I made wonderful spaghetti sauce (tomato, olive, green pepper, red pepper flakes) and cleaned the apartment, and walked around the off-leash dog park in the SUNSHINE and warmth. My friends came over afterwards and we read children's books and drank tea.
Wonderful day! If spring will really come again to the world, then I can survive the winter.
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December 30th, 2009
10:15 pm - Soup!
I started boiling some barley in water with dried shiitake mushrooms, while roasting onions, carrots, and potatoes in the oven with olive oil and pepper. I took out the reconstituted mushrooms (and ate them, because they have an unpleasant texture in dishes but an awesome taste), poured the roasted vegetables into the pot, and poured boiling water into the roasting pans to help scrape out the brown bits stuck to the bottom. Poured the brackish water into my pot. It needed some salt and some heft, so I added doenjang (Korean soybean paste). This made it too sweet, and it needed some freshness and bite--so I added some frozen chopped cilantro. This helped the beginning of the flavor, but then it fell off at the end into a bland potato taste. I added a couple bay leaves (too late!) and some black cardamom pods (which smell like lighter fluid).
And I am pretty happy with the end result; I just wish I knew which of the steps I could leave out! It really is a very odd soup, and it still needs something--but I keep going back for more taste tests, which must be a good sign :o) I know "where" it needs help: it's great in the middle and high ranges, but is really lacking a long, low flavor. I haven't figured out yet which ingredients add the flavor profile I want, though; maybe some meat would have helped, but I have a secret dream of someday becoming mostly vegetarian, and this will be easier if I can already cook lots of delicious vegetarian dishes.
Anyway, I am NOT recommending that anyone try this recipe. I just remember last time I made potato-onion-carrot-barley soup it was truly amazing, and I can't for the life of me remember what I did! So I'm going to try to start jotting down vague recollections of my cooking process, just in case I discover that the soup improves with age and I forget the doenjang-cilantro-black cardamom-bay leaf magic combo.
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December 19th, 2009
10:14 pm - Inside Out
After having more or less embraced my non-belief in God and going through a painful loss without that spiritual comfort, I find myself more enchanted than ever with the Christmas season. I love that public spaces put up special decorations, even while they avoid explicit "religious" symbolism. I love that stores predictably play the same rotation of songs. I love that people greet each other in a special way. I love that people pull together for their families, expending huge amounts of time, effort, and money to gather with the people they love.
A large part of this stems, I think, from having just visited India and being similarly enchanted with local religious celebrations there. I adored the household puja altars, and the chalk outlines women made on the sidewalk to ward off evil (or snakes). I'm captivated by the multi-faceted gods and goddesses, and the objects that naturally accompany each. I can feel stirred by whispering my desires into the ear of a bronze bull. And these things are quotidian to the Indian people. Of course Devi has a necklace of skulls. What else? Lotus flowers? Please!
And it is as an outsider that I adore the Christian and pagan themes that so thoroughly permeate our country at this time of year. Yesterday, my family drove half an hour out into the country, selected "the" tree, and spent this evening adorning it with mementos of years past. We listened to the predictable songs, and I knew all the words--or, at least, all the words that everyone knows. ("... And the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even. Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm hmm-hmm-hmm....") My brother leaves his understanding, entertaining friends to spend the evening at home, just because I asked him to, and it was Christmas time. We bring out the good wine, a bottle that my dad has been saving for years for a sufficiently special occasion.
And there is no mention of Jesus the Christ, nor reference to this birthday so nearly coinciding with solstice. We do not pray over dinner. Our tree is topped with two handmade angels, one just under the other in an unintentionally suggestive pose. An old stuffed reindeer peers down from the top of an antique wall clock, and a painted Santa Claus has replaced a landscape in the powder room. Colored lights adorn a tree in the backyard. My mom reminds us of her first Christmas with my dad, when she stitched and stitched until she had crocheted enough ornaments for their too-bare first tree. We build a fire, and my brother shows my husband a few chords on an electric guitar.
