I look forward to the Secretary of the Navy getting confirmed. Here’s my Top 10 suggestions for his first 100 days
1. Camo ban: If you have never belly-crawling through mud with Marines, SEALs, or Seabees, you must ditch the cosplay camo immediately. Stick to your sailor blues, hero.
2. OSHA? Never heard of them: Effective immediately, OSHA is permanently banned from all naval ships and facilities. Warships are dangerous, deal with it.
3. Toxic paint mandatory: Every ship will be supplied with the most questionable, hazardous rust-killing paint known to man. Bonus points to COs who dangle sailors over the side on ropes to apply it (see rule 2)
4. The Admiral Hunger Games: One admiral and 1,000 NAVSEA employees will be fired every week until shipbuilding programs are actually on schedule. May the odds be ever in your favor.
5. No congressional budget hearing can begin without a rousing “Go Navy, Beat Army!” chant. "F The West Point Mafia" is also authorized for use inside the Capitol Building
6. Immediate reassignment: Anyone who doesn’t fully support the U.S. Coast Guard or Merchant Marine will find themselves immediately reassigned to the USCG or the Merchant Marine. Enjoy your new career rescuing drunks on jet skis or getting high from oil tanker fumes.
7. If you have blank wallspace from DEI posters, you should slap up Admiral Halsey’s classic "Kill Japs, kill Japs, and keep on killing Japs"
8. Liaison officers from allied navies with ships no larger than a frigate will be sent to the nearest US Coast Guard base for reassignment. Puddle pirate "navies" like Canada's may also be mocked.
9. US Navy sailors on port leave in NATO countries that spend less than 2% of their GDP on defense will receive $10,000 in cash and full UCMJ immunity while on shore leave. $20,000 will be provided for port visits to Canada (see rule 8).
10. Nobody’s allowed to hang “Don’t Give Up the Ship” posters, flags, or related paraphernalia until we manage to rebuild the USS Bonhomme Richard. Until then, the official motto of the US Navy is “Eh, we gave it a shot.”
Bonus: Stop making navy shipbuilders comply with green rules, and rip the emissions gas condom off the USNS Harvey Milk’s stack
Did I miss anything? Drop your rule in the comments below. Whichever one gets the most likes is going straight into the list—no matter how absurd, impractical, or downright ridiculous it is. Because clearly, that's how real Admiral are making decisions now.
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