This holiday transforms the entire land, from coast to coast, and I am enthralled. There is a spirit of hope that cannot be forced into a human-centered mold; while family and friends celebrate together and exchange ritual gifts, we should honor the spirit of the Christians who celebrate the birth of the savior of creation. This is an enormous festival, and even those of us who feel no personal communion with a god can be swept up, just a bit, by the staggering joy of the Christmas postulate. Whether we experience this joy through movie marathons and Chinese food, consumerist overindulgence, or candlelight services, this is indeed a blessed time of year.
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July 4th, 2009
08:22 am
E and I celebrated our ten-year anniversary yesterday, which just boggles my mind. We spent a summer in California together after we'd been together three years, and I thought THAT was a long time. And California was seven years ago! What?! We went out for delicious Indian food for lunch, spent most of the afternoon walking around outside in the beauty, and had a picnic dinner under the willow tree where we got engaged. (Even THAT was three years ago! I'm starting to feel like I was shockingly young at all the times when I thought I was fully mature.)
Yesterday was also my "soft opening" for spending three days a week coding. I go part time at my paid job next week, which will give me both the time and the kick-in-the-pants motivation I need to start some bigger projects. Since E was working yesterday but I had the day off, we met his business partner in coffee shop at nine o'clock sharp; I sat at the opposite side of the room and played with AVL trees, which was more complicated because the Data Structures book I'm using is in C++ and I'm more familiar with C#. We just worked for the morning, but I already found a couple "bugs": 1) I need to bring a snack, so I don't get impatient and want to quit around 11:30; 2) I do need a change of scenery every couple hours, so I should make sure to bring a book or some other way to set up in a new location (library, walking path by the creek, etc) for a break; 3) I need to learn to work at home, because E is using my shiny new laptop for work every day and there is only so much coding you can do on a whiteboard.
It also made me realize that I'll need a healthy mix of "practical" learning (where I develop skills to get an entry-level testing job) and brain training (where I make sure to really understand all the implementation details of a new sexy data structure in a language I don't quite grasp).
Last weekend, we also worked on coding (trees again! in priority queues), and I went out with a group of friends to celebrate Pride. It was tons of fun dancing (and R Place had great music). I really love that balance of work and play!
But now E and I have to go jog, because we are committed to being young and hot as long as possible ^.^
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May 9th, 2009
09:02 am
I woke up early this morning and went to an aerobics class--and it's amazing how different it felt from the first aerobics class I ever went to. I went a few times in college (to the 6:30 a.m. class--what was I thinking?) and was always lost and confused, and felt like I looked ridiculous. This time I kept up the whole time--except for a couple crazy women jumping around like it was nothing. I felt like I had more control over my body and where it went, and whether I wanted my kicks to be fight-y or dance-y. I'm just amazed at how much more coordinated I am than when I was in college!
Even though we just signed another year lease for our apartment, I'm already a little sad about eventually leaving. I love how in the big snowstorm this year, we just looked out the window and saw that the breakfast cafe across the street was open--and went out for breakfast when the roads were mostly impassable. I love the bakery across the street! I love the wine store where everyone knows me and I go for free tastings all the time--and then get a couple See's chocolates for the walk home. This is the apartment where we finally learned to cook!
Maybe it's been with the panic over a global pandemic, but I've been feeling eerily blessed. I have the best partnership a person could ever ask for. We're both employed, and while we're really poor compared to the Microsofties that live nearby, we have PLENTY of money to do everything we need. (Especially since naked time is still free!) We are in absolutely no danger of losing our housing. My brother is still alive on the Appalachian Trail. (Hadn't heard from him in a couple weeks and started to get worried.) Our neighborhood is insanely safe. We have dental insurance! We live within fifteen minutes' drive of Costco and Trader Joe's, and a 4-minute walk of another grocery store, and it doesn't take much to make rice into something delicious. It turns out, you rarely actually need new clothes or shoes--but I happen to work within a couple blocks of three or four trendy used clothing stores, and if I ever decide I need something new, I can go digging! And did I mention, libraries exist? And we live next to one?
PLUS my dad is coming out to visit next weekend. Really, the only thing I can think of that I'm missing is family time--and while I try to call a lot, it's not the same as face-to-face visits. I can't get any more time off work right now, either... But my parents are finally deciding to come visit ME, which will be amazing.
Visiting India I think made a big difference in how much I appreciate my life; I definitely thought of piles of money, physical beauty, spotless accommodation, fancy nights out, etc. as things that you should be disappointed if you don't have. And now I'm grateful to things like indoor plumbing--that WORKS all the time--and drinkable faucet water. And electricity that's on 24 hours a day. As it turns out, usually you don't even NEED the electricity 24 hours a day--but it's a luxury to have, anyway.
Speaking of luxuries and India--I've just been browsing photos from my trip, and it's making me hungry! Off to breakfast with me ^.^ I'll post some photos (from India and the wedding)... some other time.
Happy weekend!
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April 26th, 2009
08:33 pm - Cover Letter Time
I'm finally taking the plunge and applying for technical jobs.
By which, of course, I mean I'm playing around with my cover letter, scouring Craig's List, making a beautifully themed Excel table to store job-search-related data, and browsing the internet. I still have not actually applied.
I am, however, drinking cheap wine opened yesterday! I love good wine, with layers of complex flavors--but sometimes you have to go with Trader Joe's cheapest wines and add the flavors yourself. I've found that the following make a vast difference:
-cloves
-vanilla extract
-sugar or honey
-water
My Italian great-grandparents might roll over in their graves, but I'm happy. I want to find the best ways to improve dry reds, sweet whites, and dry whites--because sometimes even when you spend more than $3 per bottle, you're disappointed but determined to drink it anyway. Mulled wine is always delicious but more appropriate for winter; if I learn to doctor a pinot grigio that tastes like lettuce, then the world will be a more friendly place. Suggestions welcome :o)
Back to the cover letter!
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March 28th, 2009
11:11 pm - Last Update: 26 Weeks Ago
So "big" things have happened (wedding, trip to India)--but I find that the reason I miss blogging is because I miss remembering what I do day to day. And I've been reluctant to update again because I don't have anything earthshattering to add. So! Without further ado:
It's been a fantastic weekend so far. It started actually Wednesday, when I got "remove" to work on my binary tree. Not just remove, even! I can also now traverse it in order, and it takes a bit of memory because it's recursive, but it still runs in log(n) time, and I am stinkin' proud. Have I updated here since I started learning to program? I don't even remember. But it turns out, programming and my brain get along very well, and I'm thrilled to be studying by myself and not with a class; if I were in class, I'd feel competitive and my wanting to "win" might get in the way of my learning. For now, though, I just want to be good. And my tutor has high standards ^.^ It's lovely all around.
Thursday I went to my Adult Very Beginning Ballet class, where I couldn't do the "pas de bourré" (literally, "drunken step") but still felt graceful because my passé (one leg straight up and down, other leg making a triangle with knee straight to the side and toe touching other leg's knee) is getting better and better. One of these days I will have legs strong enough to do whatever I want!
Friday night I came home from work and watched internet TV alone, because E was working late; then I went to the gym and ran for 20 minutes and then practiced ballet alone in the big group class room with the fabulous mirrors. (Practicing ballet steps and listening to "Paint it Black" is a trip.)
And then today was glorious! We slept in, and E had to work all day, so I had the whole afternoon/evening completely to myself. I mailed gifts from India to my family, went shopping at Costco AND Trader Joe's, and made a huge pot of spaghetti sauce while listening to "Latin Pop" and dancing around my kitchen. I felt so homey and free, and just balanced and peaceful...
Anyway, I miss reminding myself what I've been up to. I hate that I've forgotten months and months of my life, just because I don't sit and update my journal here. All it takes sometimes is a sentence, or a photo, and it brings back entire scenes--but since I didn't take the photos, and didn't write the sentences, they're mostly gone. For my own sake, I'll try to be better.
>>>Edit to add:
E Quote of the Day:
"There's a certain number of times a man is allowed to say "princess" in a given day. I've exceeded my quota."
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September 22nd, 2008
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